by B. Love
Very rarely did they have bad days or days where they experienced a disconnect. But they did have them. Most times it came after a really great day. When Hali had done something for Lucas or Luca that caught him off guard. Or when they spent an entire day together. Or when she would randomly shower him with attention and affection.
It was almost as if his defense mechanism was to push away the thing he wanted and needed most. It was clear that Lucas needed that closeness and intimacy, but his fear made it easier for him to push it and her away than to accept them and her. Because Hali was aware of what he’d gone through, she was able to be patient with him. A few hours would pass, and she would find both Lucas and Luca at her door with something sweet to eat and a bouquet of roses. Well, Lucas would have eleven roses and Luca would have one.
Since Lucas had to check on the repairs that were being done for his store that morning, Hali had the pleasure of dropping Luca off at Luana’s home just until their session was over. Both Hali and Lucas knew it would be difficult to get him back because it was one of the few days that Luana didn’t have to do anything for her business or school, so Hali expected to be able to spend some time with Lucas alone afterwards. If he wanted to.
Sometimes his sessions left him bursting with energy and happiness. Sometimes his sessions left him so drained he had to completely detach himself from the world. Except for Luca. Luca always seemed to make it better. Even when Hali was more of a guilty reminder of his past instead of a constant reminder of his growth. Hali wouldn’t know how this session would make him feel until it was over, so she tried to mentally prepare for either reaction as she pulled into a parking space.
Before going in, she grabbed her phone out of the cup holder to call her mother. No one in her family was aware of her relationship with Lucas. All they knew was that something was different. Something gave her a glow. A constant smile. But she had yet to share with them what. Not because she was ashamed of her relationship with Lucas, but because her family saw the damage he’d caused almost a year ago.
It was Kenya, her older sister, who was there giving her sponge baths when she became too weak from not eating to stand and shower herself. It was Sir’Kenya, her older brother, who forced her to start taking walks and exercising again to keep her muscles from atrophying after spending days… weeks… in one position in bed. It was her father, Harris, who sent her brother and cousins out looking for Lucas – fully prepared to cause physical harm to his body for the emotional and mental harm he’d caused Hali. But even then, her love for him was the only thing that pushed her to spare him. It was her mother, Miranda, who wailed and moaned and prayed for that stronghold… that soul tie to be released.
Hali understood that all the prayers in the world wouldn’t be enough to break a soul tie that wasn’t meant to break. She understood that she had a very specific role in Lucas’ life – to help him heal his heart. So if hers had to be broken for a moment in return, Hali accepted that. She was reaping the reward for that now. But Hali was sure her family wouldn’t be as understanding and forgiving of Lucas as she was.
Something would have to give because they would all be filing into her apartment for Thanksgiving dinner, and she refused to let any energy besides gratefulness, love and peace enter her home. Which was the reason she figured she needed to tell her family about Lucas now instead of waiting to spring the news on them when they were all in the same room. The quickest way to spread the message through her family was by telling her mother first, so Hali dialed her number and took a few deep breaths as she waited for Miranda to answer.
“Hey, momma’s baby,” Miranda answered, getting an immediate smile out of Hali.
“Hey, Ma. You busy?”
“Never too busy for my baby. Ken’s over here for his lunch break is all.”
“Oh, well I won’t hold you long,” especially since her brother was there. The last thing she wanted was to be yelled at by the both of them at the same time, “Have you talked to YaYa lately?” she asked, referring to her sister.
“About two days ago. Why? Everything alright, Hali?”
“Everything’s good,” Hali cut her truck off and pulled the key from the ignition, “Everything’s perfect. I was… um… just… you know… calling to chat.”
Miranda’s soft laughter eased Hali’s nerves slightly as she jumped out of her truck and locked the door behind her.
“Chat, huh? About what, Li?”
“I’m… um… in a relationship.”
Hali could literally hear the happiness in her mother’s voice as she cheered, “That’s great, baby! Who is he? Where did you meet him? How long have you two been together? When can we meet him? Will he be at your place for Thanksgiving?”
“Yes, he will be there. We’ve been together for about a month. Um… you, you know who he is, Ma.”
Hali entered Dr. Scotts office, but sat down instead of checking in with the receptionist.
“Who is it, Hali?”
Hali sighed softly and lowered her voice before answering with, “Lucas.”
She immediately started nibbling on her thumb nail as she waited for her mother to respond. Seconds felt like eternities while Hali waited. It wasn’t until she rolled her eyes and called out for her mother that Miranda spoke.
“Lucas who?” the quietness in Miranda’s voice in no way matched the venom that laced it.
“Lucas Berry. Luana’s brother. You know…”
“Are you out of your damn mind, Hali Renae Davison? There’s no way in hell I’m going to let you be with him. I absolutely forbid it.”
Hali’s legs began to shake. Her elbow went to her thigh. Forehead nestled itself in the palm of her hand.
“Ma…”
“No. There’s nothing that you can say to make this okay, Li. Break up with him. Today.”
Hali chuckled as she lifted herself and looked around the waiting room. Her tongue massaged her cheek as she stood.
