Tom, pale in death with long strands of seaweed trailing from his body stood before him, eyes filled with sadness. Ivy’s face, distorted in fury appeared next, spewing her hatred of Catherine like spears that jabbed him in the heart until he cried out in pain. A solemn Catherine, stood bravely, with her chin held high, and shook her head at Ivy while she continued to clutch little Tommy to her breast.
Although his body was slick with sweat, his insides felt chilled to the bone by the time he managed to claw his way to wakefulness. Yanking the covers aside, he shot up in bed fighting to draw air into his tortured lungs. He reached a trembling hand over and snapped on the bedside lamp causing a modest pool of light to shine into the room.
His throat ached for water, but he didn’t trust his legs to carry him. He swung them over the edge of the bed and pressed his feet to the floor needing to anchor himself to something solid. His fingers plowed through his hair. The nightmare had so unnerved him that he couldn’t help feeling empathy for what Catherine must go through when her night terrors involved people she cared about.
He usually dreamed about his time in the jungle and being pursued by Orlando. He never shared those nightmares with anyone because they made him feel like a coward, which was bad enough, but tonight’s episode filled him with a different kind of dread.
Despite what his mother said, he still clung to the hope of marrying Catherine. He knew she was having a problem with the idea, but he hoped she’d eventually accept his proposal. Now that goal seemed to be slipping away. Their relationship reminded him of an intricate mosaic pattern with its complicated blend of promises and love, misgivings and betrayals. Once again he was afraid he’d wasted too much time and energy longing for what he was never going to have.
His entire being rebelled at the thought of losing Catherine, but jealousy and insecurity was causing him to destroy their relationship. It seemed the more he wanted her, the more he drove her away. He couldn’t seem to get things right between them and his mother wasn’t helping matters any.
He’d been so sure their saga would finally have a happy ending when he’d followed Catherine home from Alaska, only to become embroiled in this latest dispute. The more he went over their most recent confrontation and the things his mother had told him, the more disillusioned he became. How could he ever hope to figure things out when he kept getting so many conflicting stories thrown at him?
Desperate to know the truth, he thought of swallowing his pride and calling Catherine, but knew she’d probably hang up given her present mood. The sound of her door closing had twisted his insides. There was something agonizingly final about the gesture and he knew there was no way he could leave things like this and keep his sanity.
If only he could talk to someone who knew the real story. It would certainly make things a lot easier if Tom was here to defend himself. He thought of Pricilla, but rejected the idea knowing she wouldn’t say anything to hurt Catherine.
He needed to find a person who knew the true facts; someone unbiased enough to be fair to everyone involved. Josh feared it was the only chance he had to try and stop the erosion of his future happiness before it slid away from him for good. But who would be able to tell him what really had happened while he’d been gone? Could there possibly be anyone out there with the answers to his questions?
Chapter Twenty
To say Ryan was surprised that Josh would be calling him was an understatement. But hearing the obvious turmoil in Josh’s voice made the physician in him feel compelled to offer whatever professional help he could. He knew enough from Catherine to guess that Josh had apparently experienced a difficult time during his stay in South America. Ryan also had to admit the personal side of him was curious to meet the man who had kept Catherine from accepting another man’s love. He invited Josh to come to his office.
“Come in, Mr. Dallas.” He held out his hand in greeting and Josh shook it after a split second of hesitation.
“I’m sure you’re very busy. I appreciate you taking the time to see me.”
He nodded and pointed to a chair.
“Have a seat.”
Josh sat down while Ryan perched on one corner of his desk, as each man quickly measured the other.
“You said you wanted to talk to me about Catherine,” Ryan prompted when Josh remained quiet.
“Yes. There are some things I . . .” He let out a long shuddering breath.
“Take your time.”
“Have you ever dug yourself into a hole so deep you’re not sure you’ll get out?”
“A time or two. Burrowed pretty far down, are you?”
Josh grimaced.
“I’m damn near halfway to China.”
“As bad as that? Not an enviable position.”
“I realize we don’t know each other, but I hope you’ll be upfront with me.” Josh inhaled. “I need to know what Catherine is to you. She says you’re just friends.”
Ryan crossed his arms over his chest.
“That’s right, but I’d be lying if I said that’s all I wanted from her. However, she never allowed what we had to go beyond friendship. So if you’re worried whether or not we slept together, we didn’t.”
Josh closed his eyes for a moment and opened them again, his face still twisted in anguish.
“I appreciate your candor, but I still have another hurdle to get over.” He raked a hand through his hair. “Did you ever meet my friend, Tom Wolden? His wife gave birth to a son in your hospital while I was away, but she was very ill and died soon after.”
Ryan uncrossed his arms.
“Yes, I remember them quite well. Their situation was one of those tragedies we sometimes have to deal with in my profession, but their particular case touched all of us in the hospital very deeply. Your friend sat by his wife’s bedside day after day refusing to leave her. It certainly took its toll on him. Catherine and her aunt suffered right along with him. You knew Mrs. Wolden was her cousin?”
