I quash the urge, but only just, and pick my head up to meet his livid eyes. Oh man, he really is not pleased to have me invading his room.
“I, needed to talk to you?”
His lips turn up in what I can only describe as a sneer and he shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
“You’ve brought all your clothes back in here. I do not want you in here. At all. So I suggest you get to work removing them back to your room and then please, stay out of my way.”
“But Dev.”
It’s hard to talk when he turns away and walks into the closet, his firm ass bunching deliciously beneath the damp white towel, giving me a mouth-watering view of the muscles I’d been privileged to squeeze only nights ago.
Dammit, I want those buns back. And the abs and the mouth and hands. Oh and the di-
“Stop eyeballing me and get up. You have an hour to move all of your belongings to the other room or-”
“What? What will you do huh? I’m not moving, I’m staying right here where I belong and that’s that.” I say, finally finding my tongue when he pulls on a pair of boxer briefs and pulls slacks from a hanger.
That statement has him coming up short and I watch his face harden as he zips himself up and comes storming back to the bed, his eyes so cold I want to shrink back and agree to anything as long as he stops looking at me that way.
“What?”
“You, you heard me.” I stammer, grinding me teeth in an effort not to cry. “I’m not moving. This is my bed too.”
“No. This is my bed. The bed I had to beg you to come to if I remember correctly.”
Oh Lord. Am I gonna have to hear about this for the rest of my freaking life! I hope so since that would mean that we’d still be together and fighting as usual. Oh, the dreams I have.
“Yeah, but I did get in here eventually and I like it here.”
Good Slade, stand your ground.
His nostrils flare for a beat before he nods and stalks into the closet.
“Fine. I’ll move.”
“Uh, you’re wasting your time Devon.” I sing to his retreating back, my lips curving into a smile I don’t feel. “I’ll just keep moving to wherever you are.”
“Oh for God sake! What do you want from me!” he yells, throwing the armful of clothes to the floor and stomping back. “Get it through your head. I. Do. Not. Want. You. Anymore.”
Don’t cry Beck, remember, nothing worth having is ever easy. You can do this.
“That’s okay. I want you enough for both of us.” I say, flinging the covers back and struggling to my feet. “I love you enough that I can take whatever it is you want to throw at me.”
It’s true, but the problem is that he’s right, it’s not loving him that’s the problem, it’s the whole trusting him to love me back that I have trouble with.
Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to get over it. No way am I willing to tuck tail and scamper away. Not yet. Not till I’ve given it all I have.
“Jesus.”
“I’m gonna go make you some breakfast for that hangover you’re nursing. No, that’s okay, I don’t need help with my slippers, my body is so totally meant to bend this way.”
“This isn’t going to work.” He warns when I rise and start waddling for the door. “It’s too late.”
“It’s never too late to fix things Dev.” I whisper back, keeping my back turned to hide the tears I can’t stem anymore.
I hope I’m right, God do I pray.
Chapter Thirty One
The breakfast I cooked is eaten by Day and a hung over Ryan while the object of my affection sits stonily eating cereal that looks like cardboard and probably tastes just as good.
The rebuff hurts, stinging my pride but I push the feeling away and keep up a steady flow of chatter the whole time, making plans to go see Day’s next football game and to attend one of his practices.
“You sure you’ll still be here Rebecca? Last I checked you’re about as reliable and trustworthy as a vegetarian butcher.” Devon growls, grinning at the colour that hits my cheeks. “Why next week you could be off to Vegas with another one of your friends.”
Bastard.
“I’ll be there.”
“Don’t be too hopeful Davy lad.”
The snide remarks hit their target and I bite my lip to stop the flow of curses burning the tip of my tongue. Yeah, he so has a right to be snarky and mean right now but damn, the guy’s really not pulling his punches.
“Dev-”
“Don’t put too much stock in what she says Davy. She’ll soon enough get tired of making an effort and she’ll be on her way. By the way, have you read over those documents I gave you? My lawyer needs them to set a court date.”
That brings me up short and I see Day and Ry lean in closer, their attention fixed squarely on the both of us and the Mexican stand down we’re locked in.
“No.”
“Get to it then. I want to get things done before you give birth. I need to cement my rights before you move out.”
Hot damn, the man woke up and walked in loaded for bear while I’m stuck with David’s crappy ass ancient slingshot and no ammo to throw back at him.
“Move out? What’s this then?” Ryan asks, his eyes narrowing on me.
“Cool it baby bear, I’m not going anywhere. Your brother seems to think that slapping me with papers and the suggestion to get out of his life is making me sweat enough that I’ll actually do it. I’m not fucking going anywhere.”
Devon laughs cruelly, a sound I’m not familiar with having never heard it and pins me with a sneer.
“Oh, you’ll go. You always run. Make this easier on yourself and go before you make more of a fool of yourself. Sneaking into my bed isn’t going to get you anywhere. You’re about as seductive as a fish out of water.”
I’d reply-I don’t quite know what I would have said, but it could have been clever-but he stands and stalks out, slamming the front door behind him.
“Well shite.”
Davy whistles, seconding Ryan’s cringing expression and they both look at me, their eyes filled with pity.
