by Tj Hannah
My chest constricts, as thoughts of Tobie flood my mind. My heart shatters every time I think of that truck. Every time I hear her scream ‘my baby’. Every time I see the twisted heap of silver as Corbin’s dad was pulled from the wreck. “What is this mess, Corbin?”
His eyebrows pull in, his head tilting further. I can see the soft focus and distance that my medication causes in his eyes. His lip twitches and slowly stretches out into the smile I love the most.
“The consequences.” He pulls on my hand so I move closer.
“Consequences of what?” I ask, letting him guide my chin with his fingers until my lips hover over his.
“Our tragedy.” He kisses me softly. “Our truth.”
“Our truth?” I speak between kisses. Between swelling in my chest. Between the love that pours in and around and through me. Between absorbing him with every breath.
“When I met you I was drowning in my own lies. You became my truth. The only thing keeping me afloat. Because the truth about us, sweet Sophia, is simply the truth.” He kisses my forehead and pulls my head to rest against his good shoulder. “And the truth has consequences.”
“The price of no more running,” I whisper. “No more hiding.”
He rests his head against mine. “No more lies.”
Chapter Twenty-eight
Corbin
It’s nearly impossible to describe what’s going on in my mind as I sit against the wall in my Dad’s grungy apartment. Whatever drug Sophia gave me numbs my thoughts and detaches me from them, making it as if I’m merely an observer in my own memory.
Telling Gaby in the way I did was a shit thing to do, but I couldn’t stop it. All the feelings bubbling inside and mixing together so I couldn’t separate them. The rational from the impulsive. Everything felt like a good idea and now I see how wrong it was. Now that I’m back with Sophia, watching the way she looks at me, my head is clearer. I meant what I said. No more lies. No more secrets. I know I need to call Mom. I need to make it right.
“Have you seen your parents?” I ask her and she shakes her head.
“I’m too scared. But I will. I texted Mom on my way here and told her I’d call when I was ready.”
I hug her tighter. “Good.”
“Your mom? Are you going to talk to her?”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “Yeah, I’ll talk to her.”
“Good.”
I twirl a strand of Sophia’s smooth hair between my fingers turn to kiss the top of her head.
“It’s really weird how two people can know the same person and not know the same person at all.” Sophia nuzzles into my neck and I fight the shooting pain across my shoulders.
“I’m not following.” The fog in my brain may keep me calm but it slows me down, too.
“Your mom saved my life.” It’s a blunt statement, but I pick up on what she means. How the Mother I’ve been angry with for years, the woman I’ve chosen to hate is the only reason I can sit here now, with the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I don’t say anything.
A few more minutes pass before Sophia sighs and pushes herself to standing. She swims in my hoodie, and I’m too wrecked to fully appreciate how sexy she looks in my clothes.
“Do you want to finish this?” She gestures to the fridge and I’m suddenly embarrassed by my behavior. I’ve never lost it like that, but the look on her face is serious. She’s not looking at me like I’m a child, or speaking with any sarcasm. She is genuinely willing to help me dump every drop of booze down that sink if that’s what I need.
But is that really what I need?
I look around the room again. This is fucking ridiculous. How did I end up here? How did I lose it for just long enough to drive away the person I’ve been protecting my entire life? My sister.
I shake my head, both at myself and Sophia’s question, just as my phone buzzes in my pocket. The vibration sends a chill through me and I really don’t want to look. Tosh’s name flashes and through the haze of medication, I’m not sure if I’m happy to hear from him, or terrified.
“Tosh?” I say.
“Hey, buddy. How are ya feelin’? I heard about your dad.” His tone is concerned but the exhaustion in his voice is draining even to listen to.
“I’m fine. How’s Tobie holding up? The baby?”
Sophia’s eyes get wide and she waves her hand in front of my face. The fear and sadness in her expression tell me exactly what happened.
“Fuck, man, I’m so sorry.” I tighten my grip around one of the beer bottles and smash it against the sink. One last vent of frustration.
