The thoughts were already embedded in Toni’s brain as though etched in granite. “Or she’s biding her time until she finds someone she thinks is more worthy of the risk.”
“Well, that’s possible, I guess. But not likely. I know you hate this kind of turmoil, but it comes with the territory. When you’re trying to get to know someone it’s always like this.”
“Always? Really?”
“Sure. A new relationship is always filled with ups and downs.”
Toni let the words wash over her. Ups and downs were one thing, but this felt like a roller coaster. Things had been so much easier when she’d kept her friends close and her lovers distant.
***
By the time Toni got home she was in a lather. She didn’t anger easily, and when she did, her anger usually flared and burned itself out quickly. But tonight she ruminated over what Heidi had said, finding herself getting angrier by the minute. Love was about risk, and she had taken more risks than she ever had. She’d been the one to ask Noel out, she’d been the one to pursue her, she’d been the one to ask her to spend the night that first time, she’d been the one who suggested they get together after Noel left town. Every single risk had been from her! What was Noel putting into this? Sure, they got along great sexually, but that wasn’t what mattered now. What mattered now was going that next step. And Noel had shown no inclination to move her foot, much less take a step.
Toni didn’t know how she would do it, but she resolved to pull back. There was no way she was going to be left hanging if Noel didn’t want to proceed. She’d done pretty well on her own all of these years, and there was no reason she wouldn’t do well if this didn’t work out. She went into her bathroom and poured some antacids into her hand. Chewing quickly to get rid of the chalky taste, she swore to herself that she was going to pull back and not go another inch until Noel made it clear she was equally invested.
***
It was almost eleven o’clock when her cell phone rang. She was certain it was Noel. They hadn’t talked to each other yet, and they never missed a day. Her muscles twitched, desperate to pick up the phone. But she refused, determined to maintain her self-respect.
***
Despite Noel’s tender message, Toni didn’t return her call. She also barely slept. But she felt a little more in control, even if it did seem like there was a quart of acid in her gut. When she got out of the shower the next morning, she heard her phone ringing, but again she didn’t answer. She knew Noel would be in school soon, so she waited until she knew her phone would be off to return her call. Her message was perfunctory. “Hi, it’s Toni. I was out last night and didn’t get a chance to call you back. Running late today. Have a good one.”
***
Toni argued with herself all day long. She had a feeling she was being unreasonable, but she also felt that Noel was taking advantage of her. It didn’t feel like that when they were together, but when they were apart, she felt like she could see things in a different, clearer light. Still, even though some things seemed in sharper focus, she was woefully confused. She was certain Heidi was on her side, but it seemed as though she was trying to create doubt. Heidi knew more than anyone that Toni had a hard time figuring relationships out. Still, Heidi hadn’t brought any of this up. She was just replying to Toni’s questions.
By the time Toni got home, she felt like she’d worked three days instead of one. Her body ached and her head throbbed. She’d been castigating herself over what she now knew was her imprudent decision to pursue this relationship with such gusto. She knew from watching her friends that there was as much heartache as love in each of these journeys. She should have known better. Tired to the bone, she dropped her keys, shucked her coat, and lay down on the couch, her boots still on her feet.
***
Some time later, Toni heard her phone ringing. She tried to wake up, but her mind and body didn’t cooperate. Feeling like her limbs were covered in lead, she closed her eyes again, falling asleep immediately. She had no idea how much time had passed, but she was wakened once again by someone pounding on the front door. Her heart began to race as it often did when she was pulled from a deep sleep. She stumbled to the front door, getting her feet tangled in her discarded jacket. Biting back a curse, she opened the door to find a worried-looking Noel. “Are you all right?”
Toni nodded mutely. She stepped back and let Noel enter. “Are you sick? She put her hands on Toni’s flushed cheeks. “I’ve been so worried about you!” She hugged her hard, then stepped back to look around the room lit only by the porch light. “Why don’t you have any lights on? No TV?” She moved across the room and turned a table lamp on. “And your jacket’s on the floor.” She took another long look at Toni. “Were you sleeping with your clothes on?” She extended her hands and crossed back over to her. “Sweetheart, tell me what’s wrong.”
Toni fell into her embrace and let her body and soul soak up the concern she could feel flowing into her. “You’ve never called me sweetheart,” she said, bursting into tears.
Noel patted her back, then rubbed it. “You’re very, very sweet. And you have my heart.” She pulled away and placed the back of her hand on Toni’s forehead. “I think you have a fever, too. When did you start to feel bad?”
Strangely, a big grin settled onto Toni’s face. “Last night. I thought I was just in a bad mood.”
“You’re never in a bad mood, but you are coming down with something. I’m so glad I came down to see you. I’m gonna stay until you’re better, so don’t even try to argue with me. Come on now.” She tugged Toni towards the bedroom. “Have you eaten?”
“No, my stomach’s been upset.”
“I’m going to get you into bed, then get you a little something.” She undressed her quickly and put her to bed, tucking the covers up to her chin. “You rest while I go over to the diner. I’m sure you don’t have anything here.”
“Noel?” Toni said quietly.
“Yeah?”
