Ghost Writer in the Sky

by Anthony, Piers

  “The sauna, Aunt? We did not come for relaxation.”

  “I know that, dear. Go there and strip down, and I’ll round up the others for you. I’m sure it will all work out.” Ida returned to her shoveling.

  Tartan knew, again, from what he had been told, that if Ida was sure, it was so. That was after all her magic. He chided himself for not quite fully believing.

  Drew led them across the snow to a tiny igloo big enough for about one and a half people. “Follow me,” he said, and dived into its small entrance hole.

  “But there’s no room,” Tara protested.

  “There is room,” Monica assured her, and dived in herself.

  Tara shrugged and followed her. Then Tartan did, expecting to encounter a total jam inside. But to his amazement, the interior was just large enough for the four of them. It was also quite warm. Drew had already stripped down to his briefs, and Monica to her bra and panties. Tartan was about to freak out, but then a waft of steam fuzzed her outline just enough in those regions to ease the problem. It was evidently a competent sauna.

  Tara shrugged and did the same, as she would have sweltered to distraction otherwise. Steam fuzzed her key details too, without quite managing to obscure the fact that they were less pronounced than Monica’s.

  So Tartan stripped down too. It seemed that the Adult Conspiracy, or whatever it was, was protecting them from incidental mischief.

  The others arrived, one by one, and with each one the sauna expanded just enough. It also showed no sign of melting, despite the heat. So it was magic, made to accommodate whatever number of people was needed. He should have known.

  Soon they were all seated around a hot pool that burbled up in the center, enjoying the steam bath. Even the Goddess Isis, who probably could have walked through fire if she wanted to. Steam formed a thick blanket around her, but Tartan found that it still wasn’t smart to look too closely, lest he freak anyway.

  “The others should be along soon,” Drew said. “I must say, you girls look fetching.”

  “You certainly do,” Bernard agreed.

  “What you boys need to find are girls who aren’t on other business,” Amara said. “Who are free to settle down with you in your own reality. You seem to be worthy men. We’re just not the ones.”

  “We are looking,” Drew said. “But so far luck has not been with us.”

  “It was the right thing for you to come here,” Dolin said. “Aunt Ida said things would work out.”

  “So she did,” Drew agreed. “But in what sense did she mean it? That you would find your proper reality, or that folk like Bernard and I would find our women?”

  “I believe she meant it in all respects,” Dolin said.

  “That is very positive,” Drew said. “But as with the Good Magician’s Answers, some interpretation may be required.”

  Another person entered the igloo. “Princess Dawn!” Tartan exclaimed.

  “I am so glad to see you, Dawn,” Dolin said. “Now I know our relationship. You are my half sister.”

  “That’s wonderful,” Dawn said, stripping as she spoke. “The geis prevented me from telling you, but now that you know it for yourself, I am free to acknowledge it.” She went to him and kissed him on the cheek. Then she took her place before the central pool. “Oh, this is delightful, after that snow!” She looked around. “Some of you I know. Some I don’t. If you will touch hands with me, I will know.”

  Drew and Bernard reached across to touch her hand.

  “Oh, my,” she said. “Another brother, and the Magician of Time. I’m impressed.”

  Another person arrived. This was Princess Eve. Dawn quickly explained about them to the newcomers, and Eve smiled graciously. She too stripped down and sat before the pool. The steam had to struggle to mask the two of them.

  The next person to arrive was D. Metria. “What’s scrolling here?” she asked.

  “Happening, Mother,” Ted said before she could go into her routine. “We’re having a conclave, and it seems you’re invited.”

  “Oh, Woe Betide would love this. And Mentia. Do you mind if I—?”

  “Go ahead,” Tartan said.

  She glanced at him. “Do you know me?”

  “We met on the path to Caprice Castle,” he said. “Tara and I were the ghosts.”

  “Oh, yes,” she agreed. “The dull Mundanes.”

  “The same,” Tara said with a smile.

