Fisher of Men

by Pam Rhodes

  He went over to speak to Elsie and was appalled to see her cheeks were damp with tears. Reaching out, he put his arms around her and held her close to him. Her frail body trembled and he knew she was crying. She said nothing, but then, words weren’t needed. He understood her utter despair that a life of purpose and fulfilment should peter out this way. All the nurses saw was an old lady who needed to be looked after. They didn’t know what she was, what she always had been, the person within. They were too busy serving tea and changing sheets. They were doing what they were paid to do, nothing less and certainly nothing more.

  He stayed with her for as long as he could, then when he could see she was tiring, he took his leave. Deep in thought as he walked down the corridor away from her room, he almost didn’t hear the call from one of the rooms.

  “Hello, Vicar! Have you heard my news?”

  Neil stopped, then back-tracked to put his head around the door of what had probably been the master bedroom in years gone by. It was one of only a couple of rooms which were for double occupancy, suitable for a married couple or, in this case, for Milly and Hetty, two sisters in their late eighties who, from the little Neil knew of them, seemed to have a bit of a love/hate relationship. It was the younger sister, Milly, who hailed him. Hetty was nowhere to be seen.

  “I haven’t, Milly. What news is that?”

  “About my win!”

  “What did you win?”

  “It was in the paper, something about a new local radio station starting or something. Apparently they’ve managed to get themselves one of those digital licences and they had a competition in the paper to celebrate. I didn’t have to do much, just filled in my name and address on the coupon. I got that nurse, Jessie, to post it off for me – and blow me down if I didn’t win!”

  “What was the prize?”

  “Well, that’s the best thing. It’s a radio – one of those new-fangled things with buttons that you push to get the stations. It’s marvellous!”

  “That’s great, Milly. Hetty must be pleased too. You both enjoy listening to the radio, don’t you?”

  “Well, I love it, but I’ve never had my own radio before. The old one on the shelf that we’ve always listened to belongs to Hetty. It came from her house when we both moved here. The only thing is that she’s never let me to listen to it unless she’s in the room, so sometimes I’ve missed the programmes I especially like.”

  “So you won’t have that problem now, then?”

  Milly beckoned to him to come closer.

  “Actually,” she whispered as he knelt down to her level, “it’s very sad, really. Just after the new radio arrived, one of Hetty’s books tumbled off the shelf and knocked her radio on to the floor too. It looked all right, but she can’t get any sound out of it at all now. She’d had it for years, you know. She cried. Can you believe that? She was so upset, it broke her heart. She said how wonderful it was that the new radio had arrived just at the right time.”

  “It certainly was,” said Neil.

  “Yes,” agreed Milly, “because it meant that I was able to say to her, ‘Push off and get your own!’”

  And throwing her head back, Milly opened her mouth, which seemed to have more gums than teeth, and cackled with laughter.

  CHAPTER 11

  Occasionally, when there were too many people and too much going on in the Church Centre, Neil took himself and his computer off to hide. That Saturday morning, with Christmas looming and so many special services to plan, he did exactly that – which meant that he was sitting at the ancient table in the vestry, engrossed in sorting out hymn-sheets and prayers for the local junior school carol service planned for first thing Monday morning, when his train of thought was broken by voices which became louder as the people involved apparently walked down the aisle towards the front of the church. It didn’t take long to identify that the insistent tirade came from Glenda Fellowes, whilst the much quieter responses could be deciphered as the voice of her husband Peter.

  “That’s not fair! I didn’t do anything!”

  “That’s the trouble, though, isn’t it Peter? You don’t ever do anything!”

  “How would you know what I do? You spend all the time you can down at that job in London! You’re rarely here!”

  “May I remind you, Peter, that job in London pays the bills? If we had to rely on what you bring in nowadays, we’d be out on the street!”

  “Don’t be ridiculous! We’ve got a perfectly good home that’s all bought and paid for. The kids have grown up and left. My pension pot is very decent, and I made a tidy sum when I sold the estate agency. We’re very comfortable – and at our age, how much more could we possibly need beyond all that?”

  “Need? Need!” Glenda spat the word out. “I need a partner who recognizes the value of my position in life! I need a husband who appreciates how exhausting and difficult every day is for me! I need someone who is proud that I am at the top of my career – and still rising! I need someone who encourages and supports me and doesn’t drag me down with boring trivialities all the time! If the washing machine is broken, don’t bother me with it – get a new one! You do the washing anyway…”

  “I wouldn’t dream of making such a major purchase without consulting my wife!”

  “Well, this wife isn’t interested in washing machines or carpet cleaning or the comparative costs of electricity and petrol prices. I haven’t got time for things like that. I’m busy, don’t you understand, you very stupid man? I have a life! You’ve given up on your career. I didn’t agree with you selling the estate agency, but you sold out anyway – so live with it! Stop whingeing, stop bothering me with irrelevant details – and get on with it!”

  There was the sound of angry footsteps stomping down the aisle before the church door was opened and left to close with a shudder.

