by Tj Hannah
“I wish I could have told you, Gaby.” I fight to stay still, but my limbs shake now that the adrenaline is gone. The doors ding and Gaby slams her hand to force them open again.
“You could have! You could have told me a million times. Don’t blame this on Mom. You blame everything on her. Goddammit, Corbin. You’re just like him.” She screams at me and the words wind me. “Stop blaming everyone else. Stop lying. Stop trying to pretend you have anything straight in your head. You’re not sixteen anymore. You stayed behind. You did this. You chose to be the hero. You chose to hide it, or shield me from it, or protect me, or whatever fucking bullshit excuse you believe. This isn’t Mom’s fault; it’s both of your fault. He’s warped you. He fucked us all up but none more than you. Look at you. You’re not even upset. You don’t even care. He’s dead, Corbin. Dead. And all you think about is your fucking girlfriend and your misguided hatred of Mom.”
Every word is a hit. More painful than anything I’ve felt. More true than anything I’ve heard.
Be careful you don’t become him.
I’m not him. I know I’m not him, but I’ve become his balance. I became the reaction to his every action. I became a part of him by trying to protect everyone else from him. I never thought of anything but how to keep my life stable through controlling him and how people interacted with him.
I’m protecting you. Dad’s words hit me. Protecting me from Sophia and how she’d use me to get back at her dad.
Gaby disappears behind the sliding door, and I watch the light until it says she got safely to the main floor before I turn my gaze to Mom. The hurt on her face grinds the truth in further until I can’t breathe. He used me to get back at my mother. He knew that Gaby was pregnant. He knew that Mom would do whatever she had to do to protect Gaby. Mom had asked me to keep it secret from Gaby, but when I told my dad that day my family fell apart it hadn’t occurred to me that he’d always known. It hadn’t occurred to me that I’d just given him the perfect opportunity to hurt mom the way she’d hurt him.
Mom’s eyes spill over with tears, and for the first time I feel bad for her. I feel my anger shift with each rolling drop. She fucked up. She made a mistake. She made a decision that altered all our lives. But she didn’t do this to us. She didn’t tear apart our family.
He did.
My lungs fill, and I choke on nothing. My head goes foggy with every awful thing he did. Every lie he told. Every drink he took. Every swing. Everything. It all fills me, and I need to get it out. I need it out.
I move to the stairwell next to the elevator, and I slam open the door. I ignore the pain as I hammer down the stairs the sound echoing all around me, hitting me on all sides with their frantic urgency. I hear the door slam again and footsteps behind me. It doesn’t take long for Garett to catch up. He doesn’t look at me, or say anything; he just keeps pace until we get out to the parking lot. He pulls the keys to Tosh’s car out of his pocket and slides the right one into the door.
“Home?” he says but doesn’t look at me. I nod, unable to open my mouth for fear of what will come out. I’m holding on to it. I’m holding on to everything I feel if I make any sudden movement I know I’m going to explode. So I hold onto it.
xxx
I see my house come into view, and I have my seatbelt off before the car rolls to a complete stop. The door flies open, and I’m moving without any thought. I see nothing but hatred. I feel nothing but hatred. I’m propelled forward by hatred. Gaby’s already gone. Her car no longer in the driveway next to Riley’s. She must have got one of those taxis that always sit outside the hospital. She must have just grabbed Parker and left.
“Corbin!” Garett yells, but I’m at his door already. I yank the door handle, but it’s locked. I kick the door, and it cracks.
“Fucking hell, man! There’s a key upstairs.” Garett says and takes off to the house. This isn’t about a key. This isn’t about a door. This is about everything I’ve ever felt coming out, right now. It has to. I kick the door again, sending bits of the frame flying through the air. Another kick and the glass panel at the top shatters. One more and the lock finally lets loose, and I’m in. I ignore the slicing pain in my shoulder. I ignore Garett who returned with the key and Riley.