Tosh clears his throat and stays silent for a long time before he speaks. “She still won’t talk to anyone. She just sits and stares. She’s not even crying anymore. I fucking hate seeing her like this, man. It’s ripping me apart.”
I glance at Sophia, who can hear Tosh. Her lip begins to tremble and I instinctively put the phone between my ear and shoulder to pull her into me.
“We’re coming to the hospital now.” I hang up on him and usher Sophia to the front door. She goes without question until we’re on the driveway and have no vehicle.
“Riley, I’m taking your car,” I yell up the stairs and grab the keys off the wall.
“Fuck you, you are!” he yells back, appearing at the top of the stairs. “You have a concussion you idiot. You are not driving.”
He hammers down the stairs and swipes the keys out of my hand. “I’ll drive you.”
xxx
On the way to the hospital we stop so Sophia can change and I become increasingly more nervous the closer we get. My head is pounding and I keep rubbing my eyes.
“Stop acting like you’re my mother; it’s fuckin’ annoying.” I glare at Riley when he asks me if I’m okay for the hundredth time.
He ignores me as he taps his fingers on the steering wheel. I’m just about to go check and make sure Sophia didn’t decide to take a nap or something when Riley sighs.
“So what are you going to do about Gaby?” he asks, not looking over at me, but squinting through the windshield at something invisible.
I shrug. “Wait for her to stop being pissed at me.”
“That was super douchey what you did.” Riley grips the steering wheel tighter just as Sophia steps out the front door.
“Since when are you so concerned about my sister?” I’m really not ready to talk about any of this right now.
Sophia pulls open the back door and slides into the car. Riley looks at me then in the rear view mirror and shrugs.
“I just said it was douchey.”
Sophia looks between us and I shake my head.
xxx
The hospital really is the last place I want to be.
Once we’re in the elevator the weight of it all starts to press on me. I don’t know what to expect when we walk in and judging by the nervous shifting, neither does Sophia.
“She won’t be mad,” I say, more for myself than Sophia. “She won’t be mad at us.”
Sophia squeezes my hand. The door dings. Tosh is standing directly on the other side of the sliding metal slabs.
Sophia flings herself at him and he catches her, shock splayed across his face. She pulls back suddenly and runs her hands all over his face and neck, checking his eyes, then pulling him back into her.
“Tosh, I’m so sorry.” She says, as he hugs her and makes shushing noises, all the while his eyes ask me what’s happening.
So much for holding it together. At least she's not crying.
“This is all my fault,” she mumbles and Tosh pushes her out at arm’s length.
“Absolutely not your fault. It was an accident, Sophia,” Tosh says not realizing the impact those words have on Sophia. I immediately pull her back to me, terrified she’ll have a panic attack. But she doesn't.
“Hey,” I say softly and force her to look at me. “No fault. We’re here to support Tobie. That’s it. She needs you, okay. She loves you.”
I curl Sophia into my s
ide. She grabs my shirt in her fist, and sighs. "I know. I'm sorry. I just can’t help it. Guilty is my go-to emotion.” She smiles and I kiss her hard.
“Tobie doesn’t understand the term blame, Sophia. Believe me. None of us deserve her, but right now she needs us.” Tosh tries to smile but it doesn’t take. He leads us down to her room where both Sophia and I need to take a deep breath before we go in. Tosh pushes the door open and my heart sinks. Sophia instantly becomes stoic and clings tighter to me. Tobie sits in her hospital bed; her pale dreads hang limply around her face. Her bright eyes no longer burn with a curiosity for life like they have since we were kids. She doesn’t look at us but out the window. I’m frozen by the door, unable to move closer. My mind runs wildly through meaningless thoughts as I try to decide what to say. I’m sorry isn’t enough. It’s okay is clearly not what she needs to hear. You can just have another baby seems horrible and cruel given the circumstances. I understand is just a fucking lie.
I look down at Sophia and my mind suddenly stills, stopping on a single thought. I walk to the edge of Tobie’s bed, Sophia still curled into my side, and I take Tobie’s hand. Her face turns to me but her eyes don’t focus on me. She watches Sophia.
