If You Ever Change Your Mind

by B. Love

  But today, he had been invited to speak on a different kind of wealth – mental and emotional wealth. Dr. Scott asked him and Luana to attend her health and wealth conference. At first thought, Lucas wanted to decline the invitation. It was easy for Luana to talk about their childhood, but Lucas didn’t like people seeing that side of him. The only thing that made him agree was Hali being his voice of reason. Reminding him that he had a duty to share his testimony because of the test he overcame.

  Lucas looked over at Luana, then wrapped his arm around her shoulders. He kissed her temple as she squeezed his thigh.

  “You’re not changing your mind, are you?” she checked, locking her fingers around his.

  “Nah, just… thinking about how far we’ve come.”

  “I know right,” Luana turned towards him and Lucas did the same, “Sometimes I wake up and just burst into happy tears,” she took his free hand into hers and squeezed them both, “Look at us, big bro.

  You’ve made a million dollars in your first year of business. Natural stylists all over are using your products and selling them to their clients. Your classes online are being taken by thousands of students, and your DVD’s have been purchased by just as many. Your products are selling out almost as fast as Amazon lists them, and you’re on your way to opening your first beauty supply store in Memphis early next year.

  And that’s not even the biggest thing to be proud of; Luca is the most adorable little boy ever, and he’s practically a clone of you,” Lucas’ head lowered as he smiled in pride, “You finally came to your senses and settled down with my best friend, who’s so good for you. And above all else, you’re taking care of yourself emotionally. You look so light and you move so freely, Luke. I’m so happy and proud of you.”

  “Yea… well… you’ve got it going on too. You went about it in the right order and the right way. You married the man that you love, and now you’re carrying his child. Not only are you going to give birth to my niece or nephew soon, but you and Jax have been giving birth to the change this city needs.

  You’re the First Lady of Memphis, Luana, and your social media management business is doing amazing. You’ve set yourself up to make a hell of a lot of money by working for high profile clients, and you still have time to focus on your husband and getting your masters. Soon, you’ll be a lawyer, and there’s no doubt in my mind that you won’t be stopping there.

  The sky isn’t even the limit for you, baby sis. You’ll be too high to even let your feet touch the moon.”

  Luana giggled as she wrapped her arms around his neck and squeezed.

  “Enough of this. I’m already a crybaby and I’m twice as emotional these days.”

  Lucas chuckled as she removed herself from him and used the tip of her ring finger to catch her tears. He leaned back in his seat when Dr. Scott’s voice radiated through the sound system. Pulling his vibrating phone out of his pocket, Lucas stood and began to casually pace.

  My center: OMG I’m so freaking excited and proud of you and Ana! Show lil baby this and tell her I’m sending the both of you lots of love and positive vibes from the audience! Muah!

  Lucas smiled at the sight of Hali’s text. He walked back over to Luana and showed it to her just as Dr. Scott’s assistant called for them.

  “Awww,” Luana grabbed Lucas’ phone and pulled it closer to her face, “She’s such a sweetheart. You better do right by her, Luke. When are you going to propose?” Luana asked, holding onto his arm as they walked out of the waiting room.

  “I don’t know. Soon.”

  “What’s the hold up?”

  Lucas looked down at her as she looked up at him.

  “Ain’t one.”

  Luana smiled and shook her head as they took their places on the side of the stage.

  “You can be so country sometimes, Lucas.”

  Before he could respond, Dr. Scott was introducing them to the audience. They walked out, hand in hand, and Lucas’ eyes immediately zoomed in on Hali and Luca. Hali pointed towards them, and Luca stood up in her lap reaching for Lucas. He blew them both a subtle kiss before helping Luana into her seat.

  “Thank you so much for joining me today. Very briefly, can you let the audience know a little bit about yourselves.”

  Lucas went first and gave the simplest introduction he possibly could.

  “I’m the father of one baby boy, Luca Berry,” at the sound of his name, Luca yelled sir, getting a laugh out of mostly everyone in the audience. The only time Lucas called him by his whole name was when he was into something he shouldn’t have been, and every time he did that was Luca’s response. When his laugh faded out, Lucas ended with, “And I’m a natural haircare mogul in the making.”

  “In the making? That’s very modest of you,” Dr. Scott observed, “You’re already that. Not too many can say they made seven figures their first year in business; especially a black man under thirty. Congratulations on your success,” Lucas thanked her as the audience applauded, “And what about you, Luana?”

  “I’m the wife of Mayor Jaxon Jeffries. I have my own social media management business, and I’m working towards my masters to one day become a lawyer.”

  “Congratulations again on your wedding,” Dr. Scott turned her attention to the audience, “If anyone is in need of a social media manager, I highly recommend Luana’s services. She’s the reason a lot of you found out about this event today. Now that the audience has gotten a glimpse into your lives presently, let’s talk about what we’re here for – your pasts. Your childhoods,” Lucas slid down further in his seat and tilted his head, “Lucas, do you mind sharing with the audience what type of childhood you and your sister shared?”

  Luana’s hand immediately went to his back as she whispered, “Do you want me to?”