I see nothing but every single thing he has ever done. I hate everything he’s done. To me, to Gaby, to Parker, Mom, Kayla. Any one he’s ever come in contact with. I see everything I hate about him, and now he’s dead. He’s gone. And I hate him for that too.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Sophia
I've cried every ounce of moisture from my body by the time I walk all the way to Corbin’s house. I bang on the door with the heel of my hand and it doesn’t take long for Riley to answer. His concerned eyes take a moment to register me before he flings open the door and pulls me into his arms. I can’t cry anymore even if I wanted to, so I hug him like a zombie while he tells me how worried he was.
“I need to think.” I pull away from him and trudge up the stairs to the only spot I know where I can’t be found by anyone I don’t want to find me.
xxx
My knees are pulled to my chest and tucked inside Corbin's grey hoodie, the hood pulled up over my head. I found it on the chair in his room as I came through. It smells like him, laundry and earthy cologne, which helps to slow my mind a little.
I’ve gone over every scenario in my head. Staying. Leaving. Running. Facing my parents. But all I can do right now is hide. My legs are cramping and the shingles have become more than uncomfortable. I drift in and out of sleep for hours only to dream of Lance, or Corbin, or Tobie. My feet itch to go to Tobie but the thought fills me with fear. I wouldn’t know what to say.
I hear the sound of tires crunching rocks as they pull up the driveway and I hunch further down into Corbin’s sweater. A thud and someone yell.
Someone yells Corbin’s name and it jump-starts my body, a wave of fear crashing through me. Another thud. Another. More yelling.
I scramble to the ledge outside Corbin’s window and crawl back through into his room. The front door slams. My heart pounds as I head down the stairs to the entrance.
There’s a strange noise floating through the air and I peek around the doorframe, unsure of what to expect. The sound gets louder. It’s a smashing sound.
Riley and Garett stand motionless in front of the door to Corbin’s dad’s basement apartment. Garett’s eyes widen as I step onto the driveway. He shakes his head telling me not to go closer. But I do. I can’t stay away.
The crashing from inside comes in regular, rhythmic intervals.
Smash. Pause. Smash. Pause. Smash.
I push past Riley to stand in the doorway of Corbin’s dad’s place. The stench of booze is thick enough that I can taste it. Corbin’s arm is in a sling, he’s wearing no shirt. I can see bits of paper around his sling from where he ripped off the hospital shirt, his hair messy, the bruises on his face and chest make me hurt for him. His eyes are focused intensely but not on me. He doesn’t see me.
He moves back and forth in the kitchen between the fridge and the sink, carrying two glass beer bottles in his good hand. He gets to the sink and slams them against the side.
Smash.
He goes back and gets two more.
Smash.
The fridge is more beer than food and my first thought is that it’s going to take him all day to empty it with one hand. He reaches into the fridge once more and I step forward. Either Riley or Garett grabs at me but I yank my arm from their grip. I think only about Corbin. He needs to let it out, but I hate to see him like this. My heart squeezes in my chest and I take a deep breath as I step further into the room. Slowly I make my way to him. Glass crunching under my shoes. Corbin hears nothing. He’s lost. So far in himself he sees nothing, hears nothing. He grabs two more beers, spinning toward the sink. I put myself between him and his destination. His eyes take me in with no recognition. Just pure pain. I reach out and grab one of the bottles in his hand.
&nbs
p; He doesn’t let it go but neither do I. We are locked in a silent battle, neither of us giving in. The booze burns my nostrils and I wish I were back on the roof with him. Wrapped up in his smell. His smile. His laugh. I wish this side of him didn’t have to exist. I wish I didn’t have to face my parents. I wish he didn’t have to deal with this. I wish I didn’t panic every time I thought of my brother. I wish a lot of things but that doesn’t change the way it is right now.
I touch his face with my other hand, and his eyes finally register me.
“Sophia?” He loosens his grip on the beer but doesn’t let it go. I run my hand down his strong cheek, my heart shatters at the wobble in his voice.
“Oh, Corbin. What are you doing?” It’s all I can say, never letting go of the bottle. Still struggling to pull it from his grip.
“He’s dead.”
