by Tj Hannah
“What?” Gaby asks, and I shake my head.
“Nothing. I just need to know they’re okay.” I force all the jumbled thoughts from my head and try to focus. I reach into my purse and take one of pills just to be safe. I’ve never once been in a hospital without panicking.
“You okay?” Garett says when we’re all out of the car, and I nod.
“I hate hospitals.” It’s all I can say as the three of us make our way across the parking lot. Once we’re through the blast of smell slams me with memories. I’m glad I thought to take medication as Lance’s face flashes behind my eyes, but I force it down, replacing it with a different one. His smile from the Lacrosse field when he gets a goal. I saw every one of them, never missing a game because I felt bad that my parents were never there. The roll of his eyes when he thought I was fussing over him because Mom never did. The way he’d say my name when he was scared or angry, but he always called for me. His laugh.
Gaby takes my hand and pulls me to the front desk.
“We’re looking for information about the accident on Hanson and Second Avenue. There were three people brought in.” She leans over the counter toward the nurse on the other side.
“Are you family?” The nurse asks and Gaby nods.
“My dad, my brother and my cousin.” Gaby adds while leaning in further.
The nurse’s eyes dart from side to side and my stomach folds in on itself.
“I can’t release any information at this point on your father. I’m sorry, Miss. Your brother is fine. He’s in x-ray for a cracked collarbone. Your cousin’s partner is in the Maternity Ward. You can wait in there with him for the news.”
“The Maternity Ward? Is she okay? Her baby?” I ask over memories of her calling to me in the truck.
“She went into labor. The doctors tried to stop it, but sometimes trauma like this is-” the nurse says, but both Gaby and I are already sprinting down the hall. Garett calls after us that he’s going to check on Corbin, but I don’t make any gesture that I heard him. The nurse said Corbin was fine. All I can think about is Tobie. Gaby stabs the elevator button over and over until the ding of the door sounds and we get inside. My mind moves fast, and I shake my legs to burn some of the energy that’s filled me up. The door dings and we’re out before they open all the way, ploughing through a group of people waiting in the harsh white hall. The smell of antiseptic burns my lungs as I follow hanging signs to the waiting room. My head still pounds from the accident, but Tobie dominates my thoughts. The baby.
We turn a sharp corner and see Tosh in his suit leaning against the wall. His head lifts at the sound of our thundering footsteps. Gaby runs into him, throwing her arms around him. I slow until I’m standing next to them. Tosh reaches out and grabs my hand. His eyes are red; his still wet hair is tangled in his face.
“Tosh, what’s happening?” Gaby jumps back from him, wringing her hands like a worried mother. Tosh looks up and takes a shaking breath.
“They tried to stop it, but she was dilating. They took her in for a caesarean because of the accident. It’s too dangerous.”
“So she’s having the baby? Why aren’t you in there?” Gaby asks. Tosh trembles.
He looks between us with a blank stare that shatters me. It’s a look of lost hope. It’s a look that absorbs me into its black nothingness and saps me of everything I have. No. I shake my head as numbness passes over me.
Tosh shifts his gaze to the ground, and I feel his hand shake in mine. He doesn’t answer. Even when the doctor comes out from behind two swinging doors, he stays quiet. The doctor scans us before locking eyes with Tosh. My heart beats and breaks, each pump of blood cracking it further as if it were made of glass. I feel my eyes fill with tears as the doctor crosses his arms in front of his chest. It’s a defensive stance, keeping us at a distance. I’ve seen this before. The cold fear floods me and my lungs spasm, stunting my breath.
“I’m sorry, Toshi.” The doctor uses his full name, and Tosh crushes my hand. “Sometimes these things are out of our control.”
Tosh chokes, and his body slumps against mine. I stumble with him, trying to hold him up. Gaby grabs at him immediately as his legs give out.
“Tobie will make a full recovery, but, unfortunately, your daughter was deceased before we could get to her.”
