Boy Meets Nerd

by Leia Shaw

Tip #3: Appeal to your caveman by putting duct tape across each nipple in an X shape. X marks the spot!

  She snorted. Then use the rhinestone glue to reattach your nipples after you take the tape off.

  Tip #4: Touch the tip of your nipple to the tip of his penis like a sexy hello!

  That made her laugh out loud. Some people greeted each other with a handshake, but okay.

  Tip #5: The use of pasties helps fulfill his fantasy of sleeping with a stripper. Do a little strip tease to complete the illusion!

  At that, she slammed the magazine shut. Ridiculous. She couldn’t believe this shit was selling. Didn’t women have aspirations higher than pleasing their men in bed? She looked down at her chest. The tips were stupid but it did make her wonder if her assets were disappointing. Masochism wasn’t her thing so she had no intentions of decorating them, and she liked her nipples intact thank you.

  Coquette needed a follow-up article for flat-chested women. If you Can’t Use your Breasts in the Bedroom, Try Tempting Him with your Personality Instead.

  Without the magazine to entertain her, she stared at the wall and contemplated what a real dating article for people with half a brain would look like while finishing her meal.. The door to the apartment opened then shut. She turned to face the entryway.

  Jess walked in. “Hey.” She looked at the empty Chinese food container and frowned. “You got Chinese without me?”

  “No. Levi ordered it last night then put the leftovers in the fridge.” She chuckled. “I think he was worried I’d die overnight from starvation.” Silly man. Still, she couldn’t stop a smile.

  Her roommate was quiet behind her. Em rose to throw the empty container away. As she passed Jess, still standing in the entryway, she caught an expression that worried her. Amusement sparkled in her eyes then a slow grin appeared.

  “Oh. My. God.”

  “What?” She didn’t like this already.

  “He likes you!”

  “No.” Immediately, she pushed the idea away. They were friends, barely. He had a girlfriend he was completely over the moon for. “I’m doing a job for him and he wants me to finish, that’s all.”

  Jess inhaled a deep breath, her smile growing manic.

  “Don’t squee, Jessica Brown.” She started backing away. “Do not squee.”

  Somehow she managed to hold it in. “But he likes you! It’s soooo obvious. He’s taking care of you. That is so sweet! And it’s about time someone did.” She hung her purse on the hook next to the door and walked to the living room.

  “I already told you. He’s in love with someone else.”

  She plopped onto the couch and grabbed the Coquette magazine. “We can take care of that little problem.”

  Emerson followed her into the living room. “Why do I feel like you’re about to lay out a plan that includes a roofie and rope?”

  She laughed. “That’s one way to do it. But I meant you could woo him.”

  “Woo him? Does anybody even say that anymore?”

  She rolled her eyes. “What are you, the style police?”

  Em pointed to the magazine in her hands. “It’s an effect of reading that stupid thing.”

  With an exaggerated gasp, Jess clutched the magazine to her chest. “Don’t diss what you don’t understand, Emerson.”

  “What do you even get from it? Most of the articles are about giving blowjobs and what the size of your man’s kneecaps means.”

  She shrugged then flipped through it. “It’s funny. And I didn’t buy it. Dani got it for me as a joke.” Losing interest in only a moment, she threw it back on the table. “I want Chinese food. Call your boyfriend over. Maybe he’ll buy again.”

  “You’re impossible.” Emerson grabbed her phone from the desk then headed toward her room. “Buy your own food, you leech,” she called over her shoulder, just before shutting the door.

  ***

  Pop music blasted from the speakers, drowning out what had been the peaceful hum of the Prius on the highway. Emerson had turned the music on after listening to Jess whine for ten minutes straight about why she wouldn’t tell her what she was investigating for Levi. It wasn’t really a matter of confidentiality. Emerson just liked to bug her – though it was backfiring presently. Plus her theories were entertaining.

  After pulling off the highway, she turned onto the street toward her grandma’s house. Jess had begged to come with her for dinner. She’d finally guilted Em into it because she’d paid her half of the rent last month so with her reasoning, she’d been forced to starve.

