If You Ever Change Your Mind

by B. Love

  It wasn’t until Dr. Scott called both of their names that Hali remembered she was in the room. Lucas still hadn’t put forth the effort to release Hali until Dr. Scott offered, “How about we end this session early so you two can spend some time alone together?” to which Lucas quickly agreed.

  10

  Lucas

  “You had his nose on top of his forehead!” Hali yelled, laughing hysterically as they stepped onto the elevator.

  Luca was standing in the middle of them, holding both of their hands, laughing as if he understood the joke himself.

  “Mane, I didn’t have his nose on his forehead. It was in the center of his face,” Lucas argued, trying to keep from laughing at his own expense.

  After their therapy session, he took Hali to some place he’d heard her mention she wanted to try. They had painting and wine… two of her favorite things. Lucas had an okay time trying to paint the man who posed for them, but his true joy came from watching Hali paint, drink and laugh at his painting. He hadn’t seen her in that element of relaxation and fun in a while and it was refreshing.

  That wasn’t to say that they weren’t enjoying each other up until that point. They were. But something shifted at the therapy session… and whatever fear and mistrust Hali was harboring seemed to have floated away because she was the same old Hali that used to find fun and happiness in everything. Or maybe Lucas was the one that had released the fear and mistrust and was finally able to see what had been in front of him already. Whatever the case… today had been a good day.

  “Whatever. We’ll see when we go pick the paintings up. How did you put the man’s nose on his forehead, Lucas?”

  Deciding he was tired of denying it, Lucas laughed a little before explaining, “He must’ve been moving too much,” with a shrug.

  “Lucas!” Hali yelled, clutching her stomach with her free hand, “That’s not a good excuse! Even if he was moving, which he wasn’t, his freaking nose wasn’t moving on top of his face!”

  The more she laughed the more beautiful she became. Before Lucas could stop himself, he was leaning over Luca and taking Hali’s lips into his, only stopping when the elevator dinged and the doors opened. The closer they got to her door the smaller their smiles grew. The quieter their conversation grew. They had already discussed their plans for the night – Hali had to finish a custom sculpture and Lucas needed to go through his inventory for the month. Even though both he and Luca had gotten used to spending all of their free time with Hali, they agreed to spending their nights in their own apartments.

  She avoided his eyes as she swung his hand in hers gently. A few seconds passed before she kneeled and pulled Luca into her for a hug. She kissed his temple and closed her eyes as she inhaled deeply.

  “Night night, Luca. I’ll see you in the morning. What do you want for breakfast? Pancakes or oatmeal?”

  Instead of answering her, Luca looked up at Lucas and said, “Stay with Howie.”

  “You can’t, baby boy. Hali has some work to do.”

  Normally the sight of Luca’s puppy dog eyes and pouty lower lip would’ve caused Lucas to change his mind, but with all of the time that they had been spending with Hali he knew he had to stand firm. He didn’t want to make a habit out of it just for Luca to be heartbroken when he couldn’t have her.

  “Lucas…” Hali called softly as she stood upright, “It’s okay. He can come over…”

  “No, Hali. We agreed.”

  The same puppy dog eyes and pouty lip covered Hali’s face, and Lucas groaned and shook his head.

  “Please, Daddy,” Luca begged, hugging Lucas’ leg tightly, “Stay with Howie.”

  “Please, Daddy,” Hali echoed, lifting Luca into her arms so the both of them could hug him properly. Luca giggled quietly as Hali created a sandwich out of him, “Shh, or he won’t take us seriously,” she whispered loudly, making Luca laugh even more.

  Lucas laughed and shook his head, giving in to the softening of his heart. How was he supposed to resist this? How was he going to deny the two people besides Luana that he loved most? How could he deny them of each other? He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. No matter how dangerous it seemed.

  “Fine. He can come over for an hour, but after that he’s getting ready for bed at home.”

  “Yay!” Hali squealed, planting a wet, loud kiss on his cheek.

  He opened her door for them, and was surprised when Luca ran back out and grabbed his hand. Luca pulled him into her apartment, causing his already softened heart to melt even more.

  “I gotta go, Luca. I need to get some work done,” Lucas said softly, realizing what Luca truly wanted – all three of them to remain together.

  Ignoring him, Luca continued to pull him into the living room. He looked around in search of Hali, and when he heard her voice he followed it. They found her in the room she used as her creative studio, but with the corners of it being filled with stuff for Luca it was looking more and more like his room.

  This was what he wanted… a woman to love his child. To be the mother of his child. But now that it was actually happening…

  “It’s already late, Hali,” Lucas reasoned, “I’m going to just go ahead and take him home.”

  Hali looked from Lucas to Luca. Confusion was evident on her face, but instead of going against him she nodded and agreed with, “Okay,” softly.

  “It’s just that… it’s not that I don’t trust you to stay around. And I really want you and Luca to be close. I just… don’t want him to get so attached to you that he can’t function without you. I’m not saying I plan on us ending or anything like that, but… I have to protect him on all sides. And he’s crazy about you already.”

