by Tj Hannah
Sophia tenses and lifts her head. Her breath comes out shaky, her eyes still distant and confused, but the drug is taking her over. Calming her down.
“Lance wasn’t just some guy I knew,” she says as fresh tears spill down her face. “Lance was my little brother.”
Chapter Nineteen
Sophia
The look of pity is everywhere. They all stare at me. They all feel sorry for me.
This pathetic girl. This tiny girl who couldn’t save her brother. This weak thing that needs to be protected.
I push back against Corbin’s body even though it’s the only place I want to be. My head swims. My body shivers. My legs shake as Corbin sets me in the sand.
But I fight it. I will not be weak.
Corbin puts his hand on my back, and I grab it. I lace my fingers through his and begin my long and painful walk to the cabin. My lungs are burning and my throat raw. All my muscles scream.
Corbin doesn’t speak, and I think he knows not to. I don't know what he could say right now that would make me feel better.
His hand in mine is enough of a tie to the sane world to help me stand. He doesn't walk ahead or behind me; he keeps perfect pace. I momentarily hate him for being so good to me, for giving me something I don't deserve.
Almost as soon as we walk through the cabin door I stumble. My knees only having enough in them to get me out of the sight of all the others.
I stumble and Corbin catches me, his arms curling me into him and propping me up. The bubbling tears choke me, so I let them fall freely. I don't care if he sees me. I don't care what he thinks of me.
"I miss him," my voice gurgles. "I miss him so fucking much."
The pain of my brother's death rips me open like it did the first time. Like it does everytime.
Corbin pulls me to the small couch in the one-room cabin, weaving through kegs. Just as we sit down there's a knock at the door.
"Fuck off!" Corbin yells.
Silence.
"Thank you,” I say, and Corbin shrugs, his eyes searching me as if to try to see exactly what part of me is falling apart.
"Are you cold?" he asks. "Do you need anything?"
He seems uncomfortable, tense, but yet he's saying and doing everything right.
"I'm sorry. You can go if you want. I just need some time."
He stretches his legs out on the couch and pulls me so that I'm lying on top of him, wrapping me up tightly against his bare chest. I can feel his warmth, and hear the sound of his heart.
"I don't have anywhere to be."
I smile to myself, but don't say anything. It's true; I just need time. While the meds keep the panic down, I still go over it my head. The water moving up over my body, swallowing me. Filling my lungs as I tried to scream.
"It's like if you imagine the worst thing that could ever happen to you," I start, not knowing where the words are coming from or why I’m telling him. I didn’t want to tell him about Lance. But something about Corbin makes me want to talk. "And then you watch it happen to the person you love most in the whole world."
Corbin runs his hand over my wet tangled hair. The person I loved the most in the world. Lance and I were best friends. We took care of each other because our parents were too busy taking care of other people. We protected each other because we couldn’t count on anyone else. But I let him down.
Even with my eyes open I see him. I stare at Lance's face under the water, just like in the dream. He was perfect. My little brother.
"Lance was my parents’ favorite." Again I don't know why, but I just can't keep it in anymore. Not around Corbin. The heat of his body and softness of his touch makes me want to dredge the muddy bottom of my mind, dig up everything and find those hidden treasures. I know I have memories in there that are good. Memories of my family, of Lance that aren't covered with muck and weeds.
"That's ridiculous, Sophia." Corbin tries to sound encouraging like everyone does. But there's a tone hidden in there that doesn't believe it's that's far off. A tone that knows parents don't always love their children equally. Or at all.
"You asked me why I came here, up on your roof the other night. Well I couldn't be truthful. Not completely. It hurts too much to admit it to myself, but I can tell. The way they look at me sometimes. They wish it was the other way around. That Lance had lived, and I had died."
Corbin wraps me up tighter. "Bullshit."
