Loving Neil

by Ronald Bagliere

  He gave her a puzzled look. “Why?”

  Janet forced a smile. “You know Meg can’t stand a cluttered countertop.”

  He nodded. “This is good,” he said, dipping in for another bite. “Is that piece of cake mine, too?”

  “Yes. It’s your birthday cake. Megan made it for you.” God, this is getting hard and it’s only going to get worse. As Janet sat in her musing, the phone rang. Kyle picked it up. “Hey Nate! What’s doing?”

  Janet’s ears pricked.

  “Uh-huh, right,” Kyle said. “Yeah, we heard about that … Keep your head low man … Yeah, we’re doing cake and cream for him right now … What? Yeah, she’s right here. Hey, great talking to ya. Aunt Janet, it’s Nate.”

  Janet came beside him and took the phone.

  “Nate, hi honey. How are you?”

  “I’m good. I can’t talk long. It’s pretty late over here, but I just wanted say happy birthday to Dad.”

  “Well, he’s right here,” she said taking the phone over to the table. She put her hand over the receiver and said, “Neil, it’s Nate. He’s calling to wish you a happy birthday.”

  “Hello, Nate,” Neil said. “Yes, I’m having a good time. Yes, having cake and cream. Where are you? Najaf, where’s that? … uh-huh. What’re you doing there? … Working with the locals. Sounds interesting. By the way, when are you coming home? Your mother misses you … Oh, okay. Well, you take care of yourself. Here’s your mother.”

  Janet put the phone to her ear. “Nate, you still there?”

  “Yes … Dad’s getting a lot worse, isn’t he?”

  “Yes, honey,” she said. The last thing Nate needed was to be worrying about his father, but there was nothing that could be done about it. “Are you eating okay?”

  “I’m doing. It’ll be okay, Mom. Look, there’s guys piled up behind me waiting to get on the phone so I gotta go. I love you and tell Sis I said, hi.”

  “Okay. Be good. Love you.” The line went dead and with it, Janet was reminded of the fleeting moments that were occurring less and less between Nate and Neil.

  On the way home from Megan’s, Janet thought about her future as she drove. Her husband, who sat beside her with eyes closed, was sinking into the oblivion of dementia and her father, though still energetic and sharp, was heading toward eighty. How much longer could she expect him to pick up the slack? Up until recently, she had pushed such thoughts away, but they were ganging up on her now. She turned off the interstate onto the arterial, heading west toward the Heights, and glanced in the rear view mirror at him gazing out the window.

  “Thanks for talking with Megan,” she said calling softly over her shoulder.

  Her father stirred. “Don’t mention it honey. Maybe we should’ve warned her a little more, don’t you think?”

  Janet nodded. “I guess it never occurred to me. When you live in the middle of it, you don’t see the changes as clearly as someone outside of it does.”

  “I know,” he answered back. “It hit her hard today. I have a feeling you’re going see a lot more of her in the future.”

  They fell into their own thoughts a moment, until she said, “Do you ever resent me? I mean for begging you to move in with us?”

  He wrinkled his brow. “No, why would you ask that?”

  “I don’t know. You were doing fine; going where you wanted, when you wanted, and now, you’re sort of stuck watching Neil. I just wonder.”

  Her father leaned forward and put his hand on the back of her seat. “Skeeter, I don’t do anything I don’t want to. I came because you needed me. ‘Nough said, okay?”

  She reached back and put her hand over her father’s bony fingers. “Right boss.”

  “‘Sides,” he added, “living alone isn’t all what it’s cracked up to be. Trust me on that one.”

  “It was good hearing from Nate and Trevor,” she said.

  “I didn’t know Trevor called. When?”

  “Shortly before we left. You were outside, I think.”

  “Oh, right. How is he?”

  “He’s good,” she said. She remembered what Megan said to her out on the deck and pressed her lips together. She had never considered Megan’s feelings about bringing Trevor back into their lives. But Neil was Janet’s husband, and her priority. Bottom line: it made him happy, and hopefully at some point, Megan would make peace with her brother. Or maybe even forgive him. That wasn’t such a terrible thing, was it?

