Finn (Kennedy Ink.)

by Jenny Wood

  “Hope everything is alright with him,” I comment because he said he had to check on him. I haven’t seen or heard from my mom and dad since my sister’s funeral. I doubt I would, either. They mentioned trying to fight me to get custody of Lennon, but since her will was air-tight and she specifically named me; there wasn’t anything they could do to take her from me. I would’ve never stopped fighting, had they tried. No way would I leave Lennon to those unfeeling assholes. My girl was going to be whoever she wanted to be, dress how she wanted to dress and live as free as she wanted. I couldn’t wait to see it happen. I hadn’t noticed Jay’s shoulders slump, but I took notice of his long sigh. He looked at that moment like he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.

  “He’s dying. I came here because he’s dying.” He blurted and then looked horrified. “I am so sorry; I don’t know why I said that.” He shook his head in admonishment.

  “It’s okay. I’m sorry to hear that.” I reached across the table and squeezed his arm, just slightly. “That’s got to be rough.” He scoffed at my understatement. “Do you have anyone helping you out with that?”

  “My grandma.” He smiles, and I can’t help smiling back, thinking of the older lady in the pictures. She’d be a big help, I’m sure. She looked hysterical.

  “You should have my number, from where I called you last night. If you ever feel like talking, about anything at all, or nothing. Please don’t hesitate. I’d like to do this again, whether it just be friendly or something else. But, please use that number any time you need it, okay?” I offered and meant it, wholeheartedly. He nodded and thanked me. When Tiffany brought our bill, I grabbed it just as Jay was offering. He watched me slide my card in there and started to take out his wallet.

  “I asked, it’s on me,” I tell him and watch as he gets ready to argue. “You can do next time, yeah?” He deflates and leaves a hefty tip at our once flirty but otherwise very helpful waitress.

  “Next time, then.” He agrees, and we stand and thank Tiffany on our way out. I walk him to his car, which is a nice little compact car that I most definitely thought suited him perfectly. He beeped it unlocked and turned to me before getting in.

  “I had a really nice time, thank you for lunch. I think it’ll hold me over through dinner, but it was delicious.” He smiled, tilting his head back to look at me. Being this close to his eyes, I couldn’t believe the color they were; I’d never seen anything like it on a human. On a dog, maybe; a husky, but never on a person.

  “Do you wear contacts?” I asked, blurting out my sudden thought. He jerked his head back in surprise but shook his head, no. “I’ve never seen eyes like yours; they’re really somethin’ else.” I murmured, shuffling myself just a bit closer to him.

  “They’re weird.” He whispered, eyes flickering from my eyes to my mouth. I watch his tongue dart out and swipe his bottom lip, and it took every ounce of my control not to bury him against my body and taste him.

  “Not weird at all, beautiful really.” I continue, “Was this a date, you think?” I needed to know before I did something stupid like lick his tonsils.

  “I was hoping so.” He blushed, but didn’t look away. I could see his throat working hard to swallow around whatever lump was in his throat. Lust or nervousness, I didn’t care. I wanted to taste it.

  “I’ve got to be honest, I’m trying really hard to be a gentleman and let you get into your car and go visit your dad; but I wasn’t prepared for those eyes, this close, and every time you lick that bottom lip, I want to bite it.” I’m surprised at my almost growl. I’m not usually this aggressive, not this early in the game at least. I truly am surprised at how sudden my need for him came about. Color me even more surprised when he stood up on his tip-toes and grabbed a handful of my beard and pulled me down to his lips. Never in my life has someone done that to me before. I wrapped my arms around his body and pulled him against my chest and kissed him like I’d been dying to since the first time I saw him.

  He tasted of the mint that we grabbed on the way out, and I still had mine in my mouth, tucked back in my cheek so I could adequately, feverishly, kiss him. He had both hands in my beard, pulling and stroking it as he kissed me back just has hard. I reluctantly pulled back, not wanting to get too carried away in this parking lot of this nice, family restaurant. I rested my forehead against his as I set his feet back on the ground, but didn’t step away. We breathed each other in, breathing heavily; him with his eyes closed and me, wishing he’d open them so I could see them again before I left.

