The Perfect Nanny

by Karen Clarke

  Shaking, anger burning in her red and swollen eyes, her face waxy, her fist clenched around Finn’s blanket, Sophy glared at me as though she wanted to kill me.

  ‘What have you done with him?’ she cried. ‘Where’s my baby?’

  ‘Finn’s not here, Sophy, I’ve looked. There’s no sign of him.’

  ‘You took him, didn’t you? You and that man who called me.’ She looked about her, eyes zigzagging across the lounge. With a jolt, she ran across to the door to the bedroom; where I’d just come from, throwing it open. ‘What have you done with him, Liv?’ she sobbed.

  I followed her into the bedroom, my heart thudding. ‘Sophy, Finn isn’t here. There’s no sign of him. But I think—’

  She swung round, her eyes meeting mine. ‘You think what?’

  ‘I think Freya may have him.’

  ‘Freya?’

  ‘This is her lodge.’

  ‘So, what? You planned it together?’ She was opening cupboards now, as though Finn might be inside. Slamming them shut. ‘Who is she? Who’s Freya?’

  ‘I didn’t plan anything, Sophy. You’ve got it all wrong. I’m here looking for Finn.’

  ‘I don’t believe you.’ She swung to face me. ‘I think you and this Freya took him from me. You conned your way into my house so you could steal him.’ She was distraught, tears rolling down her face.

  ‘OK, yes, you’re right.’ It was time to throw all my cards on the table. ‘I did con my way into your house.’

  ‘I knew it’ She took a step closer.

  ‘But I would never take Finn.’

  ‘Then why?’ She stopped and stared at me. ‘Why did you pretend to be my friend?’

  Guilt surged through me. ‘Because of Ben.’

  ‘Ben?’

  ‘My brother.’

  ‘What’s your brother got to do with anything?’

  I went to take her arm, but she snatched it away. ‘I thought you broke his heart. I thought you were the reason he died. But I was wrong.’ I was crying now – for Ben, for Finn, for the mess I’d caused. ‘I thought you didn’t care that he’d killed himself – that you’d just got on with your life.’ I dropped down onto a chair, scrubbed my face with my hands, before calmly adding, ‘but I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong.’

  She stared at me through watery eyes. ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about. How could I have broken your brother’s heart?’

  ‘I can explain—’

  ‘It doesn’t matter. I don’t care. I’m sorry he died, but all I want is Finn back.’

  I stood up. ‘I didn’t take him, I promise.’

  She looked around wildly, clutching Finn’s blanket. ‘You think this Freya woman took him?’

  ‘Maybe. She’s my mum’s carer.’ But however much everything pointed to Freya, I was beginning to doubt she was capable. She’d always been so kind to my mum. ‘She’s on holiday here. She was the one who reported you.’

  There was a moment’s pause while Sophy took it in. ‘But why report me? She doesn’t even know me.’

  I lowered my head, fiddled with my hands. ‘I told her about you, the way you kept falling asleep—’

  The door swung open. Freya. She stepped in and pulled the hood of her anorak down, so her mass of frizzy curls sprang free. Her eyes fell on me, wide with shock. ‘Liv?’

  ‘Freya, I—’

  Sophy flew at her. ‘What the hell have you done with Finn?’ she cried.

  ‘What?’ Freya’s eyes widened further, as I pulled Sophy back. ‘What are you talking about?’ She put down her bag. Stood statue still.

  ‘What have you done with my son?’ Sophy screamed, trying to pull away from me. ‘It was you, wasn’t it? You reported me. Where’s Finn?’

  ‘Finn’s gone?’ Freya looked genuinely shocked.

  ‘You know he’s gone.’ Sophy was shaking, crying. ‘You’ve taken him, haven’t you?’

  ‘Was it you, Freya?’ I said.

  Freya shook her head, hurt in her eyes. ‘I haven’t got Finn. How could you even think I would take a child, Liv?’