  Jess had been to dinner at her grandma’s before and it’d always ended in discussion about Em’s lack of a love life. She was already preparing for Jess to tell her grandma about Levi, even though she’d made her promise not to.

  When she parked in the driveway and reached for the door handle, Jess grabbed onto her arm, stopping her from leaving the car.

  Leaning in close, she stared into her eyes. “I’m sorry, but you’ve brought me to this, Em. Tell me what Levi hired you for or I’ll tell Bea about his secret forbidden love for you.”

  “Seriously?”

  Jess pointed to her face. “Do I look serious?”

  “No. You look psychotic.” When Jess went full on puppy dog face, she broke down. “Fine. Anything to make you shut up about it.”

  Grinning, Jess released her then sat back in her seat.

  “He’s in an online relationship. He’s never actually met this girl he loves. He hired me to find out if he’s being catfished.”

  Jess seemed to ponder that for a moment then she clapped her hands. “Oh my god! You know what this means? You stand a chance with him!” Turning to her, she demanded, “What have you found so far? Is this girl real or what?”

  “Parts of her are. But she’s lying about some things too. He’s really broken up about it.”

  “Excellent!”

  “Jess!”

  “Well, it’s sad too. But I think you’re better for him than her.”

  “You don’t even know him!” Emerson didn’t either. Not really. “Or her.”

  “You have chemistry. Trust me. I know these things.”

  “He’s not my type.” Liar, liar. “And I doubt I’m his type. I mean, look at him. Then look at me. Guys like him…” She sighed, feeling a tiny bit of sadness creep in. “They don’t go for girls like me.”

  Jess rolled her eyes. “Are we in a high school movie? Seriously, Em, it’s not like that anymore. Not past college. People aren’t divided up like that. Cheerleaders and band geeks and thespians, and stuff. People like you and me, are just people.”

  “Like you and me?” She snorted. “You were a popular girl.”

  Jess flinched back, her brow furrowed. “No, I wasn’t.”

  Emerson arched a brow, skeptical. Pretty face, trendy style, sunny disposition. She had popular girl written all over her.

  “I wasn’t popular, Em. I went to an uppity private school for girls. The students there were creeped out by lesbians.” She fiddled with her hands in her lap. “I managed to hide it for a while, but sometimes I couldn’t help but stare. Rumors started. Then I met this girl. Hannah. I thought she liked me.” Jess’s gaze dropped to her hands. “She flirted with me. It was the first time I let myself like someone. But when girls started talking about both of us…” She shrugged. “I guess she couldn’t handle it. She sold me down the river and we never spoke again.” Her voice cracked, but after a deep breath, she went on. “After that, I was bullied almost constantly. I dropped out at seventeen. My parents still hate me for it. I was about to graduate with high honors.”

  “Really?” She couldn’t mask the surprise in her voice.

  Jess gave her a side-long glance. “Are you shocked that I’m smart?”

  “No,” she lied, feeling like an asshole. “I just didn’t realize…”

  “I chose a career in art over money because I wanted to. Not because I wasn’t good at anything else. It’s my passion. Kinda like numbers are for you.�
��

  Emerson nodded. She could relate to that. This shed a whole new light on her roommate. How did she not know all of this? God, she sucked as a friend. Jess radiated confidence and happiness. She never would’ve guessed she’d been bullied.

  They sat in awkward silence for a moment then Jess broke the ice. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell your grandma.” With that, she opened the door and climbed out of the car.

  Emerson followed and they waited for her grandma to let them in. The harsh weather had died down and spring was finally showing much-welcomed signs of starting. She was thankful for the sun and mild temperature that day. Her coat had been traded in for a thin hoodie. Though she wasn’t the outdoorsy type, it felt good to have her face in the sun.

  The door opened and her grandma waved them in. Upon spotting Jess, she smiled and pulled her in for a hug. “You didn’t tell me you were bringing your friend, Em.” She scowled at Emerson. “I’d have made more stew.”

  “I didn’t come for stew, Bea,” Jess said. “I came for your company.”

