She smiled up at him. “Which is just the way we like it, sugar.” She pulled him to the side of the walkway and stepped into the recessed area of a gated alleyway.
“Now, listen. Jamie's daddy is a race-boat driver, as was Jamie for a number of years.”
“This I know. We have been on the water together. It is in her blood.” As it is in mine, he almost added, but caught himself. One look in Ree's considering eyes told him she'd seen it anyway. Damn female.
“Well, she was young, just out of college, and on the international circuit herself for the first time. Her daddy let her race a little as a youngster, but after she passed her high-school equivalency with a tutor, he made her come back here to get a degree. Something to fall back on, you know. Anyway, she was young and quite a daredevil when it came to racing. It's a very testosterone-driven sport, and Jamie had always been a tomboy. 'One of the guys,'if you know what I mean. Being a tomboy was the only way to be taken seriously.”
“I understand this.”
“She had confidence oozing from her pores when it came to climbing on those death traps she raced. But where men and relationships were concerned … well, she wasn't quite as certain of her feminine wiles. In fact, she was pretty certain she didn't have any at all.”
“This I can also understand.”
Ree raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
Sebastien saw a flare of protectiveness rise in Jamie's friend, and he relaxed somewhat. Ree would be there for her always. “Jamie chose her friends wisely.” When Ree merely nodded, he went on. “When I first met her, I was not drawn to her in the ways I am usually drawn to a woman. She is not … overt, in her sensuality.”
“But?”
“The fire is there,” he said quietly. “Always there, for the one who knows to look for it.”
Ree fanned her neck. “Why, yes, you do understand a little about women.”
He smiled. “I offended her initially, though unintentionally. I was clumsy in explaining my attraction to her.”
Ree smiled as well. “Apparently you eventually worked that out.”
There was both pleasure and pain in his response. “Oui. That we did.” He cleared his throat. “Tell me of this first man in her life.”
Ree snorted in disgust. “He was the darling of the racing world. Blond, blue-eyed Swede. Sexy, cocky as hell, and a damn good racer. But he lost his sponsorship with an Italian conglomerate because he ran a little too fast and loose for their corporate tastes. So he was looking for new sponsorship dollars.”
“He sought to get them through Jamie? Through her father?” Many things fell into place at that moment. “Why not go directly to her father?”
“Because he knew he needed to settle down—or at least appear to—if he was going to get anyone to pay serious attention to him. By marrying Jamie he achieved that goal and got the sponsorship from her daddy. But he never had any intention of really slowing down his playboy ways. He merely intended to be more discreet.” She paused, her eyes reflecting both the anger and pain she felt on her friend's behalf.
“You know, I don't think it was finding him in bed with two of his racing groupies that really did her in. It was when the ass tried to explain to her that he really didn't think she could handle his rather abundant needs and should be grateful he didn't put the demand on her alone.” She snorted. “The bastard basically told her she was incapable of satisfying a real man. Jamie was too mortified to break the guy into a million drownable pieces. She left him and took her dad's sponsorship with her. She figured it was the only thing she had that he ever really needed. They divorced fairly quietly.”
Sebastien felt twin surges of fury and pain. He wanted to hunt down the bastard and kill him for what he'd done to Jamie, and he wanted to go to her and make her understand just what an idiot the man had been. But, then, he realized she knew that now.She was well aware of just how satisfied a man could be in her company. She'd learned that with him. Somehow, knowing that didn't make him feel the least bit better. “What of the other one?”
Ree seemed a bit taken aback at his rougher tone, but she went on without comment. “It was several years later. His name was Steve. He was a bit older than Jamie and a friend of her father's. He was a racer as well, but money didn't appear to be an issue and he truly seemed to be interested in Jamie.”
“What happened?”
“He had been married before, which Jamie felt made him even more compatible. Apparently, his wife had left him for a younger man. Well, ex-wifey came back into the picture about six months after Steve and Jamie were married. Appeared she didn't much like life off the circuit and wanted her old life back, complete with her old husband. She went after him, guns blazing.”
