***
That Saturday night, Toni sat across from Heidi at one of the nicer restaurants in town. They’d had a pleasant evening together, their fight seemingly forgotten. Noel’s name had come up frequently, but they hadn’t discussed her in any depth. They were waiting for their dessert and coffee to be delivered when Heidi said, “I replayed our fight in my mind a few times since the other night.”
“Forget about it. I have.”
“No,” Heidi said thoughtfully. “It didn’t come across this way, but I was asking a serious question. I’m genuinely interested in what’s going on with you and Noel. I know I butchered this question, but what I wanted to know was what is it about her that’s made you want to give up your freedom?”
Toni fidgeted in her seat, briefly regretting her agreement to meet for dinner. But Heidi was her oldest friend, and she had to get past any discomfort where Noel was concerned. “You know this isn’t what I’m best at. I have a hard time putting words to my feelings.”
“You can do it when you put your mind to it,” Heidi said, smiling fondly. “I’ve heard you with my very own ears.”
Even though she’d been very comfortable for the past hour, Toni felt like she was sitting on pins, and almost checked her chair to see if the upholstery had come loose. She moved her chair back an inch or two, thinking that might fix things. “I don’t know,” she finally said when she realized she hadn’t answered the question. “It’s certainly wasn’t anything I planned.” She gave a helpless-looking shrug. “It just happened.”
“I can understand that. You got carried away.”
“Yeah. That sounds right. Before I knew it, I’d lost interest in going out with anyone else.”
Smiling, Heidi said, “It sounds about like the time that ornithologist was here for a couple of months. What was her name?”
“Mandy. Mandy Thompkins. Boy, that’s probably been five years ago.”
“At least. You were massively crushed on her.”
“Not really. Well, not when I think about it now.”
“Oh, come on! She’s all you talked about.”
“Maybe. But that was mostly about sex.” Toni laughed at the memory. “If there is such a thing as a nymphomaniac, she was one.”
“How is it different with Noel?”
Heidi’s gaze was firmly settled on Toni’s face. Toni felt as though she could see right into her thoughts. “I’m not sure,” she said, irritably. “I just know it’s different. I’m really, really attracted to Noel. It’s more than just sex.”
“That’s what I’m interested in. Do you have a lot in common? Do you share the same interests? Hobbies?”
Toni felt as though she were trying to figure out a complex carpentry problem…without a tape measure or calculator. “No…well, kinda…I guess. She doesn’t work on cars or anything, but I think we have things in common.”
“What do you do when you’re together?”
Toni’s eyes were scrunched into slits. She sat perfectly still for a few seconds. “Noel says we’re doing what most couples do when they first get together. She says this only lasts for a little while though, so we’re enjoying it.” The chair was acting up again, and her ankle itched. Maybe there were sand fleas in the restaurant.
Heidi charitably came to her rescue. “Having a great sex life can come in handy when things get tough. If Isabel and I had gotten along better in bed, we might still be together.”
“We don’t have any problems there.” Toni’s smile was tight, and she immediately tried to change the subject. “I think our biggest problem will be distance. It’s hard for both of us to be this far away, and it’s hard for me to get weekends off. I hate to make Noel come here all the time, but she might have to.”
“That might work out in your favor. Your honeymoon period should last a lot longer if you only see each other on weekends.” She made a face. “Then you have to get to the hard work of relationship building.”
Toni felt the knot in the pit of her stomach start to build. She wasn’t sure what Heidi meant, and the fact that she didn’t know made her worry that she wouldn’t be capable of doing it. Why did this have to be so hard?
***
The Saturday after Thanksgiving found Toni lying in Noel’s bed, trying to relax enough to go to sleep. Groggily, Noel reached over and patted her belly. “I’ve never known you to have trouble sleeping. Want to talk about what’s bothering you?”
“I didn’t say anything was bothering me.”