My chest crushes under the weight of his words, but something inside told me I already knew that. The way that car was wrapped around that light post. The number of paramedics surrounding him. I’m not surprised but my heart still breaks for Corbin. He looks battered and broken, shattered from the inside out. I feel dizzy. The stale air is burning. His stillness torments me. I see Lance’s face. Still beneath the surface of the lake.
“It’s okay to hate him.” I don’t know why I say it, but Corbin shifts. He tightens his grip on the bottle. I tighten mine.
“It’s okay to be angry.”
His dark eyes harden and he looks away. His chest heaves with breath and his shoulders begin to shake.
“It’s okay,” I repeat, just wanting him to know.
He loosens his grip on the bottles and I finally pry them from his grip. A small choke cuts off his next breath and I tell him again that it’s okay. He grips the counter for support as the first tears fall.
“It’s okay.” I touch his face and feel the heat of his emotions. Everything pent up pushing its way out. The first sob scares him, and he bends forward. I press his face to my shoulder, careful of his sling. He struggles to stand as another sob shakes through his body.
“It’s okay.” One more time before he crumples to his knees on the glass covered floor. I follow him down, his head still buried in my shoulder. His cries muffled by my hair and the fabric of his hoodie. If I had any ability to cry, I’d be crying with him, but I’m glad I don’t. I’m glad I can hold myself together for long enough to be there for him. To hold him through this, like he would for me.
This proximity to him reminds me how much I crave his touch. How easy it is to let him in. To be honest with him. I remember how much calmer I feel wrapped up in him and I’m ashamed that I ran. I’m ashamed that I didn’t go to him. Or Tobie. The only two people who accepted me and all my demons without question. The only two people who have made me feel like Lance’s death wasn’t my fault. And I hid on his roof like a coward. I wrap my arms tighter around him. He crushes me to his body with one arm, tangling his fingers in my hair as he lets it all out. How did I ever think I could walk away from this?
I look up and notice that Garett and Riley are gone, glad that Corbin gets a chance to have his breakdown without an audience.
It doesn’t take him long to slow his breathing and gather himself together again. He sighs and leans back against the wall pulling me with him. “I told her,” he says and I’m confused.
“Told who, what?”
“Gaby. I told her about Dad,” he starts but I have no idea what he’s talking about. I run my fingers through his hair as he tells me about the hospital. About seeing his mom and telling Gaby that the man she thought was her father her whole life was a lie.
“I’m sorry, Sophia. I shouldn’t-” he says after he’s done.
I pull back suddenly and press my hand to his mouth.
“You shouldn’t what? Be upset? Be angry? Be fucking sick of whatever it is you’ve been carrying around in here all these years?” I tap his forehead before both my hands find his face and something inside me clicks. “You have a right to be angry. You have a right to tell the truth. You have a right to. You should not be sorry. You should not have to carry it all on your own. So don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry.”
“But Gaby…” He stares past me and I force him to look at me again.
“Gaby will do what she needs to do to get through this. How you told her was shitty. What you just did was really shitty. But she’s your sister. She loves you. If she tolerated your Dad for this long just so Parker had a grandfather, she’s not going to cut you out. You still have a sister.”
His breathing is slowing and I’m surprised at my calmness. I’m unsure how I’m keeping myself together, but I guess one of us has to. We can’t both be broken and maybe that’s why we work. We are each other’s distraction, going back and forth until we can breathe again.
“It guts me, Sophia. The things I’ve kept from her. The things I can’t tell her.”
“Then tell me,” I say and Corbin’s head leans back against the wall.
“She was having an affair. Dad was always a dick, but it wasn’t until he found out that it got bad.” Corbin looks up as he talks avoiding eye contact. I shift on the floor next to him, tucking my legs into his big grey hoodie.
“Your mom?” I ask.
Corbin nods. “Yeah. Mom never intended for me to find out. But Gaby got really sick when she was nine. I was thirteen. We took her to the hospital and the doctors didn’t know what was wrong. Mom seemed really worried about something but she never told me what. I overheard her talking to the doctor, telling him that Gaby might have a different father. That she wasn’t certain, but it was a possibility.” Corbin still won’t look at me and I reach out as if to touch him, changing my mind at the last second. I don’t respond as my hand falls back into my lap, sensing that he doesn’t want me to. As if reading my mind he continues.