“And the bastard chose her over Jamie?”
Ree nodded. “He offered her a generous divorce settlement, which Jamie promptly tossed back in his face.” She studied him for a moment, then said, “So you can see why she was a bit wary of starting another serious relationship. You're the first man since Steve that she's been remotely interested in. And I'd say her interest in you was far from remote.”
Sebastien didn't know what to say. He'd never felt so acutely that he'd let another person down. He'd done that and more to Jamie. Shame for his cowardice filled him.
“She didn't fight to keep either of those men. I think she knew then they didn't deserve her loyalty or her commitment. Much less her heart.”
I wanted you. After I said I would never allow myself to want again, Iwantedyou anyway. Her words echoed in his head,in his heart. This time I finally thought I'd found something worth fighting for.
Ree rubbed her hand over his arm again, her voice gentling when she spoke. “She doesn't want anyone else, Sebastien. If she can't have you, please, just leave her alone.”
He looked into her earnest eyes and felt an anguish, a bleakness, that he had never felt before. “I cannot. ”
Those eyes flashed instantly to anger. “Then do something about it, dammit. Go after her. Fight for her, for yourself, for both of you. Someone sure as hell should.”
“I can promise her so little. My fate—”
“Is not determined until you have exhausted all the possibilities. But you didn't, did you?” she demanded.
He knew the truth was on his face. All his rationalizations were so much refuse, littering the ground beneath his feet.
“You don't even know what the hell all the possibilities are,” she accused, with deadly aim. “At least if you fail in the end, you'll know you did everything in your power to keep her. You'll know she was worth trying for. And for once, so will she.”
Chapter 22
It was dark but still sweltering when Jamie finally turned into the alleyway leading behind the bookstore. Her car was there, which meant Ree had either gotten a ride from Marta or she was with Angel. Jamie would bet money on the latter.
“Good for her,” she murmured, but couldn't help feeling the teeniest bit jealous. Okay, she was green. Through and through.
Ree had been right: The drive in the country was a good one. The summer air was hot enough that she'd kept the top down as the sun set and the stars began to rise.
Out on the winding River Road, she had almost convinced herself that everything would be okay. She had her friends, an occupation she derived a great deal of satisfaction from, a fulfilling hobby, and a home to furnish and settle into. All in all, she'd made the transition from the racing circuit to the real world pretty painlessly. And she was happy with her life. Truly. Her father had been right. He'd seen what the circuit was doing to her, both emotionally and physically. She'd always crave the excitement of racing over the open water, but she didn't miss the rest of it. This was what she needed.
She'd even almost gotten herself believing that her brief interlude with Sebastien should be seen as a signof hope. Her heart wasn't permanently out of order, and maybe, just maybe, one day in the distant future, fate would be kind enough to hand her a man who wouldn't bust it into a million jagg
ed little pieces.
Tears suddenly burned behind her eyes. She blinked hard a couple of times to keep the tears at bay, then got out of the car, put the top up, and locked it.
Okay, so she really didn't believe that last part yet. But she was working on it. That was good, right? She'd gone into this relationship with her eyes open and had taken her chances, knowing what she risked. That it had ended in disaster was only a minor setback. It felt incredibly major, but if she kept telling herself that it was merely a stumble along the path to maturity and wisdom, she'd eventually see it that way.
Sebastien stepped from the shadows just as she fished out her door key. “Jamie.”
Jamie jumped. For a split second she honestly thought she'd conjured him up. But he stepped forward then, the moonlight glinting off his dark eyes. She could feel him viscerally, just standing there, several feet in front of her. As if she'd been invaded. Her senses certainly had. He was no delusion come to call.
