She turned then, eyes burning, cheeks flushed. “I wanted you. After I said I would never allow myself to want again, I wanted you anyway.” She swiped a hand across her cheek. “The only thing I want now is my life back.”
For the third time in her life, she walked away from a man she'd given her heart to, stepping over the broken pieces of shattered illusions. Only this time it was far worse than anything that had come before. This time she was fairly certain his heart was broken too. There was no redemption in that. Only more pain.
Chapter 21
Jamie didn't care about the men anymore. They I came into the shop, bumped into her at the market, jogged by her on the Moon Walk. She never gave them a second glance, much less a second thought. It should have been a relief.
“Sugar, we have to talk.” Ree settled her elbows on the counter and pushed a glass of iced tea at Jamie.
Jamie sighed. “That's the last thing we have to do.”
“So you say. But how am I supposed to go around enjoying this delicious love affair I've embarked on, when I feel guilty even mentioning his name in front of you.”
Jamie just eyed her. “Oh, so this is all aboutyou. Well, guilt isn't going to work. I really don't want to talk about Sebastien. But please feel free to talk about Angel all you want.” She picked up the glass as a truce sign. “I truly am happy for you, Ree. And for Marta as well.” She took a small sip. “And please, tell her it's okay to send out the wedding invitations. I won't crumble just because she's blissfully happy. I'm not that self-centered.” She put the glass down and sighed again, this time more plaintively. “Am I?”
Ree patted her hand. “No, sugar. In fact, that's half the problem. You bury yourself in work, and the rest of the time you're either out racing across the lake or upstairs in that attic.”
“You're saying I've adapted to heartache too well?” She lifted an eyebrow. “That's a new approach.”
“Sweetie, we're just wanting you to be as happy as we are. You know damn well neither Marta or I ever thought we'd find something like this. It's hard to remember why it seemed so impossible now, you know? Just when you think you don't have a prayer, your prayer is answered. So it's only natural that we want you to have it too.”
“Well, you can't have everything. You'll just have to settle for being wildly in love with a guy you used to despise.”
“Not that again.”
“No, I'm sorry. You know I don't mean it. Maybe I'm not handling my problems as well as you think. But I'm trying, Ree. And it would help if everyone else would just carry on like I'm not made of crystal or something.”
Just then Jack burst into the shop. He scooted right over to the counter and hopped up on it, legs crossed at the knee. “Guess what happened to me?” He took a rose from the counter vase, clamped it between his teeth, and leaned back in a dramatic pose.
“You won the lottery?” Ree guessed.
“You were propositioned by that big, preposterously muscled dancer whose hair you did last Thursday?” He took the rose out and swatted Jamie across the shoulder. “Neither. I was having a drink last night at Bobby's and ended up in an all-night conversation with his roommate's cousin. He's in from St. Louis on business.”
A sick ball of dread began to well up in Jamie's stomach. She couldn't speak for fear it would rear up and gag her. Sebastien had done it. He'd matched Jack. If her plan had gone right, that meant— Sebastien was gone.
Or that he was actively seeking her mate right atthat very moment. She didn't know which idea she hated more.
Jack tucked the rose behind his ear, his smile wide, eyes dancing. “I'm telling you, this is nothing like I've ever felt before. He's thirty-four, drop-dead gorgeous, and recently out of a long-term relationship. He wasn't looking for anyone in his life and, frankly, neither was I. Girls just want to have fun, you know,” he added with a naughty wink. “But we really clicked. I can't even describe it.” He laughed. “Listen to me, I'm babbling.” He grabbed Ree's wrist, his excitement palpable. “We're going out of town. He has a business trip to San Fran. I'm going with him.”
Ree pulled him close for a tight hug. “That's so wonderful! ” She sat him back, her expression turning serious. “Now, because I love you, I have to warn you—”
“Yes, Mother,” Jack interrupted. “We've already swapped medical tests and we'll use protection. Now, can I please be excused? I have some shopping to do.” He was out the door as quickly as he'd appeared.