  “That’s sweet, dear. A lie but sweet.”

  Jess laughed. “You caught me. But I won’t eat much. I promise. How are the crosswords going?”

  They trailed behind Bea as she navigated to the kitchen. “Beatrice True, one hundred and seventeen. The Boston Post, zero.”

  Emerson chuckled.

  “Wow. You need to find a way to make money off that talent, Bea.” Jess sat at the kitchen table and Em took the seat next to her.

  Her grandma shuffled to the oven. “It’ll be just a minute.”

  “Do you need help, Gram?”

  “No, no. You girls just sit there and fill me in on life. The stew’s cooked already. Just waiting for the biscuits.”

  Emerson shot Jess a warning look and shook her head slightly. She merely smiled innocently in return. “Same old here, Bea. One of my photos sold at the gallery!”

  “Lovely! Which one?” Jess opened her mouth to answer but Bea cut her off. “Let me guess. One of the erotic ones?”

  Jess shrugged. “What can I say? Sex sells.”

  Em’s grandma clicked her tongue and shook her head.

  “Don’t get all morally righteous on me now, Bea.”

  “Oh it’s not that. I just wish you girls would pick a more stable career. Selling a photo once a month is not something you can build a life on.”

  “That’s why I work at the gallery. Don’t worry about me. I’m doing fine. Even covering your granddaughter’s half of the rent sometimes.” She nudged Emerson.

  Her grandma gave her a stern look. “Emerson True,” she scolded. “Now I told you to tell me if you needed money. Instead you have your poor friend paying your bills?”

  Em tossed her roommate an irritated glare. “Thanks for getting me in trouble.”

  Jess bit her lip like she was holding back a smile. “Sorry.” She didn’t look sorry.

  “I’ll pay her back. And I’m really close to a new prime number. I can practically feel it.”

  “You have feelings?” Jess said, eyes twinkling.

  It was a common misconception. Her hyperfocus on work and introverted nature sometimes made her seem a little…robotic. But it wasn’t true. Jess knew that. “Nope,” she answered. “Aren’t you worried about rooming with a sociopath?” She mustered up a creepy look but Jess only laughed.

  “Weirdo.”

  “You two fight like sisters,” her grandma said, walking in with a steaming crock pot. She placed it on the table then stuck a giant spoon in it. “Speaking of which, how’s Paige?”

  Jess dug in first. Despite promising not to eat much, she dumped a heaping spoonful of the meat and potatoes onto her plate.

  “I don’t know,” Em answered. “She never calls. She turned out more like my mom. Lucky for me because it got her off my back quicker.” Chuckling, she dished out a portion of stew onto her plate. “I should check in I guess. I just get the feeling Paige doesn’t really care. In high school she barely acknowledged she knew me, let alone that I was her sister.”

  “That’s rude!” Jess protested around a mouthful of food.

  She shrugged. “I don’t blame her. She had the chance to be popular. Why ruin it cause of me?”

  “Family is all you have in this world. The people who are supposed to be loyal and stick by you no matter what. If not for love, at least for obligation. Nobody deserves to be alone.” She stuck her fork into another bite a food. “Especially when it comes to siblings. Who’s gonna plan your parents funeral with you? And split up their assets and stuff?”

  Emerson grimaced. “That’s morbid, Jess.”

  “But it’s true. Siblings should stick together. I wish I had one.”

  For a time, right around middle school, Emerson had wished she’d been an only child. Her mother was at the very end of her patience regarding Em’s willingness to follow her interests. Paige had been brainwashed by then. Or maybe she truly liked the prissy pageant stuff. Either way, her mother constantly compared the two and tried using Paige to get Emerson in line. Look at your sister. Why can’t you be more like her?

  Some kids may have felt ashamed or resentful, but even at a young age, Emerson knew who she was, and who she wasn’t.

  “Does your sister have the same gift as you?” Jess asked. “Is she really smart too?”

  “In a way. She’s smart but not as obsessed as I am. She’s good at science like my dad. Maybe she’ll take over his podiatry business and make both parents proud. Then I’ll be off the hook.”

