Destroyed and Detained

by Danelle Helget

Miss Kitty said that Smoochy Poo was very upset about the bomb and she needed to get her home to rest. Sheesh!

  I reached down and grabbed the pitcher out of Pepper’s mouth and set it in the sink. He followed me and jumped up, his paws on the counter, and looked in. He was so tall his head was a good two feet above the counter. It occurred to me that between his height and leg length, he could reach anything from even the farthest corner of the counter. He had done some quirky things over the last few months, but getting the blender down and bringing it to me was a new one! I giggled and told him, “Off!”

  Tannya gave me a hug and said she’d be back soon and to let her know if anything strange went on. She said she had some work to get done at home and followed the others out the door.

  After they left, I asked Pepper if he wanted a margarita, and he wagged his tail and walked to the kitchen. Just for shits and giggles, I made him a non-alcoholic one and poured it in his dish. He lapped it up and then plopped down in his bed by the fireplace. I wondered if he often placed orders for drinks. It seemed too normal. The other night Derek was over and had meat ready to go on the grill. Pepper brought his dish over to the grill and set it down. Derek was so impressed he grilled him up half a steak and put it in his dish.

  I started making lasagna for supper. Derek would be here in about a half-hour and would be staying for a couple days. The cannon went off again and shook the house. It was pretty annoying. I didn’t want things falling off my walls and breaking. This better not be happening daily, I grumbled to myself.

  My phone rang just as I put the lasagna in the oven. I looked at the caller ID. Rex.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, there, Speedy,” he said. He had pulled me over for speeding when I first came to town and that had been my nickname since then.

  “Hey,” I said with a smile.

  “Your Aunt Val is quite the character! It’s boring around here without her,” he told me.

  “I bet,” I said truthfully.

  “So, I was looking over paperwork, and she put her address down as yours. Is she living with you?”

  I didn’t want to lie to Rex, but at the same time, I didn’t really know an address for her. For the last couple months it’d been Wayde’s, but who knew where it would be next month.

  “She comes and goes. She’s kind of a gypsy, so to speak. But it’s fine with me if her mail comes here.”

  “Okay.” He paused and I could hear him typing on a computer. “Also, I just had a report come in from your lake area. Someone complained about the, and I quote, ‘pirate ship’s cannon noise.’”

  I laughed quietly. “Yeah, it is pretty loud.”

  “So there is a pirate ship on the lake?” he sounded shocked.

  “Yup, I woke up to it this morning.”

  There was a long silence. “I’ll be right over,” he said and disconnected.

  6

  I set the timer on the oven for the lasagna and went to the bathroom to check my hair and make-up. Then I changed into a cozy sweatshirt and laced up my tennis shoes. I was ready for anything.

  I checked my email and paid a couple bills through my computer while I waited. I heard a car door, and Pepper got up from the fireplace and went to the window. He was tall enough to see out the large window facing the driveway. He then sauntered over to the door and waited.

  A moment later the doorbell rang. It must be Rex. Derek would have let himself in. The oven buzzer went off, so I went to the take the lasagna out. After I set it on the stove top I hurried to the door and opened it.

  Rex was looking fine, as always. He was in plain clothes, and smelled freshly showered. “Hello,” I said, stepping back with the door and making room for him to enter.

  “Hey! Wow, it smells great in here.”

  “Thanks, I made lasagna for dinner,” I said. “I’m expecting Derek very soon,” I added for informational purposes. “Come here,” I said, beckoning him with a finger. “Leave your shoes on.” We walked to the patio door and looked out.

  “Holy shit!” Rex said.

  “I know, right?”

  “How … where … ah … why? Shit, it’s huge. It’s a ship! Not a boat.” It was kind of fun to see him so confused. He’s usually so smooth and confident.

  “So, is this illegal in any way?” I asked.

  “Ahh, I … don’t know. I don’t think you can shoot cannons, though. I mean, I guess I need to look into that, but I don’t think the ship itself is breaking any rules by being on the water.” I handed him the binoculars from the table. He took them and looked again. “It’s licensed!” He said this with a laugh. “I don’t get it. Why would someone put a ship on this lake?”