Ree fanned herself. “My Lord, I've never seen him like that. I sure hope this works out. Of course, with the way things have been working out lately …” She turned to Jamie, and her hand dropped to her side. “What's wrong?”
Jamie instantly tried to smooth her expression into a calm, smiling one. “Nothing. I'm happy for him.”
's eyes widened. “Oh, Lordy. I'm an idiot. You said Sebastien was going to match him up.” She reached for Jamie's arm, sympathy and concern brimming in her eyes, but Jamie moved out of reach.
“I'm okay,” she lied. At that moment she didn't even know what okay was. “And he already told me this wouldn't affect his … whatever. His mission.”
“So he's not … gone. Or whatever happens to him when he's done matching three people up.”
's stomach pitched. And her head hurt. “Idon't think so. Not that it matters.” Liar. She had promised herself she'd never see him again, but there was some tiny, masochistic element of comfort in knowing he was still out there somewhere.
“Sure it does. We've talked about this, Jamie Lynne. You believe in him. ”
“No, that was you who was all ready to jump in.”
“You do too. No more lying to yourself. I think a part of you has believed since that first night. Admit it, he's a hard guy to doubt.”
Jamie didn't want to admit anything.
“Sure, it makes no rational sense, but neither does the idea of me and Angel being head over heels. And hell, honey, it's hard to ignore proof like that.” She reached out and touched Jamie's arm. “And besides,” she added gently, “if you didn't truly believe he was going to disappear on you after making his matches, you'd have made his exit from your life a hell of a lot more difficult. You changed, Jamie.”
Jamie wanted to argue, but she was just too tired. Tired of it all. Tired of pretending she was okay when she wasn't, tired of pretending she didn't mind sleeping alone in her bed when she did, tired of pretending she could imagine spending the rest of her life never seeing him again when that was all she thought about.
Ree stepped around the counter and took Jamie's half-empty glass away from her. “Honey, why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off? Marta will be here in a little bit, and I can hold down the fort until then.”
The thought of facing an entire afternoon alone, with nothing to keep her company but her anguished thoughts, was not appealing. But neither was looking into Ree's sympathy-filled eyes. “I'm telling the truth when I say I'm okay with you and Marta finding happiness. Jack too. I'll get my own act together. Please,just go on and enjoy what's happening in your life. I promise not to be a wet blanket.”
“It's a gorgeous day outside. Why don't you take my car so you can put the top down? Take a long drive, maybe out River Road or something. Get some fresh air, clear your head. Crank up the tunes, sing out loud. It will make you feel alive again.” She wagged a finger. “No speeding tickets. Unless, of course, the cop is a cutie.”
Jamie rolled her eyes. She wasn't sure she was in the mood for a long drive, but racing over the lake hadn't done it for her. It had only made her think of the times she and Sebastien had been out there. Running made her think of walking the streets of the Quarter with Sebastien. Hell, everything made her think of Sebastien.
“Maybe it will help.” She'd said it mostly to appease Ree, but the more she thought about it, the more the solitude appealed to her. At least she wouldn't be torturing anyone else with her morose thoughts.
Ree tossed her the keys, and Jamie leaned in and gave
her a quick hug. “Thanks. You know, for caring.” She stepped back. “Even if it's not necessary.” Ree nodded and waved.
Jamie grabbed her wallet and headed out the back. Ree's little BMW was even smaller than her car. Folding herself into the tight space made her think of— Stop it. Enough is enough. Fresh air, good tunes, clear head. That was her sole focus for the next several hours. Even if it killed her.
She put the top down, revved the engine, popped a Stones CD into the player, and edged out onto the street. There was no one around, so she cranked up the stereo and belted out “Satisfaction” along with Mick as she laid rubber all the way to Esplanade.
