The Pirates!
Page 10
With a loud and slightly obscene groan, the beast started to slide back into the water. The Pirate Captain realised that his only chance now was to try and scale the fish’s face and leap across the dock. He scrambled desperately against its rubbery flesh, hauling himself up inch by inch, but just as he was scrabbling for a handhold on the whale’s furrowed brow, his shiny pirate boot skated across its skin and let out a horrendous squeak. It was a lot like when someone does that trick of scraping their nails down a blackboard. The Pirate Captain’s sensitive teeth were so set on edge by this that he clamped his hands to his ears, and in the process dropped his Prize Ham. It bounced away down the whale’s back.
‘Hell’s bells!’ exclaimed the Pirate Captain, sprinting along the top of the whale in pursuit. For one moment he thought he had it, but the ham flipped through the air and, with a sudden sucking sound, bounced straight into the whale’s blowhole. The Captain knelt down and desperately tried to wiggle it free, but the thing was stuck fast.
‘Come on, Pirate Captain!’ cheered the watching pirates. ‘This is no time for a snack. Give that whale a smack!’
As the Pirate Captain strained at the ham, the whale began to spasm and buck about in the water. Its tail thrashed wildly up and down. Its flippers windmilled in the air uselessly. Then an ear-splitting moan erupted from its mouth and the whale rolled from the sinking boat onto the dock, shuddering one last terrible death spasm before lying still on the cobbles.
The Pirate Captain slid down its cheek and landed in front of the crowd of pirates and onlookers. They all started clapping, so he did a little bow.
‘That was brilliant!’ said the pirate with a scarf.
‘You’ve killed the white whale!’ exclaimed Ahab.
‘How did you know what to do, Captain?’ said the albino pirate.
‘Aaarrrr,’ said the Captain, emptying some seawater from his hat. ‘Well. As I may have pointed out before, I’m not a complete idiot, you know.’
The crowd all looked at him expectantly. The Pirate Captain thought for a bit and then put on an authoritative tone of voice. ‘Any seafaring type knows that the blowhole of the whale is essential for expelling whale wee. It was clear to me that if I could block the blowhole, the whale’s bladder would swell up and explode.’
‘And the way you made it look like you were really quite hapless whilst you were doing it,’ said Cutlass Liz, with a playful slap of his shoulder, ‘so that the whale wouldn’t cotton on to your clever plan. Genius, Captain.’
‘That was the beast who ate my leg,’ said Ahab, pointing to the dead whale.
‘Arrrr. This probably looks bad,’ said the Captain apologetically, ‘but I can explain.’
Ahab wasn’t listening. ‘I am afraid, Pirate Captain, that you have been had. This creature,’ and he pointed at the pirates’ fake whale, ‘has been masquerading as the real villain, even though he is innocent of the crime.’
Ahab turned to the pirate/whale.
‘I can only guess at what motivations led you to try and take the blame for that brute’s actions, but it was a noble thing to do. Misguided though you were, I think that shows real strength of character. It may be that I have misjudged you whales after all.’ And for the first time that any of the pirates had witnessed, Ahab cracked a smile. He patted the whale on the side of its gigantic face.
‘In fact,’ he continued, ‘I’d like it very much if you’d be a guest at my home. I’m a famous curmudgeon, but underneath it all I’m really quite lonely, and it would be nice to have some company about the place.’
‘Um. All right then,’ said the pirate/whale.
Everybody cheered this happy outcome, and something of a carnival atmosphere broke out amongst the pirates. Ahab turned back to the Pirate Captain. He handed him a bulging bag of doubloons. ‘Your reward, sir. You’ve earned it.’
The Pirate Captain looked at the doubloons wistfully for a moment, and then threw them over to Cutlass Liz. He watched the last bit of the Lovely Emma sink beneath the waves and heaved a forlorn sigh.
‘Don’t look so upset, Pirate Captain!’ said Cutlass Liz, putting a consoling arm around his shoulder. ‘You can always buy a new boat.’
The Pirate Captain shook his head. ‘I haven’t got so much as two pieces of eight to rub together.’
‘You must have something?’ said Cutlass Liz encouragingly.
‘The ultimate treasure?’
‘Is that one of those richer-in-spirit things about wet butterflies?’
‘Something along those lines.’
‘Not really my thing, I’m afraid. Come on, what’s in those voluminous pockets of yours?’
The Pirate Captain emptied his pockets onto the top of a barrel. ‘I’ve got a chocolate groat with fluff on it, a “one child gets in free” voucher to see the lunatics at Bedlam, some seaweed, and an apple core. What kind of a boat can I get with that?’
‘I think I’ve got just the thing,’ said Cutlass Liz with a grin.
Fourteen
She Laughed Her Way to Murder!