The tone Toni used was unmistakable. She was bothered by something. Probably something big. Noel sat up and propped some pillows behind her back. “You’ve been a little distant all day. I thought I might just be imagining it, but I think there’s something there. Talk to me.” She put her hand on Toni’s head and gently stroked her hair. “Come on, tell me what’s on your mind.”
Grumpily, Toni mumbled, “It’s nothing.”
“Yes, it is. If something’s keeping you awake, it’s important enough to talk about.”
“I’m just…thinking…worrying that I might be more into you than you’re into me.”
“What?” Noel jerked up straighter. Had anyone ever said anything crazier? “You’ve got to be kidding.”
“I’m not kidding at all. This doesn’t seem funny to me.”
“Come on, Toni. You’ve got to tell me more. If I were any more into you, I’d…” She struggled to think of an example but Toni provided one.
Quietly, in almost a whisper, Toni said, “Maybe you’d have wanted to spend Thanksgiving with me.”
Noel’s stomach turned. What in the world had she missed? “What? I would’ve loved to have spent Thanksgiving with you, but you said you were going to be with your family.”
“I didn’t have any other offers.”
Noel slipped down until she and Toni were face-to-face. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. “It didn’t dawn on me to invite you, but it certainly wasn’t because I didn’t want to be with you. I just assumed…”
“I thought we weren’t going to do that anymore. Assume stuff…”
“You’re right. We did agree to that. But you’ve got to admit that you didn’t invite me to your house for Thanksgiving either.”
“I didn’t have that option. My mom doesn’t like to have strangers come to family functions, and just about everybody is a stranger.”
“That’s…unique.”
“She’s always been that way. My mom has to control everything, and having someone around who she doesn’t think of as family throws her for a loop. A few years ago I tried to invite Heidi for Christmas. There was a bad storm and she missed her flight to see her family, so it was last minute. My mom acted like I’d asked if I could bring a box full of rats.”
“Oh, Toni. You must have felt terrible not having her there.”
“No way,” she said, shaking her head. “I stayed in Rehoboth. My mom was mad at me for months, but I wasn’t going to let Heidi be alone.”
“You’re such a sweetheart.” Noel stroked her face and kissed it repeatedly. “I’m glad you did that. That shows your character.” She moved closer and put her arm around Toni, pressing their bodies together. “You’re a very, very good woman. And I’m very sorry I was too oblivious to invite you to join us for Thanksgiving. Can you join my family for Christmas? We have a great time together and I know you’d have fun.”
“Don’t you have to ask your mom?”
“No. Of course not. She’s dying to meet you.”
Sheepishly, Toni said, “I can’t come. My dad and I are doing that addition for my brother. If I took a day off, it’d screw up our schedule.”
“Christmas Day?”
“Yeah. My dad has us scheduled for the whole day.”
Noel thought that was insane, but she held her tongue, knowing that Toni’s opinion of her father was unblemished. “Maybe I could go to Virginia to see you.”
Toni shrugged. “You wouldn’t have any fun. My mom has to run the whole holiday like i
t’s boot camp. Presents have to be opened at a certain time, the right photos have to be taken.” She sat up and kissed Noel’s cheek. “Stay with your family. I guarantee you’ll have a nicer holiday.”
“But being with you would make any day special.”
“Thanks.” Toni looked weary and she lay down and let out a breath. “We’ll see. Maybe we’ll be able to see each other for a little while.”
***
Two weeks after Thanksgiving, Toni, Heidi and Roxy were all at Jackie’s, complaining about the fact that they would all probably be there on the weekend too. Noel was taking a class in Baltimore and Toni was on duty, so she couldn’t go up. Heidi’s new girlfriend, Angela, was chaperoning her son on a school trip, leaving her solo. And Roxy was grousing about the fact that the weather was expected to be cool and rainy, the kind of weekend that made tourists stay away in droves.
The bar was very quiet and Jackie was leaning against it questioning Heidi. “So tell us more about this girl you’ve been seeing. Is it serious?”