“I thought you were busy this weekend.”
“I was. But you come first.” She started to walk away, then stopped. Turning to look at Toni, she said, “Did you doubt that?” Seeing the lack of certainty in Toni’s dark eyes, she said, “You never should. You’ll always come first.”
Toni watched her leave and was suddenly overcome with a sense of serenity that she hadn’t felt in quite a while. She snuggled down into the covers and happily waited for Noel to return.
***
By Sunday evening, Toni’s fever had broken and her appetite was back. Noel didn’t want to leave, but since Toni insisted she was going to work the next day, it made sense for her to go home. As she sometimes did, she called her sister to have some company for the long drive. They spent a while talking about Toni’s health, then April brought up a topic they had discussed frequently.
“It sure would be easier for both of you if you would move down there.”
“I thought your family was supposed to want you to stay close to home,” Noel commented dryly.
“No, you got it wrong. Your family is supposed to help you not screw things up.”
“Why are you so sure I’m going to screw this up? I think I’m doing fine. I took a risk this weekend and called her ‘sweetheart.’”
April waited a beat, then said, “You’re kidding.”
“No,” Noel said proudly, “I did.”
“You’ve been seeing her for six months! It took six months and a virus to get you to say something most people would say on the third date?”
“I’ve never said something like that on a third date. You know I’m cautious.”
“You slept with her pretty quickly,” April said, chuckling evilly.
“I had no control over that. It didn’t even occur to me to resist her.” She moaned in frustration. “You have no idea, April. I’ve never been this attracted to anyone. She’s like a big chocolate Easter bunny and I’m a hungry five-year-old.”
“Then get on with it. Make some plans. Commit
to her.”
“I have. We’re both committed to seeing only each other and trying to make it work.”
April must have cupped her hand around the receiver, because her voice sounded like it was coming from a megaphone. “It’s been six months. You need to make a move.”
“I’m going to. I’m going to. I’m pretty certain I’m going to spend the summer there again. If things go well, maybe we’ll be able to make some plans then.”
“You want to wait another nine months? You can create a human being in nine months!”
“You know Toni is commitment phobic. I don’t want to rush her.”
“You can insist that Toni’s the one who’s afraid, but I think it’s you. And if you don’t get off your butt and make some progress you’re going to lose her. And I would truly hate for that to happen.”
“So would I! You know how much I care for her. But I won’t be completely surprised if she’s not able to make this work. I’m not at all sure that I’m going to be the first woman to convince Toni Hooper to settle down.”
“Don’t forget what they say about the lottery. You can’t win if you don’t play.”
Part Thirteen
They spent the weekend before Christmas in Rehoboth. Noel had made more trips to Delaware than Toni had to Maryland, but she claimed to prefer it that way. They were relaxing in bed on Sunday afternoon, debating whether or not to go into the living room to watch the Ravens on TV. Noel was in favor, but she could tell by the way Toni’s gaze was fixed on her that another round of lovemaking was in the offing.
“Oh! I keep forgetting to ask if you’ve firmed up your plans for Christmas.”
“Yeah, we have. My mom, dad and I are going to my brother’s on Tuesday. We’ll stay until we’re finished with the addition, and we’re guessing it will take a week.”
Noel started to kiss her way across Toni’s chest, knowing it would distract her but unable to resist. “I was thinking more of our plans. You know I want you to come to my parents’ for Christmas Eve and Christmas day and Boxing Day and…”
“Boxing Day?”
“Never mind. We don’t celebrate that.”
“It’s not gonna be easy. I checked on MapQuest and my brother’s house is sixty miles from your parents’.”
“Ugh! That’s sucks.”
“I know. And since my dad and I are going to be there primarily to do the addition, I can’t sneak out very often.”
“You’re well worth a sixty-mile drive. When do you guys celebrate?”
“Christmas Eve. How about you?”
“The same. What about Christmas day?”
“It’s just going to be me and my parents at my brother’s house, because he and his family are going to his wife’s parents. But my dad’s planning on working.” She smiled and acted like she was hammering something onto the bed. “Once he gets going, he doesn’t want to stop.”
“I hate to leave my family on Christmas Eve. My poor grandmother is hanging onto her faculties by a thread.”
“You need to be there. And I know your nieces and nephews really want you there.”
“Same for yours. Maiden aunts are very popular on Christmas.”
Toni laughed. “That’s the truth. And I always get stuck putting everything together since neither my brother nor my brother-in-law have any mechanical ability.”
“How do you think your mom would take it if I wanted to come over on Christmas Day?”
Toni’s eyes closed while she scratched her head. Finally, she said, “You won’t have fun, but I can handle her.”
“No.” Noel put her hand on Toni’s shoulder and shook it. “I want a serious answer.”
Toni met her gaze, not saying anything for over a minute. When she did speak her words were measured. “It’d be more fun if we met somewhere else. I’ll be able to get away by five o’clock. I’ll come up to your house.”
“No, no. I don’t want you to work all day and have to drive that far.” She could tell that Toni’s sexual desire had evaporated. “Is your mom really that difficult?”