  I didn’t know how much I should share and I didn’t want to get my aunt into any more trouble.

  “Oh, I can see where it came from!” Rex said.

  “Yeah, they cut a few trees down and put in that track. I noticed that, too. And the few people I’ve seen on deck are dressed like pirates, too,” I told him.

  “Do you know who lives there?” He asked me.

  “No. I mean, I know his name. But I’ve never met him.”

  “What’s his name?”

  “Wayde Johnson.”

  I was standing next to him looking out at the ship when the front door opened.

  Derek walked in carrying an overnight bag. He was still in his work polo and dress pants. Rex and I turned around and met his eyes. Derek set his bag down by the door and greeted us as he gave Pepper a quick back rub.

  “Hey, Derek,” Rex said. He walked towards him and shook his hand.

  “Hey,” Derek said back. “So, you’ve seen the ship?”

  Those two talked about it while I went to the kitchen. They were analyzing the who, why, when and where of it. I didn’t say anything.

  “Rex, will you join us for dinner?” I asked. “I have more than enough.”

  “Umm, sure, but I can’t stay long. I’m supposed to be off work and just checking on this situation quick on my way home. I have an extra-long overnight tomorrow. We’ve got a guy gone on vacation this week, so we all have extra hours to cover.”

  “How many men do you have on in Nisswa?” Derek wanted to know.

  “Two full-time and two part-time officers right now,” Rex answered. “I’m not exactly sure what to do about this call,” Rex admitted.

  Derek chuckled. “Yeah, I was here this morning and saw it. I don’t think there’s a protocol on this. And it is licensed.”

  “Yes, it is,” Rex agreed, “but the complaint regarding the cannon needs to be addressed.”

  Derek about choked. “Cannon? Really? They’re firing a cannon?”

  I nodded, “Yup, a few times. It shakes the whole house. Kind of annoying,” I added as I was got the salad ready and the French bread out. “I thought my pictures were going to fall off the wall.”

  Pepper walked over by Derek and sat down.

  “What were they firing at?” Derek asked.

  “I don’t know. It shot out of the opposite side, in the direction of his own house. All I saw was smoke.”

  I didn’t give them any information on LARPing. I mean, they were both police officers. They’d figure it out, right? It was none of my business.

  “Food’s ready!” I announced.

  We loaded up buffet-style and sat at the table, all with a view of the lake. As we started, Derek asked Rex, “So, are you going to go out to the ship and talk to them about the cannon? How are you going to get out there?”

  Rex stared off to the lake, contemplating while he chewed. “I don’t know,” he said with a half-laugh. “I guess I’ll drive over to the property first and see if I find anyone there. I doubt they sleep on the ship, right?”

  They both looked at me. “How should I know?” I said.

  After we ate, Rex left and headed over to Wayde’s. He said he’d let us know what he found out. Derek and I cleaned up the dishes, and then he went and changed into lounge pants and an old t-shirt. I put in one of t
he movies he had rented from the Cities.

  “I’m ready for a break from work stress, and the public in general,” he said as walked past me to the kitchen and grabbed two beers out of the fridge. “Sweetness, I just want to veg out for the next two days and think about nothing but us, and enjoy some peace and quiet,” he said, joining me on the couch. He took a long pull on his beer and sat back against the cushion and put his feet up on the end table. “I’ve had a real shitty week dealing with the stupid people that roam this earth.”

  BANG! The cannon fired again, and we both jumped. Derek’s foot moved so far that he kicked his beer over on the coffee table.

  “Holy shit!” he yelled and ran to the window. I got a towel from the kitchen and cleaned up the mess, then joined him at the window.

  “There’s Rex,” I said. I had my binoculars up and was looking in the direction of the house. Rex was out on the dock. He walked back towards the house and out of site. A few moments later he returned with a bullhorn.

  “Uh oh,” Derek said as he opened the door so we could step out and listen.