"You don't see it. You never knew Lance. He was perfect, beautiful, smart. He got everything without ever trying. He went to this fancy high school on a lacrosse scholarship while I had to hire a math tutor so I could pass eleventh grade. He was good at everything; I struggled. He had friends. He could charm anyone and I was just, I don’t know, just me. He stood out while I shrunk into the background.”
Corbin rolls so that we’re lying on our sides, facing each other on the couch. He cups my cheek and puts his thumb over my mouth.
“No more.” He kisses me lightly as if I’ll break. “You charmed me, Sweet Sophia. You stood out to me.”
“I don’t need you to make me feel better.”
“But it’s true. And I’m not easy to charm. My ability to form attachments is lacking. My mom took off on me. She up and disappeared. She took my sister and left me behind. I know what you’re going through is harder than what I deal with. More heartbreaking. But my mom chose to leave me behind. If your parents could choose, they would have chosen to keep both of you. To love both of you.”
The tears slide out before I can stop them. “I think about it too, sometimes.”
“About what?”
“That it was supposed to be me who died. I wish it wasn’t me they saved.”
Corbin’s eyes go distant. “I wish I knew what to say to that.”
“There’s nothing to say.” I look up to keep from crying again. I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of this erosion that slowly carves me out like water droplets in a cave. Each mind numbing drop chipping a little more, filling me with nothingness.
After what feels like forever, he stands and takes my hands.
“Corbin, what are you doing?” I ask but let him pull me up.
“I’m not going to tell you that you’re wrong.” Corbin laces his fingers in mine, pulling me behind him. We move to the tiny bathroom, and he puts me in front of the mirror. I’m horrified at my puffy eyes, blotchy skin and stringy wet hair, but behind me, Corbin smiles in all his simple glory.
“I’m not going to tell you it doesn’t suck. But I just wish you could see yourself like I see you.” He puts his hand over my face to block my view then lowers it. I squint at myself, but all I see is splotchy sadness and guilt.
“I’m really not what you think I am, Corbin. I wish I could be. But…” I let my voice trail off.
But I let my brother die.
He sighs. “My sister got knocked up by a 20-year-old when she was sixteen. I was nineteen. I got arrested by my own mother for beating the hell out of him when she knew it would mean I’d have a record. After my mom left, my dad started to legitimately kick the shit out of me, or did until I learned to wait until he was so drunk that I could beat him. I could never go to college because I had shit grades and an even worse attitude. I have secrets inside me that burn so bad that I can barely stand it. Some days I hate everything I represent. I’m a coward, an asshole and a liar. Under it all, that’s what I am.”
“Corbin…” I start, my heart thundering behind my ribs. I’m locked onto his eyes in the mirror but can see his jaw tensing out of discomfort. No one likes to admit the darkest parts of themselves.
“But other days,” he continues cutting me off. “Other days I’m the guy who was given an opportunity to learn a trade. The Uncle to the most wickedly smart nephew in existence. I’m the one who has friends better than I could ever have asked for. That keeps a bar going and people employed. I put a roof over a useless man’s head because I can’t bear where he’d be without me. I’m the guy who looked at a girl once and the girl looked bac
k. So it's not all bad. It's never all bad."
I spin around so that I can face him. By the look on his face, I can tell he’s never said anything like this before. It makes me smile to know he braved it for me.
“That girl is still looking.”
“That girl is alive. Alive with all the shit that life brings. All the memories of the fucked up stuff that happens. That girl has a brother who would have gladly given himself up to make sure his sister had a chance at life. I would have.”
“I didn’t get to choose.”
“No. You didn’t. But you can now. You can choose to watch Lance die over and over. Or you can let him live as part of you. It’s up to you.”
“It’s too hard.” I breathe out deeply, and Corbin laughs.
“The nice thing is you don’t have to right now. Right now the only thing you have to choose is between pizza and Thai because you’re staying with me tonight. That, you don’t get a say in.”
He smirks and sends a ripple of overwhelming emotion through me. I press the heel of my hand to my mouth and laugh and cry at the same time. Letting Lance out. Letting Corbin in. Lance was the only person I ever trusted, and until now, I never realized how closed off I actually am. How terrifying it is to open myself up to anyone. I lean forward, pressing my forehead to Corbin’s chest, and he rubs his hands up and down my arms.