  Metria took a deep breath as her clothing dissipated, almost (but not quite) freaking out all the men except Drew. She burst into a ball of smoke, which then fragmented into two and a half sections, which in turn coalesced into Metria herself, a similar demoness with more oomph, and a child.

  “Gee,” the child exclaimed. “A pond!” She leaped into it, assuming the form of a cannonball, and splashed hot water over everyone.

  “That is Woe Betide,” Drew said. “Five years old and technically my aunt.”

  “She is not,” the shapelier demoness said. “She is an aspect of your mother, as am I.”

  “Yes, Aunt Mentia,” Drew agreed with resignation.

  Mentia turned to the others. “The distinction between the three of us is that Metria has a vocabulary disability, I am a little crazy, and Woe Betide is a brat.”

  “I am not!” the child cried from the pool, splashing water in her direction. “You take that back, you freak!”

  “Quiet, urchin, or I’ll throw an Adult Word at you, you little nuisance.”

  “You wouldn’t dare, you meanie!”

  Mentia whispered something into her palm, then threw it at the child. Woe dodged to the side, and the word sailed on into the water, where it sizzled villianously before expiring.

  “Missed me!” the child cried. “Nyaa nyaa nyaa!”

  “Why don’t you go out and play in the snow?” Drew suggested diplomatically to the child. “You can have a snowball fight.”

  “Say, yeah!” Woe exclaimed happily as she rose from the water. Then she paused in place. “But who can I hit?”

  “My children Piton and Data will be out as soon as they get their jackets on,” Dawn said. “They’re your age, Woe. They’d love a snowball fight.”

  “And my son Plato,” Eve said. “He’s only a little older.”

  “Aww, his snowballs smell of dead things,” Woe said.

  “His governess Zosi Zombie is along to be sure he behaves,” Eve said.

  “Great!” Woe said, and zoomed out the doorway.

  “As is our nanny Jody,” Dawn said. “Her musical talent is great for distracting them when they get grumpy.”

  Eve glanced at her. “I thought Kelei was your nanny.”

  “She is, in Xanth proper. But here on Ptero we have access to folk from other realities, and Jody is marvelous as an alternate.”

  “Is any of this relevant to our conclave?” Drew asked. “I’m sure children and nannies are fine for those who have them, but not all of us do.”

  “Actually, this discussion is the right thing,” Dolin said, surprised. “I am uncertain of its relevance, but the feeling is strong.”

  “Oh, my,” Dawn said. “I just realized how relevant it is. I believe we should go out and watch the children have their fun.”

  Drew shook his head. “Glad as I am to meet you half sisters, I just can’t believe that—”

  He was interrupted by the entry of another man. “Father!” Dolin, Drew, Dawn, and Eve said almost together, amazed.

  “Prince Dolph,” Amara said. “The father of these four siblings, by three different wives, it seems.”

  “The wives are along,” Dolph said. “You have to get out of the sauna. A snowshoe is coming.”

  Tartan glanced at Tara, confirming that she was as confused as he was. So they both stayed out of it.

  “A snowshoe?” Bernard asked.

 
; Now they heard a muffled thud. Something huge had struck the ground nearby.

  “It’s headed this way,” Dolph said urgently. “It could hit the sauna.”

  There was another thud.

  They decided to get out, despite not being dressed for it. They scrambled out of the doorway and stood in the deep blue snow. The children were nearby, four of them. So were Dolph’s wives, three older women standing together. Tartan recognized Electra, and presumed the others were the Princess Taplin and Nada Naga. Apparently they got along, here on Ptero.

  “Mother!” Dolin exclaimed, going to hug the middle woman.

  “I’m so glad to see you making friends, dear,” Taplin said.

  “Yes, but it’s complicated.”

  There was not time for more, as there was another thud. All gazed at the approaching monster.

  Which was an enormous shoe. It seemed to be made of packed blue snow, and was the size of a house. And it was moving, as if on the foot of an invisible giant. But there was only one of it, apparently tromping along by itself. Heading right for the igloo/sauna.

  “Our clothing is still in there,” Dawn exclaimed. “We have to stop it!”