  Lucas smiled and shook his head. He inhaled deeply and cleared his throat. Luana may have been too emotional but Lucas wasn’t emotional at all when they were younger. All that he felt he held in, and when it came out it came out as him acting out. But between his sessions with Dr. Scott and his relationship with Hali, what used to haunt him internally was now having less and less power over him.

  “In all honesty, we really didn’t have much of a childhood. We had to grow up a lot quicker than the other kids our ages because we had to take care of ourselves. Each other.”

  “Why is that?”

  Lucas went on to explain what they had to endure because of their parents. The emotional neglect. Rejection. Abandonment. When he was done explaining, she asked Luana how that impacted them.

  “Well,” she probably didn’t even notice it, but Luana naturally leaned towards Lucas in her seat, “It made me and Luke depend on no one but each other. We were… we are… extremely close. He’s my hero,” she looked at Lucas and smiled, “He was my better and stable half,” Luana returned her attention to Dr. Scott, “On the flip side of that, with us not getting the things we needed from our parents, it did mess us up emotionally and mentally.”

  “Care to explain how, Lucas?”

  Yes, he cared not to, but he did anyway.

  “Not receiving the love, validation, affirmation, attention and affection that we needed from them made us feel like we weren’t worthy of it. For Ana, she went from one extreme of being in toxic relationships with men to the other of not wanting to be with a good man because she was afraid of what was foreign to her – unconditional love.”

  “And you?”

  Lucas shrugged and found Hali in the audience. She smiled and winked at him like he normally did her.

  “I… used to treat women as options. Used them only for sex because it was the only way I felt like I could connect with them. Never thought I was capable of showing a woman true love because I never had that example.”

  “Luana, obviously something changed because you’re married now. What led to that change in your life?”

  Luana ran her hand down her chin and throat. She was trying to keep her emotions in check. Lucas took her hand into his,
and Luana hung her head.

  “Chin up,” he whispered, getting a smile almost immediately.

  Luana lifted her head and sighed.

  “Lucas suggested therapy quite a few years ago, and I started, but I didn’t really take it seriously then. I met my husband less than two years ago, and…” she shook her head and inhaled deeply, “He was so… different. And loving. And patient. And active. And present. He was everything I needed and I was so afraid of it because like Lucas said, it was foreign to me.

  The better Jaxon treated me the harder it was for me to feel as if I deserved his love. I was that abandoned little girl all over again, and I just… didn’t know what to do with his love. I ended up pushing him away because I was afraid, but I realized in that process that it didn’t matter how good of a man he was and how much he loved me; I would never be able to accept, appreciate and return it until I dealt with my wounds and began to love myself.”

  “And how did you go about doing that?”

  “Therapy. With you.”

  “What about you, Lucas? Do you still treat women as options because your parents never made you a priority?”

  His eyes found Hali again.

  “Nah. In fact; I have the most amazing woman at my side. She’s… my center. My balance. My peace. Definitely my priority,” they shared a small smile as Hali blushed, “She’s… love in human form to me. The fruition of the thing I never thought existed. The thing I never thought I’d be able to experience.”

  “What made you give her that place in your life, Lucas? I imagine it must’ve been hard to release that fear and those misconceptions.”

  His attention returned to Dr. Scott as Hali wiped her eyes. It wasn’t long before Luca was looking up at her and using his tiny hands to do the same. The gesture had Lucas looking at them again… wondering what in the hell was keeping him from just telling her that she was going to marry him right then and there.

  “Lucas?”

  “Yea, I’m sorry. What was the question?”

  Dr. Scott smiled as she realized what and who held his attention.

  “What brought about that change in your life?”

  Shanice came to mind. He didn’t want to give her one second of the breath it took to explain his situation with her, but if the whole point of the conference was to help someone else heal… he had to.

  “The simplest way to explain it is to say that God showed me that I was attracting my mother in every woman I met and that I was becoming my father by the way I treated them. It took him tying me to a woman who was so much like my mother that it forced me to realize that the only way for me to overcome my past was to overstand the situation by experiencing it personally.”

  Dr. Scott sat up in her seat and smiled.

  “I love how you just said something so deep that probably went over a lot of people’s heads and said that was the simple way to explain it,” she chuckled quietly and clasped her hands together, “I want you to break your statement down piece by piece. Tell the audience what you mean by attracting your mother and becoming your father, and please explain why this is an important thing to understand.”

  “I firmly believe in things being generational. Strongholds, patterns, mentalities, wealth. A lot of black families today don’t have wealth because their ancestors didn’t have wealth. For every dollar of wealth that a white family has a black family has six cents. Our parents are working jobs just to get by, and when they are financially stable, a lot of times it’s to make another person or company rich. We don’t own businesses and create our own wealth like we should.

  When I realized that I became fascinated with owning my own business. Along with me studying generational wealth, I also realized how other things flow consistently through our bloodlines. That’s why a single mother can raise four children who end up having their children out of wedlock. Or how a father not being in the picture can lead to his sons walking out on their kids. Or how certain addictions and diseases can run rampant in some families and never touch others. It’s transferred from generation to generation because it runs in our bloodlines.