Lifting Tobie’s hand, I kiss the back, and squeeze her fingers. “Take as much time as you need, Tobs.”
She squeezes my hand back but she still watches Sophia. Tobie pulls away from me and reaches out to Sophia, wiping the one tear from her cheek like a mother would. Sophia's chest rises and falls with heavy breaths but she manages to keep it together.
Sophia puts her hand over Tobie’s and something beyond anything I could understand passes between them. I feel the room get lighter, the mood shift, and the air get fresher. I don’t know why but I step back from them. Tosh looks at me, his eyes asking me what’s happening again but I shake my head. He looks hopeful and I want to ask him why.
Sophia climbs up onto Tobie’s hospital bed and wedges behind her. The same way I sat with Sophia against me on my roof, at the beach at Mills Lake. Sophia wraps her arms around Tobie’s shoulders and Tobie leans back against her. There are no tears, nor words. No condolences, nor encouragements. Tobie’s eyes close and she lets Sophia rock her slowly. I sit at the end of the bed now and just put my hand on Tobie’s shin. Tosh leans against the wall across the room. There’s a silence that hovers between us. A silence that now ties us together. Our lives. Our pasts, and now our futures, every event in each of our lives twisting and revolving and overlapping the other to weave us together. Tighter and tighter, I’m bound to these people. The people I love.
The thick heavy silence hangs in the room for a long time while Sophia holds Tobie. Suddenly she turns her head in and begins to whisper in Tobie's ear. I can hear the hush of her voice but the words all blend together. I want to know what she's saying but by the way Tobie's eyes fill with tears, I also feel like I'm intruding on their moment.
“I’d never realized until I came here that I was dealing with Lance’s death all wrong.” Sophia continues out loud and Tosh and I look at her. “Because instead of letting part of Lance live on with me, I let part of myself die the day he drowned.”
I’m overtaken with a feeling of exclusion. I don't feel bad about it. I don't really feel anything, and that's the problem. Tobie and Sophia bonding over a loss I’ll never understand makes me feel like a stranger in the room. Because of everything that’s happened, I’ll never feel the way about my father’s death that they feel about their losses. Not ever, and momentarily, I allow the pain to swallow up the numbness. It’s not natural to feel nothing at the death of a father. Itching to move, I get up and make my way to the door.
“I’m going to grab us some coffee. Tosh?” I point to my arm in a sling, implying that I need help and Tosh nods. He kisses Tobie on the forehead before we go.
xxx
“Sophia’s amazing, man.” Tosh rubs his face as we stand in the elevator. “She just knew. Knew what Tobie needed. Sometimes I wish I had some of that girl intuition shit. Amazing.”
I don’t look at my friend.
“Yeah, she really is.”
“You keep that girl, Corbin. Make her yours and keep her forever. I don't give a shit about your reputation.”
I laugh, but the truth is she doesn't need to be mine, because I'm already hers. For as long as she wants me, I'm hers.
Chapter Twenty-nine
Sophia
Tobie stays curled up in my arms after Tosh and Corbin leave and I rock her silently. I feel better now that I told her what happened. How my brother and I fought the day he died, and that's why I went in the water after him. That I blamed my parents for his death because they weren't there, but felt guilt because I was there and still I couldn't save him.
I try to convey my sympathy through my hug, knowing how awful it is to hear people say I'm sorry in that voice that just doesn't understand. I know I should be thinking about her but all I do is think about Lance. I think about sitting in my own hospital bed, much like Tobie.
"I had nightmares so bad that I was on constant medication for weeks after Lance died. I still haven't been back to that lake, but I dream about it. It's not nearly as bad. I'm only a fraction of what I was when it happened. I'll always be fucked up because of it. Always."
It's more of an admission to myself. The release that the words bring fill me with a sense of acceptance. An acceptance of myself. I'll always miss him. I'll always have nightmares. I'll always be a little fucked up, but that's okay.