  The men exchanged a glance. They seemed to be less concerned about clothing, though faint traces of steam still fuzzed the ladies’ key areas.

  “I can send it back in time,” Bernard said.

  “I could turn dragon and toast it,” Emerald said.

  “Don’t do that,” Princess Ida said. “The snowshoe is merely going from A to B.” Indeed, now Tartan saw a big letter A near the horizon where the shoe might have started, and the letter B in the other direction where it was going. “We don’t want to harm it, merely to divert it.”

  “Let me try,” a young woman said.

  “By all means, Jody,” Ida said. “Drew, perhaps you can help her.”

  “Yes, Aunt,” Drew said, not seeming to understand her suggestion but willing to go along. He went to join the girl, who saw him and smiled with a sudden flash of prettiness.

  The shoe landed one giant step closer to the igloo, actually not far from where the people stood. Jody and Drew went out to intercept it.

  “Jody is a distant descendant of Jordan Barbarian and Threnody,” Ida explained as the others watched. “Her talent is healing music. That is, it makes people feel so much better they want to dance.”

  Jody came close to the snowshoe and began to sing. Her song was so cheerful that Tartan felt his feet lifting in the beginning of a dance. He saw Drew, closer to her, dancing more vigorously. And then the shoe danced too. It lifted and set down in the same place, thunderously tapping the ground. Then it jumped to the side and tapped there. It continued, traveling sideways, until it was no longer heading toward the igloo.

  Jody stopped singing, allowing all of them to relax. The snowshoe resumed its forward motion, missing the igloo and going on toward the horizon.

  “That was beautiful!” Drew said. “You diverted the menace without harming it.”

  “Thank you,” Jody said shyly.

  “I don’t believe we have met before,” Drew said. “Are you here on business?”

  “I babysit Princess Dawn’s children, here on Ptero.”

  “Oh, that’s right; she mentioned it. Are you from her reality?”

  “No.” She hesitated. “I’m from yours. But you don’t have any children to babysit.”

  “That’s because I don’t have a wife. I am here to look for one.” Then he did a double take. “And Princess Ida suggested that I meet you. I am impressed by your talent. Are you by any chance—?”

  Jody blushed.

  “Of course she’s available, you ninny,” Ida said. “Kiss her and be done with it.”

  Drew hardly even thought about it. He took Jody into his arms and kissed her. Little hearts flew out.

  “I see we’re going to have to get a new baby sitter,” Dawn said. “She’ll be tending to her own children soon enough.”

  “Congratulations,” Bernard said. Then, to Ida: “I don’t suppose you lined up one for me too?”

  “There was no need,” Ida said. “She’s been under your nose all along.”

  “Under my nose?”

  “Kelei!” Ida called.

  Another pretty young woman appeared. “Yes, Princess Ida?”

  “Bernard is about to take notice of you.”

  “Oh.” Kelei blushed furiously.

  “She’s had a crush on you forever,” Dawn said. “But you never noticed. Then you left our reality. That wasn’t nice.”

  “I—”

  “Show him your talent, dear,” Ida said.

  The snowscape ahead of them became a scintillating pattern of light and colors, utterly lovely and compelling.

  “She diverts the children,” Dawn said. “That’s why we like her. It’s not a Magician class talent, but there are more things than magic in a good relationship, as you may be coming to understand, Bernard. You were looking for a Sorceress when you should have been looking for a compatible woman.”

  “I stand corrected,” Bernard said, plainly impressed with more than Kelei’s magic, spectacular as it was. She was fully clothed for the snow, unlike those who had hastily exited the sauna, but had good foundations to support that clothing.

  “Let’s get back inside before we freeze,” Tartan said, fearing that the blueness of his body was not merely snow. Tara nodded emphatic agreement.

  They piled back in, including the three women who had been supervising the children, because now Dolph and two wives were doing that, enjoying their time with their grandchildren and each other, with the demon child Woe Betide, and with Tata Dogfish. They were even getting in on the snowball fight. Ida, her business here finished, returned to her house.