  “I get it,” she smiled softly and shook her head as she looked around the room, “I… you know I hate being alone and…” Hali shrugged and turned away from him slightly, “Everybody’s getting married and having babies. I would never try to take Shanice’s place in his life, but it has felt really good to have him around,” her eyes returned to his, “Both of you. But you have every right to do what you think is best for Luca.”

  At that point… marrying her seemed like what was best for the both of them. Lucas closed his eyes and took in a few breaths. He was reverting. Her love and attention and affection was overwhelming him and making it hard for him to accept it. Not only him, but he was trying to deny Luca of it in the process. Normally he would’ve left and given himself time to reprogram, but that wasn’t fair to Hali or Luca.

  “You’re so good sometimes it’s hard to believe,” he confessed, releasing the hold he had on Luca’s hand, and as soon as he did Luca walked over to one of the tubs and started his search for something to entertain himself.

  “I’m not going anywhere, Lucas.”

  No matter how much he unintentionally tried to push her away.

  “I know.”

  Lucas watched as Luca walked out of the room with what had quickly become his favorite toy.

  “Are you sure?”

  His eyes returned to Hali.

  “I’m sure.”

  Hali walked over to him, and as soon as she was within reach he pulled her into his arms.

  “You didn’t have to leave this time. Good job.”

  Lucas smiled as he rested his chin on top of her head.

  “I love you, baby. So fucking much.”

  Hali looked up at him, giving him the chance to kiss her tenderly.

  “I love you too, Luke.”

  “Thank you for loving my son. You didn’t have to be so open…”

  Her head shook as she lifted herself to kiss him again.

  “You don’t have to thank me for that. Luca is the sweetest thing in life. There’s no way I could do anything but love him. Besides, he comes from you. What else did you expect?”

  That was true. Her heart was good like that. Instead of telling her that he wanted her to give Luca a little brother or sister, Lucas told her, “You don’t have to try to take Shanice’s place in his life becau
se you’ve already exceeded it,” her eyes watered immediately, and she tried to detach herself from him but he held her tighter, “You’ve been more of a mother to him in one month than she was in his entire first year of life, Hali. I will forever be grateful to you for that. It may not have been your intention to take my son as your own, but I give you full permission to love him as his mother. Don’t let me and my issues ever stand in the way of that, okay? I need you to promise me that you will love him even when the shit becomes too much for me, Hali.”

  “I will,” she promised quickly, pulling him down to her for a tighter hug, “I promise I will.”

  Lucas held her, until Luca’s laughter from the living room made them laugh. Hand in hand, they joined him there, and found him sitting in the middle of the floor in his own little world. Entertaining himself. Satisfied with just having them in the same space as him.

  Not because he was neglected and used to being by himself, but because he was so loved and cared for and well-rounded that he was able to find comfort and entertainment with or without the help of anyone else. He’d mastered something that most adults struggled with – love, peace, acceptance and satisfaction with self. It took true self-love and acceptance to be your own friend and enjoy your own company. To not drown out your own thoughts with the voices of others, TV or music because you weren’t comfortable being alone with yourself.

  For years, Lucas and Luana clung to each other so hard because they weren’t comfortable with themselves. Now, his sister was living and loving and preparing to give birth to the newest addition to their family. And although he was still working through his issues, Lucas had faith that he too would soon receive the happily ever after to the nightmare that haunted him through his childhood.

  Already, Luca had a strength that neither he or Luana had, and as he pulled Hali into his side and kissed her forehead he was sure Luca would grow and develop into a version of himself that was ten times more than what he could’ve imagined because of Hali’s help.

  11

  Hali

  It didn’t matter how much Hali tried to get Luana to sit down and rest, she insisted on helping with Thanksgiving dinner as much as she could.

  “I’m only three months, Hali,” Luana reminded her, taking back the sweet potatoes Hali had taken from her, “I can help.”

  “Well, can you find something less strenuous? Like, snap those beans,” Hali instructed, taking the bowl of sweet potatoes from her again.

  She had already fixed enough sweet potato pies to satisfy all that would be in attendance, now all she had to do was make the sweet potato casserole, get the green beans steamed, and make the macaroni and cheese. Everything else was done.

  “Strenuous? Hali, I think you’re even worse than Jax and Luke,” Luana said with a smile, taking the sweet potatoes again and pushing Hali over to the table softly, “You’re the one that needs to be doing something light and easy. What time did you get started this morning?”

  Hali plopped down in the chair and started on the green beans. She wasn’t as on top of things as she was because she wanted to be, her nerves had her cooking and cleaning at a quicker pace than usual. This would be the first time since she told her family about her and Lucas that they would be in the same room, and although she begged them to understand where she was coming from and let her live her life, they all continued to give her a hard time about her decision. As the youngest of the family, Hali expected that, so all she could do was pray for peace – and have a backup plan of going next door with Luca until all the ruckus died down if necessary.

  “I did the dessert and dressing yesterday, and you know Jaxon and Lucas fried the turkey yesterday. Lucas was feeling himself a little afterwards and ending up doing the ham too, so all I had to do this morning was the sides and clean up. I’ve been doing that since like five.”

  When Lucas’ name fell from her lips, Luana looked over at her with a smile.

