Naturally, Charlie

by S. L. Scott

  I want to throw something, anything I can get my hands on, anything that will take the pain and betrayal away in the moment. But I’m rushed out of the room.

  Right before the front door closes, I hear her yell, “Wait! Jim’s Charlie?”

  Charlie shouts for the valet. “Get the car!”

  Irrational thoughts darken my mind, and I can’t wait for the car. I start to run down the rounded driveway, but gravel and high heels don’t mix, and I stumble. I don’t fall, catching and steadying myself.

  “Charlie, don’t,” he calls behind me.

  I can hear the crunch of the rocks under his shoes as he rushes to catch me, running to a halt in front of me. “Stop! You can’t run back to Manhattan. The car is coming.”

  “No.” I beg through tears. “I can’t be here. I can’t be near that house or her.” My resolve weakens as he grabs my arms by the wrists to still me. “Please, Charlie. Let me go. I can’t do this, not here where she can see, and not in front of you.”

  The car pulls beside us, and the driver hops out and opens the door.

  Charlie’s eyes reveal sympathy, and I drop my head in shame, knowing there’s no other way for me to get out of here in one piece. My heart is shattered all over again, and now I’m humiliated that Charlie has to witness my breakdown. He pulls me to the car and helps me in. I’m a ragdoll, helpless and vulnerable, all my strength left in that dining room, just as I was so long ago when I first found Jim with Liz in our bed that rainy fall day, an image that has haunted my days and nights.

  I hear Charlie say something to the driver who takes off running toward the house. He slides in next to me and pulls my limp body onto his lap. I’m weak, drowning in the memory.

  I let Charlie hold me, needing the closeness. I’m ashamed, because he’s realized that I was dumped for someone from Jim’s world. There was someone who was better than me—someone made from the same cloth as him, and my ex-fiancé chose her over me. I don’t fit into Jim and Charlie’s world, and I never will. I’m not of their kind, not from elite breeding, or the socialite type. I’m just a Barrow from the suburbs of Chicago.

  The driver returns, handing Charlie my clutch then drives us away from the Adams’s mansion and away from her. As we are driven back through the center of the quaint town, I realize it’s all an illusion. Charlie warned me. He said it was visually idyllic, and it is—all surface and no depth. They put on a good show for the outside world, but in my eyes, I’d rather see the ugly truth so I know what I’m getting into. This false world of happiness hides the shallow thoughts of a society that still idolizes itself above all else.

  Although I knew Jim was from this world, he had convinced me, at one time, that he was different, he wasn’t like them in that way. I believed he wasn’t when he was with me, but once he returned to this culture that demanded his time and attention, he forgot what we had shared—real emotions were covered in a charade of perfection, much like this town.

  I close my eyes against Charlie’s chest. He hasn’t spoken since we left, because either he knows me well enough not to, or he doesn’t know what to say. I’m not sure, but I appreciate the silence all the same. Tonight, I’ve finally grasped how much Charlie is like Jim. Not in looks or personality, but they both escaped this superficial society only to be dragged back.

  I rub my hand along his lapel and breathe him in. The realization that Charlie isn’t mine to keep hurts, and even more because I was starting to open up, I was finally ready to let him in. I came tonight ready to show my heart and expose my true feelings, but I was kidding myself to think we could be more than friends. And now, we won’t even be that. Maybe not today, but eventually, he will go back, just like Jim did. He will succumb to the pressure, and choose someone more worthy of his status and leave me behind.

  I inhale him again, rubbing my hand over his chest, wanting to memorize his scent, to memorize him. Because one day, sooner than later, I won’t get to do this again. Like Donald and Katherine, and the rest of his family, I become selfish for the remaining thirty minutes of the ride.

  My thoughts dwell in the events of the night. I embarrassed him in front of his family. I revealed myself as the kind of girl someone cheats on and leaves for one of their own, someone better. I’ve caused a rift that Charlie will have to repair. That he will choose to repair because they are his family. I’m just the girl he bonded to in a weak moment at a funeral and pitied at another.