  The nannies quickly stripped, in the heat of the sauna, confirming their proportions, had there been any doubt. Now Kelei sat next to Bernard and Jody sat next to Drew. Zosi sat next to Eve. She was different; she did not look like a zombie, and Eve respected her enough to trust her son to her care. She surely had an interesting story.

  “Her boyfriend is Mundane,” Eve murmured to Tartan. “He visits every so often. That’s what keeps her from reverting to full zombie mode. Meanwhile she’s perfect for Plato, who has a certain taste for the macabre.”

  Oh.

  “Now let’s review our purpose here,” Dawn said briskly. “Dolin? There are things some of us know but may not be allowed to say, so it is better if you say them.” Which was a nice way of including those who had no idea what was going on.

  “I originated in what we are terming Reality Number Two, R#2,” Dolin said. “I am the half brother of Prince Drew and the Princesses Dawn and Eve, in R#3 and R#1 respectively. I was killed as a child by the Sea Hag, but my mother, Princess Taplin from the distant past, attempted to save me by giving me the chance to live in another reality, one where I did not live and die.” He glanced at Taplin, who nodded. “It seems the vagaries of magic allow such things, albeit with serious restrictions. My Aunt Merara, Mera, carried the ring containing my soul to the Good Magician, who enabled us to transfer our spirits to hosts in R#1. If I am able to find a suitable princess to marry there, I will be able to remain as a living man of my apparent age, with the missing portion of my life filled in. To facilitate my search, the Mundane visitors Tartan and Tara allowed me to join their quest to deal with the so-called Ghost Writer who is obliging Xanth residents to play out dream stories he crafts. We were joined by Emerald, a dragon princess presently in human form, who needs to marry a human prince in order to secure a lasting truce between the human and dragon species.”

  Dolin paused, smiling. “It would seem that Emerald and I represent the answer to each other’s quests, but that is not the case. We are friends, and will marry if we have to, but we prefer to avoid this. Because she has no romantic or storkish interes
t in men, and I hope to find a princess who can fully enjoy such relations with me. Another member of our party is Amara, who in R#1 is host to the Goddess Isis.” He glanced at the two, who nodded. “Amara has no romantic interest in either a man or a woman, and while Isis has considerable interest, this is not her mission at the moment. She has agreed to help deal with the Ghost Writer, but is confined to the comic strip and can’t act directly outside it. Her interest is to find a way out of the strip that doesn’t annoy the powers that be.”

  He smiled. “As you can appreciate, our several missions were similarly unlikely to be accomplished. But it got worse. The Ghost Writer caught us in one of his stories, a parody of a Mundane fantasy, and we were unable to escape it. He demanded as the price of release that Amara, hosting Isis, engage him in stork teasing trysts. This is objectionable to both ladies. We escaped it the only way it seemed we could, by using one of Magician Bernard’s time bombs to vault back to the time of my Aunt Mera, almost nine hundred years ago. There we met the Sorceress Tapis, she of the phenomenal magic tapestries, my grandmother on my mother’s side. She was courteous and generous, and we very much enjoyed her company.” He paused as Emerald made an expression.

  “The Sorceress gave me a marvelous tapestry,” Emerald said, in the pause he had made for her. “See.” She brought out the thimble, drew out the tapestry, and unrolled it, holding it up for all to see.

  There was a murmur of awe as the dragon took wing and flew among the clouds. Anyone who had not been aware of Tapis’ magic certainly appreciated it now.

  Emerald rolled up the tapestry and put it away just before the pause ended. She had a nice sense of timing, as princesses often did.

  “Thank you, Emerald,” Dolin said. Then he resumed his summary before it got lost. “We arranged to return to the present time, adding Aunt Mera to our party, whose talent is to shift realities. However such shifts can have unintended consequences, as we discovered to our dismay when we arrived in a third alternate reality, R#3, where we met Prince Drew and Magician Bernard. There may have been a purpose in this diversion, for it seems it has helped both men find what they were looking for, but for us of the original party it is a problem. We came here for this conclave in the hope that some member of it would have a viable notion how we might safely return to R#1.”