  Her grandma frowned at her. “They’re proud of you. They just don’t show it very well.”

  “I think the biggest thing I could do right now to please my mother is get knocked up. Giving her grandchildren would be my greatest accomplishment.”

  “Do you want kids?” Jess asked.

  She furrowed her brow. “I don’t know. I haven’t given it much thought. Maybe if I found a new prime number –”

  Jess and Bea both laughed.

  “What?”

  Jess shook her head. “It always comes back to numbers with you.”

  “I’ll never be happy until I meet my goal. But maybe after then, if I found the right person, I would entertain the idea of kids. I mean, it would be kinda fun to pass along my love of math.”

  “Yeah,” Jess agreed. “And that brain of yours.”

  That was a good point, but she knew enough not to say it. She was learning to keep those thoughts to herself.

  “First she needs a boyfriend,” her grandma said. “Maybe you should try one of those online dating sites. Mate finder dot com or something.”

  Was it an obligation for every grandma to be a nosy matchmaker? Emerson sighed and thought through ways to get out of this conversation.

  Jess and Bea discussed what her profile should look like and the types of guys she should try to attract. It would be just like them to set up an account for her. Soon she’d be getting emails with the subject line Math makes me hot, baby and I’d love to hack my way into your pants.

  In a fit of desperation, she blurted, “Jonah wants to meet for coffee.”

  They stopped talking and looked at her.

  Jess grimaced. “The jerk who ditched you for NASA?”

  “The job didn’t work out,” she answered, ignoring her grandma’s tsk of disapproval. “He’s back and says he misses me.”

  “I say don’t do it.” Jess put up a finger to ward off a disagreement. “Unless, you’re only using him to get back on your feet in the dating world. He could be like your practice dummy.”

  “That’s cruel,” she replied. “And weird.” Only Jess would think of something so ridiculous as a practice dummy for dating. Did a girl even need practice? Could one get rusty at going out for coffee and making small talk? Inwardly, she laughed. As if she’d ever be good at small talk. If that was what it took to find a husband, she was screwed.

  Bea and Jess were plotting again. “I tried to convince her to come to the dark side but she insist
s she’s straight,” Jess explained.

  “You don’t think she is?” her grandma asked.

  Jess’s eyes glimmered. “It’s a sliding scale. Everyone has the potential to be bi. Some are just more open to the possibility than others.” She winked at Em.

  Bea laughed out loud. “You should bring her around more often,” she told Em, pointing to Jess with her fork. “I like her.”

  Emerson shook her head emphatically. “No online dating sites. And no setting me up either! You two are a menace to a girl’s work life.”

  Prime numbers. No boyfriends. Or girlfriends either. It was probably creepy to say numbers were the love of her life, even if it was true. Another sentiment to keep only in her mind. She was collecting a lot of those.

  Chapter 10

  The comforting scent of her favorite coffee swept over her as she walked into Starbucks. Emerson did a brief scan of the shop, looking for Jonah’s lanky frame. She spotted him in the far corner, sitting with his back to her.

  She skipped the line and went straight to Jonah’s table. He was staring down at his phone, like every other person under the age of fifty. Brown hair fell across his forehead. Pale skin said he hadn’t seen the light of day much either. He looked exactly the same as he did five months ago. She even recognized the green flannel shirt.

  “Hey,” she said, placing her bag on the table. She didn’t believe in purses. They were too prissy for her purposes. She carried a messenger bag instead, that almost always contained her netbook.

  Jonah looked up at her and smiled. To her surprise, he got up from his seat and hugged her. Stiffly, she accepted the hug, leaving her arms at her sides. It felt awkward. He’d never been one for PDA or random acts of affection. In fact, a relationship with Jonah felt a little like an arranged marriage. It served a purpose, but there was no passion. Not that Em knew anything about passion. At least not when it came to things other than numbers.

  When he released her, he smiled again. Two smiles in a row. Impressive. When they’d been together, smiles had come few and far between. Always precise, always reserved, he wasn’t a carefree smiler. Not like Levi.