“I hate to say this hun but maybe you’re wasting your breath. I’ve never seen Dev be that cruel to a woman. Not even GiGi when she tossed his ring back in his face. Maybe…”
Their pity makes me feel so small it’s a wonder I’m able to keep from weeping and I take a deep breath, steeling myself against the need to crawl back into bed and stay there till the baby comes or I stink so much I can’t stand it.
“I just have to try harder.” I whisper through the agony centred in my chest. “I just have to prove to him that I’m worth another chance.”
They don’t say anything, not that I need words to know that they’ve abandoned ship and are thinking that I’m a hopeless fool. They’re right, as much as I don’t want to see it. Devon has always been a gentleman. Always.
Never before has he spoken to a member of the opposite sex this way and the fact that he’s done it to me just furthers the fact that he’s so uncaring of my feelings that he’s not even trying to filter himself.
“Hun.”
“No. I just have to try harder.” I insist cutting them off and standing slowly to my feet. “I can do this.”
How I’m going to do this is beyond me though. He’s right. I feel as sexy as a sweaty gym sock, my confidence is at an all-time low and I’m on the verge of dropping my load and becoming a sleepless haggard zombie.
If he’s finding me distasteful now I’d hate to think what he’ll see after I give birth and the excess baby weight makes everything look like a warzone.
Oh God. I need reinforcements.
***
“He did not! oh, I’ma kill a dick!” Lila yells, her eyes shooting sparks of venom as she leaps to her feet and starts pacing, her movements jerky and agitated. “It’s not true Beck, you’re looking great, I swear you are.”
My eyes are drier than a whale bone when she leans down and pulls me into a hug, her arms squ
eezing me that extra bit when I let out a stuttering sigh and close my eyes against my hurt.
“Oh hush up and stop frothing at the mouth Lila. He deserves to get in a barb or two after my stupidity and we both know it. We had something great and I ruined it with my lack of trust.”
“Yeah but…okay, so maybe he has a reason to be mad but that doesn’t mean he gets to call you fat or ugly or anything like that! He’s, he’s…”
She starts pacing again and I smile, taking note of the green pallor of her skin and the fact that she hasn’t once offered me something to eat, a sin in the world of the true southern lady.
I have a suspicion I know why she’s not offering food but I’ll hold my peace and wait for her and Grey to tell their news. And then I’ll go crazy and start buying truckloads of stuff.
“I don’t think he’s going to come around. It’s been a week and while he’s given up moving beds he sleeps as far away from me as possible and he doesn’t talk to me except to aske when I’m leaving or if I have those papers signed. Truthfully, tonight is the last chance I have before I have to accept defeat and let go. Even mama and daddy aren’t so sure about this anymore.”
That had been a bummer of epic proportions. You know that if a little fire cracker like mama is throwing in the towel that that deer is dead and ready to be skinned and butchered.
So I’ve given myself tonight to make him see the true extent of my shame and grief and that’s it. If he still isn’t budging I’m gonna have to accept it and leave. Even if it breaks my heart.
“It’s not like he’s blameless you know. He knew about Brand’s illness and didn’t say a word to you!”
“Yeah, well, technically he did tell me that day on the phone. He thought I’d found out and he admitted-”
“Oh bullshit! He kept you in the dark and then expected you to forgive him after a little while. Just like men do. They screw up and put on the puppy dog eyes and wham, they think everything’s fine, but you make one teeny tiny little mistake and he’s turned into an iceberg!”
I appreciate her unwavering loyalty but it’s exhausting trying to get her to see my share of blame.
And she’s also a little right. If I can forgive Devon for keeping the extent of dad’s health issues away from me he should be capable of giving me some leeway.
But apparently he doesn’t see it that way hence the grovelling crawl I’ve been doing all week.
“Lila would you quit ranting and help me out babe? I have a dinner to plan and since I can’t exactly wear a pregnancy dress to look sexy I think you’re gonna need to find me something that doesn’t make me look like a fat cow.”
Tonight is seduction night with a twist. I’ve decided that if I can lure him with my body that I’ll use my complete willingness to prostrate myself at his feet as a draw.
I have nothing else left.
We sleep together but he won’t so much as touch me. If I move over in my sleep he pushes me away and goes right back to sleep. If I cook he gets take out. If I do his laundry he takes it right back to the laundry and washes it again.
And don’t even get me started on the way he smiled when I came home with his favourite desert and tried to give it to him.
The garbage can had eaten very well that night.
By his own admission I have nothing he wants save for the baby growing in my belly and that leaves sadly little to work with here. I’d never use my kid to trap a man and I won’t start now so if I can’t get him to listen to me tonight it’s over and I know it.
Chapter Thirty Two
My stomach is a ball of knots by the time dinner rolls around. I’ve cooked fish and chips and made-from scratch-his favourite desert, hoping that he’ll take pity on me and at least try it before all my hard work goes into the bin.
The table is set and the music is on. Day and Ryan are out for the night and have agreed to give us till tomorrow morning and I even went against the grain and bought a cute little dress from the maternity boutique for the occasion.
