Gods and Frogs, Oh My!

by Crymsyn Hart

  “Get off me ya stinkin’ feline!” the frog yelled. He tried to flap and hop away from the pussy. It was useless. Kalliope looked up from sneezing. The furniture landed with a thud. Everything was askew. Several of the plants had tipped over, but the fountain was still in working order. She bent down to get the cat, but it jumped off Humphrey. Then it stared the familiar down.

  “I haven’t had frog legs in an eternity. Come here, froggy,” the cat said. He flexed his claws. Kalli grabbed her familiar before Snowball could use the weapons.

  “That was downright rude,” said Snowball in a British accent.

  “I didn’t know you could talk,” said Kalliope.

  “And I didn’t know you were smart enough to conjure your own familiar.” The cat jumped up on the breakfast bar and batted at an orange.

  “Where’s Morgaine?”

  “Why should I tell you?” The cat began licking his paws.

  She got down in the pussy’s face. “Because if you don’t, I’ll turn you into a rabbit and put you in a cage with a bunch of leopards. How does that sound?”

  “You don’t have the guts!”

  “I wouldn’t count on that, pussy,” the frog answered. “She conjured me, and I ain’t nothin’ to squawk about. I’ve seen her do some pretty crazy stuff. How do ya think cutesy boy over there got shot?”

  The cat purred while he thought. “Oh, all right! She’s in Avalon, but I wouldn’t interrupt her. She left me to watch over the place.”

  “That wasn’t so hard now, was it?” Kalliope didn’t like the cat more and more. It was bad enough it had swiped at her the first time she met him. Looking down at Apollo, she grabbed his arms again and began moving him toward the bathroom door. She sneezed. The shower curtain blew down. The hamper hit the ceiling. She raided the medicine cabinet and discovered some more cold medicine. She blew her nose and then downed the pills. She would be glad when her cold was gone. Hopefully then she would be safe around furniture.

  She slung the discarded bow and quiver over her and grabbed Apollo once more. Picturing Avalon with its apple trees and priestess gathered in a circle on the Tor, she pulled the god through the door. She tripped over a hump in the carpet and fell backward, bringing Apollo with her.

  Chapter Six

  She landed on her back with Apollo’s face buried in her chest. When she opened her eyes, Kalliope saw her roommate.

  “Hi Kalliope.” The ex-goddess smiled. Flidais seemed full of life. Her dark hair was streaked white and her complexion was glittery. That was something new.

  “You ate another apple, didn’t you?” she asked.

  The ex-goddess smiled. “Yeah. Dagda delivered it himself. Why do you have Apollo on top of you? And why is one of Cupid’s arrow’s sticking out of his back. That boy has to be more careful where he shoots those things.” Flidais picked up Apollo off her without any effort at all. Kalliope got up and took the bow and the arrows off her back. Somehow the bow had gotten wrapped around her neck and was strangling her. She dropped them by the hearth.

  When she did, the sword above the mantle winked at her. A sudden light caught it and made it shine really bright. “Hello Excalibur. I haven’t forgotten you.”

  The sword glowed bright blue and then went dull again. Kalliope shook her head and then looked at Flidais. She had her foot pressed on Apollo’s back and was trying to pull out the arrow. Even with her increased strength, the ex-goddess could not get it to budge. She stopped after a second and wiped her brow.

  “I guess I’m not goddess enough yet to pull this thing out. How did he get shot and how did you end up with him?”

  “So, he’s not dead?”

  Flidais laughed. “Heavens no. Just knocked out. He’ll be fine once we can get this thing out of him. It’s just like pulling a stake out of a vampire. Once you do, they pop up like daisies and are sucking neck again. Plain and simple.”

  “There are real vampires?”

  “Of course. Did you not think there were? You know if you believe in something—"

  “Yes. I know the drill. That’s why there’s the Almighty Cheesecake. Did you know he wrote a book on poker?”

  “No. I’ll have to find it. He’s a whiz when it comes to the game. All the other gods hate that he wins all the time. He has to lose so they win.”

  “Have you seen Morgaine? I figured she can-can— aachoo!” Kalliope sneezed. Excalibur came off its hooks and landed blade first in the stones of the hearth.

  “Oh great!” Flidais said. “You sound sick.”

