“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to add more stress on you with my outburst,” Bull apologized.
“No need for apologies here. We’ll all go through a wide range of emotions for a long time to come,” Diana replied. “Crying one minute, fighting mad the next.”
For the rest of the evening and late into the night, Noah’s family told their fondest stories of Brianna. Some were funny, some were touching, but all were the exact personifications of Brianna herself. Her strength, determination, and drive to excel were accented by her humor, her desire to help people, and the way she freely gave her love to her family and friends.
When exhaustion kicked in and eyes involuntarily closed, Noah insisted that everyone retreat to their rooms and get a good night’s sleep. He’d already decided he couldn’t sleep in the bed he shared with Brianna. It was just too big, too cold, and too lonely. The nights he slept alone while she traveled for work were different. He still smelled her scent on her pillow and felt her presence beside him. Knowing she wouldn’t be back, he didn’t think he could handle those kinds of ghosts.
Stretched out on the couch with his arm slung over his eyes, Noah tried to relax and allow his mind to fall into a deep sleep. One where he could be with Brianna again in his dreams. After what felt like an eternity of waiting for sleep to overcome him, he was still wide-awake. He turned on his side to try a different position, but that didn’t work either.
Reluctantly, he rose and robotically walked the long path to their bedroom. His feet carried him closer and closer to the very place he’d tried to avoid. He crawled in the bed and placed his head on the pillow. The tiny wisp of air from his movement released Brianna’s perfume and it immediately surrounded him.
Turning his face to the pillow, he inhaled deeply to savor her scent. Visions of her smiling and laughing instantly filled his mind. Her arms reached for him and sensually pulled him toward her. Her lips moved over his and the sounds she made as he made love to her filled his ears. Love reserved only for him shone in her eyes as she mouthed, “I love you.”
Noah hugged the pillow tightly to him as his heart shattered into a million jagged pieces, never to be put back together again. But this is where he felt her the most. This is where he could be with her again, even if it was only imaginary. Even if it was only for a short time. Enveloped by the scents, sights, and sounds of her in their bed, Noah finally drifted off to sleep.
With the bright morning sun lighting his bedroom, Noah stirred and stretched in the bed before extending his arm to pull Brianna to him. When his hand met the empty, cold sheets on her side, he opened his eyes and raised his head.
“Brianna?” he called out.
Then all the events of yesterday came crashing into him all at once.
He wished he could go back to sleep and continue his dream. He was with Brianna and they were planning their wedding. All he cared about was planning their honeymoon, but she playfully chided him on the importance of having the actual ceremony before they left for their honeymoon.
He was happy again in his dream. Brianna was happy–and alive. She was warm, loving, and full of life. Now that he was awake, the deep sadness returned, but now it wasn’t muted by numbness and shock. The pain was excruciating and overwhelming. It threatened to steal his breath and laugh at him as he suffocated under the weight of it.
His sense of duty and responsibility to his friends and family pushed him to get up and shower. When he descended the stairs, he heard quiet voices coming from the kitchen. As he approached, he found Evan and Diana huddled together over a cup of coffee at the table.
Evan’s arm was wrapped around Diana’s shoulders as her sobs caused her body to shake violently. Noah knew he couldn’t take their pain away when he could barely deal with his own pain. He stood behind them, bent over, and wrapped his arms around both of their shoulders.
After several minutes, Diana wiped her face and calmed her cries. “It just hit me hard again this morning,” she explained apologetically. “My emotions are all over the place and I can’t seem to focus on any one thing.”
“You don’t have to apologize to me, Diana,” Noah assured her. “I’m in the same place you are. No matter how strong I’ve been in the past, this has shown me that I’m pretty damn weak.”
“You’re too hard on yourself, Noah,” Evan replied. “This has knocked the wind out of all of our sails.”
“Evan and I have been talking about Brianna’s memorial service. What do you think we should do?” Diana asked Noah.