“I’m not breaking up with him, Ma. I love him. I know he hurt me, deeply, but it wasn’t intentional. He was trying to do what he thought was best for his son…”
“Girl, you’re about to make me lose my religion. That does not justify what he did to you. Talk to your brother because I cannot deal with you right now.”
“No, Ma, don’t put Ken on the phone. Ma…”
“Li? What’s going on?” Sir’Kenya asked.
Hali rolled her eyes and headed towards the receptionist.
“Momma is being dramatic. I have to go, Ken. I’m about to check in for an appointment. I’ll talk to you later. Love you. Kiss ma for me and tell her I love her.”
Not giving her brother a chance to further interrogate her, Hali disconnected the call and gave the receptionist her name. She led Hali to Dr. Scott’s office, and the sight of Lucas immediately began to soothe her nerves. Lucas stood and pulled her into his arms. He kissed her forehead and looked down at her intently.
“What’s wrong, angel?”
Hali shook her head and scratched the back of her neck as Dr. Scott returned to her seat.
“Nothing,” Hali muttered, trying to push Lucas’ arms from around her waist unsuccessfully.
“We lying to each other now? Give it up.”
Hali smiled and placed her forehead on his chest. His grip on her tightened.
“We’ll talk about it later, Luke. It’s nothing. Really.”
“Are you sure?”
Hali lifted her head and looked into his eyes. He was always doing that – seeing to her needs and putting her first, even in ways and at times that she preferred he be a little selfish.
“Positive, baby.”
To assure him that she was okay, Hali stood on her tiptoes and softly kissed his lips. His grip on her loosened, and she took advantage of it by removing herself from his embrace. When she did, Dr. Scott stood and introduced herself. Hali did the same and they both took their seats. Lucas wasted no time taking Hali’s hand into his, and the small gesture was all it took to complete
ly erase the conversation she had with her mother out of her memory.
“Thank you for coming, Hali,” Dr. Scott spoke, cupping her hands together on top of her desk with a smile, “I asked that you attend this session because Lucas is embarking on a journey of healing and growth that a lot of people are too afraid to go on. In the black community, counseling isn’t something that is recommended as much as it should be. A lot of our issues are swept under the rug or prayed over by the grandmothers of our families, but it’s our pride and fear and shame that keeps us from seeking the help that we deserve.
His courage and strength in choosing to receive help for something that a lot of men ignore honestly made me want to go above my call as a therapist to help him. It’s my goal that he will be a voice of reason to men that are struggling with what he’s struggling with, and that by them seeing the success of his progress, they will want to experience the same. It’s critical to Lucas’ improvement that you understand what he’s suffering from, what he needs to do to get better and how you can help him along this journey.”
“I’m willing to do whatever it takes,” Hali quickly agreed.
“Good,” Dr. Scott sat back in her seat and crossed her legs, “Have you ever heard of emotional deprivation disorder?”
Her heart dropped. So this was more than just a need that wasn’t met?
“No, I haven’t,” her eyes went to Lucas as she asked, “What is it?”
“It’s when the natural sensitive need for love is frustrated. It stems from a lack of unconditional love in the early stages of someone’s life. When a person has not been authentically affirmed and emotionally strengthened as a child. It’s basically a disorder caused by negative experiences as a child grows up that makes them feel incapable of loving and being loved.
This can come from any number of things, but mostly neglect from primary caregivers during the early stages of one’s life, being abandoned, ignored or rejected, constantly being criticized and abused verbally and simply not receiving love in general.
When a person has this disorder, they may be incapable of having normal relationships and connections with others. They struggle with loneliness, insecurities or depression. Depending on the person, they can be overly aggressive and self-centered or fearful and easily discouraged. But the one thing that they all have in common is an unhealthy sense of self-worth and a distorted view of love.
A lot of men that coin themselves as unemotionally available are actually struggling with this disorder, but because they don’t take it as seriously as they should, they will never get the proper diagnosis and help that they need.”
“So what can we do to make him better?” Hali asked, unconcerned with anything else in that moment.
“Well, I’ve given Lucas a few exercises to practice, and I want you to hold him accountable. Not in a nagging way, but in a helpful and supportive way. One of them is to make sure that he not only acknowledges his condition, but that he is mindful of his power to change it. His inability to feel loved by anyone besides his sister presented itself in its highest form through you.
You are his biggest trigger and his greatest asset. His mirror. You remind him of his lack of love and his desire to love. So when he gets in his moods of wanting to retreat, his job is to remind himself that it’s okay to love and be loved by you. And if he’s too caught up in the moment because he’s reverting to his childhood it will be your responsibility to gently and lovingly remind him of that.
He will have a tendency to want to be a perfectionist. To use that perfection as a way to prove that he is worthy of love. When he fails, remind him of your love. When he succeeds, remind him of your love. If you do this enough, his mind will reprogram, and he won’t feel the need to earn your love with a perfection that no human is truly capable of.