  An hour later Janet turned into their long looping driveway. The sun had set over the western hills, and a multitude of glittering stars shone from a black sky. She rounded the tall privet, and as she pulled up to the front door, she saw a car she didn’t recognize parked in the turn-around. It had California plates, and its front door opened as she threw her car in park and got out.

  “Can I help you?” she said, clenching her fingers around her keys.

  “As a matter of fact, you can,” the man said.

  “Mick? What are you doing here? I haven’t seen you in ages,” she said, letting out a breath she didn’t know she was holding.

  “I was in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by.”

  “In the neighborhood?” she said. “Seattle isn’t exactly a quick drive down the block from here.”

  “Actually, it’s San Francisco now,” he replied. He put out his hand to William. “Long time, no see. Sheeze, this is quite the spread. You win the lottery?”

  “Not quite.” Although there had been a time when it felt like it. “How’s Sandra?”

  “She’s fine.”

  “And Vicky?” she said, going around to get Neil unbuckled.

  Mick smiled. “Teaching Graphic Design at SFU. Sandy got her into the department four years ago. You look great!”

  “Thanks. So what’re doing here?” she said, bending down and gently nudging Neil. “Hey sleepy head, we have a visitor.”

  Neil opened his eyes and stared at her. “Home?”

  “Yes.” She helped him out and brought him around the front of the car. “You remember Mick, don’t you dear?”

  Neil swayed, his gaze wandering, and as it did, she saw Mick’s smile leave his face. His glance darted back and forth between Neil and her. At last, he said, “Hey, Neil. How are ya?”

  “I’m fine.” He turned to Janet and said, “Can we go in?”

  She led the way to the front door and opened it. Cleo waited on the other side, tail wagging and tongue lolling out of his mouth. She ordered the hound to the other room and said to Neil, “Why don’t you head off to bed, and I’ll be along after awhile?”

  “Okay.” He turned and left without another word.

  She watched Neil as he jerked his way across the Great Room with her father tagging along. Although, she didn’t share a bed with her husband anymore, she still made it a point to join him until he fell off to sleep.

  “So, can I get you something to drink?” she said to Mick.

  “Yeah sure. Whatever’s available.” He followed her out to the kitchen and said, “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?” she replied opening the refrigerator door.

  When he didn’t reply, she knew all that needed to be said had been said. She handed Mick his soda and poured a glass of milk. Neil liked warm milk and honey before bed. She put the glass in the microwave. “So, tell me. What brings you here, cause I know it’s more than just a how-do-you-do?”

  He took a gulp of his soda as Cleo wandered in. Bending down, he gave the dog a good scratch behind the ear. “Actually, it’s you.”

  “Me?”

  “Yeah. I work for a little magazine. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? The Sierra?”

  “Yeah, just a little!”

  “Well, they liked your last effort. You’ve won an Ansel Adams,” he said with a broad grin. “Usually the winner’s notified by mail, but I thought I’d come up and do it in person.”

  Janet couldn’t believe it. She had been sending in submissions for the award for the last couple of years, mostly to
pacify Neil. Finally, she found her voice. “You’re kidding?”

  “No, not this time,” he said. “I always knew you were the best. Now, there’s proof. There’s going to be a press release soon.” He stood up and turned his gaze toward the hallway Neil had gone down a moment ago. “Can you break free on a dime and get down for the awards ceremony?”

  She took a deep breath, trying to keep her legs under her. “I think so.”

  Mick narrowed his dark gray eyes on her. “I need more than an I-think-so, Janet. Can you commit or not? We’ll fly you down, but you gotta be ready when the time comes.”

  Janet bit her lip. Neil had always wanted this for her, but that was when he had his mind intact. He needed her now, or did he? To be honest, she couldn’t say if she needed to feel needed or if she really was needed. She closed her eyes as the war of ‘go’ or ‘not to go’ waged inside her. Finally, she said, “Okay, I’m there.”

