I grabbed her hand and held it firmly in mine. It felt so good and suddenly I was so tired. I yawned and sat back in the seat, leaning my head against the soft sofa, closing my eyes. If only I could just stretch out somewhere and sleep, sleep for hours and hours.
“Hey, aren’t you nodding off already? It must be the warmth and the food” Nin poked me in my sides. “But you can’t do that yet. We have to call Josh and let him know that you are alright.”
With this, he got up and headed for the fitness room and the satellite phone.
No! I wasn’t ready for this! Please not yet!
“No, wait!” I exclaimed. “Wait, I can’t do this now. I am too exhausted.”
“WHAT!” The seething was right back in Nin’s voice. “You think, you can just go to sleep without letting Josh know that you are safely back with us!”
He came back toward me and bent down over me, his eyes blazing.
“Do you have any idea how bad these last few days have been for Josh? Any idea at all!! Do you care at all?”
I was so taken aback by this intense outburst, I couldn’t reply anything.
Yuki, always the mediator, took over. She gently pushed Nin aside, pulled Alice tight and then looked at me over her head, her eyes both sad and pleading.
“I was horrible! Lia. The day you had left, Josh called us as usual around 13:00 hours. It was eerie. He immediately wanted to know how you were doing. Not a word about any of us. Just you. As if he’d sensed it. When Nin told him that you’d left to try to lead Steve on a false trail, he went absolutely crazy! It was horrible! At first, he literally screamed at Nin. Why he hadn’t foreseen this? Couldn’t he take better care of you? After all, anyone who knew you, was aware how prone you were to taking bold and stupid risks. Hadn’t Nin seen it coming? He accused Nin of cowardliness, and basically blamed him for everything.”
I didn’t dare look at her or Nin, I felt so embarrassed and also guilty. That was really not what I had expected.
“Then Alice, precious little Alice, got him out of his tantrum by starting to wail.”
Yuki gently stroke Alice’s russet mane.
“Didn’t you, tiger? As it all proved to be too much for you.”
Then she looked at me again, eyes gentle but also very serious.
“After that, Josh apologized to Nin, to Alice, yes. But really, it was even worse than before. And eventually one of his friends led him away and Professor Papadopoulos took over, questioning us about this and that. He was very nice and sensible. In fact, he was entirely on your side, Lia, and lauded you for your courage and cleverness. At which point we could hear Josh growl in the background. This made Alice giggle and sort of released overall tensions which at that point had really been running high.”
Taking my hand and squeezing it hard, she insisted. “Lia, you have no idea how Josh suffered. It was terrible for the three of us, who all love you dearly, not to know where you were. It was terrible for us! But for Josh. For him it was simply hell! Never forget that! And bear with him, should he rant at you now. Which,” and here she laughed mockingly, “he’ll do for sure. It seems to be his way of dealing with emotionally stressful situations.”
“Have you heard from him since then?” I hardly dared asking, I felt so overcome by all of this.
“Have we heard of him? What kind of a stupid question is this?” Nin again.
“Three times a day he’s calling us these days. Three times! In fact, he’ll probably be calling us momentarily. Just wait and see!”
Uh! I wasn’t ready for this yet!
Outside, in the cold and solitude of my vigil it had seemed entirely appropriate to dream about Josh. To dissect his every behaviour to me, my feelings for him, to own up to them had seemed the right thing to do out there.
But now. Here. I was kind of overwhelmed by it all.
If I had to face Josh, then let me do it by myself. No, rather not, maybe it would help to have Yuki with me. I was suddenly thoroughly and utterly confused.
And I think it showed, because Yuki put her arm around me and squeezed me tight. “You’ll be alright, once he knows you’re safe. Just let him rant a bit; to get it out of his system. It’ll wear off by itself and then he’ll be just grateful that you’re okay, you’ll see.”
So, it seemed that the next thing to do was really to call Josh.
No getting around that!