It took everything she had to steel herself against doing what she most wanted to. Which was to launch herself into his arms and beg him to stay. Just for one night. Then for as many more as she could shamelessly persuade him to agree to. But the one thing she'd managed to hang on to in all her previous relationships was her dignity. Even with her heart and hopes in tatters, she'd never groveled, never begged, never cried.
She'd already figured out that was because the others weren't worth begging. So what did that say about her, that she still felt like begging Sebastien to give them another chance?
“What are you doing here?” Her voice was harsh, but it was the best she could do.
“We have to talk.”
“No, I don't believe we have to do anything. I've said everything I wanted to say.” Except I loveyou. That little revelation sealed her throat over.
“I need to talk with you, Jamie. Please, allow me to come upstairs.”
Oh, no, she thought, panic filling her. Upstairs was too intimate, too personal. She'd never be able to rid herself of his presence then. “No,” she managed. “I asked you for only one thing.”
He stepped closer. “I know, but—”
Suddenly it was all too much. The depth of her feelings for him, the confusing emotions ripping around inside her—it was all too much. “I can't go through this again.” There was desperation in her tone, but she couldn't help it. She was desperate. “I'm still not doing so well from our last good-bye.” She looked up into his eyes, knowing the vulnerable picture she painted, but damned if she could do anything about it. “This isn't a game to me, Sebastien.” Her voice began to break. “I can't play with you anymore.”
She tried to push past him, but he stopped her with a hand on her arm. Her heart leapt in foolish response, overjoyed that he hadn't let her go. Her head pounded a fierce tattoo of pain as she tried to realign her resolve to leave and not look back. “Please don't,” she whispered, not sure if she was appealing to him or to herself.
He turned her very gently to face him, tipping her chin up when she wouldn't look at him. Whatever he saw in her eyes, she thought, might be mirrored in his own. Pain, heartache, anguish. It was all there. It undid what little resolve she'd managed to muster.
“Please, don't leave me,” he said.
It was like a knife plunging into her heart, the pain was so clean and swift. “I'm—I'm not going anywhere,” she whispered, unable to do more than that. “For the moment.” She found she had some dignity left. A tiny shred, but she clung to it.
“I failed you,” he said. “Horribly.”
She looked at him then, confused. “You mean … because you haven't been able to match me?” She freed herself and walked several feet away, reaching in vain for some semblance of control. “Well, I told you to save your energy.”
He stalked up behind her and swung her around, the rage and fury in his eyes shocking her into silence. “When you needed me to trust you, I failed you. Despite all the souls I've brought together, when it was most important I did not understand the true fragile nature of a heart. Not yours. Not mine.” She started to speak, but he spoke over her words. “Your heart has been sorely mistreated in this life, and I am the worst offender of all, because I should have known better. Where those before me never cherished what you had to offer, I did. And yet I handed it back to you as if it meant nothing.”
Slowly, Jamie began to understand. He knew about her husbands, what had happened in her marriages. Now the anger pulsed, and she welcomed its warm embrace. “Who told you? Never mind, it doesn't matter.” She poked a hard finger into his chest. “And now you're here because you feel guilty. Because when the choices got tough, you bailed out, just like they did. Well, you know what? I don't need your damn guilt, and I sure as hell don't need any pity.”
He gripped her wrist and pulled her up close, his eyes blazing into hers. “I don't give a damn about those men. I know they weren't worthy of you. And this isn't about pity, because you damn well know they didn't deserve you. This is about us. I should havebeen worthy of you, Jamie. I was the one who should have realized what was at stake. I was the one who should have fought for you.”
She pulled from his hold, terrified that if she let him touch her a moment longer, she'd crumble when he stopped. “I don't want to be fought for now.” A lie for certain, but she had to protect herself. “You made your decision. I got over them. I'll get over you.”
That stopped him. If he'd sliced into her earlier, she'd just returned the favor tenfold, judging by the pain filling his eyes. He stood there and stared at her, feet braced apart as if to withstand the blows of the sea, hair tossing wildly around his head in the night breeze, eyes stark and empty.