"We're all a little fucked up, Sophia." Tobie's voice crackles and the sound brings tears to my eyes. "Some just a little more than others."
Tobie sits up and turns to me, her huge blue eyes focused but I still see the swirling pain underneath. I smile at her. "Some a lot more than others."
Taking my hand in hers, Tobie squeezes my fingers and I feel the mood in the room shift, if only a tiny bit. Tobie will be okay. I know that. She just needs time.
"Thank you, Sophia," she says and I nod, thinking she means my hug. Or, my support.
"I'll always be here for you, Tobie."
"No, I mean for letting me in. For trusting me."
A real smile breaks across my face and I gently push her shoulder. "Corbin isn't the only person I fell in love with here."
"Who'd have thought a simple ad on Craigslist could have changed us so much." Her lip twitches, but my gut turns.
"Right, about that. I can move out, if you and Tosh need some time." I look into my lap knowing I'll leave if she asks me to, but inside I keep hoping she won't.
"No, no. Having you around will be good for me. You start classes in the fall, and where will you go? I don't want you to move out, but-" She stops talking and I look up at her, her head tilted to the side. "But it might help if Tosh and I had a couple weeks. A couple weeks to find a new normal."
I pull at the sleeves on my sweater, wrapping them up in my fists. I hadn't thought about that. I hadn't thought about how something like this would change the dynamic of Tobie and Tosh. The jokes, the belly rubs, the midnight tea.
Something about Tobie's words hit me. To find a new normal. How hard it could be for them to rebuild their dynamic. It makes me think of my own parents. It makes me think of how much I made Lance's death about me. But what about them? What's their new normal?
A daughter who runs away. Who blames them for trying to turn her into the son they lost. Who changes her number and doesn't call for over a month, even to say she's okay.
"I think I know where I can go," I say. She gives me a knowing smile and I'm almost positive that she’d already been planning my trip home.
But before I do the inevitable, there's one more stop. And I need Corbin with me.
xxx
The old metal door clangs open and I step into the bar, followed by Corbin and Riley, who had waited in the car at the hospital. The room is dim, but familiar, and almost empty. The soft thud of the bass and clinking of glasses being cycled through the washer are the only sounds
. Kayla comes around the corner carrying a case of beer and stops dead when she sees us. My chest seizes at the sight of her swollen cheek and black-rimmed eye. Her eyes are wide and scared, but her mouth set defiantly. She continues to move toward us and sets the case on the bar.
"Kayla," Corbin says quietly as we approach the bar. "What the fuck happened to you?"
I notice Rich sitting in his regular spot, his hand tightly wrapped around his beer. His eyes find mine, and the wrinkles fold up around them with his frown as he shakes his head.
"I'm fine, Corb. Don't worry about it." She's tough. I wish I had a tenth of her strength, but by the way she lets her pale hair hang in her face and won't tilt her head up completely tells me that she might not be telling the truth.
"Of course you're fine, you're Kayla. I asked what the fuck happened," Corbin repeats and smirks. Kayla glances at me and I try to look encouraging, but I don't really know what that looks like.
Kayla sighs and tucks her hair behind her ear, the yellowish purple bruising going up into her hairline.
"He came in here, super messed up. Drunker than I'd ever seen him. He went on and on about some whore that ruined his life, his words, not mine, but he wouldn't stop drinking."
"My mom," Corbin states.
"I tried to make him stop but he just yelled at me. Called me names. That didn't bother me, I work in a bar. And my mom and all. Anyway, his phone rang, he answered it, and seconds later, he just exploded. Screaming at me. That’s when I locked myself in the office. Whoever he was talking to really pissed him off. I don’t know how it happened really. He got into the office, hit me, and took off with my car. I’m really sorry, Corbin. Really.”
“Yeah, me too,” Corbin mutters, reaching across the bar for her hand. She takes it but turns to me.
“You okay?” She asks.
I’m taken aback that she’d be concerned for me but I nod. “I’ll live.”
She smiles like I’ve made a joke. I guess it is kind of a joke. A sick and twisted one, but fitting for my life.