I would have liked to hear how they had fared since my departure, had they heard from Mum or Dad, did they know where Uncle Phil and his group were by now.
But these things obviously had to wait now.
Nin was over at the phone. I briefly closed my eyes for a brief panicky, got up and walked over to Nin. He was kind of cute, briefly squeezing my hand as if for reassurance. I smiled at him.
“Thanks Nin!”
Then I sat down and let Nin set up the connection. After another encouraging nod, he left me to it and closed the door behind him as he left. How very considerate of him!
Josh must have been waiting besides the phone because he answered it within seconds. “Nin! Any news? How are you doing?” He spoke in staccato, voice flat, empty of emotions, yet very, very tense.
My heart was thudding and my mouth felt dry suddenly.
“Josh, it’s me, Lia. I am back, I just came back these past minutes and everything is fine. I succeeded…”
He didn’t let me finish my sentence. “Lia! Lia! Finally! Oh Lia! Are you okay? Oh, I am so glad to hear your voice! I was so worried! You can’t imagine!” His voice was choke-full of emotions now.
It was good to hear him, but I honestly didn’t quite know how to proceed. I needn’t worry though, he knew exactly what he wanted to tell me. His voice cracked now and, just as Yuki had foreseen, his tone changed and he vented his frustration and pent-up emotions at me.
“Lia! Do you know what you put me through!! Have you any idea! I thought I’d go mad here! Not knowing where you were! Where you’d gone!! What you had planned! How could you do this to me!! To me but also to your sister, brother and Yuki!! Lia! I…” His angry voice broke. “Lia, never do this again! Never, Promise me! I nearly went crazy!!” The anger had left him; now he sounded hurt and somewhat uncertain which made me feel so guilty.
“Josh, Josh!” I began, but he wasn’t finished yet.
“No, wait, I’m not yet done. I want you to understand the full impact this had on me. You can’t just decide on your own what should be done and go it alone! Understand! We are alone now, just us, maybe we’ll meet some other survivors in time, but for now it is just us. And we have to be able to trust each other, implicitly. Going behind somebodies back, for no matter how holy a reason, is just not good, not acceptable. I… you know, these last few days of agonizing over what might have happened to you were utter hell for me. I couldn’t think straight! I couldn’t sleep! Half of the time I wanted to murder you for being so reckless and the rest of the time I would gladly have sold my soul to the devil if only you’d come back safe! You can’t imagine the turmoil I was in, the stress, the worries. Never, do you understand, never do this to me again, Lia!”
I had nothing to say in my defence. Just as with Nin, I could understand their resentments. But none of them had been outside, had seen the emptiness of the land without human presence, and the brutality of the Nemesis. So who was I to blame if they just saw me as having acted reckless. I didn’t feel like defending myself. Kind of stubborn of me, yes, but still. Let Uncle Phil explain it all to them; because we would understand, of that I was dead sure. He always had. And he certainly would again this time.
“Lia, you still there?” Without waiting for an answer, he went on, his voice shaken, tender, but also angry. “Lia, really! I was so worried about you! You can’t imagine! It was torture! To think that I might never be able to tell you. That I might be too late. And you would never know that I love you. You can’t imagine the agony!”
I heard someone murmuring to Josh in the background and took the opportunity to finally h
ave a word too. “Yes, Josh, and no! I will never hurt you intentionally that I can easily promise you! But, should it be necessary, I would do the same again. You don’t know what it is like out there now. You have no idea what these Nemesis people are ready to do, are actually doing…”
“Lia! Did they hurt you?” He cut in, voice trembling with indignation and concern now.
“No, they didn’t. I am fine. They never found me. But I saw how they killed people. Deliberately hunting them down. Like game. And murdering them in cold blood. It scared me to bits! Steve isn’t someone high up in their ranks, by the way. They let him have a go at us and another one after he failed to catch me on that first day.”
I could hear Josh drew in a shocked breath.