When she couldn't bear the anguished silence a second longer, she turned toward the house.
“What if I don't want to be gotten over?” he asked hoarsely.
Now it was her turn to go still. Her heart made a small leap of life even though she ruthlessly sought to quash it. She turned back to him. “You said you had nothing to offer me. Your life is not your own to give. When you match me, you will be gone.”
He crossed the small space separating them, his expression so fierce and determined she almost backed up a step. Almost.
“Maybe I cannot find you another mate. Maybe there is no one else. Only me.”
Now her heart stopped leaping about. In fact, it stopped altogether. “What are you saying? Are you saying you're not really—”
“I am what I claim to be. You do believe that, don't you, Jamie?”
She nodded. “Yes. I think maybe I always have. I've wanted to believe almost anything else. Maybe because I knew from the moment I saw you in my attic that—”
He touched his fingers to her lips, then curledthem into his palm as if he couldn't bear to do only that. “That what?”
Too much was happening, too many things had to be figured out before she was ready to tell him what she felt. She shook her head. “Why did you let me leave? I was willing to stay, to try and find a solution.”
“Because I didn't believe in myself. I didn't trust this new feeling I have enough to fight for it. I thought I was doing the right thing. I truly did not believe I was made to feel this for anyone, the way I see men with women every day of my life spent on this earth. You deserved more than that.”
“What changed your mind?”
“I have spent these past weeks—how did Madamoi-selle Broussard phrase it?—'mooning all over the Quarter like an abandoned puppy.'
“You've talked to Ree?” Jamie blew out a harsh sigh. “So she told you.”
“She only wanted to see to your happiness. But it wasn't just learning of your past. All that did was help me put my own actions and decisions into perspective.” He stepped closer. “But I already realized I had done the wrong thing. I missed you. More than I thought a man could miss the company of a woman.” He began to pace. “I realized I could not tolerate the idea of anyone else having you. I want your smile, your laughter, your temper, your moods.” H
e stopped and sighed. “I want you all for myself. When I told you it was over, I thought I did what was best for both of us. But in truth, I was afraid. Afraid to trust that what I felt was worthy, was good enough, to risk more pain. But, monDieu, there can be no deeper pain than this.”
Jamie didn't know what to say.
“Unlike those before me, I cherish you. I have never stopped wanting you, never stopped wishing it could be different for me. For us.”
Jamie's heart pounded so hard that she couldn't hear herself think. “You're still what you are.”
Now he did close the space between them. “Oui. But now I am willing to try to discover if there is a way for this to work.” He reached out to stroke her face, but she stepped back a pace and he dropped his hand to his side. “Have you given up on me, then? Have I lost you because I was too afraid to trust in my own heart?”
Jamie pulled back another step. “I don't know what I feel.” She did know. She'd fallen deeply in love with him. But that was the last thing she could tell him right now. More false hope was the last thing either of them needed.
“You said you would have fought for me,” he said. “For us. Do you no longer consider this a worthy battle?”
“I thought so when I was in your arms, in your bed. I thought I wanted you to come charging to the rescue and pledge your undying love to me.” She looked at him, letting him see all the pain and confusion that was in her heart. “I want you, Sebastien. More than I've ever wanted anyone.”
“Then why the sadness in your eyes, mon amour?”
“This is supposed to be the happy ending, right? Boy gets girl, loses girl, then discovers he can't live without her. Girl rejoices. Boy and girl live happily ever after.” She paused, unsure how to explain, then simply said, “How come this doesn't feel like happily ever after?”
Jamie—
“No, listen to me. Your future hasn't changed. Maybe you were right all along. I thought I could handle a relationship with you even knowing that our future was uncertain. After these past weeks I'm not so sure I would survive it. I don't think I can do happily until he has to leave.”
Your Wish Is My Command Page 24