  I adjust on his lap as his arms tighten around me. The sniffling and tears have stopped, but my throat is still tight with remorse, and jolts of pain shoot from my heart. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I pull myself closer to him, resting my forehead against his neck. I can’t look up. I refuse to meet his eyes. I’ll break down if I do, and I must be strong right now.

  Greedily nuzzling against his skin, I leave one small kiss there, taking advantage of the moment, because once I’m dropped off, we’re done. This friendship that has become a necessity to me, his presence in my life which has become equally expected and wanted, will be over. In retrospect, I knew about his background and wanted to believe we could be different. We can’t, though, and without him in my life, the memories of us will weigh heavy on my heart.

  I didn’t know I’d be confronted with the feelings I tried so hard to bury deep down inside. But tonight, because of Liz, memories from the breakup with Jim resurface, wrapping around my neck and strangling the life from me.

  The coffee cup was still full even though I ordered it hours earlier. I was too upset to drink it, which was strange, because I bought it thinking it would comfort me, warm my insides. The images of him and her swallowed my thoughts, making my heart ache. I remained at that table for two hours before Jim walked in and sat down across from me.

  “Charlie, I’m sorry,” Jim said. He reached across the table and took my hand in his, giving it a tight squeeze.

  I didn’t move mine, though I should have.

  He looked out the window and watched as people passed. I watched him.

  I watched his mouth as he said, “We should take some time apart.” When he looked back at me, I didn’t reply. I didn’t argue. I didn’t throw a fit or rant or scream or anything. I was too stunned to react properly, or even improperly, at the time. I was numb.

  I looked at him as he stood up and placed a five-dollar bill down on the table to cover the coffee and walked out. The shock of what happened, of my new reality, would hit me later that night when I climbed into a foreign bed at a random hotel. The embarrassing, tearful good-bye followed the next day. I wanted to be strong, but couldn’t as I packed my things and left. The only bit of solace I found was that I saw him wipe his eyes when he thought I wasn’t looking.

  As the memory fades, the pain still lingers, but Charlie is my savior, my life preserver in the back of this car keeping me afloat in a pool of heavy emotions and unwelcome thoughts. And yet, I’ll let go. I’ll give him up to try and swim again, because I know that, like Jim, Charlie will be lured back. They will get him away from me because I don’t support their values, or lack thereof.

  Being from Chicago is not respectable enough in their eyes, and I grew tired of this game years ago after playing it the best I could. I still lost in the end no matter what I did or said, or sacrificed, including myself.

  The car pulls up to the curb in front of my apartment building and parks. We get out, and I steel myself. This is it. This is where I end it, end us.

  The talk is quick, but not painless.

  “No,” he protests, because he’s a good man. “This is not the right decision. I don’t see things like that at all.”

  I restrain my tears, knowing they’ll fall as soon as I’m inside. “Why fight to make this happen?” I wave between us. “This is not anything. If we end this, this is something that won’t plague you a year from now or embarrass you when you attend a family event, because it’s not real. This is a stage in your life when you needed someone there. Someone not from this place. A phase. That’s a
ll. We would have survived on our . . .” I don’t bother finishing, because even I don’t believe we would be as strong as we are if the other hadn’t been there. But I know this is the right thing to do. This is better for him than I could ever be. Jim taught me that.

  He stands up straight and walks toward me. I back away, causing a shift in his eyes; the pain is evident from my purposeful move. “You don’t get to end this all on your own. You can’t. I’m in here more than you’re admitting to yourself,” he says, pointing to his chest since I’m out of reach.

  He’s right, of course, but I’m more stubborn than he is.

  Looking to my left, I see the strange emptiness of the sidewalk. No one is around, and I feel fortunate to not have witnesses to my cruelty. Because the one thing I need to be right now is strong, and that means saying something that will make him see the light, something that will end us once and for all. I could never hurt him publicly like that. I wouldn’t. So I’m grateful the sidewalk is desolate.