  We couldn’t make out what Rex was saying, but it was short and sweet. I watched with my binoculars and saw two men come to the edge of the ship and yell something back. Then one climbed down the built-in ladder near the back of the ship and got into the old wooden boat tied up there.

  “Good grief! I can’t believe I’m seeing this,” Derek said. “And they’re still in costume!”

  I looked back over to the lake and noticed that Val was standing on the dock now with Rex. They continued speaking until the boat got to the dock. And then out climbed who I assumed was the first mate, Willy, a.k.a. Johnny Depp lookalike.

  “There’s a woman over there now, too,” Derek said and took my binoculars. “What the …” he whispered.

  I bit my lip and stared at the ground. Craaaap! Now I had to come clean. He would recognize her for sure.

  “Sara?” Derek said in a tone I had never heard. He was not happy.

  “Yeah?” I asked innocently.

  He shot me a look. “Why is your Aunt Val over at the pirate’s house?” There was a pause and heavy exhale. “And why am I not surprised?”

  “Ha ha ha … funny story,” I said with an unsure grin.

  “Wait!” he said. Then he stepped past me back into the house. I watched as he went to the coffee table, picked up his bottle and slammed what was left of his beer and tossed it in the trash. Then he grabbed another out of the fridge and returned to the patio. “Okay,” he sighed. “I’m ready.”

  7

  It’s kind of a long story. I think we should wait for Rex. Then I can tell you both at the same time,” I told Derek. He looked long and hard at me. I wondered if he thought I was too high maintenance. Maybe I wasn’t worth all the trouble. Since I’d met him, my life had been kind of crazy. Come to think of it, it had always been kind of crazy, but never at this level. Some days I wished I had no friends or family and just a house on a lake, with a garden and a cat and dog. No drama, just peace and quiet.

  We sat back down on the couch and talked about the couple of months that Aunt Val stayed with us. She had been so quiet while she stayed here. And thinking back, she was gone a lot.

  “Soooo, since you’re here tomorrow with the day off, and I will be too, what do ya say we put the dock in? Then I can have the pontoon in, too.” I waited patiently for his answer.

  “Why?”

  “Well, now is as good as time as any! We both have off and the ice has been off even during the last few nights.”

  “And you want to have access to the water … to the pirate ship?” he inquired.

  I was at a loss for words. He was right but I didn’t want to admit it. I just locked eyes with him.

  “Yes. Well, not access, but I want to see it closer. Come on, you got to admit it. It’s pretty cool. I want to see it! Actually, I kind of want to talk to the crazy pirate neighbor too.” Derek tipped his head at me. “Don’t get me wrong, I think the whole thing is a bit insane, but it’s kind of fun to look out at a pirate ship from your patio in Nisswa, Minnesota,” I admitted.

  Derek frowned. “This dude built a ship! In his yard! A ship! Not a boat! He’s a bit beyond insane. And the guy is dressed like a friggin’ pirate! Who does that? I mean, think about it, this is not a model car, or modular home, or ship in a bottle … it’s a real, huge, floating ship. He had to have been working on this for years, and for what?” he asked, with a head shake.

  Okay, so Derek was not very excited about this. He was annoyed. It’s probably a good thing for Wayde that this was not Derek’s jurisdiction. “I’ll help you put the dock and boat in, but, Sara, do not get too close. They’re crazy!”

  “Okay, I promise to be careful. But for the record, I think that they are just having fun, maybe living out a childhood dream. I don’t think they’re crazy. Too much time on their hands? Yes. Too much time on the internet? Clearly. But I don’t think they’re … certifiably crazy.”

  Derek squinted at me and took another long pull on his beer.

  My phone buzzed, indicating I had a text. I got up and checked it. “That was Rex,” I told Derek. “He’s on his way back here.”

  “Great.” I detected some sarcasm in his tone.

  Rex pulled into the driveway five minutes later. I met him at the door and ushered him in.