  “Great,” he said. “Now that we’ve got that out of the way, tell me how you got all this, and don’t leave out any details.”

  Janet grinned. “You’ll never believe it, but first, I need to take care of something.” She pulled the milk from the microwave and added a dollop of honey. “I’ll be back in a bit. In the mean time, help yourself to whatever you want in the fridge.”

  After she settled Neil into bed, she joined Mick and Cleo on the deck and talked well into the night about life, work, and family. Eventually, the conversation drifted to Neil.

  Mick took a swallow of soda and looked up into the night sky. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m doing.”

  He nodded. “Good. I know how hard it can be. Sandra’s father’s the same way … well, you know.”

  She eyed him. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sort of beats you up sometimes, doesn’t it? Life, that is.”

  “Yeah, it does. But, you know what? I wouldn’t trade a day of my life for some stupid dream if Neil weren’t in it. He’s my life. Everything I am is wound up inside him like a big knot. I couldn’t untangle it even if I wanted to.”

  “Same way I feel about Sandra. So, what’re ya going do, now that you’re a big star? People’ll be flocking to ya like locusts, ya know.”

  “Will you stop?” she said, swatting his arm. “But seriously, nothing. I’m gonna be who I am.”

  “Yeah, I figured. You never let things go to your head. Hey, it’s getting late. I better get going.”

  “We have an extra room,” Janet said, not wanting the night to end.

  “I wouldn’t want to impose.”

  Janet rolled her eyes. “Nonsense.”

  He wavered, seemingly debating the offer and said, “You sure?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Well, perhaps. You have anything stronger than soda?”

  Janet grinned. “As a matter of fact, I do.”

  26

  The press release for Janet’s Ansel Adam’s award happened yesterday morning with the ceremony later last night. Janet sat at a small, round table in her hotel room, nibbling on a Danish while perusing the paper. Turning the page, she glanced out the window at the heavy fog blanketing the bay bridge as the radio babbled on the nightstand next to her unmade bed. This weekend was the first time she had been away from Neil overnight in, well, she couldn’t remember how long. It felt odd being alone–stranger yet, to be out of routine. She read an article, half paying attention to the words and folded the paper. Her flight wasn’t until later that afternoon, and she felt restless.

  She opened her travel bag, pulling out her itinerary. Maybe she’d go for a walk after she showered. Right now, she felt adrift in an uncertain future, and it frightened her. She eyed the complimentary blank pad and pencil on the table, pulled them in front of her and began to write.

  You sleep five hundred miles away, yet I can almost feel you here beside me. I wonder if you know I’m gone or if you miss me? Sometimes I think you’re evaporating right in front of my eyes.

  I remember the night we met. You came along in that big old truck of yours and pulled me out of the snow bank. Who would’ve thought we’d ever meet again, let alone get married? We put up with a lot from each other didn’t we husband?

  Do you know I can still see you wading into the surf the day I first took you to my beach? It’s like yesterday–you rolling up your pant legs and splashing in the water.

  I’ll always love you, and I’ll keep telling you that so you won’t forget. I’ll tell you about our wedding on the beach and how you kissed me when you found out I was pregnant. You’ll know how you looked at Nate when you held him right after he was born.

  And I will tell you about the house you built for me, the excitement in your eyes as you planned every detail, right down to finding a place for Barney to rest.

  These are the things I’ll tell you every day so you won’t forget. Ever!

  She folded the page and sat thinking about what she had written. Until now, she avoided thinking about these things. They were just too painful as if doing so gave them life. But she couldn’t keep her feelings away any longer or deny the steady gnawing pain. Am I giving up? She wrapped her arms around the tablet and held it to her chest tightly as she battled the dark thoughts threatening to overwhelm her.

  I can’t–I won’t! He wouldn’t give up on me–ever! I need to get out of here.

  As Janet strode down the walk, the smells of coffee and pastries and flowering trees wafted around her. Above, birds darted back and forth from rooftops and ledges and swooped down to the walk to steal breadcrumbs or whatever else could be found. A street car motored along under the network of wires tying the city together as merchants opened their doors for another day of business.