“She loved the beach and the ocean. Anything to do with the water,” Noah said.
“We could rent a boat and take it far off shore, way out where it’s deep. For her memorial service, we can write down our favorite memories, seal them in a bottle, and throw the bottle overboard,” Diana offered. “Do you think she would’ve liked that?”
“I think she would’ve loved it,” Noah replied warmly. “It’s unique, just like her.”
“Have you noticed that we all refer to her in both present and past tense?” Diana stared off into the distance, her eyes unfocused, and her voice soft as she asked.
“I have noticed,” Noah replied. “When I feel like she’s here with me, I use present tense. When I feel alone, I use past tense. It’s not conscious, but it’s definitely real.”
“I agree,” Diana replied.
“If we’re set on the boat and bottle, I’ll start making some calls. I have to do something,” Evan stressed. “I feel so useless and I just need to stay busy.”
“Everyone deals with this in a different way, Evan. I’ve pretty much shut down. It hurts less to feel nothing than to feel everything,” Noah confessed. “When I let my guard down, it hits me full force. I haven’t found the best way to deal with it yet.”
“I can’t stop feeling everything,” Diana replied. “I wish I could be numb. It would probably be a nice reprieve.”
Evan stood, kissed his wife on the cheek, and walked toward the kitchen door. “I’ll start calling around for boat charters while you shower, honey.”
Diana rinsed out their coffee cups in the sink before going to wake her daughters to tell them the plans. Noah recognized the lost, wounded look in her eyes. It was the same one he saw looking back at him in his reflection.
Two hours later, everyone had showered and dressed. Rebel and Bull sat on the couch with Diana as they waited for Evan to finish his phone conversation. Missy, Jessie, and Ashley huddled together on the loveseat, while Noah sat in his recliner, lost in thoughts. Evan’s voice brought him back to the present.
“I’ve charted a yacht to take us out tomorrow. We’ll leave early tomorrow morning and spend the day out on the water. We’re all under so much stress and grief. I think we all need the day away from everything else. Away from the news, away from the ghosts that haunt us, and out where Brianna would’ve loved to be,” Evan stated.
“The yacht is large enough to give us enough space to say our own goodbyes, but small enough that we can also spend quality time together. It’s extravagant, but my baby girl deserves the best.” His voice broke and the emotions he’d held at bay rushed to the surface.
“It sounds beautiful, Evan,” Noah complimented him. “Brianna would love the gesture.”
“Jessie, Ashley, and I are going shopping at the craft store. We want to pick out the bottles, if that’s okay. We may need more than one to hold all of our best memories,” Missy added.
“That sounds perfect, sweetheart,” Diana replied. “Thank you, girls. We know this is very hard on you, too.”
The girls surrounded their mother, hugged her, and kissed her before they left together. Evan retrieved his laptop to show the others the yacht he’d secured. The gesture, in Brianna’s honor, was important to him. Every aspect of it had to be of the highest caliber to serve the memory of his beloved daughter.
“Noah, what can we do for you?” Rebel asked.
Shaking his head, Noah gave his friend a sincere look of appreciation. “Nothing. Y
ou and Bull being here is enough.”
“This is where we belong,” Bull replied. “This is our family now, too.”
Diana cooked for the group and insisted that everyone sit at the table together to eat. Noah did as she asked regardless of how hard it was for him to swallow any food. This was her contribution to help others and it made her feel good to be able to care for them. He would allow her that small measure of comfort.
Several hours later, Missy, Jessie, and Ashley returned from their shopping trip with their arms full of bags from various stores. Missy put her bags down and rummaged through them until she found a specific item.
“I found this bottle to hold the memories,” she said as she held it up. “It’s elegant and I think Brianna would like it.” The tall, glass bottle had a light green tint, a wide mouth, and a thick, cork stopper. The words “Love Lives” adorned the front in raised glass letters.
“It looks big enough to hold everyone’s papers,” Diana replied.