“Yes.” He cleared his throat. “I thought maybe Tom and Catherine might have been, you know, comforting each other while I was away,” he mumbled and quickly looked down at his hands while deep color worked its way up his neck.
Ryan’s voice lost some of the earlier friendliness when he spoke. “If you mean in an inappropriate manner, then you’re doing them both a grave injustice.”
“I must sound like a first class jerk to you.”
“I don’t know you well enough to make such a judgment call, but I’m afraid your imagination is more vivid than the reality of what actually happened. It was a case of two good people being thrown together in extremely tragic circumstances. They took solace in their friendship, but never abused it.”
“You’re right, you don’t know me, and I’m beginning to think I don’t know myself. I used to be so sure of everything – cocky enough to think I could have it all. My life started to change when I met Catherine. I’d begun to think about marriage, but I wasn’t quite ready for the responsibility of a committed relationship, so I went away.”
“Is that when you decided to take the job in South America?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t sure if you knew about that. I thought I could take off and come back and pick up where I left off. But things haven’t gone the way I thought they were going to, and I can’t seem to get back on track.”
“Maybe you need to try a different path?”
“I don’t know what that would be. I keep wishing things could go back to the way they were before I left. My life was certainly a lot less complicated then.”
“We should all probably be careful of what we wish for. Maybe you were forced to grow up while you were away,” Ryan said with a bluntness only a stranger would dare.
Josh’s eyes flashed in anger, and he rubbed a hand across his chest.
“It wasn’t a very pleasant way to gain maturity, believe me.”
“It wasn’t my intention to play down what you must have gone through, but I’m sure you realize if you continue to dance through life you’re event
ually going to step on some toes and have others step on yours.”
“You’re right, my ego did need taming down, and Catherine made me take stock of where I was going with my life. I made all kinds of vows after I was rescued on how much I would appreciate her, but instead I’ve made a God awful mess of things.”
“Perhaps because you lost Catherine once you’re afraid of losing her again, so to protect yourself you continue to drive her away, even though you actually want her in your life. You might also consider the possibility that you feel guilty for leaving and that could make you think you don’t deserve her.”
He stared at Ryan with the look of someone who’d just been jolted into coming to his senses.
“I never thought of it like that. I love Catherine and I’m sick at the thought of losing her, but I’ve been acting like an idiot, hounding her with accusations and making outrageous demands. You’d think a thirty-four year old man would be able to do a better job of handling his personal life.” He rubbed his forehead. “Everything’s so tangled up inside me I don’t have faith in my feelings enough to do the right thing to keep her.”
“You can’t have love without trust.”
“You medicos are on the same page. That’s what Catherine said. I really screwed up when I accused her and Tom of being lovers. He was like a brother to me and I know in my heart he would never have done such a thing, but I threw it in her face not once, but twice. What kind of a person does that make me?” he asked in self-disgust.
“I’d say a foolish one as well as a man who lacks confidence. You went to South America and returned a different person. You and that man have to learn to get to know each other. Catherine fell in love with you the way you were, and she needs time to adjust to the change. There’s more to love than sex. The rest is different for each individual, but to have a truly meaningful relationship you have to want a person as much out of bed as you do when they’re in it. My advice is not to allow anyone or anything to come between you until you get the correct balance. You’ll know when you have everything right.”
He thought of Ivy. “What if it’s someone you’ve known and trusted all your life?”
“This is between you and Catherine. Love carries certain obligations and one of those responsibilities is that you have to believe in the other person as much as they believe in you. Love doesn’t guarantee we’ll always make the right decisions, but personally, I’d do whatever I had to do to keep a woman like Catherine in my life, even if it meant crawling on my hands and knees.”
“I’m not sure if she’ll be willing to give me another chance after the way I acted.”
“You won’t know until you try. We’re all hanging by a fragile thread most of the time, but you’d be surprised at how much strength can come from our weaknesses. Your life changed because of a series of dramatic events. You can’t alter the fact that they happened, but you can learn from them. It’s your call to try and make the right choice.”
“I’d say it’s about damn time I do.” He cleared his throat and shifted uneasily in the chair. “Um, I’d appreciate it if you’d let me tell Catherine about this visit.”
“Understood. She’s a good friend and I’d like her to be happy.”
“So would I.” Josh stood up and offered his hand with much more enthusiasm than he’d felt when he first arrived. “You’ve been a great help. Thank you, Dr. Wade.”
“Make it Ryan. Helping people is what I do. Go put things right with Catherine for both your sakes. Life can get to be lonely when you lose someone special.”
Remembering his mother saying that Ryan had been widowed, Josh felt compelled to say something.
“I know you lost your wife, Ryan. I’m very sorry. She was obviously a very lucky lady to have snared a guy like you.”
“I was the lucky one, but my luck ran out. Don’t let that happen to you, Josh.”