“I really don’t deserve you.” The words form before I can stop them.
“And I don’t deserve you. I told you; we’re a fucking tragedy. We might as well get every bit we can out of it. You know what they say. Tragic sex is fucking phenomenal sex.” He grabs my hand, but I stop him from moving forward.
“I’ve never heard that.”
“No?” he says coyly and shrugs.
xxx
“This isn’t exactly what I had pictured when you said I would be staying with you tonight.” I whisper in Corbin’s ear while curled next to him on his couch in his packed living room. He looks at me with that half smile and tucks me tighter against him.
“They wanted to hang out. You may have not been here long, but you’re one of us now.”
“One of us. One of us.” Riley and Jackson start chanting. Both sitting in bean bag gaming chairs on the ground.
“Okay, that’s really creepy.” I kick the back of Jackson’s chair.
“How many pizzas am I getting?” Becca calls from the kitchen. “Two?”
Garett laughs and sets down a bunch of glasses on the coffee table and a grocery bag full of mega sized pop bottles. “Try five.”
“Five?” Becca pops her head around the doorway. “Are you serious?”
“Babe, how many pieces do I usually eat? Times that by five. Five and a half counting you three ladies.” Jackson says while Becca counts quickly in her head.
Corbin looks at me again with this knowing look on his face. He meant to distract me tonight.
“Speak for yourself, Jack,” Tobie says from the other side of me on the couch. “I can eat a whole pizza by myself. This thing in me is ravenous.”
“Don’t blame the baby, T.” Tosh cowers as Tobie smacks his leg.
Becca orders the pizzas and slides down into Jackson’s lap. “I’m glad you suggested a movie night, Corb. It’s been such a long time.”
Riley finally speaks up from his place at the kitchen table flipping through the newspaper. “I can’t believe it was the last day of classes and no one will get drunk with me.” There’s a teasing tone to his voice, and he slaps the newspaper closed before moving to the couch and sitting on the floor in front of me.
Garett puts in a movie and flops down into his own chair. “Dude, tomorrow’s going to be insane. I need to make up for my lack of sleep early. You can get drunk enough for both nights.”
The movie comes on loudly and I wrap my arms around Corbin’s waist, putting my mouth close to his ear.
“Thank you.” I whisper, and he turns his head to me. Lifting my chin with his finger he kisses me lightly.
“Anytime.”
xxx
My eyes flutter open to pure darkness. Only a faint green glow from the DVD player casts any light in the room. Corbin's chest rises and falls slowly beneath my cheek. His even breathing is the only sound. I take a moment to live in his breath, spreading my fingers out over his chest. When I do his arms tighten around me, and I realize I'm cold, even with his warmth.
"Corbin?" I whisper and shake his arm. His head snaps up and his eyes open groggily.
"Huh?"
"I'm cold. Why are we still on the couch? When did everyone leave?"
He looks at me with this adorable half-sleeping confused expression. "Everyone lives here. They just went to bed." Except I know that's not true. Tobie and Tosh must have snuck out, or I'm way more exhausted than I originally thought.
"Why didn't we?"
Corbin shifts and we both sit up. He rubs his hands vigorously over his face and stands, stretching out his shoulders.
"You looked comfortable. I didn't want to wake you."
I take his hand and lead him up the stairs to his room, closing the door behind us. He pulls off his shirt and snaps open the buckle of his belt. I stand there a little dumbfounded as he takes everything off except his boxers, which are tight. I forget that we are sleeping. I forget that sleeping requires sleeping clothes, or no clothes. I’ve never stayed over anywhere before. I’ve never had the opportunity to, and even then, my nightmares would make me say no.