  “Go, Charlie! Leave me alone,” I say, raising my voice. “Let me be. She’s your cousin. You’re her family. One thing I’ve learned is that no matter how far you escape, you will always be like them. I will never be able to trust you, just like I couldn’t trust Jim.”

  His anger flares. “I’m nothing like him! You know I’m not. You don’t believe what you’re saying. You’re lying to yourself to save your heart the trouble. You’re lying to yourself as an excuse to stay holed up in that apartment feeling victimized by a rich kid you had the misfortune of falling in love with. He was never who you thought he was. He was always that person, Charlie! You were just too blind or too in love to see it.”

  He tentatively steps closer again. This time I remain, letting his words pierce me without a fight. I need to hear this, because they’re the last words we will share.

  After taking one deep breath to gather my resolve, I look into his eyes and say, “He may have been a rich kid I foolishly fell in love with, but I won’t make that same mistake twice, rich kid. Walk away while I still don’t mean anything to you.”

  “Too late for that. You can’t push me away because you think you’re saving me from heartache down the road.”

  “Yes, I can.” I grow frustrated by his sensibility in the midst of this mess, which weakens my stance. I continue anyway, still believing that I’m right. “I’m not good. I’m not whole. Tonight, tonight proves that.”

  It’s in that moment that the truth becomes so evident. “I can’t do this with you. I still had feelings for Jim, and he died on me. I thought that maybe . . . he came over one time and begged me to take him back. I slammed the door in his face. I wanted to hurt him like he had hurt me. That was two months before his death. He died skiing in Switzerland, Charlie. How could he say he loved me that much and then go on vacation? This won’t end well for me, and I won’t survive your rejection when you find someone more suitable.” I’m shaking my head and walking backward, needing away from everything that hurts, everything like Jim’s death and the reality that Charlie isn’t mine to hold onto.

  When I look up, I see tears in Charlie’s eyes. His hands are reaching for me as he moves toward me again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry he hurt you, that he left you, but I’m not him. I wouldn’t do that to you, and you know that deep dow—”

  His words make me snap with a smack of reality. “But you chose Rachel, not me!” I try a final blow to end us. “I’m just a runner-up to you, someone you settled for. And for that reason alone, I could never fall in love with you.” As the lies I just told swirl around my brain, I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  He flinches at my words. “You know that’s not what happened. You know how I felt that first night, Charlie.”

  “I don’t know anything anymore. I don’t think I even really know you.”

  He stares at me in disbelief. The sadness in his eyes penetrates my heart, so I turn, grabbing my stomach and blocking him and that look on his face from my sight. I won’t ever forget it, and I hate that it will be the last expression I’ll see on his beautiful face. All hope is left there on the pavement between us when I leave him standing there without a second glance, knowing this is right for both of us, best for us. I can’t be what he needs, what he deserves, and asking him to wait around is selfish.

  I wish I could throw these old feelings away and move forward, but tonight was proof that none of it, none of my life with Jim, was resolved.

  Charlie probably feels this is all to spare my feelings, all for me, but it’s not—it’s for him. He just can’t see it as clearly as I can right now. He doesn’t understand yet. But he will, and then he’ll agree that this was for the best.

  The door shuts behind me, and I make my way up the stairs, recognizing that this has been my modus operandi with Charlie from the beginning. I never intended to let him in, and yet, the more time I spent with him, the more time I wanted to spend with him. He got to me with his charm and cute smile, his happy blues and sleepy greys.

  I unlock my apartment door and step inside, avoiding the direction of the couch. If I look at that couch, our snuggle spot, I’ll lose it for sure.

  I leave the lights out and lock the front door. Tossing my keys and purse onto the dining table, I make my way into the bedroom. Everything is easier to face in the dark, even my own reflection, as I stand before my bathroom mirror brushing my teeth. In the dark, I don’t have to see the mouth that once kissed him passionately for hours or the lips that told him lies tonight. In the dark of this small room, I don’t have to see the eyes that hid the truth from him while watching his own share his every emotion. Sadly, it’s the pain in them that stays with me.