Heidi smiled somewhat inscrutably. “You know how it is. Once you’ve had two dates with someone, it’s serious.”
“Are you seeing her a lot?”
“Yeah. It takes a little juggling of our schedules, but I don’t think we’ve missed a week.”
Roxy pinched Toni on the back. “She’s doing better than you are, Hoop. You’ve missed a lot of weekends.”
“Heidi’s new girlfriend isn’t a firefighter. I can only change days off so many times.” She didn’t look angry when she replied, but her tone was a little sharp.
“You don’t want to let Heidi beat you to the altar,” Roxy said, clearly trying to get a rise out of Toni.
“I’m not in a rush,” Toni said, her tone arid.
“You guys have both been seeing somebody for about the same amount of time, right?”
That wasn’t true, but Toni didn’t want to make a point of how long she and Noel had been sleeping with each other, so she just shrugged.
Roxy continued, “I think we should have a bet to see who falls in love first, who has a commitment ceremony first…all that gooey stuff.”
Toni was tempted to kick Roxy in the shin with her cowboy boot. Instead, she yawned loudly and said, “Let me know how the handicapping goes. I can’t bet since I’m in a position to fix the race. I’m gonna hit the hay.”
“It’s not even ten o’clock,” Roxy complained.
Toni kissed her on the cheek. “I know, but you’re such a fascinating conversationalist that you wear me out.”
She got up and Heidi did the same. “I’m gonna take off, too.” She kissed Roxy, and they both went around to the side of the bar to kiss Jackie goodnight.
When they got outside, Heidi said, “Feel like walking me home? You don’t look tired.”
Smiling, Toni asked, “What do I look?”
“Irritated. Sometimes Roxy doesn’t know when to stuff a sock in it.”
They started walking in the direction of Heidi’s house. “I almost stuck my boot in it,” Toni admitted. “And that would have hurt.”
“Sometimes Roxy is like a little brother. You know you can’t kick her butt or you’ll get in trouble, but you really want to.”
“My little brother isn’t half as obnoxious as Roxy,” Toni said, chuckling.
“She just does it because she knows she can.”
“Yeah, but I don’t have to like it.”
Toni had her hands in her pockets, and Heidi threaded her hand around Toni’s arm. “How is it going with Noel?”
“Good. I feel like I’m flying blind most of the time,” she chuckled, “but I think it’s going well.”
“Count your blessings that she doesn’t have any kids. That makes everything so much harder.”
“Really? Why?”
“Lots of little things, and a few big things. Like…we probably would have moved in together if not for her son. But she has joint custody of him and her ex has already said she’d fight her about taking him out of state.”
Toni’s mouth dropped open and she stared at her. “You’re at that point already?”
“Sure.” She looked at Toni quizzically. “You’re not?”
“No. Not at all.”
“Wow. I didn’t want to give Roxy the satisfaction, but we’ve already crossed the I-love-you barrier.”
“Amazing.” Toni’s eyes had taken on that hooded quality they often had when something was troubling her.
“You’re not there yet?” Heidi asked gently, squeezing Toni’s bicep with her hand.
“No.” She didn’t say anything for a little while. Then, her voice full of uncertainty, she asked, “Should we have done that by now?”
“I can’t say. Every couple is different.” They walked on in silence for another few moments, then Heidi asked, “How serious are you?”
Immediately, Toni replied, “I’m very serious.”
Something about the way she sounded made Heidi ask, “Do you think Noel is less serious than you are?”
Toni knew that Heidi wasn’t the best person to confide in. She had an agenda, even though Toni wasn’t always sure what it was. But at this point in her life she honestly didn’t have anyone other than Noel to talk to about this. And there were so many questions flying around in her head that she felt like she might combust.
“I honestly don’t know. How can you tell something like that?”
Heidi didn’t reply immediately. Toni’s stomach was in knots when she finally said, “Has she talked about moving here?”