Sebastien watched Jamie exit the alley behind the bookstore. The little black car took the corner with a squeal. He stepped from the shadows of the corner doorway as she sped out of sight. Another piece of his heart disintegrated as she once again, albeit unwittingly, raced out of his life.
Fool! But the self-recrimination no longer served to punish him. He'd called himself a hundred worse names in the weeks since Jamie had walked out of his bedroom. He still believed he'd done the right thing in not prolonging a doomed relationship. But,mon Dieu, for a man who had tried to avoid more pain, he'd failed miserably. And from the determined look on Jamie's face every time he'd spied her these past weeks, she was faring little better. There was no ego gratification in that knowledge. Only more pain. He should never have touched her.
Dear God, but how was he to go on without ever touching her again?
He slapped the brick wall next to his head and turned to walk down the street. He had found Jack a mate. He should feel rewarded by the joy he'd brought to someone, and he was happy he'd been so successful with relative ease. But he'd done it for selfish reasons, which was something he'd never done before. He'd wanted to return to the sword, to the anguish-free haze of limbo. He'd matched Jack in the vain hope that perhaps his feeling about it was wrong. But Jack was falling in love—and Sebastien still roamed the earth. His mission had not been completed.
Which was why his stomach rebelled and his skull felt three sizes too big for the skin wrapped about it. He had to find Jamie's soulmate.
It made him want to smash something. It made him want to howl. The very idea of another man touching her, tasting her, making her laugh—hell, even makingher swear. He wanted those privileges. He'd postponed beginning the search, thinking if he never matched her, at least he would have the pleasure—pain of watching over her.
But that was not how it worked. He understood now, as he never had before, that he was not only ordained to fulfill his mission, he was compelled to. He could not simply roam this earth, putting off his calling until such time as he saw fit to fulfill it.
This time would be no different from any other. There would be no reprieve. For himself, or for Jamie.
Which brought him to a new frustration: He could not analyze exactly how he determined his matches. He simply studied his selected soul, then went about finding a compatible mate. There was never any doubt of his success. Perhaps he did have some sort of otherworldly power, as Jamie had thought him to possess. Some matches had taken him some time and quite complicated maneuvering, but he had always had a notion of what he was looking for. He merely searched until he found it.
Until now. He was faced with matching the soul of a woman he knew better than anyone he'd ever matched before. And yet he could not discern where to begin, who to look for, or what in the hell he was going to do about it.
He should never have touched her.
It had clouded his thinking beyond repair. And yet he had to find a way to part the clouds, to divine what he was to do next. For his own peace of mind, and for hers. He had no choice. He could not sleep. He could not eat. He felt as if his insides were eating him alive. What manner of curse was this eternity he'd been cast into? Never before had he suffered from it. Perhaps this was the penalty he'd feared would be levied against him for taking his mistress to bed. Andyet, even looking deeply inside his own black soul, he could not honestly say he truly regretted a single heartbeat of the time he'd spent with her. Maybe that was the worst of it. He should never have touched her—but he cherished the moments when he had.
Now he must find her a mate, find some way to create some element of rightness in all this. If she were happy, wouldn't that be right? Perhaps that would comfort him during the long, empty years ahead.
And yet he could not imagine this ache in his heart ever lessening, much less leaving him. Nor was he certain that he was man enough to look upon her in the arms of another and feel anything but fury and heartrending loss. He could only do as he'd been cursed to do—and hope.
“Sugar, you look like you lost your best friend.”
Sebastien turned to find Ree Ann standing in front of him, arms crossed beneath her ample bosom.
“I have always credited you with being very intuitive,” he replied, his jaw set firmly.
Her full mouth turned down at the corners, and the amused twinkle left her eyes. “Oh, honey.” She reached out and patted his arm. “Here I was all prepared to read you the riot act for breaking Jamie's heart, and your heart looks more than a bit battered itself.”
“I do not know of this riot act you speak of, but never fear, I have castigated myself often for this turn of events I've landed us in.”