“I think so, too,” Missy replied. “All of our memories should be together, in one bottle, and sealed with our love. That’s the only way it feels right to me.”
“We also picked up some flowers to make arrangements, candles, and picture frames. We wanted to put different pictures and snapshots of her around the yacht. I can also make a DVD with her favorite song playing in the background,” Jessie explained.
With all the arrangements made, the entire clan found tasks to complete that kept them busy throughout the rest of the day. Mentally drained at the end of the day, Bull and Rebel left and the rest retreated to the solitude of their rooms for the night. They never admitted it aloud, but the dread of what the next day held weighed heavily on their shoulders.
The next morning, everyone dressed and somberly drove to the marina. Evan checked them in and they were escorted to the yacht. They took their seats inside the cabin as Missy passed out the strips of aged parchment paper and pens.
“Start writing down your favorite memories of Brianna. Roll up the strip of paper and put it in the bottle. Once it’s full, we’ll seal the cork stopper in it and toss it overboard,” Missy explained tearfully.
She’d put a layer of small stones in the bottom, covered by sand, to help weigh it down. Once the memories were tossed into the ocean, the bottle would sink to the bottom and find Brianna’s final resting place.
One by one, the memories filled up the glass bottle until there was no more room. Noah picked up the bottle and sealed it with the natural cork stopper. He eyed the bottle carefully as he thought about all of the memories contained inside. All of the memories would remain with him, since they talked about each one as they dropped them into the bottle.
The crew took the flower arrangements and placed them strategically along the stern of the yacht. Beautiful bouquets of large white, yellow, pink, red, and orange lilies, paired with a multitude of candles, adorned the outside seating section. Noah felt the yacht progressively slowing until they came to a complete stop. The waves continued to gently rock the boat as Missy, Jessie, and Ashley lit the candles.
Noah walked to the edge of the boat, held up the bottle of memories, and prepared to give his eulogy.
“Brianna, you are the love of my life and you will always live in my heart. Not one day will go by that I don’t think of you, miss you, and wish you were at my side. After loving you, no one could possibly take your place in my life or in my heart. This isn’t goodbye, my love. This is until I see you again, until we can be together again. I love you, baby,” Noah concluded and passed the bottle to Diana.
“My baby girl. It seems like yesterday when you were born. You grew up so fast and went out into the world. You were never afraid, though. You were the bravest person I know. My world is a little darker now without your smile and your beautiful personality to brighten it. You’ll forever be loved,” Diana finished and handed the bottle to Evan.
Evan held the bottle in his hand, his knuckles were white from his tight grip. “Daddy’s little girl. That’s what you always were, Brianna. You had me wrapped around your finger from the first second I held you. I just never imagined I’d have to bear losing you first. If I could trade places with you, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I miss your voice so much, your bubbly personality, your gorgeous smile, your infectious laugh. I’ll never be whole again without you. I love you. Always,” Evan choked out.
Evan handed the bottle back to Noah. “Will you do the honors, Noah? I think it’s fitting, since Brianna gave her heart to you and wanted to spend her life with you.”
Noah took the bottle and stared at it again. His private message to Brianna was like an unspoken prayer in his mind, but he knew she heard him. Rearing back, he threw the bottle into the deep, blue ocean and watched as it sank.
“I’ll never say goodbye, baby,” he whispered.
14
Chapter Fourteen
Current Day
Noah stared in amazement at his old friend, Richard, whom he had thought was dead. He couldn’t believe the man stood before him now, alive and well. He’d attended Richard’s memorial service, had grieved his friend’s passing, and visited his grave once a year to pay his respects. According to the news reports, an anti-American terrorist group with a known affiliation with the Islamic Jihadist Union had held his friend hostage all this time.
Smaller fractions of the union were located all through the Middle East and northern Africa. Noah knew Richard frequently traveled to those areas on business, but he’d never guessed that his friend was in trouble, needed his help, and waited for someone to rescue him.