“Yeah.” She tried to keep the panic from her voice. “She doesn’t want to move here. I think she liked it well enough this summer, but she’s made it clear that Baltimore is her home. She hasn’t changed her mind about running The Sandpiper either, so don’t bother to ask about that.”
“But she hasn’t talked about selling it lately, so that’s a good sign.”
“I’m not sure that’s true, but I’ll take it.”
“What did she say about the future?”
“Not much. When we first started…dating, she said I’d be the last person she’d choose if she was looking for a permanent relationship.” Heidi let out an outraged squawk, so Toni hurried to add, “She had good reason to say that. I made it perfectly clear that I didn’t want a girlfriend.”
“What?” Heidi’s confusion was evident from her expression. “Why would you tell her you didn’t want a girlfriend if you were just starting to date?”
Caught in her lie about timing, Toni tried to think her way out of it. The best she could come up with was, “I told her I wanted to date her…but that I hadn’t wanted a girlfriend for a very long time. I think she was teasing a little bit. You know, trying not to sound too serious.”
“Nonetheless, that’s pretty rude. She can be pretty abrupt. Standoffish too. I know we both thought that when we first met her.”
Toni shot her a piercing look. “You didn’t say that then. You said you liked her.”
“I do. But I’m not going to like her if she’s screwing around with you.”
“I don’t think she is. I think she’s just not sure of me. Not that I blame her. I’ve got a rotten track record.”
Heidi let go of Toni’s arm, moving to encircle her waist. She hugged her. “You weren’t a good partner, but you’ve been a great friend. I’m pretty sure you’ve learned a lot over the years. I think Noel would be lucky to get you.”
Toni shrugged, looking a little self-conscious. “She has said one promising thing. She’s told me several times that if we both want this to work out, it will.”
Heidi nodded thoughtfully. “That is promising…if you both want it.”
The emphasis Heidi put on that qualifier made Toni feel like throwing up. When she said it that way, it sounded like the kind of thing Noel would say to make sure she had an out.
“Don’t worry about it. Any smart woman would be lucky to have you.”
Toni recognized Heidi’s reassuring tone of voi
ce from the dozens of times she had proclaimed that Max wasn’t as sick as they both knew she was. The mere fact that she was using it made Toni more anxious than if she’d said nothing. She knew she shouldn’t ask, but she couldn’t help herself. “Give me your best guess. From what I’ve said, do you think she’s in love with me?”
The seconds ticked away, each one giving more time for Toni’s jaw to clench painfully. Finally, Heidi said, “No, I don’t think she is. But that doesn’t mean she won’t be. Maybe it’s just hard for her to commit. Has she been in other relationships besides the one she just got out of?”
“Yeah. A bunch of them. If she’s afraid to commit, I think she’s just afraid of committing to me.”
Heidi blew out a stream of air, making a soft whistling sound. “Ooo.”
Growing more agitated by the moment, Toni said, “I’ve been going over something in my mind. She didn’t invite me to her family Thanksgiving gathering, even though she said she wanted to after I called her on it. That just didn’t sound right to me, even though I tried to convince myself that it didn’t mean anything.”
“I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but if she were in love with you…” Heidi’s voice trailed off, leaving Toni to fill in the blank.
Toni was feeling sick and wishing she’d never allowed herself to get into this conversation. “That’s what I think too. I know she likes me a lot, but I don’t think she loves me.”
“How do you get along with her parents? It’s always a good sign when a woman wants to show you off?”
Another kick to the gut. “I haven’t met them.”
“Really? Don’t they live close to Noel?”
“Yeah.” She fought back against the bile in her gut. “I think so. Somewhere in Maryland.”
“How about her friends? I know you must spend time with her friends when you visit her.”
“No. I’ve never met any of them.” Her head swirled, trying to process all of these horrible facts.
“Ooo, that’s not good.” Heidi hugged her again, then patted her back under her jacket. “No, no, forget I said that. She just got out of a relationship. She’s probably taking this really, really slowly. Don’t give it another thought.”
Susan X. Meagher - The Legacy Page 22