She rubbed his arm, then gestured for him to continue walking. Despite her high heels, she fell into step easily beside him. “Well, if you're miserable, and she's miserable, what in God's name are you doing apart?”
“You know of my background, mademoiselle, oui?”
“Yes, Jamie told me.”
“Then you understand that I should never have dallied with her, should never have risked her heart as I did.” He scowled. “I know my role here, and it is not to involve myself with my mistress.”
“Honey, we all do foolish things when we are in love.”
That stopped him cold. He turned and stared at her. “I feel much for Jamie, do not misunderstand. More than any woman has wrought in me. But true amour? Non, I am not capable of that.”
“Oh, sugar, of course you're capable. We're all capable. A few months ago I'd have been first in line to agree with you, but not now. And you, of all people, should understand that the heart is always vulnerable.”
“Not mine. It is why I was cursed with this life. I respect love and all its mysteries, but never have I been in danger of succumbing to its demands myself.”
“Not until the one person comes along who can change all that.”
“Yes, that would seem to be true, and well I know it. But in hundreds of years, many women have crossed my path. Certainly if it were to happen, it would have by now. I daresay it cannot happen. Not to me.”
“Then why are you mooning all over the Quarter like an abandoned puppy?
I do not 'moon,'as you so eloquently state. I simply cherished her company; we shared many views and found we were alike in many ways. Kindred spirits perhaps. And because of this I taunted myself for a time with the possibility of basking in that shared bond.” He heard his own words and knew he was rationalizing. But to believe anything else was too dangerous. “I realized too late it was a risk I should neverhave taken. Jamie's heart has been dallied with unwisely in the past. I, of all people, should have stepped back, remained objective.”
“She told you about her marriages?”
“I am aware of them.”
“So she didn't tell you.” Ree slowed down a step or two, then turned an assessing eye to him.
“Non. Not in detail.” He stifled a sigh and slowed his pace as well, until they were stopped and staring at each other. Well, he was staring at a point past her shoulder, but he could feel her gaze squarely on him.
“Would you like to know about them?”
He looked at her and found that her expression had turned harsh.
“You know, maybe it would help you search for her perfect mate.”
He could not hold her accusing gaze.
“Of course, why you think you need to look beyond your own mirror I don't know. Whoever said love is blind sure as hell knew what they were talking about.” Before he could respond, she suddenly grinned and added, “Oh, and I forgot to thank you, by the way.”
He narrowed his gaze. “For?”
“Angel.”
He actually felt heat rise in his cheeks. “I was merely a catalyst. I did nothing more than play guide. You weren't to know.”
“Yeah, well, some rules are made to be broken. Or badly bent, anyway. Speaking of rules, you have to 'guide'Jamie now, right? I mean, I hear Jack is matched, and you're still here. So you have no other choice?”
“Had I another option, I'd have taken it.” Ree had that relentless look in her eye, and Sebastien realized how she'd become such a success. “I hope that Angel has opened his mind enough to allow you to assisthim in his business. You two will do quite well as a team.”
Ree laughed openly, causing several people to look their way as they passed by. “Oh, sugar, you have no idea.” She gestured at the next corner for them to cross. “I have to circle back to the shop. Marta's holding the fort and I can't leave her for long.”
He nodded and crossed to the opposite corner. Part of him wanted to quicken the pace and end this interlude. But a greater part wanted to slow down and prolong it as much as possible. He stifled a groan. Had he become so pathetic that he longed simply to be close to any acquaintance of Jamie's?
He said nothing as they wandered down another block, but when the shop loomed ahead at the next corner, the question was torn from him. “Will you tell me? About the men she married?”
Ann sighed dramatically. “I thought you'd never ask.”
“If you were so determined, you simply could have told me.”
She shook her head. “I had to know it was important enough to you to ask yourself.”
He sighed deeply, not hiding his frustration. “It has been centuries of time and even that has not been long enough for me to unravel the vagaries of the female mind.”
Your Wish Is My Command Page 23