He will practice an extreme of either putting himself above you or putting you above him. If he does either of these things, remind him that the two of you are a team. That it is his responsibility to see to his needs first, but to value yours as just as important.
None of these things will be every day experiences, and like I said, they are Lucas’ responsibilities. As the man, he must lead with this, but there will be times when he needs you to be his strength. When he forgets these things that’s when you step in. Don’t ever practice these things first. Give him the time to take care of it himself. You don’t want to nurture him so much that you become the mother he never had. We want to keep your role in his life clear. Helpmeet, supporter and enhancer, but never his absent mother.”
Hali nodded in agreement.
“Is this something that he can overcome or will it be a lifetime struggle?”
“This is something that can be completely cured. The more he practices mindfulness the less those things will become an issue. But I have to be completely honest with you, Hali, you are the key to his complete recovery.”
At the sound of that, Hali’s hand began to sweat. She pulled it from under Lucas’ just to wipe it across her jeans, then she returned her hand to his, getting a quiet chuckle from Dr. Scott.
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to alarm you. This is a huge weight, but it’s such an easy one to carry,” her smile and assuring tone made it easy for Hali to believe her, “The solution is the opposite of the problem,” Dr. Scott’s hands unfolded and she stood and sat on the edge of her desk, “Lucas needs to receive authentic love and affirmation from someone on a consistent basis. With Luana, she needed to focus on loving and building herself up. Lucas has given himself as much as he can. The only thing he lacks at this point is that love and affirmation from someone else.
If you want to help him, and you want him to be free of this disorder, you must simply love and affirm him on a daily basis.
Consider a gas tank.
Lucas has been set on empty for his entire life. Self-love, in his case, is waiting for him at the gas station. But the love that he never received from his parents has him stranded on the side of the road. In order for him to get to the gas station, he needs someone to come along and take him to that gas station so he can put some gas in a can, return to his car, fill it up and then continue to go to the gas station from that point forward to get his refills. You’re his gas can. You’re what he needs to get him off of empty so he can love and affirm himself and refill himself consistently.
I never recommend loving someone who’s empty of love. I always recommend self-love first. But for someone with emotional deprivation disorder, there’s only so much that they can do to affirm themselves. He needs to be loved and affirmed and filled by someone else in order to believe that he is worthy of the affirmation and love he gives himself. Is that something he can count on you to do?”
Hali chuckled and shook her head. Not because she couldn’t but because…
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do,” she confessed softly, running her thumb across Lucas’ cheek.
“Great, I can get you a list of affirmations printed up to use until it comes naturally…”
“That won’t be necessary,” Hali informed her, getting a smile from Lucas.
Dr. Scott obviously had no idea – Hali had enough love and admiration stored up in her mind and heart for Lucas that she could start pouring into him in that very moment and never run dry. In fact, that’s what she did. As if they were the only two people in the room… the only two people in the world… Hali stood and sat sideways on Lucas’ lap.
“Hali…” he whispered softly, already about to stop her, but she stopped him by placing her index finger on his lips.
When she removed it, she replaced it with her lips and kissed him sweetly.
“I love you,” his eyes closed, “You’re intelligent, wise, and capable of leading me, Luca and everyone under your business,” they opened, “You have the vision and the hustle necessary to do whatever it is you set your mind to,” they closed, “You’re beautiful,” they opened, “Not just on the outside,” her hand went to the center of his chest, “But here too,”
they closed again, “Even more beautiful here,” the beating of his heart sped up under her touch, “You’re so selfless and kindhearted,” Hali took his hand into hers and kissed it, “Brave.
Strong,” she kissed it again and licked her lips as she watched tears stream from his closed eyes. Blinking back her own tears, Hali inhaled deeply and looked at Dr. Scott for guidance. With her mouth covered and watery eyes, Dr. Scott nodded for Hali to continue, “You’re a damn great father,” his eyes opened, still leaking of tears that he’d been holding in for years. Hali smiled softly as her own tears began to fall. She bit down on her lip and tried to compose herself.
After inhaling and exhaling loudly she mumbled, “And such a great boyfriend,” before her shuddering breath took her voice. She lowered her head and shook it a few times before returning her eyes to his, “And I will gladly spend the rest of my life reminding you of this every day if that’s what it takes for you to see just how much you mean to me. I want you to see you how I see you, Lucas. Believe in you how I believe in you. Love you like I love you.”
When his head began to shake, Hali thought he was about to shut down on her, but Lucas pulled her down to him for what had to be the most tender, passionate kiss he’d ever given her. The kiss was demanding, yet a soft caress. Lucas forced her lips open gently with his tongue and reacquainted it with hers… giving even more of himself for her to consume. With each kiss of his lips and massage of his tongue, Hali surrendered to the currents of desire that swept through her.
She needed to breathe, and she was sure he needed to too, but neither one of them made an effort to pull away. And that’s when she realized… they were surviving off the breathing in of each other’s souls. Even if they weren’t… on his lips would’ve been the perfect place to die. The tips of his fingers slid down her back until they squeezed her ass, and it seemed as if the more he aroused her desire for him the stronger his grew for her.