"You want a shirt or something?" he asks, pulling a simple red t-shirt off the back of a wooden chair in the corner. I take it and he sits on the edge of the bed, watching me. I wonder if I should turn around to change but remember his mouth has been on my breasts, his fingers inside me. So I pull off my shirt, unsnap my bra and let it fall to the floor. I wiggle out of my pants until it’s just me standing in front of him in my underwear. Quickly, he pulls the shirt out of my hand and tosses it on the floor.
“Good enough.” He pulls me down onto the bed and tangles me up, under the thick grey comforter. Our bare chests pressed against each other. I kiss his neck, mostly because it’s the only piece of skin I can get access to.
"Careful or you'll wake me up fully." Corbin sleepily mutters into my hair and I run my hands up his back and drag my fingernails back down to the waist of his boxers.
"What if I want you awake?" My body is buzzing with the memory of the roof. With the availableness of Corbin, half naked in his bed. I suddenly feel the desire to touch him like he did me. To give him what he gave me.
I push his shoulder so that he's flat on his back and climb on top of him. His eyes are open now; his mouth pulled into that little smile.
"I'm definitely awake now." He runs his hands over my shoulders, down my back and squeezes my hips that straddle his. I lean down to his mouth and kiss him, sucking his lip into my mouth and biting down. The taste of him is becoming part of me. I crave it.
I totally understand Tobie’s words now. Corbin is becoming my drug. He's becoming the thing that makes me feel good. Lovable. The way his eyes absorb me are giving me a tiny glimpse of how he sees me. It makes me feel like maybe I can figure out how to live again. Right now, I just want to live in him.
I want to live in all of him.
Chapter Twenty
Corbin
So, blowjobs are awesome. The best ones are not glamorous, but sexy as hell. I love being able to watch Sophia trail down my chest with her mouth, her hair teasing my skin making my muscles ripple, her fingers grazing almost every inch of me. She runs a hand lightly over my boxers, watching for my reaction. Her eyes are big and deep, and I can’t focus on anything but how amazing it feels to be looked at like this. To be explored like this.
Her hand slides under the waist of my boxers and my eyes close automatically as I’m overtaken with her touch.
It’s not even really that my dick is in her hand that turns me on the most; it’s more that she really wants my dick in her hand. It’s more that she can flip me on my back
and show me that she likes what she’s doing. That she wants to turn me on and takes her time doing it. That she kneels over me shirtless, and takes a journey across my body, and it seems to be just as much for her as it is for me. Most girls I’ve been with do things because they think that’s what they should want. Not because they actually enjoy it. Even Kayla. Wild outspoken, adventurous Kayla. But as Sophia runs her hands up and down, taking in every bit of me I realize even Kayla didn’t know what she wanted. We weren’t in it for each other. I was there for me. She was there for her. A means to an end.
But not Sophia. She’s on a mission. I’ve never felt more wanted, more desired, in my life. Strangely, that’s what’s driving me over the edge before she even gets my boxers all the way off.
Normally, this is when my head would go back, and I’d use whatever imaginary visuals I needed to get me off faster, but as her tongue slides along the length of me I reach up to hang onto the headboard and I watch her control my entire being. It feels different than any other I’ve had. More intense. Better.
Whatever is happening inside me, I want it to last.
And I want to watch.
xxx
By morning, Sophia is still curled into my side, her hand on my stomach, her head on my chest. It’s surprisingly comfortable to have her sleeping like that, seeing as I’m usually the roll-over-and-don’t-touch-me type.
I hear banging around downstairs and wonder what time it is. I shift to grab my phone and Sophia’s eyes open.
“Sorry,” I say moving her hair from her face. She smiles at me through her sleepy stare.
“It’s okay. What time is it?” She shifts over onto her stomach, and I can’t help but to rub her back, leaning over and pressing my lips to her shoulder blade. Who cares about the time. I have a total morning wood and her soft moan at my touch doesn’t help. I run my hand over her ass, down to the back of her knee and then slowly trail back up the soft skin of her inner thigh.
I’m just about at my destination when my bedroom door flies open and a blurry figure darts into the room.