Noah’s guilt ate away at him. He had been living in the comfort and safety of home while his friend fought for his life every day. The shame of leaving a brother behind was overwhelming.
Noah hugged his long-time friend and patted him on the back. “Richard, I still can’t believe you’ve been alive and held captive all this time. After Brianna’s memorial service, I received word that you were also on that plane. I can’t tell you how much that shook me up.”
“Everything is still surreal to me. I imagine it is for everyone else, too. I’m still trying to get my bearings,” Richard replied.
“I have to ask this because not knowing has killed me for three years. How is it you and Brianna were both in Turkey at the same time? Did you see her?” Noah asked.
“Yes, I did see her once and it surprised the hell out of me. She was leaving the hotel as I entered. I asked her what she was doing there and she said she was chasing a lead that didn’t pan out. She had her suitcase with her and was in a hurry to get to the airport,” Richard answered.
“Then what happened?” Noah pushed. He knew he was a terrible friend, pushing for information about Brianna when Richard had just been released, but that didn’t stop him.
“My meetings with the local leaders were over and I was ready to get home myself,” Richard explained. “I realized if Brianna was headed to the airport, there had to be a flight leaving soon. I called the airline and changed my flight.
“On the way to the airport, my car was hijacked and I was taken hostage. I’d been seen negotiating with the established leaders and the rebels didn’t appreciate my involvement. They tried to use me as leverage. If anything happened to me, the people wouldn’t receive any type of assistance from the DOD.”
“How did you manage to get away?” Noah asked.
“One of the women who brought my food helped me,” Richard lied. “She felt sorry for me and for her involvement in it. We arranged for me to ‘overpower’ her and escape. I only hope that they believed she couldn’t fight back. It’s awful to even think that she paid the ultimate price just for helping me.”
Richard was so sincere and so convincing that even he almost believed his story was true. Almost.
Richard felt Noah’s dark piercing eyes assessing him. He knew Noah imagined the scenario playing out in his mind as he examined every detail, looked for gaps, and pieced together the news coverage that explained hi
s sudden return. If Noah had to die because he figured it all out too soon, so be it. He’s just another casualty of war–or of money. Take your pick, Richard thought to himself.
Richard knew that eventually Noah would definitely find a hole in his story. But he planned to have already recovered exactly what he needed and be long gone again by then. Noah had always been too intelligent for his own good in Richard’s mind. The two men had been Airborne Rangers and later part of the elite Delta Force together, so they were both very skilled in terrorism and counter-terrorism measures.
“I’d stayed away from the news when that happened because I just couldn’t watch that footage of the plane exploding one more time. It was a few days later when I learned you were presumed to be on that plane, too.
“I pushed hard on a lot of people to get clearance to get to the site of the explosion, but it was closed to any non-essential personnel due to the terrorist threat. I should have pushed harder. I should have looked for you,” Noah vehemently insisted.
“No way,” Richard shook his head. “There was no way you could’ve known, and had you somehow made it out of the States, you would’ve been taken hostage or even killed.”
Noah’s face became hard as he said, “We never leave a man behind. De oppresso liber.”
What was that quick flicker in Richard’s eye? Guilt? Noah’s suspicions immediately reared and his internal radar flashed red lights. The look in his eyes was gone as quickly as it came, so Noah didn’t push it. Pushing the thoughts aside, he internally chided himself for doubting Richard. The man had probably endured terrible things that he couldn’t discuss yet.
Richard responded, “Liberate the oppressed. And I am liberated, so let’s celebrate.”
Noah’s thoughts kept circling back to one question. What about Bri?
“I have to ask you one more thing, Richard.” Noah hesitated for a moment, not sure if he wanted the answer or not, then pushed ahead. “Was Brianna taken hostage with you? Or was she on that plane?”
Wicked Games: The Extended Edition (Steele Security #1) Page 15