  Kalliope nodded, hoping the medicine would kick in before she had another bought of wanting to have wild sex. She tried to pull the sword from the stone, but it was not budging. Great. This is all I need. Morgaine’s going to kill me.

  “Leave it. Someone will come along and pull it out eventually. By the way, you don’t want to interrupt Morgaine right now.”

  Kalliope pushed her hair out of her face. She took a moment and calmed her nerves. She really did want to interrupt the sorceress because she had to find away to get the arrow out of Apollo, the sword out of the stone, and get rid of her cold. “Don’t really have a choice.”

  She walked past the hearth and pushed aside the curtains hanging in the door. When she did, she was transported to a tropical paradise. There was a path overgrown with large ferns, but it was passable. The aroma of flowers scented the air. Birds squawked overhead. It reminded her of being in a rain forest. A light mist drizzled down through the canopy, making everything appear to have a rainbow attached to it.

  She heard voices not too far ahead of her.

  “Morgaine?” she called.

  Kalliope heard a moan. She pushed aside the fauna and walked up the path. There was a bed in the middle of a clearing with a brook babbling next to it. A cool breeze lifted sheer bed curtains. Kalliope saw her friend’s back through the drapes. There was someone else in bed with her.

  “I thought I told no one to disturb me!” Morgaine yelled.

  Kalliope realized she had walked in on her friend who was extremely occupied and quickly hid behind a large palm so the sorceress would not feel uncomfortable.

  “Sorry. But I really need to talk to you!” Kalliope called.

  “Kalli?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Now is not really a good time. I’m kinda —err—busy. Can’t you come back later? We can work out whatever magickal problem you’re having then.”

  Kalliope sighed. If only it were that easy. She could only image how the centuries old sorceress was going to react when she saw Apollo. At least he’s alive. I don’t know what I’d do if I killed a god or had been the cause. I’m sure Zeus would say something. I don’t feel like being the one to be filing his toenails for all eternity either.

  “Trust me it wasn’t som-ome th-thing…” Damn. She sneezed again. When she did, there was a large thud. Morgaine and her companion landed on the ground.

  The sorceress sighed. “I’ll be right there. I can never get any time to myself.” Kalliope waited. Finally her friend emerged from the foliage wearing jeans and a black band T-shirt.

  “Sorry.”

  Morgaine said nothing, but motioned for her to follow. When she crossed over the threshold, back to Avalon, Apollo was no longer on the floor. He was on Morgaine’s bed. The sorceress turned around and glanced at Kalliope. “How did Apollo end up dead on my bed?”

  “He’s not dead.” Flidais chimed in. “He’s only stunned from the arrow.”

  “Great. Have you tried to pull it out?”

  “I didn’t know if it would hurt him. Flidais tried, but it wasn’t budging,” Kalliope explained.

  “Sometimes I wonder why you’re a witch and why this one is a goddess.”

  “Ex-goddess on the way to becoming a goddess, thank you,” Flidais corrected.

  Morgaine shook her head. “Whatever, I don’t care what kind of a goddess you are. Kalliope get on that side of him. Flidais hold him down.”

  Both women did what they were told
. Kalliope held down Apollo’s uninjured shoulder. His face was turned toward her and he seemed peaceful. The ex-goddess was sat on his feet. Morgaine straddled his back and gripped the shaft of the arrow with both hands. With one quick tug, she yanked the arrow out of the god’s shoulder. There was no blood on the tip.

  “Kalli, don’t let him—”

  Once the arrow left his body, Apollo opened his eyes and saw Kalliope. “Hello, gorgeous.” He popped up out of bed and swept her up into his arms into a deep kiss.

  “—look at you.” Flidais was too late.

  Kalliope melted in his arms. She felt completely at home. With the first touch of his lips, the fever burned in her body. She desired nothing more than to bed this beautiful hunk that had her in his arms. Any thought of Lugh vanished from her mind. Apollo’s hands grabbed and squeezed her butt underneath her dress. That made her jump up into his arms. She wrapped her legs around his waist. He didn’t seem to mind at all. He turned and was about to lay her on the bed. Kalliope didn’t want him to stop, not caring that there was an audience. She was sweating. The fever in her brain had blocked any rational thought except sating the wanton lust consuming her. God he was a great kisser. His lips were full. His chest was ‘oh my God lick off chocolate syrup’ good. She kissed him harder and —

  Was suddenly dosed with frigid water. When that happened, her senses returned. She scooted away from the god who looked at her with big puppy dog eyes. He was not wet at all. What have I done to Lugh? What’s wrong with me?