  ‘I …’ Had I got it wrong?

  Freya made her way into the kitchen area, grabbed a bottle of gin and sloshed some into a glass, before knocking it back.

  ‘Mum said you were worried about Finn, that you reported Sophy.’

  She nodded. ‘That’s true. I was worried about him. It’s not a safe world out there for children.’ She glared at Sophy, who was bent over, sobbing. ‘Have you thought he might be better off without you?’ Freya said, igniting more tears. ‘That whoever has him will take better care of him than you can?’

  ‘Freya, please,’ I said. ‘Sophy’s devastated – can’t you see that?’

  She took another gulp of her drink. ‘I haven’t got your baby, Sophy. I came to terms with what happened to me a long time ago. The way I missed vital signs that could have saved a child’s life.’ A pause. ‘I have low times, but I come here and reset.’

  ‘But you called social services about me?’

  She stared at Sophy. ‘From what Liv told us, you were neglecting your child. I was right to make that call.’

  Sophy turned to me, more tears spilling over. ‘You told her I was neglecting my baby?’

  ‘It wasn’t like that, Sophy,’ I said, but the words felt meaningless.

  Sophy turned back to Freya. ‘You drive a Volvo. You were outside my house, weren’t you? Sitting in your car. My neighbour saw you.’

  Freya’s face twitched.

  ‘Well?’ I said. ‘Were you?’

  ‘Yes. I was on my way here.’ She poured more gin, her hand trembling. ‘I wanted to be sure Finn was OK before I left. I parked outside for about ten minutes, that’s all.’

  ‘And then you took him,’ Sophy yelled. ‘You took my baby.’

  ‘No.’ Freya’s tone was hard. ‘I saw Liv’s Mini parked outside, and convinced myself Finn was OK with her. But he wasn’t, was he?’

  I looked about me. There were no signs of Finn ever being there. There would be something, surely – something that pointed to Freya having him.

  ‘Where were you when we arrived?’ It sounded accusing.

  ‘Out walking along the beach.’ She paused, meeting my eye. ‘Liv, I haven’t got Finn, I swear.’

  Sophy’s sobs were out of control now, as she buried her head in her hands, calling Finn’s name.

  ‘You need to go back, Liv,’ Freya said. She turned to Sophy, tried to hand her a packet of tissues, but Sophy bashed her hand away, and they fell to the floor. ‘Go home,’ Freya continued. ‘You’ll be needed there.’ She paused, her eyes fixed on her fingers. She pushed her left thumb across the palm of her right hand. ‘You won’t find your son here.’

  I realised as we stepped out of the lodge and into the darkness, that Sophy was incapable of driving. She shook, and sobs and gasps burst intermittently from her crumpled body. I looped my arm around her shoulder, and when she didn’t object, guided her to my car.

  ‘I’ll get you home,’ I said, opening the passenger door, and she folded her body into the passenger seat, and put on the seatbelt. ‘We can collect your car once you’ve found Finn.’

  She looked up at me, the sadness in her eyes thick and deep. ‘I will find him won’t I?’ she said, her voice helpless.

  ‘Of course.’ I closed the door.

  But if Freya hadn’t taken him, who had? What if a random stranger had him?

  As I made my way to the driver’s side, I glanced back at the lodge to see Freya standing in the window, staring out at me. She raised her hand in a wave, but I couldn’t bring myself to wave back. The act felt trivial, something you do when you are happy, when you’re greeting someone, or saying goodbye to a friend after a catch-up. And I was still so angry with her for calling social services. I looked away and climbed into the car.

  We were silent for some time as I drove. Eventually, I looked across at this woman who had once been my enemy, someone I had hated with every fibre of me, but now
desperately wanted to help.

  As though sensing my stare, she said, ‘Freya was watching me, my house.’

  I nodded, eyes back on the road. ‘It seems that way.’

