Winter's Gamble

by Armstrong, Mechele

  Until Neo’s body stiffened against him. Phil didn’t have to look at him to know something had upset him.

  Love you. The last words came back to Phil like a kick in the crotch. His eyelids fluttered open. What had possessed him to say that? No matter how he felt, he should have known that wouldn’t go over well.

  Neo’s body was like a rock against him. Rigid and unmoving. Neo probably had a pissed-off look.

  He chanced a glance to see Neo’s shocked face. He’d bet wrong on his expression. Maybe surprise was good as opposed to anger? How to fix this? It had been too much to hope that Neo hadn’t heard it. Hell, he hadn’t been aware he’d been saying it. Time for damage control. “You blew my mind. I’d love anybody right now.” It sounded lame, even to his ears. But maybe that would start them talking, and there’d be a way around it in the conversation.

  Neo didn’t relax at all. His face turned into one of stony annoyance, that while not his mad face, it still wasn’t the way Phil wanted Neo to look. “You know—”

  “I know.” Phil blew out a long heavy breath. He was still recovering from the most intense orgasm of his life. Of course he didn’t know what he was saying. All the blood hadn’t returned to his head yet. It was a lousy body design that a man could barely think and have a full-fledged erection at the same time. And forget it after an orgasm. It was like all the brains went out with the come.

  “No, no, you don’t know.” Neo leaned away from him and kept his distance. “You don’t know me well enough to love me. You can’t say that.”

  Phil rubbed his face. What the hell? He’d just figured this out and blurted the words as they’d come into his head. Might as well go for broke. “I do know you. I know your favorite drink is a mojito. You love the color purple. Actually you love the book, The Color Purple too. And the movie. Your favorite meal is a cheeseburger and fries, but you eat vegetables to try and keep your dancing ‘figure’ and only go on a binge once in a while. You don’t like ice cream, even when it’s covered in chocolate, though you do adore chocolate. Dark to be exact. You like to dance and wanted to be a ballet dancer like Baryshnikov when you were in high school, but you became too tall. You wrinkle your nose when you get upset. Your favorite curse word is ‘shit.’” He could go on, but he stopped. He knew more about Neo than he’d even realized.

  “How…” Neo looked as if he didn’t know what to say, and he stammered in proof of that. The man was rarely speechless.

  Maybe that was a point for Phil. “I never got over you from before. I know you’re not ready. I know that. I screwed it up. But I know how I feel now.” Even before he’d known he was in love, he’d known there was something special about Neo. There was something about him that drew Phil despite the conflicts that kept them from getting together. If Rose hadn’t done what she had, he’d still be mooning over Neo even as he tried to date other people.

  “I don’t know whether to call you a stalker. Or be like in the sappy movies and run to you with arms wide open.” Neo pinched the bridge of his nose. “Course, I always curse and throw things at the screen in a sappy movie.”

  Humor. That was a good sign. “Well, I’m not a stalker.” Phil chuckled. “I know that, and I know you’re not ready to feel that way about me. I don’t expect it. I can wait.” He’d waited this long. What were a few more months?

  Neo looked at him with his eyes open wide. “Why?” He sounded incredulous, like Phil had said he was going to walk on the moon.

  “Why what?” Phil had never thought he’d get this far in making things right with Neo. Of course he would wait for Neo to figure out his feelings no matter how long it took.

  “Why wait?” Neo didn’t look like he could understand that. Did he think so little of himself?

  “Because you’re worth it.” He pulled the blanket up around him as if to dismiss the conversation. He turned his back to Neo. His voice sounded flat. “I can leave if you want. But I’d like to stay. Like I didn’t before.”

  After a moment, Neo shifted back over in the bed. He seemed to hesitate but finally spoke. “You can stay. But don’t get any ideas.” Neo must have tugged on the blanket, because it moved.