  “Kalliope, are you okay?” Morgaine asked.

  She shook her head and wiped the tears from her eyes. Guilt ate her alive. She sniffled and sneezed again. This time only the bed covers levitated. The furniture stayed put. The cold medicine was finally kicking in. “Something is seriously wrong.”

  “Smooky, let me make it all better. I can cure anything you want,” Apollo said. He reminded her of a love sick teenage snuggled against her back with his head on her shoulder. Just the heat radiating from him dried her skin.

  All three of the women looked at one another “Smooky?” Flidais started laughing.

  “What’s wrong with him?” Kalliope asked.

  “He got shot with one of Cupid’s arrows. When you pulled it out you were the first woman he saw. It’s love at first sight.”

  “Flidais, you saw what I did to him. I practically raped him. I can’t be around a love struck god when I’m this way! What’s Lugh going to say when he finds out I fooled around behind his back with one of his friends? He won’t take too lightly to it. I know how I felt when I walked in on Quince. After all these years, I finally find a guy who I love and then I screw it up by cheating on him. What’s he going to think of me?” Kalliope started to cry.

  Apollo had a concerned expression and started to go to her aid, but Morgaine shot him a look and he backed away. Flidais sat on the bed next to her and put her arm around her. “Child, it will be all right. The effects of the arrow will wear off in a few hours. It’s like Dagda drinking coffee except Apollo is going to have one hell of a hangover when he comes down. Lugh will understand. You’re not feeling well. You’ll be honest with him. He knows your heart.”

  She hoped her roommate was right. Morgaine gave her another hug. “Flidais is right. Don’t worry about Lugh or Apollo. Tell us how he got shot in the first place.”

  Kalliope took a deep breath and started from the beginning. Both women paled, especially at the mention of the Furies. Neither said a word. Morgaine waved her hand. A book appeared in her lamp. It looked familiar. This was the same book Morgaine had gotten out when the sorceress had tried to show her astrology. Her friend had told Kalliope not to worry about the beings in the picture. Now she had to.

  “Zeus should have gone after those monsters by himself. All he has to do is throw a couple of lightning bolts and they’d go back to the Underworld. He’s just a lazy ass.” Morgaine slammed the book shut. “You said Nas was going to find some information out on them? Can you trust her after she tried to shoot you?”

  Kalliope was silent for a while. She thought about it. Her instincts said Nas and she would finally be able to put things behind her now that she had seen Lugh had given her a piece of his heart. Her hand wrapped around the pendent. Her mind drifted to the Sun god. With the thought, she saw him in the forest with his dog, a magickal greyhound that lived in her apartment as well. He stopped, turned, and looked in her direction. The stone flared to life. Lugh moved his hand in mid air. She felt his fingers trace the line of her jaw, trail down her neck, and teasingly brush the top of her breasts. Her heart swelled with love and guilt at the phantom caress. What was she going to tell him? Of course it would be the truth, but could he live with her after that? Her mind turned back to the situation at hand. She had to save the world, but there had been a few detours. Now she was ready to get back on track.

  “Yes. I can trust Nas. Morgaine, do you know any way I can get rid of this cold? Have you ever had symptoms like this?”

  “Sorry, Kalli. I just get normal colds if I get them. It’s been a long time since I’ve had one.”

  “I can make you better, love,” said Apollo. The women still ignored him.

  “I guess I’m on my own. What do I do with him? Do you guys know anything about the Furies?”

  Flidais took the book from Morgaine’s lap and leafed through the pages quickly. When her eyes settled on the picture of them, she burst out laughing. “I’m sorry, but the Furies do not look like this. Well they have serpents for hair—”

  “Like Medusa?” Kalliope asked.

  “Yes. They’re related. Distant cousins, I think. I used to hang out with them back in my early creation years. I was wild. Those were the days. When they got pissed off, watch out. The Furies are sisters. Each one has different poisonous snakes for hair. There is Haley Anne, Haley Jo, and Haley Bobby. They look like prissy farm girls, but when they think someone has wronged them. I wouldn’t be in their path.”