  He took a seat on the couch across from Derek. I sat down by Derek and smiled. This was so awkward. Suddenly I had all these emotions rushing through me. My boyfriend, who was amazing in every way possible, Officer McHottie sitting on my couch, a visit and bail out of my favorite aunt, a dog that was way too smart, crazy friends Tannya and Miss Kitty, and a pirate ship on my lake … .with grown men dressed as pirates aboard who licensed it and were now launching cannonballs from it at their own property.

  It was all too much. Way too much for one day! Way too much beer and margaritas mixed in, and I couldn’t take it anymore. I looked at Rex and Derek, and my shoulders started shaking. I got the giggles. I couldn’t control it. I just started laughing. Hard. Tears rolled down my face, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I could hardly see Derek and Rex through my tears, but they were exchanging glances and shaking their heads at me.

  “What’s so funny?” Derek asked with a smile.

  I just kept laughing. Every time I tried to talk, it got worse. Everything got funnier the more I thought about it. I would get a word out and then couldn’t finish my sentence. Rex and Derek were laughing at me now, too.

  “I … ha ha ha … it’s just that … ha ha ha …” I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes. I tried to calm myself, but it wasn’t working. I finally stood up and walked to the fireplace. After a few more breaths I sat back down, my shoulders still shaking once in a while. Good grief, I hadn’t had a good case of the giggles like that in a long time.

  “Sorry,” I said and took another deep breath. “Please, officer, tell us what you found out.” I tried to sit still and listen.

  “Well, your aunt Val was there!” Rex started. He looked at me with tightly squeezed eyes. “But you knew that, didn’t you?”

  “I, um. Yes. But I just found out, right before you did. I didn’t even know she was still in town until I bailed her out earlier.”

  “What?” Derek said with angry eyes. “She was in jail?”

  They both looked at me. I turned to Derek and told him, “I got a call a few hours ago from her asking me to bail her out. She was at the Nisswa police station and needed money and a ride. What was I going to do?”

  “What was she detained for?” Derek asked Rex.

  “Possession of stolen property,” he told him.

  Derek turned back to me, and I continued. “So I went with Tannya and Miss Kitty and bailed her out. Then we came back here and she told me why she was arrested.”

  “Yes, she mentioned that you might be willing to share more with me. She was pretty tight-lipped over there. Apparently Wayde was on the ship and not leaving it, so he sent W
illy over to talk to me. When Willy got closer to the dock, she said she didn’t want to talk in front of him in case he got mad for sharing too much information.”

  “When he got up to the dock, he said ‘game off.’ Val nodded at him. Any idea what that was all about?” he asked me.

  I shrugged. “Is Willy his real name?” I asked.

  “I asked him for ID. He said he didn’t have any on him. He was dressed like a pirate, too. I asked him if they were firing a cannon. He said they were, that they’d keep it down. He said they just got it in and needed to make sure it worked before the thirty-day trial was up.”

  Derek shook his head and took a drink.

  Rex turned his glance back at me and continued. “He asked if they were breaking any laws, and I told him none I knew of right now, but I asked him not to fire the cannon, because the neighbors were complaining. He agreed and got back in the boat. He looked at Val, said ‘game on’ and headed to the ship.”

  “What the hell does that mean? Game off. Game on.” Derek asked. Then they both looked at me.

  “Ha … ha … funny story.” I said leaning back on the couch.

  “Yeah, you mentioned that before,” Derek said and finished his second beer.

  I started at the beginning and told them everything Val had told me. Their faces were priceless. It must have been exactly how Miss Kitty, Tannya, and I looked as we were being told. When I was done with the story, Derek let out a long sigh and stood up. Rex leaned back deeper into the couch, stunned.

  Returning from the kitchen with three more beers, Derek handed one to Rex and opened one for me and set it on the table.

  “Sweetness, I don’t know how you do it,” Derek said.

  “Do what?” I asked.

  “Meet such crazy characters. It’s as if you’re a magnet for morons. Crazy people flock to you.”

  “Hey, not all of the people I know are crazy!” I said defensively.

  “Yeah, name two!” he snidely shot back.

  I thought for a second. “You and Rex.”

  Rex gave me half-smile and winked. Derek shut up.