She stretched and inhaled deeply. The morning sun was a bright yellow ball in the sky and felt good on her skin. She turned her face upward to catch the warm rays and closed her eyes. Her aunt’s gardening had produced a cornucopia of color and fragrances. Catherine opened her eyes when she heard the sound of bees busily humming nearby, as they flitted among the flowers.
She gradually grew tired of her own company and went inside again. Wondering what she could do to fill in the time, she decided it was a perfect opportunity to shop for her aunt’s birthday gift. She enjoyed the annual ritual, and the thought of getting out around people was suddenly very appealing, especially when visions of Josh kept intruding in her thoughts. Reenergized, she retrieved her purse from the bedroom, approving the sexy image peering back at her from the full-length mirror on the closet-door, and headed for her car.
Although there were several malls to choose from, she drove to the one closest to their house. She knew from past experience there were some shops there her aunt favored. As soon as she entered the shopping center she filled herself with the sights and sounds so unique to such a busy place.
She wove her way around people with pleasant memories guiding her steps directly to Pricilla’s favorite shopping area and the first store of choice. Although it carried some other types of merchandise, it specialized in music boxes. If there was anything her aunt enjoyed as much as flowers, it was her collection of music boxes; the more whimsical the better.
Catherine took her time strolling around the shop and doing her best to ignore the hovering saleswoman while she made her selection. It wasn’t easy. There were dozens to choose from, each one quite distinctive. She finally chose one she hoped would please.
Its dusty rose exterior was decorated with dozens of miniature flowers in various colors and topped with a smiling fairy. Catherine touched a fingertip to the delicate coil of blonde curls and the wispy looking wings. But it was the tiny creature’s mischievous smile that caught her attention.
The artist had painted the little mouth in such a way that the fairy seemed to be conveying the idea that whoever looked at her was in for a special treat. When she lifted the lid and heard the first notes of, “You Light Up My Life”, she knew this was the right one.
As soon as the box had been gift wrapped, she headed for a bath shop where she purchased a trio of lotion, bath spray, and soap in the raspberry scent her aunt preferred. From there she made her way to a candy store and added a brightly wrapped box of chocolates to her medley of gifts.
Catherine strolled back to her car feeling happy with her success. She toyed with the idea of having lunch at a little bistro near the mall, but decided instead to wait for another day when her aunt could join her. By the time she arrived home and carried the bags inside, she was in a better mood knowing her shopping trip had been a success.
She stashed the gifts in her bedroom closet and changed clothes before padding barefoot into the kitchen for something to eat. She’d just opened the refrigerator and was looking over her choices when she heard footsteps. She immediately let go of the door and felt her pulse leap when she saw Josh standing there watching her.
“Don’t you ever knock?” Her happy mood vanished in a flash.
“I did, but I guess you didn’t hear me. I hope you don’t mind that I let myself in.”
“As a matter of fact I do. You are no longer welcome to come and go here as you please; and if you came for the baby you’re too late.” She braced her body in a gesture of defiance. “I made my aunt take him away for a few days.”
“You didn’t have to do that. I’m not here for him and it was wrong of me to suggest such a thing. I’m sorry you felt they needed to leave. I didn’t come to cause trouble.”
“Unfortunately trouble seems to follow you around.”
She folded her arms over her chest.
“Just why are you here, Josh?”
He stepped forward, reached into his pocket, and set a small frog made from thick green glass on the counter next to her. She looked at it and let her arms fall to her sides.
“What in the world is that for?”
“I read somewhere that the Japanese believe the frog is a symbol of good luck for things like keeping travelers safe on their journeys.”
Instinctive compassion softened her expression for a moment. “It’s too bad you didn’t have it with you in South America.”
“Maybe I would have if I had known about it then, but now I’m about to embark on another, more important journey and I need all the help I can get.”
Disbelief turned her heart to stone.
“Some things never seem to change. You still think running away is the answer. So where are you off to this time?” she asked, not bothering to hide the bitterness she felt. “Outer space?”
He shoved his hands in his pockets.
“Not quite, although I’m sure that’s where you’d like to send me. I’m taking the uncertain road to my future, but there could be problems along the way because I’ve thrown up some formidable roadblocks.”
“Yes, as I said, you do seem to excel at that kind of thing.”
“I know. That’s why I need your help. I want to get it right this time.”
“What is it you want me to do, take you by the hand and lead you? You’d be better off getting yourself a good compass.” The sarcasm in her tone had deepened.
“I was hoping you’d walk beside me,” he said watching her with a steady gaze.
“I’m not in the guide business. You’d be better off recruiting Robyn.”
“I don’t want Robyn; I’ve never wanted her. There are all these empty spaces inside me that only you can fill. I want us to be together again, Catherine.”
“Seems to me I’ve heard that before. There was an imbalance in our relationship from the very beginning, but I thought we could eventually work things out. I was wrong. We obviously have different needs and too much has happened for things to ever be right between us now. You must know we can’t go back to where we began.”