  Neil sat glued to his chair, uncertain whether to sit tight or to make his presence known. In the end, a decision wasn’t needed because a minute or so later, the vestry door opened and Peter walked in. He was plainly shocked and embarrassed to find that their conversation had been overheard. He pulled out a chair and sat down heavily.

  “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have had to listen to that, especially not in the church…”

  “It’s OK. In some ways, I’m glad I did. I didn’t realize you were under so much pressure.”

  “Am I? Glenda always makes me feel as if I do nothing at all. I’m worthless, capable of nothing.”

  “You are one of the most efficient and capable people I’ve ever met. This place would never run so well if it weren’t for you.”

  “Nothing I do here matters to Glenda.”

  “But it matters to you, Peter, and it matters to everyone who worships here. You must never doubt the value of the contribution you make.”

  Peter sighed. “I doubt everything. I doubt my worth. I doubt my ability. I doubt my judgment. And I doubt my marriage…”

  “How long have you and Glenda been together?”

  “We should be celebrating our thirtieth anniversary next year.”

  “Well, that’s a wonderful achievement!”

  Peter almost smiled, but there was no warmth in his eyes. “Isn’t it! Quite an achievement, bearing in mind the fact that my wife can’t stand me!”

  “And how do you feel about her?”

  “How do I feel about Glenda?” Peter leaned back in his chair to consider the answer. “I suppose I must still love her, because we’ve lived together for so many years that it must have taken love for me to have stayed with her all that time. But I’m not sure what sort of love that is now. Shouldn’t love be based on sharing, mutual respect, support, understanding, caring and, most of all, friendship? If I’m honest, Neil, I’m not sure that our relationship now has any of those qualities. We’re not friends. We’re not involved or interested in each other’s lives. We have so little in common.”

  “You’re parents. You share your children.”

  “But they’ve long gone. One’s
down in Brighton, the other’s in Scotland! We don’t see much of them, and I’m really rather pleased to know that they’re doing well enough not to need us these days.”

  “What about marriage counselling? Perhaps it would be good for the two of you to go and talk things through with someone?”

  “You need to want the marriage to work for that.”

  “And you don’t?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  “And Glenda? What do you think she wants?”

  “I haven’t really understood what Glenda wants for years – apart from her job and status and admiration from everyone she meets.”

  “Peter, I’m so sorry. It’s awful to see how unhappy you are.”

  Peter’s head dropped, and Neil felt slightly out of his depth as he suspected the older man was crying. Respectfully, Neil sat in silence, uncertain how to continue. Eventually, it was Peter who spoke.

  “It could all be so different…”

  “With Glenda?”

  “No.” Peter looked up and into Neil’s eyes. “Not with Glenda. With someone else…”

  Neil nodded slowly. There was no need to mention Val’s name. They both knew who Peter was talking about.

  Peter’s shoulders slumped. “That’s no answer, though. I could never break my vows in that way.”

  “Have you seriously considered it?”

  “Honestly, I think about little else, but there’s no point in it. It can’t happen. Val and I accept that.”

  “Does Glenda know how you feel?”

  “That would involve her being interested enough to care. No, I don’t think she has any idea at all. As far as she’s concerned, my life begins and ends with her.”

  They both sat for a while, considering the hopelessness of the situation.

  “I’m not sure how much good it would do, but would you like me to have a quiet word with Glenda?”

  Peter smiled grimly. “Thanks, Neil, but there’s no such thing as a ‘quiet word’ where Glenda’s concerned. Besides, she’d eat you for breakfast!”

  Gulping at the thought, Neil nodded in grateful agreement.

  “And she’d be appalled that I had dragged someone else into our problems.”

  “But that’s why I’m here, to be alongside people when they’ve got problems on their minds. I know I’m new to this – and I can’t help but agree with you that Glenda would make mincemeat of me – but have you considered talking things through with Margaret? She’s so much more experienced than me.”

  “Oh, Margaret knows our situation well enough. Val and I have both talked to her quite openly about how we feel. As a wife herself and as our friend, she is sympathetic about our situation – but of course, as our minister, she is committed to support the Christian marriage that Glenda and I both promised to undertake.”

  Neil nodded with understanding.

  “You must think very badly of me,” continued Peter.

  “Not at all,” was Neil’s quick reply.

  “But don’t you find it unforgivable that I, who profess to be a Christian, should have deep feelings for a woman who is not my wife?”

  “You’re a human being. Humans are fallible. God knows that.”

  “Every time I hear about sins and sinners in our services, I feel as if it’s directed straight at me. I am a sinner…”

  “But that’s the heart of our faith, isn’t it, that Christ died for our sins? And as far as I can tell, you haven’t actually done anything wrong. You have drawn back from an improper relationship with Val, and you are committed to your marriage. And from what I understand, you have no intention of breaking that commitment, have you?”

  Peter’s shoulders visibly slumped. “No, I can’t do that. Glenda and I are bound together ‘until death do us part’. But I have to say, Neil, that I feel overwhelmed with guilt every time I think about how much I’d like to break my wedding vows and choose another life.”

  “Thoughts aren’t actions, Peter. God knows that.”