“My daughter,” Tosh whispers and we ease him to the ground. “My daughter,” he repeats, wrapping his arms around his knees. Gaby stands just as Tosh’s sister, Kira, comes running down the hall. She stops and Tosh looks at her, shaking his head. Her dark eyes spill over with tears and she throws herself at him, kneeling next to him, wrapping him up and rocking him.
“My daughter,” Tosh says again, and his sister cries harder.
Gaby and I take a few steps back. I suddenly feel like I’m intruding. I’m intruding on a private moment. I feel like a have no right to be upset, that it’s not my pain to feel, but still, it courses through me tearing me apart. The guilt that lives inside of me bubbles its way to the surface, and I can’t stop it. I’m a devastation. A typhoon that destroys all I come to love.
The rational side of me knows this isn’t my fault. But the rational side of me is dying out fast, taken over by the part of me that believes I deserve to feel this way. I should have never thought I could do it. That I could be happy. That I could belong anywhere but where I’m told to be.
The loudest part of me believes that none of this would have happened if I never came here.
I let my hand slip from Gaby’s, and I take another step away. She turns to look at me, but her eyes move past me, settling on something further down the hall.
“Mom?” she says, and I spin around to face Officer Carbenet. Her thick dark hair is pulled back off her familiar face. Now that I can see both of them I see how similar they look. The round face and freckles. The rich darkness of their features contrasted against pale skin. Strong and curvy. Her eyes shift from her daughter to me. The look that she’s given me so many times, suddenly feels so different. Maybe because I fell in love with her son. Maybe because she never mentioned she had a son. What kind of mother doesn’t ever talk about her son?
My mom. She barely ever says Lance's name. We’ve never talked about him. Like me, my parents just shoved it down and covered it up. They shifted their focus. They shifted it to me.
My arms shake and I wrap them around my stomach. The ache in my chest strengthens as I add one more thing onto the pile of things that make me feel so fucked up and powerless.
If Collette is here, that means my parents are too.
I shake my head, and Gaby rests her hand on my shoulder making me jump back. My skin crawls and itches. My limbs twitch with the need to run. I struggle to keep them still. I can’t see them. I should see them. I can’t. I have to. Not yet. So when?
It’s too much.
I take a step backward with each thought, feeling myself tear in two as I fight myself.
Collette’s eyes are probing, and I think of Corbin. He told me to leave. I don’t believe he meant it, but he said it. He said he wanted to be alone.
Now Tobie.
I look back to Tosh, still sitting on the floor with his sister. Neither of them says anything. No one moving. The silence is overwhelming.
It’s too much. Even through the effect of my medication, I feel the panic ripping through me.
“Sophia?” Collette says, and I shake my head harder.
I step back again.
“Nothing that feels this good ends well,” I mutter the words and Gaby frowns.
My body shakes as I fight the urge to go to Corbin. For him to save me. To wrap me up in his arms and shield me. It’s not fair to him. Dragging him under to drown with me.
I spin around and push into a run as fast as I can. I don’t bother with the elevator but take the stairs. If I stop moving I’ll go to him.
I just need to think. I just need to go somewhere and think.
Chapter Twenty-six
Corbin
A sharp pain slices through my shoulder and I suck air through my teeth. The nurse secures the sling in place pinning my arm against my chest, and I grind my teeth. My head is pounding, and my body feels weak. There’s massive bruising across my chest and shoulder, and my eye is black and swollen from where I hit the dash.
A flicker of a memory hits me. A silver flash.
Sophia. My thoughts spin out of control, thinking of what would have happened to her if I wasn’t there to break the impact.
She's okay, Corbin. She's okay. I tell myself.
"Are we done?" My voice is tight, and I'm swarmed with panic, remembering my body going across her, trying to protect her. I remember Tobie behind the wheel, her thick dreads like whips as we went over. I remember the jarring feeling of my world being turned upside down.
I just need to get out of here. I need to get to them. Make sure they’re okay.
"I think the doctor wants to see you again." The short, stocky woman matches my attitude and I glare at her, my heart slamming harder behind my ribs.