Later that night, back in the familiar if ramshackle surroundings of their old pirate boat, the pirates were all lying on deck looking at the stars.
‘That constellation looks just like a tiny-headed horse who’s swallowed a huge rectangle,’ said the pirate in green.
‘Rubbish. It looks like a beautiful mermaid lady,’ said the sassy pirate.
‘Oh, you think everything looks like a beautiful mermaid lady,’ said the pirate with a scarf. The Pirate Captain stepped onto the deck wearing his dressing-gown and smoking a post-adventure cigar.
‘Up late, lads,’ he said, blowing a relaxed smoke ring. ‘Don’t forget – even us pirates need our beauty sleep.’
‘Sorry, Captain. We were just discussing what that constellation looks like.’ The pirate in green pointed at where they were looking. The Pirate Captain craned his neck and looked up.
‘It looks just like my Prize Ham,’ he said, a little sadly. The pirates all nodded in agreement.
‘Sometimes I think there’s nothing a good piece of ham can’t do,’ said the pirate with a scarf. ‘The way that she bounced straight into the whale’s blowhole. It was almost as if she were deliberately trying to sacrifice herself for you.’
‘You mean like Baby Jesus?’ asked the albino pirate, wide-eyed.
‘I suppose so,’ said the pirate with a scarf thoughtfully.
‘Except Baby Jesus never had a delicious honey-roast glaze, did he? So in many ways my ham was a lot better than Baby Jesus ever was,’ pointed out the Pirate Captain. He took off his pirate hat and lay down next to his crew.
‘It’s good to have the old boat back,’ he said. ‘I don’t know why I ever let you lot talk me into getting a different one.’
‘I’m glad there were too many barnacles on her for Cutlass Liz to chop her into firewood.’
‘Good old barnacles.’
‘I miss the Lovely Emma’s swimming pool though,’ said the sassy pirate.
‘And her panoramic views,’ added the pirate in green.
‘But I think we learnt a lot on this adventure, Pirate Captain,’ said the scarf-wearing pirate, ‘so it hasn’t been a dead loss.’
‘You’re right,’ said the Pirate Captain, closing his eyes and listening to the quiet rumble of the ocean. ‘We learnt that getting into debt is not a matter to be taken lightly.’
‘Also, we learnt that making an extravagant gesture to impress a girl is pretty stupid,’ said the albino pirate.
‘We tend to “learn” that on most adventures,’ said the pirate with rickets.
‘And most importantly of all we learnt the grass might look greener in showbusiness or whaling or something like that. But that when it comes down to it, you’re often better off sticking with what you know,’ said the pirate with a scarf.
‘So long as what you know is kicking about the High Seas being a pirate, that is.’
‘Oh yes, the lesson wouldn’t apply if you had a regula
r job. In fact, anybody that did would be strongly advised to give it up right now and become a pirate themselves.’
With that the pirates went downstairs to do some shantying. And they were soon enjoying themselves so much that they barely even noticed when the pirate boat’s mast fell down again.
* * * * *
Learn More About
Debt
Like the Pirate Captain, more people than ever are getting into serious debt, with the accompanying risks of depression, worry and not being able to buy things that you want.
• If you’re desperate about debt, call the National Debtline free on 0808 808 4000.
• The snappily titled Consumer Credit Counselling Service (www.cccs.co.uk) will help turn that debt frown upside-down by talking about budgeting and that.
Remember – no matter how bad things seem, there’s always a way out. Just look at the Pirate Captain – a whale attacked his boat and he was fine in the end!
Whale Conservation
The pirates’ adventure was set in the olden days, when it was all right to go whaling. But nowadays things are different – there are thought to be around 570,000 sperm whales left in the sea, down from 2,000,000 in the 1940s. If you’re concerned about whales (sperm or otherwise), you can help make a difference:
• Join the Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society (www.wdcs.org). You’ll get a whale-tail sticker!
• If you see a stranded whale, call the British Divers Marine Life Rescue on 01825 765 546. If they’re not in, try the RSPCA (08705 555 999) or Environment Agency (0800 807 060). Don’t throw stuff at the stranded whale.
• Try to restrict your consumption of whale meat and ambergris to special occasions.
Nantucket
The pirates didn’t get much of a chance to explore the historic town of Nantucket, but there’s nothing to stop you from finding out more!
• The Nantucket Island Chamber of Commerce have loads of information about visiting the island, along with a low-resolution map and live weather updates. They also publish the official 288-page guidebook.
• The mission of the Nantucket Historical Association (www.nha.org) is to preserve the island’s unique history and tell people about it. Pop to their website and have fun finding out more.
• Nantucket is also famous for its cranberry bogs. Why not pour yourself a cool glass of cranberry juice and sip it while thinking about harpoons?