  Phil enjoyed the smell of Neo beside him and the scent of him in the sheets. He didn’t say anything but closed his eyes and lay in Neo’s room. In Neo’s bed. He’d finally get to wake up with the man instead of by a phone call. He wouldn’t run away this time. Maybe he better turn off his damn phone. But he was warm in the bed, and after that killer orgasm he was tired, so he decided to stay where he was. He’d ignore the phone if it rang. He opened his eyes a few minutes later when a hand came around him and went to his crotch. “Thought you said don’t get any ideas…” Did his smile show in his tone? Neo could wake him up like that anytime.

  “I did. I’m the one who can get ideas.” Neo’s breath was hot against Phil’s neck as he stroked along Phil’s flaccid cock. That was having ideas about coming back to life. It twitched and then barreled into an erection. “Lots of ideas. You’re a quick boy.”

  Phil turned to face Neo with a kiss to his lips. He drowned in the man’s embrace, his entire libido coming back to life.

  He’d gone into this with the knowledge it might only be tonight and hadn’t even thought about Neo and him going to bed. A second round of sex was more than he’d ever hoped for after his admission.

  The chance was paying off.

  Chapter Nine

  Neo awoke warmer and more content than he’d ever been before. The covers were on him, unlike usual when he’d kicked them off. His arm was thrown across something that breathed, and his legs were intertwined with what felt like a different set of legs.

  Phil.

  Neo cracked one eye open to see the room was still dark, but the corners behind the shades were alight with sunshine. He moved his head and slowly surveyed the room. Must be after eight. A quick glance at the clock proved him right.

  Phil snored slightly, mouth ajar. He didn’t have a rip-roaring snore. Instead, it was a slight breath held just a little long with a small buzz of an inhale.

  Even not in the most flattering of positions, he was gorgeous and a complete heartthrob.

  And in love with you.

  That was a kick in the ass. He’d never had anyone in love with him before or at least who had told him so. God knows, he never dated. He didn’t spend time with anyone long enough for them to fall in love. That had been his way since he’d figured out he was gay and that he wanted to dance. He’d never met anyone he wanted to stick around long enough to find out they were in love with him.

  So how did this happen?

  He didn’t have a clue. At best, it was thrilling. It was exciting. At worst, it was scary and could turn into a monster of a problem.

  Phil’s body jerked in sleep. He cuddled up to Neo like Neo was a comfy pillow or blanket. Never even woke up. The heat-seeking body that seemed to pull Phil into his warmth also made Neo want to lean over and brush a soft kiss on the man’s cheek.

  Last time, they hadn’t woken up together.

  This time was different. In a lot of ways. For one, they were both a lot more mature than they’d been last time. Neo was mature enough not to follow his first instinct to run away from this new information. He wouldn’t pull a Phil. Ever.

  So how did Neo feel about Phil?

  I wish I knew.

  There was still anger. Though that was lessening. Phil was doing everything he could to make up for the past. That was all he could do. It was up to Neo to either move past the anger or hold on to it.

  There was lust. That much was a given. There had been lust from the first moment he’d spotted Phil shyly watching him. Some men Neo had been with hardly heard a word Neo said, or so it seemed. Phil actually heard him.

  But it didn’t mean Neo loved him back,

  And though Neo would deny it aloud, there was also affection. Phil had quickly reminded him why Neo had contemplated dating him back in the day. Phil was easy for him to relate to. Not to
mention Neo knew he wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, but Phil made it look easy. He seemed to have a knack for handling Neo in a way no one else had. He didn’t let Neo’s bad attitude get him down.

  He liked Phil. They had things in common, but enough was different that it wasn’t like dating another Neo. Phil was agreeable, easy to look at, a good lover, a good listener. He made Neo feel like no one ever had before. And that was the problem. Like wasn’t love, and Neo wasn’t sure how he felt. Also, he hadn’t figured out if he could completely forgive and forget the past yet either. He didn’t want to blame Phil for everything because of that past. And none of it seemed fair to Phil, who was in love with him.

  What a mess.

  Maybe he should sneak out? Before Phil woke up? If Phil woke up, they’d end up doing each other again. And much as Neo was up for that—he looked down at his erect cock; boy, was he ever up for that—it was not a good idea in his current state of mind. He didn’t need cock. He needed some answers about what was next.