“Gaby got better. I never knew what was wrong. Mom never told me so I assumed she was fine. But I was angry. I was fucking pissed at Mom and I didn’t understand what I was doing. I never understood what would happen. But when I was fifteen, I told my dad. Mom had asked me to keep it a secret. That she didn’t want to upset Gaby. Mom and I had gotten into a fight and Dad took her side. I just told him. One sentence destroyed my family. A sentence that came from me.”
The crashing understanding hits me from all sides. Everything that never made sense about Corbin, his guilt and why he chose to stay behind. Guilt. Punishment. My eyes fill with tears and I fight them back again. It feels too real. Too close. The guilt I see in his eyes as he speaks is the same guilt I know so well.
“But it was the truth. Your mom had the affair. Not you.” I try to understand the only part that isn’t clicking. How it ended up like this. How it could have gotten this bad.
“It wasn’t. I told my dad that Gaby wasn’t his. But that wasn’t the truth, because I didn’t know. Mom didn’t know. Dad made mom get a paternity test for Gaby. He started drinking more. He became controlling, domineering. He started picking on Gaby and I watched it all happen. I started to protect her. That’s the first time he hit me. Told me it was my fault. Mom tried to defend me from that, but Dad just became more secretive and withdrawn. I don’t know why Mom didn’t leave then. I watched my family deteriorate because of one stupid thing I said when I was mad. And now I just did it again.”
I play with the sleeves of Corbin’s hoodie and chew on my lip while he talks. There's an anguish in his voice that almost transcends sound, causing a physical pain as it passes from his mouth.
“Mom had the test done but she made me promise not to tell Gaby. She blamed me. I blamed her. But more than anything we needed to protect Gaby. Then Gaby got pregnant. Dad became violent toward her instead of just me. Mom got scared. So she left and I stayed. I was nineteen, so it was up to me.”
“But why?”
“I had to make sure. I hated Mom for what she did, but I couldn’t leave him. I had to make sure he still had someone to take it out on so he wouldn’t try and find her. I had to ke
ep my promise to Mom and keep him quiet. For my sister and Parker. There was another life added to our mess.”
He looks at me with this hazy confusion as if I should have picked that up. Like I should have known that it was all his responsibility. I lean forward and fling my arms around his neck, wanting to absorb all his hurt, forgetting about my own. Also forgetting his broken collarbone. A sharp gasp of air sounds followed by a groan of pain. I sit back quickly and apologize in rapid-fire ‘sorrys’. The air is fast and heavy as he visibly tries to calm his breathing and it reminds me of my panic attacks. I dig through the pocket of the hoodie I’m wearing, pulling my bottle of pills. I shake them at him.
“Not technically pain killers but they’ll numb you out a bit so you can think.” I try to smile and he touches my face, running his thumb over my lip. Like the day on the lake when I told him about my accident, when he showed me how his dad is, the night on the roof, a silent understanding passes between us. Sometimes you don’t need someone to tell you it’s okay, or that it’ll get better, or that it’s not your fault. Sometimes you just need to let someone in. Sometimes that’s enough.
“Have I ever told you that I love you?” His mouth turns up into a smile but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He lets his hand drop and I take it in mine.
“Maybe once,” I reply. I shake the bottle again.
“Drug peddler.” He takes the bottle, popping the top and taking a pill.
“Just this once. I need those.”
We sit on the floor of Corbin’s dad’s apartment quietly. The door is still open, Garett and Riley long gone. The wind whistles in, shifting around the smell of alcohol, pushing it out of the way with the fresh air. Corbin slouches against the wall, looking at me with his head cocked to the side. I play with his hand. Running my fingers over his, tugging them, feeling the warmth of them. Bending and flexing them with my own. This is where I need to be. A day of hiding away trying to decide and all I had to do was touch him to know what I needed. All he had to do is look at me like he is right now for me to feel what I need to feel. Loveable.