Well, maybe I had better keep it clinically detached. I would tell him everything once he was here. So I quickly added, “Don’t worry, he never even came close. I had read him right all along, conceited idiot that he is. But what is far more important, Josh. I saw that there are many Nemesis people around and that they are actively hunting down survivors. Two days ago there was an entire convoy of vehicles heading out of town on the highway, direction south. It was really scary! They are very, very organized and they won’t let us be, they’ll hunt us wherever they’ll find us.”
I paused and took a deep breath. “Josh, I am very, very sorry that you were so anxious about me. I didn’t know. I didn’t dare think, that you might care for me more than just as a friend. What I did, I did for Yuki, Nin and Alice. I had to make sure that Steve would not stick around here. I had to make him believe that we had left. For us to be safe. It would have been far too dangerous to have him lurk around outside, just waiting for us to leave the house. But I am very sorry, really, for the hurt it caused you! And, honestly, I am already in agony when I imagine that you will be travelling all the way from England within just a few weeks. Josh! I have seen what they are capable of. Please, please, be careful! Promise me, that you will not do anything rash; that you will take whatever precaution you can. You will have to travel with the right equipment. Night-vision goggles, infrared cams, weapons to defend yourself, and, don’t travel alone! Promise me…”
I hadn’t realized how staccato my voice had become. It had kind of overwhelmed me. The thought of Josh out there, alone, and I not knowing where he was and all.
“Lia! Oh Lia!” He was laughing now. “Oh Lia, I love you! I truly do! You should hear yourself! Tit for tat, right? Or what is this all about?”
He sounded utterly happy now. Good.
And suddenly, I didn’t care any longer about my dignity or what it was that had made me hold back. This was too important.
“Josh, please! I am not kidding. Please, you will have to be careful! I couldn’t bear if anything happened to you. You are too important to me. And, I know what I have put you through, because if I imagine the journey ahead of you and all the perils it is fraught with, I am already going mad. I know what it must have cost you, because I’ll feel the same. So please, for my sake, please promise that you’ll be very, very careful!”
How good and right it felt to finally say these words.
Had things been different, in another world, in the world that had stopped existing on 17th of March, I would never have been able to be so open about it. But now, all the counted was that we had each other. There was no holding back feelings now, neither my love for Alice, Yuki and Nin, nor my feelings for Josh. I wanted it out in the open and wanted it to be part of who I was now.
After all, life was too precious!
We were surrounded by too much danger and uncertainty to be hesitant about our feelings. I didn’t know how many days we still had, what was waiting out there for us, we must live truthfully and honestly. I felt exhilaratingly light and free and totally happy. I almost burst out laughing.
My happiness must have been infectious because Josh sounded as cheerful as I was. “Ah Lia! How I wish I were already with you! I love you, so much! Never forget that! I wish I could see you now, not just hear your voice! I wish I could be with you now! I so long to see you!”
It felt wonderful!
Here we were, declaring ourselves, our feelings finally out in the open. No holding back any more.
But before we could dwell on that new-found wonder, Yuki, Alice and Nin all trooped into the room. They had had enough of waiting behind. They greeted Josh and Alice wanted to hear the news from Josh and his friends and everybody joined in.
We spent a carefree quarter of an hour just being happily together.
Then, Josh, Professor Papadopoulos and Josh’s friends wanted to know what I had seen and experienced. When I reported about the killing, about these other people, this man Chris, who seemed higher up than Steve within the ranks of the Nemesis, about the convoy of vehicles full of weapons, they all grew solemn and silent.
It was the first report from the outside world and it wasn’t encouraging.
Josh muttered something about me being far too reckless for my own good and that he would take care of that once he was here, which sent butterflies fluttering all over my stomach, but there was nothing they could do now.
It was decided that we would keep on communicating three times a day.
And, we got permission to go outside again in two days. To scout the situation as they put it.