  “It reminds me of the movie Heathers,” Morgaine said.

  “You know. They kinda are like the girls in that movie. Except they don’t try to kill one another. They just kill other people. I saw Haley Jo rip a guy’s penis off because he had slept with his wife’s sister. It was not pretty. That was when I saw how dangerous they were and decided to go my own way. We got into a huge fight about it. They were my best friends for years.”

  “Great friends. No offense, but if they’re dangerous why would Zeus just let them go?” Kalliope asked.

  “Oh, he wouldn’t just let them go. They were placed in the Underworld to work the UFC for eternity. The only thing that could have let them out was a certain celestial alignment that would act as a key. It only happens every five thousand years or so.”

  Upon hearing that, Morgaine jumped up and rummaged through her trunk. She came back with a scroll and unrolled it out on the bed. Kalliope saw the stars and planets. Staring at it, she realized it was the same chart she had looked at months ago when Morgaine was trying to teach her astrology.

  “Is that the same one that exploded?” Kalliope asked.

  “Almost. I conjured it after you left. I figured it would be safer. Flidais, could this be the right kind of ‘key’ that would open the Underworld and let the Furies out from their perpetual grease filled service?”

  The ex-goddess took the chart and studied it for a moment. Apollo looked over her shoulder. “That is very bad,” he said. He put his arms around Kalliope. His fingers brushed the top of her breasts absently. Kalliope tried to ignore the delightful shivers running through her. She had to concentrate very hard on what the other women were saying. Biting her lips and clenching her thighs together seemed to help a little. He rested his head on her shoulder. “I’ll protect you from those mean nasty Furies.”

  “There you have it. I’m surprised I didn’t realize five thousand years had passed. Then again, I was more human when this occurred and wasn’t really thinking about what would happen if the Furies decided to get out.
I guess they decided to leave UFC hell.”

  “UFC?” Kalliope shrugged off Apollo. The cold medicine had kicked into high gear so she was good for a while. Even though part of her still wanted to throw him down, straddle him, and have her way with the sun god, it was for the best she got better.

  “You know. Underworld Fried Calamari? They’re popping up all over the Underworld. Last time I went there, there was one right by the entrance. Zeus sentenced the Furies to work in the one in the palace so Hades could keep an eye on them. Persephone loves calamari. Poor thing has gained so much weight. She should never have eaten those pomegranate seeds,” Flidais said absently while looking at the map.

  Morgaine rolled her eyes at the statement. “Here.” Flidais pointed to a cluster of stars near the beginning of the chart. Morgaine showed it to Kalliope. She glanced at the two of them with a blank look on her face.

  “And that means what?”

  “Morgaine, I thought you were teaching the girl astrology. You told me she was getting better at it.”

  “I guess I neglected to tell you that she sucks and we stopped months ago. The same day the Furies got out. She’s hopeless.”

  “Thanks a lot.”

  “It’s true,” Morgaine retorted.

  “Ladies, please finish with your argument so I can take my snooky away and make beautiful love to her.” Apollo started kissing Kalliope’s neck. Her eyes half closed at the caresses. She shook herself from the daze when the stone next to her heart flared to life.

  “Excuse me. I’ll be right back,” Kalliope said.

  Morgaine was shocked. “Are you really going to take him up on his offer?”

  Kalliope said nothing but pictured a bucket of ice water tumbling on her friend’s head. The bucket appeared and the water doused the sorceress. Morgaine gave her an evil look. Kalliope stuck her tongue out at the woman dragged Apollo into the other room. Once they crossed the threshold, they appeared back in her apartment, in her bedroom. When Apollo saw the bed, a wide grin appeared on his face. He swept her up in his arms before she could protest and laid her gently on the covers which turned to silk. Her dress was now a black silk nightie. Apollo’s toga had disappeared. He was naked on top of her. His shaft was hard and ready for her against her thigh. He leaned over her and stared into her eyes. She studied his face and realized how much she wanted Lugh. No matter what her body told her to do when the fever flashes hit. She just wanted Lugh to take here away where there was no crazy serpent headed goddesses named Haley. The god above her leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. He smelled like musk and fresh rain. If she was unattached, she certainly would have fallen for him, Cupid’s arrow or no. Doing the right thing, she pushed him away. He looked down at her with sad, hurt, and confused eyes.