  “Okay,” I croaked, causing him to open his eyes and look up at me. “I don’t want you to just call me if you need someone to talk to; I want you to call me anyway, just cause,” I tell him, causing him to smile again.

  “Okay.” He whispers, and it sounds like the sweetest promise.

  “I get Lennon at five-thirty, and I’ll be home shortly after that,” I tell him, and he nods.

  “K, drive safe.” I lean in and kiss him one more time, regretfully shorter than the one before. I watched him flush as he nervously waved on his way out. He was adorable.

  Jay

  Dad was sitting up in his bed, joking with the pretty evening nurse that I’d seen most of the other times I’d visited this late in the evening. I normally was a little bit earlier than this, but I was enjoying Finn’s company too much to leave.

  “Jay’s here.” He says affectionately, and it still trips me up when I hear it. I take the seat on the opposite side of the bed than where all his machines are hooked up. That way I’m not in the way when the nurse comes by to check things like she seems to do every half hour or so.

  “How’re you feeling today, Dad?” I ask, noticing the whites of his eyes are noticeably more yellow today, and his skin is paler than normal.

  “It seems I’ve got a little infection, nothing to write home about, but it interrupted my dialysis for the day, so I haven’t done it yet. I’m waiting on the machine to come up, now.” He tells me. I look to the nurse for confirmation, but she only smiles. It’s not an encouraging smile, but a smile nonetheless.

  “You’re later than usual; I’m happy to have gotten a chance to see you.” He smiles sadly, knowing that I try to come while he’s asleep, so I don’t have to talk. I’m selfish, I know, but I’m just not ready for all this.

  “I had a lunch date that ran long.” My foolish mouth runs away with itself. Part of me is glad that I mentioned it because I’m curious to see if he’ll ask and if he does if he’ll be pissed that it was with a guy. I don’t expect him to get up off his bed and waylay me as he might’ve before, but I wonder if the ugly words will take its place.

  “Ooooh, you hear that, Jerry? He had a date.” The nurse teases, winking at my obvious nervousness.

  “I’m not surprised; he’s always been a looker.” Dad smiled and looked as if he meant it. It was a total mind fuck, and this was why I didn’t like coming when he was awake. Imagine the monsters of your nightmares started showing up in regular dreams; not being scary or trying to hurt you, but just regular things. Wouldn’t you wonder when it was going to stop deceiving you and pop back into the monster you knew it to be? That’s what it was like for me.

  “He sure is, those eyes are mesmerizing.” She comments, taking the machine that was just brought in by another nurse who was in and out just as quickly.

  “He got those from his Mama, never saw a prettier set than his Mama’s, but his are darn close.” He tells her. It sends an ache through my chest to hear him talk about her because I never was allowed. Other than the black and white picture I found of her in an old jewelry box, that I’d long since lost; I’d not seen another picture of her until I went to live with Grandma. She had them by the dozens. Most of them from when she was younger, but there were several filtered through from just before she passed. Even a couple with her and me that I cherished more any other possession. I did have her eyes, but mine were a bit brighter; hers were indeed more gorgeous though. They shone with pure joy, especi
ally the ones where she was holding me as a baby. My dad also looked over the moon in the ones grandma had of him, but, I suspect he was happy because my Mama was.

  “Lucky you, then.” The nurse says, patting him on his arm and leaving us alone.

  “Yeah.” He whispers, knowing for both of us that, that wasn’t the case. He never found anything lucky again after losing my mama, and he proved it every day I was with him.

  “You look different, today. Happy.” Dad smiles at me, looking pleased with that fact.

  “I am,” I answer honestly. “It’s been a good day.”

  “I’m glad. You need to hold on to those good days, appreciate em’.” He tells me. It’s good advice, but I don’t tell him so. I should, but half the time, my mouth just doesn’t want to say the things that it should.

  “I really appreciate you coming by to see me. Every time that you do. I know it’s got to be hard on you.” He says softly, eyes only for me.

  “Some days aren’t easy,” I say the most honest I’ve been since I’ve been coming. “It’s hard to see ya like this.”