“I told you before I’m not interested in the past.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets and let them hang loosely at his sides. “I want to go forward with you – only you.”
“That’s what you say now, but experience has told me it would only last until the next time your mother comes up with another one of her fabricated stories and brainwashes you. No thanks, I’m not interested in running her gauntlet again.”
“There won’t be any more of that kind of thing.”
She rolled her eyes toward the ceiling.
“No? You believed all the lies she told about me before. How do I know you won’t be swayed once more?” She held up her hand before he could answer. “You don’t seem to be able to see her for what she is or the vicious tales she spins. I refuse to subject myself to her mendacity ever again.”
“You won’t have to. I’ve stepped outside the realm of her influence for good.” He paced a few steps back and forth before facing her again. “Please try to understand how it’s been for me. I had to accept that someone I loved and trusted all my life was deliberately lying to me. I realize it doesn’t change what she did or justify her motives, but my mother really believed she was doing what was best for me.”
“Anything to keep her baby boy close to her,” Catherine scoffed.
“It was wrong of her and it makes me sick to know what she’s done to us.” He dragged long fingers through his hair. “If only I could make you understand what I’ve been going through. You told me to go away and grow up. That’s what I’m trying to do.”
“I believe I said learn to be your own man.”
“Seems like the same thing to me. Ryan Wade told me I’d probably changed in South America and both you and I need to learn to get to know the person I’ve become.”
Her brows instantly snapped up in surprise.
“You talked to Ryan?” She shook her head. “You couldn’t have, you don’t even know him.”
“I introduc
ed myself. I’ve been so mixed up about everything I needed to talk to someone who might be able to set me straight. He seemed to think given time you’d be able to accept me again. I know I treated you badly, but I’ve hurt myself, too. I can’t erase any of the foolish things I said or did, but I’m willing to do anything to have you forgive me. Can’t you see the power you’re capable of wielding over me?”
“If that were true I would have been able to make you stay. You’ve hurt me too deeply and too often. I’ve been punished by your leaving and then coming back only to reject me. I prayed for your safe return, but in the end nothing ended up being right.”
“That’s because I’ve acted so stupidly, but I’m here to change all that. Give me the opportunity to make it up to you. I know I can do better this time.”
She shook her head.
“You’re too late, I no longer want you.”
His entire body seemed to clench at her words.
“You can’t mean that.”
“Haven’t you listened to anything I’ve said? You think I haven’t suffered? I had nightmares; terrible visions of you in torment. Do you have any idea what it was like knowing you were in pain and not being able to do anything to help you?”
“But can’t you see that proves we share a special link?”
“That’s not the way I see it. I’m the one who felt the link, but it was one-sided. You’ve made it impossible for me to get you out of my heart and let anyone else in.”
“I don’t want another man having you because I can’t make myself want anyone else, either. That’s why I was so possessive of you. I didn’t doubt you. I was mistrusting myself. I know it was wrong to treat you that way, but I was afraid of losing you. If you need more time, I’ll give it to you, but please don’t send me away for good.”
“I have to for both our sakes because I don’t believe you can really change. We’ll end up driving each other insane the way your feelings vacillate. Whatever honest love I thought I received from you I felt like I had to steal. God, I sound as pathetic as Robyn.”
“Something that’s freely given isn’t stealing.”
“That’s the big problem. You want my body, but you don’t give your love freely.”
“I am now. I want all of you and I want to give all of myself to you in return.”
“If you really meant that you wouldn’t be so easily influenced by your mother – and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.”
“I told you I’ve changed. Give me the opportunity to prove it to you. You loved me once. I’m asking you to give that love another chance.”
“I can’t,” she whispered heartbroken, knowing she was letting him slip away.
The muscles in his throat contracted as he swallowed.
“Can’t, or won’t?”
“What difference does it make? If something gets broken often enough you eventually end up with too many pieces to be able to have anything worth keeping. Past events should convince you of the impossibility to mend our relationship.”
“Then we’ll forget about reviving old hurts and start building new, happier memories. I tried living without you before and it wasn’t living. I don’t think I can go through that again. One more chance; that’s all I’m asking of you, Catherine.”
She’d spent her career administering to the needs of others, but now she longed to be comforted herself.
“We had our time together, but now it’s over.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“I can’t help it. I don’t have the emotional strength for this anymore, Josh.”
“What more can I say to make you change your mind?”
“I don’t want you to say anything. I just want you to leave. I’m tired of playing this same scene between us. Maybe you enjoy being a masochist, but I don’t.”
He stayed very still for several seconds looking at her, as though he might be imprinting her image on his brain.
“I’ll go, but I wonder if you’re ever going to be able to forgive me for ignoring your warning not to go to the Amazon.”
“Can you forgive yourself?” she countered.
He flinched. “Touché. If you change your mind I’ll be at the motel where I stayed when I came back from Alaska. My landlord’s having my apartment painted.”