  That was what was fair to Phil. He’d been thinking about being mature, and that would be the grown-up way to handle this. Figure out feelings before fucking.

  There was only one way he thought the best. Dancing. And he needed to do it alone, so that meant getting out of here.

  Wouldn’t leaving come across like he was trying for revenge on Phil for doing what he had to him, though? Especially as this was Neo’s apartment and not Phil’s.

  A note.

  He could leave a note that would explain his absence, and that this wasn’t for payback. He could tell Phil that he needed to think—that was the truth—and that he’d tell him some decisions later today. Great way to handle this.

  He tiptoed across the room and picked up his clothes. What the hell the note should say other than no revenge was beyond him, but one step at a time.

  A snore broke from the bed, and Neo thought that surely Phil would awaken and catch Neo before he could leave. But he didn’t.

  Neo grabbed his clothes.

  He ducked for the kitchen and hurriedly threw on his pants and shirt. He rummaged in the junk drawer by the fridge to find a notepad and a pen. Now what to say? I’m leaving you in my apartment. Don’t fuck it up by being mad at me for leaving you. But Phil wouldn’t do that.

  Odd, the fact that he trusted Phil enough to leave him in the apartment made Neo want to go back and lie down with him. There had been lovers he wouldn’t trust anywhere, much less where he lived.

  He took two steps back toward the bedroom. But how did that help anything? It didn’t.

  That isn’t enough to make a relationship. You need to figure out if you do have a base for a relationship before you have sex again. You need to get some air and think. Without the distraction of Phil lying in the other room.

  Which was what he wrote in the note. Neo wasn’t after drama. He told the truth about his confusion. He left the note where he knew Phil would find it and scurried for the door, put his hand on the knob, and hesitated before opening it to the world.

  Coward.

  Was it cowardice? Or self-preservation? Or both? Was it mature or immature? Neo wasn’t sure, but he had to figure this out before Phil got hurt. That not hurting Phil was a priority was in some way news to him, but he didn’t dwell on it.

  He needed some space to figure this shit out. Or it could gut them both in the spaces where it hurt the most.

  Yes, this is the right decision.

  He flung the door open and marched down the couple of steps. Didn’t look around at anything or anyone.

  He dropped his keys right outside his car door but picked them up hurriedly. He’d go practice dance in a friend’s studio that he had the pass code for.

  Maybe dancing would bring him some much-needed clarity.

  * * * *

  Phil rolled over with a start, looking for a warm body, only to discover he was alone in the bed. Neo must be in the bathroom. He snuggled up to the pillow. It smelled like Neo. His cock crooked to life in an early-morning woody. Hurry up from the bathroom.

  This would be heaven. It was their first time waking up together. Reality would be so much better than dreams.

  Yeah, any second now, Neo would come back from the bathroom, and Phil would snuggle up to him. They’d have another round of sex.

  After several more seconds of lying there without Neo coming back to bed, he listened.

  No sounds. No footsteps. No water running. Unless Neo was being still as the grave, Phil didn’t hear him.

  He frowned. He should hear something. No one could be this quiet, and Neo surely wasn’t this quiet.

  He’d thought they were past the point of Neo doing to Phil what had been done to him. But what if Neo had left him the way Phil had left him all those years ago?

  In his place?

  No, Neo had to be there somewhere. Neo wouldn’t leave him alone in his apartment.

  His erection deflated, Phil slid to his feet and stalked to the bathroom. No Neo. He went to the kitchen. No Neo. To the living room. No Neo.

  Neo wasn’t to be found anywhere in the apartment.

  Phil closed his eyes and leaned against the doorjamb between the kitchen and the living room.

  Dammit.

  He closed his eyes for a second before trudging back toward his clothes and Neo’s room. No sense giving the neighbors any more of a show.

  A scrap of paper caught his eye on the floor. It was a notepad page. Must have come off the counter.

  Phil picked it up and scrutinized it.