  “I can imagine so, son.” He says, my skin bristling at the term. “I imagine it’s hard seeing me at all.”

  “That too.” I croak around the lump in my throat. We’re getting too close, too deep into things and I’m not ready for that. I clear my throat and attempt to change the subject.

  “Grandma sends her best.” I try.

  “Tell her thank you for me, would ya?” He asks, looking deflated.

  “Yeah, sure.” It’s all I’ve got, and then I find myself feeling guilty all over again.

  “Is there anything you want me to bring you tomorrow? Your doctor said you could have candy or if you’ve got a favorite chip or snack you’d like. I can bring you some books or something?” I ask for something to do. Maybe if I made things a little easier on him, it wouldn’t kill me so bad to be so shut off from him. I know he’s trying. I know that. I’m trying too.

  “Red licorice.” He smiles great big. “Do they still make that?”

  “I’m sure they do. I can find some.” I smile back, glad to have a task.

  “Your Mama used to get me some, every anniversary.” He says, getting a faraway look in his eye as if remembering a specific day. The day we got married, she’d been so nervous, chewing on those things from the time she woke up until right before she walked down the aisle. She said it calmed her nerves for something to chew on. Silly woman. Her tongue and teeth were all red in our wedding pictures, and when I kissed her, it was all I tasted, that sweet candy. I think it’d be too much to hope for that wherever I go when I leave here, that she’d been waiting for me. I know I disappointed her and she was probably cursing me a blue streak from heaven. That’ll probably be my penance, an eternity without her. So, I reckon I can ask you to bring me some, maybe have a taste of that memory before I go.” He says, breaking my fucking heart.

  “Yeah, I can do that for ya, Dad. I can do that.” I whisper, not caring about the wet streaking my cheeks as he slips into a comfortable sleep; machine buzzing quietly beside him. I sit with him for almost an hour before I grab his hand just briefly before walking away and finding the nurse that we’re so familiar with.

  “Hey darlin’, you headin’ out?” She asks with her thick, Georgian accent.

  “I am, he’s been asleep a while. Will you tell him I’ll be back tomorrow, please?” I ask her, hoping that she’ll tell him for me, so he’ll know.

  “I sure will honey. He knows when you come though, he talks about it all day long, his boy coming to see him.” She tells me with a bright smile, not knowing how badly that kills me to hear. I nod my thank you and hurry to my car. The last thing I want to do is go home to my empty apartment and sit alone, so I punch into my GPS, the nearest lake and drive the thirteen minutes out in the country, to a small lake. I grab my phone and call grandma before getting out, but I only get the machine. I leave a message and tell her I’ll call her tomorrow before getting out and taking a seat on a small pier, overlooking this small but beautiful lake.

  I think back on my life before I moved in with my grandma and tried and tried to call up a memory of my mama. I wished I could hear her voice or have just one memory to have with me when I needed her. Grandma was great, don’t get me wrong. I loved her with all of my heart, but I wanted my mama. What boy didn’t when he was hurting or confused?

  I thought back over my lunch with Finn and how much fun it was, even the nerves and the butterflies. It was nice to feel something other than shame and guilt and confusion. And that kiss, that kiss was perfect. I tried not to maul him, but sinking my fingers into that big beard was almost my undoing. I never felt my body tremble from a kiss; not that I’d kissed that many people, but my fair share, for sure.

  He was funny and engaging; sweet, sincere and unyieldingly polite, especially when our waitress tried to pick him up. I already knew he was a wonderful father and he seemed to have good choices in friends, that said a lot about a person, right there. I’d known from the Kennedy’s, how loyal they all were and I’d seen first-hand how if you were up against one, you were up against them all. I hated myself for even thinking that I might come in between that if I started something with Finn. I wanted to so badly though, start something with him, I mean. Not come between him and his friends. I wondered when in my life, I was allowed something good.