Acknowledgements
Thanks to:
Rob Adey, Chloe Brown, Cilla McIntosh, Rodney Brown, Sam Brown, Matt Evans, Helen Garnons-Williams, Fiona Hankey, Yvonne Kee, David Murkin, Rebecca Murkin, Claire Paterson and Brigid Way.
Don’t forget to check out these other great titles in ‘The Pirates!’ series:
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Rasputin
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Americans
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Ice Cream
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Railroads
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Green Ghost
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Village of Fear
The Pirates! In An Adventure In Tir Na Nog
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Pigs
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Golems
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Rabbis
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Rabbits
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Mondays
The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective Pirates
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Eskimos
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Cannibals
Watch Yourself, Pirate Captain!
The Pirates Get Sexy
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Space Pirates
Back To Pirate Academy, Pirate Captain!
Back To Pirate Academy 2, Pirate Captain!
Back To Pirate Academy 3, Pirate Captain!
Back To Pirate Academy 4, Pirate Captain!
Back To Pirate Academy 5, Pirate Captain!
Back To Pirate Academy 6, Pirate Captain!
Back To Pirate Academy 7, Pirate Captain!
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Murder
The Pirates! On Holiday
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Stock Market
Pirate Captain and Son
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Lingerie
The Pirates Ride Out
The Pirates Go Ape
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Your Mother
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Freemasons
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Puppets
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Automatons
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Prussians
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Heavy Petting
I, Pirate Captain
The Pirates Go Fruit Picking
The Pirates! In An Adventure With A Very Windy Day
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Football
The Pirates and the Blacksmith’s Daughter
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Gypsies
Ring A Ring Of Pirates
Half A Pound Of Tupenny Rice, Half A Pound Of Pirates
The Pirates! In An Adventure With The Thieves Of Time
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Haute Couture
The Pirates! In Two Hours ’Til Doomsday
Pirates Down the Rhine
The Pirates Make A Midnight Escape
The Ballad Of the Pirate Captain
The Pirates! In An Adventure With A Secret
A Stitch In Time Saves Pirates
The Pirates Have Egyptian Capers
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Triads
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Pope
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Spring-Heel Jack
The Pirates’ Underwater Adventure
The Pirates and the Citadel Of Chaos
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the G.O.P.
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Tunnels
The Pirates Holiday Special
The Pirate Treasury
The Pirates! In An Adventure With A Mysterious Gas
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Spectral Hands
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Mongol Hordes
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Spiders
Think Fast, Pirate Captain!
Black Bellamy Rides Again
Pirate vs. Pirate
The Pirates! In Mayhem Cove
The Pirates! In An Adventure With A Steep Hill
The Pirates Play Dead
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Nuts
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Wasps
You Can Do It, Pirate Captain!
The Pirates’ Super T-shirts
The Pirates Sleep With the Lights On
The Pirates On Halloween
The Pirates Making It
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Political Supremacy Of the Bourgeoisie
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Risk Management
The Pirates! Commit A Series Of Horrific Atrocities
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Geordies Pirate Fever!
The Pirates and the Edge Of Reason
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Public Sanitation
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Chess
The Pirates Strut Their Stuff
The Pirates! In An Adventure With An Ant
The Pirates! In An Adventure With A Harlequin
The Pirates! In An Adventure With A Damp Smell
The Pirates: Going Straight
The Pirates Embrace Diversity
P.I.R.A.T.E.
The Pirates Justify Themselves
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Gigolos
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Femmes Fatales
Jet Set Pirates!
The Moon’s A Doubloon
The Pirates! In A Worker’s Utopia
&
nbsp; The Pirates! In An Adventure With Eugenics
Quite So, Pirate Captain
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Alamo
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Rita, Sue & Bob Too
The Pirates! In An Adventure Down Mexico Way
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Special Olympics
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Catastrophe Theory
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Slum Landlords
Konichiwa, Pirate Captain!
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Difference Engines
Bladderwrack!
The Cutlass and the Rose
The Pirates’ Rainy Day Indoors
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Spies
Stone The Crows, Pirate Captain!
The Pirates Are Killing Music
Black Bellamy’s Gambit
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Smugglers
The Pirates! Learn German In Five Easy Lessons
The Pirates! Shoot Horses With Cannons
This Little Pirate Went To Market
The Pirates! Run Amok
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Jungle Of Destiny
The Pirates! Fanny About On A Yacht
The Pirates! Remember the Olden Days
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Jorvik Centre
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Spelling Bee
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Disguises & Make-up
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Ponies & Riding
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Bikes
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Jennifer Garner
The Pirates! In An Adventure With The Goonies
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Foot & Mouth
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Lubbock Lake Landmark
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Maths & Numbers
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Lola Montez
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Kretzmer Syndrome
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Honey Trap
The Pirates! In An Adventure With the Girls From Café Noir
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Skeletons