  “So thoughts they will have to stay,” replied Peter, pushing back his chair to stand up. “I need to sort out those extra chairs for the Women’s Institute service this afternoon.”

  “I’ll come and help you. I could do with a bit of exercise!” grinned Neil, and together the two men headed towards the back corner of the church where the spare seats were stacked.

  With just a week and a half to go until Christmas Day, Neil looked around the faces in the church hall as the playgroup nativity play was about to start. Mums, dads, grandparents – for all of them, this was the highlight of the year, an occasion they would remember forever, even when their children had grown and flown. Many of the faces he now recognized, and several members of the gathering audience had come up to say hello as they arrived. He had been in the hall for a couple of hours helping Barbara and the other playgroup leaders to lay out the chairs and set up the stage, and now the same teachers were leading in a crocodile of children, all of them looking delightfully homely with tea towels on their heads as men of Bethlehem, carrying fluffy toy sheep to show they were shepherds, or wearing wings and a tinsel halo if they were angels. The twins, Jake and Nathan, were looking splendid in crowns and cloaks, each carrying an interesting-looking “precious gift” wrapped in silver foil. Neil looked around for their mother, Linda, thinking that he hadn’t had much chance to talk to her in recent weeks, and wondering how she was getting on with her husband, John, as his illness developed. After scanning the hall, he suddenly spotted them just along the row from him, and although their attention was fixed on their sons at that moment, he could see that they were sitting with their hands entwined.

  Neil smiled to himself. After all the soul-searching and turmoil they had been through, it seemed that Linda had found it in her heart after all to work around, if not actually forgive, John’s affair, and be with him as he battled with cancer. When Neil had last spoken to Linda, she had said that John seemed to be responding to chemotherapy – but at that time, it was very early days not just for his treatment, but also for their badly shaken relationship. John looked pale and thinner than Neil remembered him. There was no denying the battle he was facing. Neil closed his eyes for a moment to offer up a small prayer of thanks, and to ask for further blessing on the family. He had no doubt that prayers had helped so far, and with all they still had to face, Linda and John needed God’s blessing more than ever.

  Frank slipped into the seat beside him, and they both watched as Margaret joined Barbara to make last-minute adjustments.

  “I never tire of watching this,” said Frank quietly. “It reminds me of when Margaret and I sat in a hall like this watching our own children when they were small. Where did the years go?”

  Neil smiled. “It will be such a special memory for all the parents here right now.”

  “I expect you’ll be one of them some day.”

  “Be a dad, you mean? I think I’ve got a while to go yet!”

  “Hasn’t Wendy got you organized, then? I thought it was only a matter of formality before you two named the day!”

  Neil blushed bright red at the thought that he was being discussed that way.

  “Heavens, is that what everyone thinks?”

  “More important than that, what do you and Wendy think?”

  “I can only speak for myself, I suppose,” said Neil slowly, “but honestly, I don’t feel ready for marriage and children yet. I’m still getting to grips with the whole idea of being in a relationship with Wendy. It still feels a bit new to me.”

  “That’s fair enough. You are twenty-six now though, aren’t you? When do you think you might feel ready to settle down?”

  “Good question,” grinned Neil. “I don’t think it’s got much to do with how old I am. I just don’t feel that I’ve had enough experience or know enough about myself to risk someone else’s happiness and welfare right now.”

  “Oh,” was Frank’s cryptic reply. “Does Wendy know that?”

  “We’ve never discussed marriage �
� and I’m far too scared to bring the subject up, so I’ve no idea what she thinks.”

  “But are you being completely honest when you say you have no idea of her intentions towards you?”

  Neil thought for a moment, then turned to look at Frank as he answered. “I’ve not really allowed myself to think about her vision of the future, because I’m not ready to think about it myself. But you could be right. For all I know, in her own mind she may have our wedding completely planned by now.”

  “And your reaction to that is…?”

  “Sheer panic!”

  Frank laughed, but quite quickly became serious as he spoke. “Well, that’s understandable, but don’t allow yourself to be carried along with someone else’s idea of your future unless you are completely sure that what they want is what you truly want too. You are a long time married. You need to be absolutely certain that the partner you choose to spend your life with is completely comfortable and right for you. A wrong choice will ruin your chance of fulfilment, contentment and peace of mind. Choose wisely.”

  “As you did with Margaret?”

  “As I most certainly did. I was drawn to her from the first moment I saw her. Why? Well, there’s a good question. It wasn’t her looks because, even then, I felt her true beauty was much more than skin deep. It definitely wasn’t her sense of style, because she would have laughed out loud if I had even suggested she had one! It wasn’t just that sense of humour either, even though we were always able to laugh together. If I had to put my finger on it, I think it was her inherent instinct for just the right way to deal with people and situations which drew me to her, rather than anything to do with her academic achievements – although they were impressive too. I suppose it might have been rather appealing and very helpful if she’d been comfortably off for money, but in fact we were both rather glad that we shared the experience of coming from very modest backgrounds. All I can say is that she stood out as a shining star compelling me to be alongside her warmth and goodness.”