I slide off the examination table wearing just my dress pants, this fucking ugly paper shirt they forced on me, and a black sling holding my arm. The sling doesn’t do much because every movement hurts. Every breath shakes and I’m glad it’s only a medial fracture.
Becca walks into the room, and her expression makes my gut churn. Becca never looks concerned. Her face is always bright and happy. She’s dressed in scrubs meaning she must have just got on shift. I look away because I can’t get it together. All I think of is Sophia and Tobie. My broken bone is the least of my worries right now.
“Corbin,” she says and touches my cheek. “I’m so sorry.”
My jaw clenches and I step back. “Are they okay?” I ask, knowing she knows whom I mean.
When she doesn’t speak, I finally shift my gaze to her.
“I’m so sorry, Corbin. I asked to be the one to tell you.” She repeats and shakes her head. My entire world implodes and the sound of my heart thunders through my ears. To tell me? To tell me what? I think about the last words I said to Sophia. I choke out a breath.
“Tell me what?” I stumble over the words. Please let her be okay. Please let them be okay. Sophia and Tobie. Let them be okay.
“He didn’t make it.” Becca runs her hand across my bruised cheek, down my neck to my good shoulder.
My head snaps up as all my thoughts die out except for one word.
“He?” I ask. Becca’s eyes dart around the room. She looks at the other nurse in the room who leaves. When she opens the door, Garett walks in, his face pale. I’ve never seen him look like this. He gets me in his sight and his jaw twitches.
“Becca?” I look between them.
“It was Kayla’s car that hit you, Corbin. Your dad was driving.”
My chest stops as I quit breathing involuntarily. Lead feet keep me stuck to the glaring white floor tiles, but everything around me spins.
He didn’t make it.
I look at Garett. He looks blank, but kind of like he’s going to throw up. He’s tense, unsure of how I’m going to react. I wonder if Becca asked him to come with her.
“He’s…” I mutter, unable to say it.
Dead?
“I’m sorry, Corbin.”
“Where’s Gaby?” I gather up everything I’m feeling and shove it aside. I can’t decide what to feel as anger, resentment, fear, relief, and about a hundred other emotions crash around inside me, so I bury it. I crush it down to the very bottom of me and cover it up.
“Hey, man, just-” Garett starts but I shove past him, pain spiking in my shoulder.
They both follow me, but I barely get around the corner before I see Gaby’s tear streaked face. She runs at me, crashing into me, her head tucking into my good shoulder. I curse loudly, but the pain is welcome. It distracts me from the absolute fucking disaster that is my life.
Gaby jumps back and cries harder when she sees my bruised face, my arm pinned to my chest. She looks so destroyed that it makes me angry. I reach out and grab the back of her neck and look as deep into her eyes as I can.
“Don’t cry for him.” I don’t mean for it to sound so rude, but I fucking hate him. The anger is the loudest, and I can’t keep it out of my shaking limbs.
“Don’t say that.” She sobs and I wish I could absorb her sadness through my fingertips. The secrets eat at me.
“Why? He doesn’t deserve it.”
Gaby pulls away from me, her mouth falling open. Garett places a hand on my shoulder, as if telling me to shut the fuck up. But I’ve stayed quiet for too long. My resolve chips away. I try harder to contain the rush of emotion crashing against me like I’m a cracking dam.
“Corbin, he’s dead,” she says, and I shake my head again. Breathe through the pain. Coldness spreads through me, and if I’m not careful, these cracks are going to widen, and I might not be able to keep it in.
"Where's Sophia?" I avert my eyes from my sister and see my mom.
She's standing at the end of the hallway, and she looks so different. I wouldn't recognize her if I didn't see photos of her with Parker. Her eyes are filled with tears and the walls inside me crack further. I can't deal with this. With Mom.
“Corbin,” Mom steps forward, and I put my hand up.
"Where's Sophia?" I yell at Gaby, and she flinches. I don't ever yell at her.
"I don't know. She took off. I don't know where she went. Her parents are with Jackson. They’re trying to find her."
Mom steps forward again, and I step back. The concern in her eyes pisses me off. It’s too late for concern. It’s too late for I’m sorry.