  She ducked into a coffee shop and grabbed a latte and continued her walk toward the wharves. As she joined in with the tide of people heading to unknown destinations, she pulled her cell phone from her purse and punched in her home number.

  “Hello? Oh, Megan! I wasn’t expecting you,” Janet said.

  “I spent the night,” Megan answered. “Had to get out of the house. How’d the awards go?”

  “Okay,” Janet said, knowing Brad and her had probably had another fight. “Not what I expected.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yeah, it was more like a who’s who all trying to outdo each other,” Janet said. “I left early.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Not a big deal,” Janet said. “How’s Neil? Is he up yet?”

  “No, still asleep. Your father and I are having a cup of coffee. You want to talk to him?”

  “Sure.” When her father picked up, Janet said, “Hello? Dad?”

  “Hey, Skeeter. How’s my girl?”

  “Ready to come home. How’s Neil?”

  “He’s good,” her father replied.

  “Is he taking his meds without a hassle?”

  “Not a problem,” her father said.

  “Liar,” Janet quipped. “So, are you two going to the gardening club meeting this afternoon?”

  “Thinking on it. I have a doctor’s appointment this morning first. When’s your flight due?”

  “‘Round eight-thirty tonight.” She paused. “So, I see you have company.”

  “Yeah,” Her father said in a playful tone. “We were just talking about you.”

  “I bet,” Janet volleyed back. She paused and dropped into a serious tone. “She all right?”

  She heard her father clear his throat on other end. “We’ll talk later. So, what are you up to?”

  “Shopping. Heading down to the wharf to get Neil a little something.” She sipped her latte as she walked. “By the way, did he say anything about my not being there last night?”

  “No, but I think he felt your absence,” her father said. “He was restless. Look, I hate to cut this short, but I need to get myself around. Have to be downtown in an hour. You want to talk to Megan?”

  “Sure. Hey, Dad?”

  “Yeah?”

  “I Love you.”
/>   “I Love you, too, Skeeter. Here’s Megan.”

  “Hi Jan,” Megan said, coming on the phone. “So, how’s Mick?”

  “Mick is Mick. His wife is a real looker, and boy does she keep him in line. But they are so in love. She’s so good for Mick. They’re good for each other.”

  “That’s great?” Megan said, and fell silent.

  Janet felt tears on the other end. “Hey Meg, you okay?”

  “Yeah, I’m all right,” Megan answered after a moment. She snuffed and continued, “He was just being an ass. Bitching about how I don’t understand what he’s going through at work and shit. That all I care about is my father. It’s always about him, you know.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’m where I wanna be.” Megan cleared her throat. “Gonna do any shopping? I hear there are some fab boutiques in San Fran.”

  “No, just gonna pick up something for Neil. Give him a hug for me?”

  “Absolutely. Speaking of my father, I better go check on him. Things are rather quiet in the other room. You have a safe trip and I’ll see you soon.”

  “Okay. Keep him out of trouble,” Janet replied, forcing a smile. If there were a way of getting home right now, she’d be on the next flight.

  The days of summer slipped by, and with them, so did Neil’s memory. Each night, Janet wrestled with a decision that was looming larger and larger in her mind. But always the answer remained: ‘Not yet.’ Added to her fears, was her father’s failing appetite. Often, she’d seen him grimace when he thought no one was watching, and if someone did see, he passed it off as heartburn or indigestion. She tried to avoid thinking something was wrong, but something inside her warned her against it. Finally, the need to know won out after spying him nearly doubled over in pain the other night. She called Megan the next morning and asked her to come down and stay with Neil for the evening so she could take her father to dinner.

  She sat with him at Jake’s away from the crowded and noisy bar. Her father was in his favorite charcoal gray pullover sweater and tan Dockers. As he cut his steak, she watched him discreetly while nibbling her cob salad.

  “Are you feeling alright?” she said, setting her fork down.