  I must’ve sat here longer than I’d meant to because when my phone beeped from my front shirt pocket, I noticed that it was almost dark out. I’d been so in my head; I hadn’t noticed the sun setting behind the trees that surrounded me. I tried to get up but my ass was asleep, so I stiffly maneuvered my way up and walked slowly back to my car. I had a text from Finn. I’d added his name to his number last night, wishful thinking on my part that he might call back, and low and behold, I had a text from him now. I warred with myself the whole way home about checking it. Part of me wanted to just delete it before opening it, just because I knew I was a bad bet. Nothing good could come from Finn and me, and I wasn’t even sure I belonged here. I didn’t know where I belonged at all, actually. Michigan never felt like home, but it felt like more of a home than Madison. Now, I was on my own and truly on my own for the first time. I was learning what it was like to be an adult with adult responsibilities without my backup net.

  Don’t get me wrong; I felt like I grew up years ago. I knew who I was as a person and I knew what I wanted in life; I just didn’t know where it was supposed to be. I knew what I wanted; a stable home, and a family. I wanted kids one day, so I could show them the love a parent is supposed to give their babies. Like Finn, he’s a perfect example.

  The drive to my apartment seemed to take forever, but maybe I just drove slow. I wasn’t in any hurry to be back there. I stopped by the grocery store on my way and found myself in front of bags and bags of differently flavored licorice. I grabbed five bags of the red ones and opened one in the car. I know that Dad had a different reason for wanting them, but I thought maybe if I had one, it might spark a memory or just make me feel closer to my mama. It didn’t. It was good though.

  I showered and got my comfortable sleep clothes on and grabbed myself a bottle of water and some chips out of the pantry. I wasn’t at all hungry after such a big lunch, but a snack sounded nice. I plugged up my phone by the couch and remembered I had a text from Finn. I sat down and stared at the name before opening it; worried what it might say.

  Finn: Thank you for going to lunch with me. I hope your night went okay with your dad. X

  An “x” at the end. Didn’t that signify a kiss, or was it a hug? I’m pretty sure it was a kiss. Now I was thinking about that kiss again; that kiss and that beard. I wondered what him and Lennon were doing. Taking a glance at my clock and realizing it was almost nine, I was betting they were getting ready for bed. I wanted to call him, hear his deep voice and ask him to distract me from life and the shitty way it kept fucking me.

  Me: I enjoyed lunch, thank you again. Been kind of a shit
evening, I probably won’t be much fun to talk to tonight. Rain check for tomorrow?

  I’d carefully constructed that text several times before sending. I didn’t want to seem too pathetic, but, I just wasn’t in the mood to be flirty. I had a lot on my mind, and most of it was shit. The stuff with my dad was front and center, and I couldn’t put everything in the certain places in my mind where I’d had them. Like the “before” and “after” that was so fucking different from each other, I didn’t know how they were the same person. I couldn’t fathom how someone could change like that.

  I turned on the TV, hoping for some kind of distraction while I snacked on my chips. I decide around ten, to call it a night. I have an early shift in the morning, thankfully going back to day shift. I clean up my mess and wash my face and brush my teeth. I jump on social media and send grandma a couple cute meme’s and a short message, letting her know that I”ll check in tomorrow. I scroll down my wall and find a quoted picture that says “Sometimes you don’t know the power of a moment until it becomes a memory” and post it to mine. How true that is.

  Shutting down the house and locking up, I grab my phone and charger and take it to my bedroom and make sure my alarm is set for six-thirty. It’s only a little bit after ten, but I’m so mentally exhausted, I feel like I could fall asleep now and sleep for a week. Before I can fully doze, my phone ringing jerks me from that in-between stage, scaring me half to death.

  “Hello?” I mumble sleepily without looking at the screen. It was too bright.

  “Did I wake you?” The deep rumble had my eyes flying open in surprise. It was Finn.

  “No, I’m awake, was just dozing,” I said, more awake.

  “I can let you go, try again tomorrow?” He asks, his voice is so deep and quiet. Now that I had him on the phone, I couldn’t imagine why I wouldn’t have begged him to call, instead of making an excuse on why I didn’t want him to.

  “No, no. It’s fine. How’s Lennon? She asleep?” I ask, curious how she’s feeling now that the antibiotics have had time to work their way through her little body.