  Phil,

  Needed to get out for a bit and think. Don’t know what I’m feeling, and I need to be sure. I’ll be in touch later. Stay as long as you need to. I’m not running away. Just need some time to myself.

  Neo

  At least it wasn’t payback. So Neo said.

  Phil rubbed his face. Neo was trying to figure out how he felt. That was good. Phil hadn’t meant to say the words “I love you.” They’d spilled out, but he wasn’t exactly sorry either. They were true words.

  Would Neo be in touch? Phil would be on pins and needles until he was. Neo would make a decision about them and stick to it because that was the type of guy he was. What would that decision be?

  The doorbell rang.

  Phil froze like a rabbit in the lights of a semitruck. This wasn’t good. He was naked in Neo’s apartment without Neo. The nakedness alone would be hard to explain. The absence of Neo even harder.

  Yes, Officer, I always burglarize naked.

  It rang again.

  Calm down. They must not have a key, or they’d be using it to get in. That was one saving grace.

  Until he heard a key in the lock and the tumblers giving way.

  Oh shit.

  He ran for the bedroom and closed the door behind him, locking it. He threw on his clothes as quickly and as quietly as he could. He tried to slow down his breathing. Would the person hear it? Should he lock the door to Neo’s bedroom, or would they hear that too? Dammit.

  Who the hell would have a key to Neo’s place? Old boyfriend? New boyfriend? Stalker?

  “Neo?” an older voice called. “Neo, ya here, boy? It’s Gideon. I’m here to fix the sink in the kitchen.” There was quiet. Then a mutter. “Must not be in. Boy keeps some odd hours.”

  Landlord.

  Which effectively trapped Phil there until the man was done. He didn’t want to reveal anything to this man that Neo hadn’t. Which also meant being insanely quiet. Staying in the same cramped position. And shutting his phone off. Even vibrate might alert the old man that he wasn’t alone.

  It seemed like days, but it was only a couple of hours before he heard the front door close behind him.

  Phew.

  He hadn’t gotten caught. He didn’t know how much Neo’s other friends or acquaintances knew about his proclivities, much less the owner of the place where Neo lived. The last thing Phil wanted to do was clue them in. Neo had enough reasons to resent Phil. He didn’t want to add to
them. After last night, maybe Neo was finally getting over what had happened in the past, and Phil didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize that.

  He waited a moment or two before leaving the bedroom. Looked all around the house to make sure there was no one else there. Which was stupid, because the instant he’d stepped from the bedroom, they’d have seen him.

  Phil crept to the door. He was ready to get out of Neo’s apartment. He looked out the front window to see if Gideon was still there. Not that he’d recognize him. He’d only heard his voice, after all. There was an elderly man talking in earnest, who seemed to fit the sound of the voice. They were the only two people on the street, so one of them had to be Gideon, and it wasn’t the other person, that was for sure.

  The older man was talking to a familiar-looking woman.

  The other person made Phil say, “Huh?” He stared out the window, puzzled by who he saw talking to the man who was probably Gideon.

  His brother’s wife was talking with her hands and motioning to the older gentleman. Her peroxide-blonde hair swung in the air as she gestured. Her face was obscured by dark sunglasses, but it was her. What was she doing there? And talking to Neo’s landlord? There were no scenarios to explain this, except that maybe this had nothing to do with Phil at all. Why would it? No one knew that he and Neo were going out again. Hell, they hadn’t known about Neo the last time. Well, his brother had. But no one else.

  This day was a strange one already. What was one more thing?

  He waited until Roberta dashed to her little sports car and got in. Gideon moseyed to his old beat-up pickup and drove away.

  What was that about? And how did he ask his sister-in-law without revealing where he’d been the whole time?

  * * * *

  Neo parked his car and scanned for Phil’s. It was gone from the space where it had been parked, and he didn’t see it anywhere down the block.

  He breathed a long sigh.

  Good.

  He wasn’t ready to see Phil yet. He needed to get his shit together first and figure out what he’d say to the other man.