Josh and Professor Papadopoulos and their group would stay underground for longer. They told us that they had heard explosions nearby and further away today. It was therefore probably not yet safe for them to venture out into the open. But for us, with the double security of the sub-basement shelter within the bomb shelter, it was deemed okay.
We would also, all of us, try to contact Uncle Phil. Apparently nobody had been able to reach him for the last four days.
And then it was time to say goodbye for today, tonight.
Nin, Yuki and Alice left the room and over there in England they must have done the same, because Josh revealed his feelings in a way he wouldn’t have done had others be present.
“Lia, maybe it is easier saying these words out loud without having your beautiful, grey eyes trained on me. They would intimidate me. You know that you can scare people quite a bit with that pensive, slightly amused look of yours! Ah, to think only two hours ago I didn’t know whether I would ever be able to hear your voice again. And now here we are. Now that I know you are safe, there is no holding back for me! I want you to know that I love you, Lia. You are my life now, never forget that! Take good care of yourself, because should anything happen to you, I wouldn’t know how to go on. That’s what these last few horrible days have taught me!”
I was a bit surprised, pleasantly surprised of course, by the intensity of his words, his feelings.
After all, a few days back we had been just friends, and not even close friends, more just acquaintances, hadn’t we? Yes, I had had a crush on him for many months, but he?
“Don’t get me wrong, Josh, the idea that you might love me too, is wonderful! But, honestly, I am a bit surprised. You never hinted at it before. I mean, you know, I have had a crush on you ever since I met you last autumn at Auntie Kamene’s, but I never thought you would feel the same way about me.”
I heard him chuckling over there, a very wonderful sound, totally relaxed.
“Ah, Lia, it wasn’t love at first sight for me, I can’t say that. I noticed you, sure, anyone would.”
What? Most certainly not!
“And of course I was interested. But somehow it didn’t seem appropriate to let my initial interest grow into something stronger. As if I could have helped. Stupid of me to even try! But, honestly, something Kamene said during those days at her place, made me shy away: she once said something about you being destined for a great scientific career. What with your Dad and Phil supporting your every move and paving your way to the top like nothing. It kind of disgusted me to think that you’d be able to simply moonwalk to wherever you chose while other people, such as I, had to work very, very hard and couldn’t be sure
to succeed even then. I only understood later that Kamene had really been very critical about this and wanted you free of all these family obligations.”
Iiiih! See! I always knew that Dad’s ambitions for me were harmful!
It didn’t do one any good to be the daughter of an accomplished, if controversial, scientist. Especially if that scientist was bent on making you do as he thought fit! Josh’s words hit me like a slap. Had it been that bad? The scheming of Dad behind my back.
But before I could say anything, Josh continued, his voice tender, smiling.
“But then, actually already at Kamene’s, but I sort of didn’t notice it then, I saw that you were trying hard to get away from it all. When I heard that you’d chosen to babysit your little sister instead of that brilliant career move your Dad had proposed and prepared for you, I was elated. Silly of me, maybe. But I peppered Kamene with questions and she and Phil explained. What Phil said made me see that you had serious issues with your Dad. That you were desperately trying to find your own way, without having your Dad pull strings for you all the time. That you hated having people treat you as a special case once they learned about your pedigree. When I learnt about your babysitting of Alice, I felt proud of you.”
His voice trailed off, but just as I couldn’t bear the silence any longer, he went on.
“My heart already knew then, you know, but my mind wasn’t ready to admit it yet. That I’d fallen for you! For the next several months I kept bugging Kamene, sometimes also Phil, but mostly Kamene with questions about you. What you were doing, how you were faring, this kind of thing. I told myself that it was because Phil had once said that you were the sure card to bet on if ever tough decisions were needed. He loves you very, very much, you know?”
There was a smile in his voice.
“You are the daughter of his heart, you know. That’s what Kamene says, too. Because you are so like him: thorough, careful, bold but always with a backup plan or two at hand, and mindful of the consequences for everyone else and everyone’s well-being. And I think that’s why I finally could allow myself to fall in love with you.”
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