She nodded toward the little figurine. “Don’t forget to take that.”
“Let it stay and allow me the small pleasure knowing that it’s here with you.”
She watched him leave. She’d made him beg and she hated herself for it. The man had bared his soul to her and she’d been cruel. Not for revenge or to punish, but to protect them both, she reassured herself. She picked up his little frog.
“If I kiss you, will you turn into my real prince?” she murmured past the emotion that clogged her throat.
Chapter Twenty-three
Josh knew this had been his last chance to win Catherine back and he’d failed, but there was still a part of him that couldn’t help but cling to hope. As slender as that hope might be it was all he had left. God knows not every path was smooth enough to lead a way free of uncertainties. The hardships he’d endured in the jungle and now this new trouble made him more aware than ever that life was not a journey without peril.
He thought of the little frog he’d left with Catherine. It took more than manmade symbols of good luck to protect against pitfalls, but each individual chooses their own way and certainly some more wisely than he had. Hadn’t he wasted enough time wandering around taking too many wrong turns like a blind man bumping into walls?
Catherine was the most important person in his life and yet he had allowed his mother’s poisonous lies and his own jealousy to undermine their relationship until he’d destroyed her love for him. Her dismissal had hurt even more than he’d imagined it would. The pain chipped away at him, sharp edged and unrelenting. He knew he was strong enough now not to go to pieces as he’d done before, but he still felt mired in misery at her rejection.
When she hadn’t contacted him by the end of the third day, Josh was so distraught it felt as though the walls were closing in on him. Not knowing where to go or what to do, he drove around until he found himself at the ocean. He parked and walked down to the sand. A brisk wind blew off the water bringing with it the salty scent of the sea. It ruffled his hair and made his clothes flap against him while biting into his thin jacket.
He let himself slip back in time to recall a day he’d spent here with Catherine.
They’d played in the gentle waves splashing like children before chasing each other out of the water where they laid on a blanket and basked in the sun. But there was no sun now and the clouds had begun to chase across the sky with an approaching storm.
The first rumble of thunder and ensuing flash of lightening startled him out of his reverie. Josh knew he should seek shelter before the rain came, but he couldn’t summon up the energy to move. He was tired. Tired of always running, trying to find his niche in life. Now that he finally knew where he wanted to be, it was too late. What he needed only Catherine could give, but she no longer wanted what he had to offer.
Filled with the utter fruitlessness of his attempt to win her over, Josh stood there with his feet anchored to the sand. He stared with impassive eyes, as angry gray waves rushed in to assault the shore. He couldn’t make out where the sky ended and the sea began. Lights blinking from a ship in the far distance reminded him of how Tom used to joke and say if he had the guts he would get on a freighter and sail around the world.
Thoughts of him filled Josh with fresh guilt. No one could have asked for a truer friend, but he had taken Tom’s faithfulness for granted. The thought of his own selfish behavior disgusted him. As his feelings of misery increased, he sank down until his knees pressed into the sand. Josh was never more acutely aware that he carried the burden of needing his friend’s forgiveness than at this very moment.
“I’m sorry for being such a lousy friend, Tom,” he whispered in a strangled voice.
/> He knelt there with his head bowed low while his fingers gripped handfuls of sand. Everything he’d hoped for and everything he had been through meant nothing now. He felt so utterly alone it was as though the entire world had shut him out leaving him in total isolation.
He looked up as the sliver of moon suddenly broke free from the dense cloud cover. The light reflected on the water like a shimmering path that seemed to suddenly be beckoning to him. Josh struggled to his feet reeling from the raw force of his emotions and the wind that buffeted against him. He moved toward the water’s edge feeling immune to the rain that had begun to fall in large drops striking his body, soaking him.
Waves rose and fell in their ancient rhythm with long foamy fingers that gripped the beach and rolled back only to claw their way forward again. They seemed to be reaching out, luring him ever closer toward the mysteriousness of their domain.
Maybe Tom had the right idea. When you realized you can’t have the one person in the world you want to share the rest of your life with what was the point of going on without them? He pictured his future stretching out before him solitary and bleak. He’d had enough experience living a half-life to know it wasn’t something to look forward to.
Mesmerized by the hypnotic surf, Josh began to move closer to the water and stopped at the edge where the sea licked at his feet. He kicked off his shoes and twisted out of his jacket. He vaguely realized he couldn’t distinguish the difference between the roaring of the sea and the pounding inside his head, as he stepped into the water.
>>>>dreams<<<<
Jenny watched Douglas from beneath her lashes. He’d been pacing around the apartment like a caged animal for most of the morning and she’d grown tired of waiting for him to tell her what had him so stirred up.
“Okay, enough already. What’s wrong?”
He jolted to a stop and blinked at her.
“What do you mean?”
“When you pace like you’ve been doing I know something is bothering you. Either tell me what it is and stop wearing a hole in the floor, or please go outside.”
Dreams~Shadows of the Night Page 17