With a sad smile, she nodded briefly. “The holidays are a real powder keg. It might be okay, but I sure wouldn’t count on it.”
Noel decided to try to banish the troubling thoughts she could see going through Toni’s head. “You know what would be fun,” she said, jumping out of bed. “I want to test your powers of concentration.” Giving her a curious look, Toni took her hand and allowed herself to be led from the bed. They went into the living room where Noel urged her to lie on the sofa as she got on her knees in front of her. “I want to turn the game on and have you do play-by-play while I play with you.”
“That is the goofiest idea you’ve ever had,” Toni said, laughing.
Noel was fully aware of how goofy it was. But she was also pleased to see the sparkle back in Toni’s eyes, her ulterior motive.
***
Noel was putting some finishing touches on the gifts she bought for her nieces and nephews when her cell phone rang on Christmas Eve morning. When she saw the name on the display she got up and made a dash for her old bedroom. “Hi,” she said, quietly closing the door. “I miss you!”
“I miss you, too. My taskmaster father gave us the day off, but there are so many people running around here that it’s like a mad house.”
“It’s still quiet here. I could probably get away for a few hours…”
“I’d love to see you, but there’s no way I could get away without bringing a kid or two with me. I’ve got one on my lap right now.”
Charmed, Noel said, “Who do you have?”
“My girlfriend wants to know your name.” Noel heard a little voice giggle. “This one doesn’t talk much, that’s why I let her stay in here with me. Do you want to say hello to Noel, Emma?” There were some rustling noises and a little cajoling, then Toni got back on. “No dice. Count your blessings,” she added, chuckling.
“Where are you guys?”
“In my brother’s bedroom. Little did I know that one day I’d have to go to his bedroom to get a little privacy. The rules have changed.”
“It stinks that your cell phone isn’t working.”
“He lives way out in the sticks. One of those new developments chomping up all of the fantastic farmland that made Virginia so beautiful. But now it’s just a bunch of massive houses on small lots, where you try to act like a baron on an eighth of an acre. “
“I can’t tell how you feel about it,” Noel giggled. “Don’t hold back.”
“I just don’t understand living like this. It takes him over an hour to get to work on a good day. My sister-in-law leaves the house at seven to get the kids to school and day care, and nobody gets home again until after six. Then they run around like crazy people trying to get the kids fed and help my nephew with his homework, then they start getting them put to bed. They don’t have any quiet time,” she said, clearly puzzled. “How can you live without any quiet time?”
“I don’t know. All I know is that I couldn’t spend over two hours a day getting to and from work. Thank God neither of us has to.”
“I wish I had some quiet time with you,” Toni said softly. “I miss being able to just talk.”
“This won’t last forever. We have to keep it in perspective.”
“Where are you going to be on Monday?”
“I’ll probably still be at my parents’. Why? Can you get away?”
“No, but we’ve gotten a lot done and my mom and dad are gonna go home. I’m gonna stay and finish plumbing the bathroom. Why don’t you come over on Monday and hang out?”
“That’s the best offer I’ve had all week. I’d give an awful lot to see you today, but I understand how things are.”
“I hope you don’t think I always buckle under to my mom’s demands. I really don’t. I just try to choose my battles. If we’re…what I mean is…I stand up to her when I need to.”
Noel knew her well enough to know exactly what she was trying to say. Toni would force h
er mother to come to terms with Noel’s presence if she was certain Noel was going to be a lasting part of the landscape. But if she wasn’t, why go to the trouble? It hurt to think that Toni wasn’t sure they’d be together for the next holiday. But that’s the risk she knew she was taking when she allowed herself to fall for a woman so averse to lasting relationships.
***
A little bit before ten that evening, Noel felt her cell phone buzzing in her pocket. Her mother saw her jump, and when she pulled out the device and looked at it, she made eye contact with her mom who nodded indulgently. She dashed into the bathroom and said, “Hello?”
“Hi.” There was something about the way Toni said just that one word that let Noel know that neither niece nor nephew sat on her lap.
“Hello, yourself. You have your naughty girl voice on.”
Chuckling, Toni said, “I have a naughty girl voice?”
“You sure do. And I love it. Are all of the little Hoopers in bed?”
“I expect so. But I’m more interested in a certain Carpenter. Why don’t you put on your coat and step outside.”
Noel clapped her hand over her mouth, stopping herself from squealing with excitement. “You’re here?”
“Yep. I can’t stay very long, but it just wouldn’t be Christmas without you.”
“Come inside! April and Ed and the boys are still here. You can finally meet everyone.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t have very long and I’d rather focus on you. Is that horribly rude?”
“Probably,” Noel said, chuckling, “but I don’t care. I’ll be right out.”
Toni watched the door and laughed to herself when April emerged with Noel. April glowered and shook her finger at Toni, but when Toni got out of a dark grey SUV and blew April a kiss, she got one back. Noel couldn’t wait for her own kiss. She dashed right up to Toni and threw her arms around her. It was cold and windy, but they both felt a surge of warmth flow through their bodies when they held each other. “Let’s get in. The car’s nice and warm.”
Susan X. Meagher - The Legacy Page 23