It’s black and tight without being obscene and it looks better on my massive bump than I’d imagined it could. I’m no Giselle but even I have to admit I don’t look atrocious.
I’m ready and hoping and praying and so nervous I’ve been chewing antacids since the clock hit seven with no sign of him.
I wait, putting my swollen feet up and listening for the door. The first hour I am jumpy and anxious and pathetically giddy, thinking that if God’s listening and watching he’ll cut me some slack and give me a little something to work with.
The second hour sees me reheating the food, convinced that he’ll walk in any minute and be apologetic for his tardiness-I had called him and left a voicemail after all.
By twelve the candles are burned down to nubs and my nose is red and raw from constantly wiping it on my sleeve. By twelve fifteen I feel my insides harden to that numbness I’d walked around with for weeks after Logan had left and refused to talk to me.
I feel just as, if not more bereft now than I did then because just as I had then I have to accept this defeat and swallow my protests. This isn’t going to work. I’ve fucked it all up.
The candles eventually sputter and sizzle before going out and plunging the room into darkness and still I sit there, my skin cold and hard despite the heat of the late summer air.
The front door opens and closes and I hear him mutter a curse and for some reason I lose all the lonely, depressing feelings that have taken hold, just happy that he’s here so I can finally say what I need to.
I’ve written it all down in case I get too choked up to finish, sort of like my gift to him silly as that may seem. It’s my heart poured out and open, me at my rawest and I just hope it makes the difference.
I spring to my feet, no easy feat with my burden, and scuttle to the hall, a bright smile plastered on my face.
“Oh hey, there you are I-”
I freeze and stop talking when I hear a feminine giggle and a muttered curse before the light flares on to reveal Devon and a very blonde, lean bombshell hanging all over him, her red lipstick plastered on his face, neck and the stubble at his chin.
They’re…I can’t speak as his eyes come down to rest on me, taking in my dress and upswept hair. The makeup I’d painstakingly applied. My swollen ankles and the perfume he loves so much as it swirls in the air around us.
“Oh Devon baby, who’s the girl. My God, are you carrying triplets? How do you fit through a door honey?” The blonde laughs, draping herself all over him.
Devon I noticed isn’t too affected by the insults thrown my way, or by the fact that he’s being pawed by the ditzy whore as I stand there in silent mortification, battling tears that I swear I won’t shed.
“Rebecca. What are you doing up?” he asks slowly, his eyes drilling into me with a frown that’s even worse than the scowl lining MissHooker's face.
She’s obviously not too impressed by the interruption if the downward curve of her mouth is any indication. But I really don’t give a shit right now. Right now I feel like the worst of fools and…
“Nothing. I, uh got in late.” I lie, my voice a choked rasp in the room. “Don’t let me interrupt; I’m off to bed as soon as I get a drink.”
More like outta here as soon as you leave so that you don’t see me crying like a sap, I think, smiling brightly despite the knife twisting in my gut.
He nods and grabs the blonde by the ass, his hands hoisting her up as he strides to the stairs and takes three steps before turning back to look at me over his shoulder.
God, I really wish he would just go so that I don’t have to compare the ease with which he lifts her skinny ass of the way she’s sucking on his neck or the way he’s looking at me as if the hurt he knows I feel doesn’t matter at all.
“We’ll try to keep it down.”
I ignore him and turn away, doing my best to keep myself from sobbing as I hear him take the stairs before his door slams shut and locks and a squeal echoes down.
This
is it then.
“Sorry kid. I think we’re gonna have to call this one.” I whisper, waiting a minute to make sure he’s occupied before grabbing my purse and keys and tiptoeing out of the house and to my car.
I won’t be coming back.
Chapter Thirty Three
“Would you stop pushing the food around on your plate and say something sugarplum. Please? For daddy?”
“Dad, look-”
“No you look. You’ve been running yourself ragged all week getting stuff for the baby and making sure the house is spotless. Now I know you’re just anxious and that you feel a little down Beck, but you gotta snap out of it and start returning that boy’s phone calls.” He snaps, slamming a hand down on the table.
I grimace and push my plate away, my appetite as lacking as it has been since I’d turned up on their doorstep and begged for some time to get myself sorted while I think about the poor savings still left in my account and the huge amount of stuff I need to buy for the baby.
I hadn’t once thought about it since I’d foolishly assumed Devon would come around and take me back and now I have nothing-well till yesterday when mama had taken me shopping and gone full hog on the baby store.
“I can’t.” I whisper, feeling the ever-present tears fill my eyes. “I just need some time so I can hold my head high when I talk to him. Please daddy.”
Of course he’s not too compassionate about my plight because I haven’t told anyone about my humiliation and the fact that I’ve become nothing more than dead weight. An incubator for the next generation of Baxter’s.
“Aw honey, you know this isn’t doing anyone any good. You’re about to have that baby Beck and no matter what’s going on with you and Devon you know you can’t avoid him forever. He has a right to be involved with his baby.”
I know that, I just can’t face him right now. I’d spent a sleepless night staring at the ceiling while junior rolled around, pummelling my ribs and I’d come up with a few very unpalatable truths.
JACE (Lane Brothers Book 3) Page 85