  My father’s parents didn’t give him the love and attention he needed because they wanted him to be tough and strong. He sought that attention from women and ended up getting my mother pregnant. He turned around and did the same thing that his parents did to him because his father’s parents did it to him and he did it to us.

  When I met the mother of my child I was immediately drawn to her because she was just like my mother. She was a mirror into my past. What I was familiar with. I had a child with her and married her to continue on that same cycle of being with a woman I didn’t love. I thought it was okay because I planned on giving my son the love and attention I never received, but I had to realize that it didn’t matter how much love I gave him… he would still be lacking the nurture and love he needed from his mother because of the woman I chose to let grow my seed. I wouldn’t have been able to teach him how to love a woman so the cycle, although I partially stopped it, would’ve continued on with him.

  That realization is what gave me the desire to completely sever that stronghold of abandonment and rejection from our bloodline. And the only way for me to do that was to love and be loved. To be with a woman who was a mirror to my past, present and my future. A woman who could love my son just as much as she would a child she birthed, and that’s who I’m with right now.”

  “Wow,” Dr. Scott sat back in her seat with a smile, “Now you were just going to hold all that in, weren’t you? Can you go into detail about overcoming by overstanding through personal experience? First, break down the definition of overstand for those who may not be familiar with the term.”

  “When you overstand something you are able to comprehend an idea, thing or situation and you also comprehend the purpose of it and why it is the way it is. It’s a deeper level of understanding and awareness. When you understand something, you have knowledge of it, but you accept it as it is on a blind or shallow level. Like the first layer of a cake. When you overstand something, you are aware of every layer and the purpose it serves.

  I’ll give you an example – you can understand that drug companies make more money reducing symptoms of illnesses, diseases and cancers and then there are others who overstand that drug companies will eventually run out of business if they created and sold medicine that cured illnesses, diseases and cancers, so they set themselves up to consistently make more money by reducing the symptoms of those things.

  For me personally, I understood that it was unhealthy for the generational abandonment to continue, but when my son was born, my eyes were opened to the fact that I was just as responsible for continuing that on if I didn’t stop it completely. Being in that same situation personally with the mother of my child gave me the awareness necessary to overstand the situation, and in turn make the necessary changes needed to stop it from repeating itself again through him.

  The most basic way to think about it is this – when it comes down to your life, you can understand something and stand under it and let it rule over you or you can overstand something and overcome it and rule over it. When Jesus healed the paralytic man, he left holding the mat that once held him. It’s out of our hands the families we are born in and the ways that our parents bring us up.

  You have two choices – you can understand that fact and do nothing to change it. Spend the rest of your days like that paralytic man lying on that mat of birthed strongholds, diseases, disorders, poverty and addictions and whatever else your parents cursed you with, or you can overstand that, take control of your life and overcome those curses, create your own path to walk down and pick up your mat. I picked up my mat when I started therapy with you. I’ve been walking further into blessings ever since.”

  Dr. Scott looked from Lucas to Luana as she shook her head.

  “I… have absolutely nothing else to say after that. Nothing but, for years and generations we as a people have pushed our issues under the rug. We don’t seek
the professional help we need out of pride, shame and a tradition of thinking what happens in a house should stay in that house. These two are what can happen if you take control of your lives and mental health and wealth by seeking the help you need. Two siblings, once so weighed down with insecurities and feelings of unworthiness… now living lives that are filled with love, family and purpose. This is what can happen for you too, if only you take the initiative to practice self-care.

  As Lucas said, pick up the mat and walk. It doesn’t have to be with me; there are numerous counselors in Memphis to choose from. All I ask is that you choose. We are at war with far too many people over far too many things. We have to stop being at war with ourselves and our pasts. We’re going to take a small intermission here and give you all time to sign up for a session with myself or one of the other attending counselors. The next discussion will start in thirty minutes.”

  13

  Hali

  Hali didn’t think her day could get any better. First, she woke up to breakfast in bed served by her two favorite men in life. As if that wasn’t enough in itself to make her have a great morning, she received a call saying one of the books that she created the cover for was getting widespread fame. Not only had the children’s book hit number one on the New York Times Bestseller list, but there was also talk of it being turned into a movie or show. Hali logged into her email account and was bombarded with requests from publishers and authors alike trying to secure her services.

  After breakfast, Lucas treated Hali to a day at the spa. For an entire five hours, she was pampered with a manicure and pedicure, pre-shower, hot tub session, two different types of massages, a facial and body and foot scrub, vitamin C steam shower, paraffin wax and they topped it all off with a chair and foot massage.

  Her seafood lunch was catered and accompanied by her favorite strawberry cheesecake and ever flowing lemon mimosas. By the time her session was done she was ready for dinner but was so relaxed that she fell asleep on the way home. When she woke up, it was to Lucas placing soft kisses on her lips. She smiled, and he tried to move and give her time to wake up, but Hali held him there and savored him for a little while longer.