  I crawl into bed, pulling the covers up to my chin, and try to remember the happiness and laughs we shared. I’m hoping one day the memory of his smile will replace the harsh words exchanged tonight, and that those memories will outweigh all of the rest.

  One day.

  Chapter 29

  What the hell just happened? I stare at the door where Charlie disappeared in total shock. How did the day go from holding her on the couch this afternoon to her breaking all contact with me tonight?

  My family.

  My damn family and my annoying, scornful cousin Liz. That explains it all.

  I should chase Charlie, or bang on her door or call her, but she seems to be in no mood for negotiation. Her mind is made up, and I don’t know how to unmake it.

  I stand exactly where she left me in the middle of the sidewalk. Ten, twenty, maybe even thirty minutes pass in a blur.

  The driver taps me on the shoulder, startling me out of my thoughts. “Sir, can I drive you home?”

  I glance up to her window. She hasn’t turned on a single light in her apartment since she went upstairs. What does that mean? Why hasn’t she? What is she doing up there?

  I’m worried about her, though I know I should be feeling rejected instead. I leave, finally convinced that she needs time to sort through her thoughts and figure out what she wants. I’ll give her tonight, and maybe during these remaining hours of darkness I can come up with a plan. I refuse to let her walk away from me and end us. I refuse to not have her in my life.

  In the meantime, I need to talk to Liz and figure out what happened between her and Jim. Maybe if I hear her side, I can help Charlie by knowing more about the situation. I call Liz on my cell from the car.

  “Charlie?” She’s nervous when she answers. She should be. We were close as children, but have had a rocky relationship over the last couple of years because my ideals changed and didn’t meet her expectations.

  I rub my forehead, feeling a headache coming on. “Tell me what happened. Tell me everything.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know that was her. That she was Jim’s—”

  “Jim’s Charlie? Yeah. So you knew he was engaged, and yet you still fucked him?”

  “It wasn’t like that—”

  “What was it like, Liz?” I have no patience for this roundabout story, and
I am struggling to hold in my anger. “I’m calling to hear your side. This is your one chance. Start from the beginning and tell me.”

  “We met at a bar down on Wall Street. It was happy hour, and I remember a sports talk show was on the big screen over the bar. I heard a group of guys nearby discussing the Giants lineup for the season. I heard Jim before I saw him—”

  “I don’t want the love story version. I want to know why you chose to hurt someone else by sleeping with her fiancé.”

  “I didn’t know he was engaged or even had a girlfriend the first couple of times we hooked up. He didn’t talk about her to me.”

  “You didn’t know?” I want to give her the benefit of the doubt. I want to, but she sounds like she’s holding back.

  “I didn’t know for sure. I saw a photo on his phone at the bar—”

  “You did know, then. You knew and you still went through with it? You know no guy carries around a photo on his phone if the girl isn’t important to him.”

  She doesn’t respond. What more can she say that won’t make her sound worse?

  “Liz, how long before she caught you?”

  “We’d been together for two months at that point.”

  Damn it. Charlie suspected as much or more, but never had it confirmed.

  “Please don’t hate me, Charlie. I’m sorry. I’ll tell your friend or girlfriend, whatever she is, if you want. I feel terrible since he died and—”

  “No! You won’t talk to her—”

  “Please forgive me. I hate when we fight.”

  “You hate when we fight?” I laugh. That idea is preposterous. “We’d have to be on speaking terms to fight.” This whole conversation worsens my headache and makes my chest hurt for Charlie. They’ve damaged her, and I’ve been thrown into the mix for being related. I don’t know why I need more details, but I do. Everything Liz has told me is what I’d expected, but I need the confirmation, and if she’s smart and cares about repairing our relationship, she’ll answer with the truth. “Did you continue to see him after being caught?”