  “How’s that going? You and Lucas. I already know Luca is crazy about you. He’s always talking about his Howie. Well, saying a whole lot of words I don’t understand and like two that I do; one of them being Howie.”

  Hali beamed proudly, temporarily stopping and giving her full attention to the thought of Lucas and Luca. When she returned to the beans she said, “I’m so glad Lucas started reading to him as early as he did and started talking to him as quickly as he did. The more you interact with a child the faster they develop, and Luca is so advanced, Ana.

  He knows how to say please and use hugs to get what he wants. He knows how to pout and make those eyes water when he’s in trouble or doesn’t want to do what Lucas says,” Hali smiled and shook her head, “He’s just amazing. But me and Lucas are doing very well. Sometimes I forget we’re even in a relationship until he kisses me because our friendship is so strong and deep.

  I’m just… so happy he came home. This is what I wanted, and it’s more than I thought it would be, but sometimes I still can’t believe he’s my man.”

  Luana moved the cutting board next to Hali at the table and sat down.

  “I’m glad you didn’t shut him out completely. Not a lot of women would’ve been as forgiving as you.”

  “My momma always used to tell me and YaYa that there was no point in wasting time. If you want to be with a man, let go of whatever he did to piss you off and be with him. If you don’t want to be with him, don’t play with him or yourself. Cut him off completely and move on.

  She told us that the easiest way to cause a man to detach himself from you was to nag him and be bitter. They need us to be their peace. The world takes so much from them; the last thing they need is for a woman to consistently make them feel bad about something they’ve already begged her pardon for. And on top of that, they need respect. Disrespect to a man is just as hard of a thing to accept as feeling unloved is for a woman.

  That’s how she kept the peace in the house with her and my father. She didn’t allow mistrust and paranoia or any negative feeling really to make her nag and disrespect my father. If she wasn’t ready to forgive him for something and let it go she communicated that and they gave each other space. When she was ready, she forgave him and they never talked about it again. I knew, if this thing was going to work I couldn’t consistently bring up him marrying her. He felt bad enough about it on his own.”

  “How did Miranda react to you two being together? I know they wanted to kill him after he married Shanice.”

  Hali was interrupted by the sound of Luca’s laughter as he ran through one side of the kitchen and tried to go out of the other with Lucas chasing behind him. Before he could go out of the other side, Jaxon appeared, causing Luca to jump and laugh even louder as he ran in the opposite direction. When he realized he couldn’t get through either way, he ran over to Hali and tried to climb up the chair and into her lap.

  “What are y’all doing to this baby?” Hali asked as she kissed his forehead.

  “He messed up our game of dominoes,” Lucas said as he walked over to them.

  “He came in and just… completely dismantled the dominoes with his little hand. Cutest shit I’ve ever seen,” Jaxon added, leaning against the counter.

  “Maybe that means he wants you all to play something he can play,” Hali reasoned as she took the domino out of Luca’s hand and handed it to Lucas.

  “Maybe that means he’s petty and needs to take a nap.”

  Both Hali and Luana laughed as Lucas tried to take Luca from Hali, but she handed him to Luana.

  “You can’t make him take a nap because he messed up your game. Gone back in there and start over. He can stay in here with us.”

  “Nah, he needs to be out of the kitchen with the men. I won’t put him to sleep I promise.”

  Hali looked Lucas over as if she didn’t believe him, but eventually gave in.

  “Fine, don’t put him to sleep, Lucas.”

  “I’m not,” he agreed with a smile.

  Lucas picked Luca up, then placed him on his feet. On his
way out of the kitchen, Luca looked back at Hali and smiled, as if he knew she’d saved him from an unwanted nap. Hali waited until the men were completely out of the kitchen to say, “She didn’t take the news well at all. She tried to make me break up with him. I’m just hoping that since time has passed and things have been going good that she and the rest of my family will accept Lucas like they did before he married her. I guess we’ll see in a few hours.”

  “I understand their frustration. Even with Lucas being my brother I hated for him to make that move, but he had to do what he had to do. It all worked out in my opinion, so hopefully they won’t give him too much of a hard time.”

  Only time would tell. For the time being, Hali enjoyed her temporary peace – talking to her best friend, the sound of Luca’s laughter permeating her apartment and the sight of Lucas and Jaxon getting along better than they ever had. The more she thought about it, the more she realized that was all she needed in that moment.

  “You should’ve took a hit of my blunt,” Lucas said, grabbing Hali by the hand and pulling her into his chest.

  She had been pacing around her bedroom ever since Kenya texted her and told her they were on their way. Lucas had already prepared himself for their arrival by having his usual dose of marijuana. He was slated to have a fairly calm day no matter what her parents said or did. Between the weed and food, Lucas would probably be falling asleep at the table.

  He palmed her cheeks and kissed the stress out of her expression. By the time he was done Hali was smiling and hugging his waist.

  “I just want today to be a good day,” she confessed softly, looking up and into those beautiful eyes she couldn’t get enough of.

  “It will be,” Lucas answered simply.

  “But what if they try to kill you?”

  Lucas smiled and remained silent for a few seconds. He kissed her forehead and cheek and pulled her back into his chest.