“Don’t,” I spit at Mom, and she stops. “I don’t need your fucking pity.”
Mom’s eyes fill with tears and Gaby glares.
“Corbin, our father just died. She wants to be here for you.” Gaby puts her arm around Mom’s waist, and whatever’s inside of me is on the brink of shattering.
“My father just died, Gaby. Not yours. My father just died.” I scream it at her, and Garett pulls the back of my paper shirt as I tower over my sister and mother. Mom’s eyes widen and her fear dries all of her tears.
“Why would you say that, Corbin? That’s an awful thing to say.” Gaby doesn’t believe me. She thinks I’m just being selfish. She thinks that because she hasn’t lived with us that I think he’s more my father than hers. But he’s all my father and not at all hers. Every single part of me knows this is the wrong time. That there’s a better time to tell her the secrets that I hold. That I should let myself mourn the death of the man who was my father despite the fact that he made my life hell, but I can’t stop the shattering. I feel like I can only handle so much and I’m full. Something’s gotta go.
Mom reaches out for my arm, but Garett’s pulled me too far away.
“Corbin, stop. You’re upset.” Mom’s voice is harder. Not as apologetic. Even I know she’s just trying to keep me quiet.
“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Mom. You gave up on that right when you walked out on me. Gaby deserves to know. She shouldn’t cry for him, and you know it. He shouldn’t mean anything to her, and you know it.”
“What are you talking about, Corbin?” Gaby’s voice shakes.
“He is not your dad, Gabriella. He’s my dad. Not your dad. You should be happy about that. You should be happy that you don’t belong to him because Mom decided to fuck someone else.” I regret the words as soon as they come out, but the bubbling emotion pouring through the cracks in my resolve is too strong.
Gaby’s eyes widen, and Mom steps forward. She slaps me hard across my bruised cheek, and a searing pain ripples over the skin.
Garett grabs at my shirt again but I don’t move. I’m split into two distinct feelings. Regret and relief. I feel both better and worse, and I can’t reconcile my emotions. I can’t think straight as my mother’s eyes burn into me.
“Mom?” Gaby sounds small and weak as my own rage courses through me. “Is it true?”
&nbs
p; “How dare you do this to her right now.” Mom doesn’t look back at Gaby, but I see it in her eyes that she isn’t thinking about Gaby. She’s thinking about herself.
“How dare I? Fuck you.” The floodgates open as my mom’s shocked eyes take in all the years of anger I have toward her. “How fucking dare you for coming back now. For bringing back your toxic shit into my life. How dare you for making me keep your secret and then leaving me behind. So I’m sorry if I don’t give a shit how you feel right now.”
Mom holds in the tears but her jaw sets. “What about how your sister feels? Do you care about that?”
I turn to look at my sister whose red and swollen face stops me from responding. Her eyes are so full of pain and fear that it takes all of the anger I feel toward my mother and turns it right back on me.
“Gaby,” I say, realizing what I’ve done, but Gaby steps away from me. Her head shakes, so I say it again.
“Gaby.”
“You knew the whole time?” She takes another step back, looking from me to Mom.
“I’ve known for a long time.” All the fight is sucked out of me at the look on her face, but she won’t let me get closer to her.
“And you didn’t say anything? You didn’t think to mention it ever?” Gaby hiccups as she talks and we all stay silent while a group of nurses passes us.
“Gaby, can we talk about this somewhere else?” I shift and glance over my shoulder. I really don't need anyone overhearing us.
“No, Corbin, we can’t. My father just died. I don’t want to fucking talk to you about anything.” She sets her jaw in stubbornness. “Thank you for making this day even worse. I didn’t think it was possible, but you did a fantastic job.”
I beg her with my eyes to stay; that I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t have. Gaby turns and walks away and I follow her, calling her. She stabs at the button and disappears inside. I stand in front of the doors but don’t get into the elevator. She hits me with another hard stare.
“How am I going to explain this to Parker? That his grandfather’s dead, but not really his grandfather. And his grandma and uncle are liars.”