Deep in thought, Josh left the office and headed for his car. If he’d been more willing to believe Catherine, things would be a lot easier between them now. He could forgive himself given his emotional and mental state the first time he’d rejected her words, but there was no excuse for his latest accusation.
For some inexplicable reason his mother had crossed an ethical line using lies while she hoarded the truth. He couldn’t understand what had made her do such a thing, but her efforts to turn his mind against Catherine had nearly worked.
Josh felt revolted with himself remembering how he’d insulted Catherine using his mother’s trumped up story. Now he must see her to apologize, although he knew simply saying he was sorry wasn’t enough to make up for the way he’d treated her.
At least he hoped he’d have another opportunity to make things right and like Ryan, he didn’t care if forgiveness came with groveling. He intended to confront his mother about her duplicity, but right now he needed to make another phone call.
He picked up his cell phone.
“Mr. Marsh, this is Josh Dallas.”
“Josh! How are you, my boy?” he asked in a warm voice. “It’s been a long time.”
“Yes sir, it has. I’m well, thank you.”
“I’m so glad. When I last talked to your mother she said you’d had a breakdown.”
“I guess I did. Um, I was wondering if you’ve spoken to my mother since then.”
“No I haven’t. I did ask her to keep me informed, but she never called back. I thought of contacting her, but decided it was best not to intrude in the event there were complications with your recovery. Jenny will be so pleased when I tell her you’re well.”
Josh thought of the woman who looked so much like Marie that she’d jolted his brain into remembering everything he thought he’d lost.
“How is she?”
“A bit of a saint for putting up with me,” he chuckled. “I got her to marry me.”
“That’s wonderful news. Congratulations to you both.”
“Thank you. Now, how about you, did you ever marry your young lady?”
“No, but I still want to very much. Unfortunately we’ve had some setbacks.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, but take my advice and don’t waste time when you find that special someone or you might miss out.”
“I’m trying, but I’m confused about a few things. Did you call my parents after we parted at the airport to let them know I was coming home?”
“Why no. I thought you said you wanted to surprise your family.”
Josh barely managed to stop himself from blurting out a vicious string of cursing remembering how easily he’d been duped by his mother’s skillful lying. He pushed back the throb of temper that wanted to beat against his temples.
“So you weren’t in contact with my mother at that point?” he stressed, needing to be sure, but dreading the answer.
“Not then, no. But she did call me later wanting to know what had happened to you after the kidnapping. She said you were too distraught to communicate properly and thought if she knew the details she would have a better chance of helping you recover.”
“Did she happen to mention Catherine at any time during the conversation?”
He hesitated.
“Yes, as a matter of fact she did.”
“Do you mind if I ask what she said?” Several seconds of silence followed his request making his pulse hammer knowing the reply wouldn’t bring comfort. “I’m kind of lost here and I need some direction. Any help would be appreciated.” he prodded.
“I understand, but I don’t want to be the cause of any problems between you and your mother. It might be best to leave that part of the conversation alone, Josh.”
“It’s important that I know what she told you and you don’t need to gift wrap it.”
“Well, if you’re sure that’s what you really want.” But he still hesitated until once again Josh urged his cooperation.
“All right then,” he let out a breath. “Your mother insisted Catherine was the real cause of your breakdown and that it was up to her as your parent to pro
tect you from having to deal with her. I’m afraid my suggestion that she step back and allow you and Catherine to work things out on your own wasn’t received very well.”
“How do you know she felt that way?”
“Because she hung up on me after a few final blistering words to let me know what she thought of my advice.”
Josh’s fingers tightened on his phone recalling how his mother had looked at him with such pleading while she spun her tale of deceit like a spider creating its web. His gut burned with the disgust and anger churning inside him.
“I’m sorry she was so rude.”
“I admit I was shocked by her reaction, but considering your condition, she had a right to be upset. It couldn’t have been easy for her seeing you in such a state.”
“I was pretty out of it,” he agreed. “But she shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“Don’t worry about it. I hope I’ve helped you. You’re obviously experiencing some problems in communication and I certainly wouldn’t want to make things worse.”
“You haven’t. You’ve told me what I needed to know. Thank you for being honest with me.”
“Well, I certainly wish it could have been a happier conversation for you. I hope you can make things work out between you and your Catherine.”
“So do I. She’s means everything to me, but I have a feeling I’m going to be involved in quite a battle. I’ll let you know what happens.”
“I hope you will. And as to that battle, some things are worth fighting for.”
“Yeah, especially when you know it’s your one chance to win the war.”
Chapter Twenty-one
Priscilla watched from the doorway, as Catherine deftly folded another set of clothes for Tommy and laid them in the small suitcase lying open on his changing table. She grabbed several disposable diapers and began stuffing them into a diaper bag.
Catherine looked up.
“Did you get everything set up with Meg to use her condo?”
Dreams~Shadows of the Night Page 15