  ‘That’s so weird, don’t you think?’ I felt her eyes boring into me. ‘Although no wonder she was worried, if you’ve been telling people I’m a terrible mother.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Sophy. My head was in a different place back then. I thought—’

  ‘I know what you thought. It’s not an excuse.’

  ‘No. No you’re right.’ I paused for a moment. ‘For what it’s worth, I don’t believe Freya has Finn, but you still need to tell the police about her when you get home. They’ll need to question her, check we haven’t missed anything.’

  ‘It was Kim who saw her Volvo. I saw her earlier with Dougie in his pram.’ Her voice broke, and she fumbled in her pocket for a tissue. ‘I thought when I saw the Volvo outside the lodge that everything was going to be OK. That we would find him.’

  ‘We will find him, Sophy.’ My mind swam once more with thoughts of how awful I’d been to her. Had my terrible actions somehow led to Finn’s disappearance? I would never forgive myself if they had.

  ‘Shouldn’t you answer that?’ I said, when Sophy’s phone rung for the third time.

  ‘It’s Dom,’ she said. ‘I can’t face talking to him.’

  ‘But he might have news about Finn.’

  She shook her head. ‘He’s texted too. He just wants to know I’m OK.’

  I looked across at her. She was low in the seat, almost childlike, as she clenched Finn’s blanket to her cheek. ‘He’ll be worried.’

  In response, she grabbed her phone from her pocket, and pressed the screen.

  ‘There. I’ve let him know I’m on my way home.’ She laid the phone on her lap. ‘That I haven’t found Finn.’ She began to weep again, covering her eyes. ‘Dom probably thinks it’s my fault.

  No, it’s my fault.

  She looked up suddenly. ‘Alicia must have him.’

  ‘What? I thought—’

  ‘Dom said he believed her when he called, and I did too, but what if we’re wrong and she was lying all along?’

  ‘When did he call her?’

  ‘Just before we rung the police, about three o’clock.’ She paused, took a breath. ‘He spoke to Alicia’s sister, who said Alicia was with her and that Finn wasn’t there – but what if …’

  ‘What if?’

  ‘What if it wasn’t Alicia’s sister?’ I tried to keep up with what she was trying to say, but she was talking too fast, dragging herself up in her seat. ‘What if Dom was actually talking to Alicia when he thought it was her sister? I mean, how would he know? And the police haven’t been able to get hold of her sister. Has she even got a sister?’

  ‘Then call him,’ I said. ‘Call Dom now, tell him your concerns.’

  She picked up her phone, pressed the screen.

  ‘Dom.’ A pause. ‘I’m OK, I just …’ Another pause as she listened. ‘I’ll be back in about half an hour, but you have to listen. Get the police to make Alicia a priority. She has Finn. She has him, I know it.’

  There was a long pause, and I could just make out the tinny sound of Dom talking on the other end of the line.

  ‘No,’ Sophy cried. ‘No, it has to be her. It has to be. Tell them to speak to Alicia’s sister again, search her house. Her sister must be protecting her.’ Sophy was yelling now. ‘No I won’t calm down, Dom. I can’t – my baby is missing. Our baby. We have to find him.’ She ended the call – threw the phone into the well beneath her feet, and burst into tears.

  Finn had been gone for eight hours. And I couldn’t help worrying, as I pushed down on the throttle heading for St Albans, that time was running out.

  Chapter 37

  Sophy

  Time was running out. The thought solidified as Liv pulled into The Avenue. I’d seen enough crime shows to know that timing was critical when searching for a missing person, a baby. The longer they were gone, the less likely they were to be found. I was terrified that Finn could be absolutely anywhere.

  I twisted his blanket in my hands as Liv braked outside number seven, the engine ticking loudly. The house was lit up, despite it being almost 11 p.m. Normally, I’d be either passed out in bed, or desperately trying to stay awake to tend to Finn while Dom snatched some sleep. I couldn’t imagine ever sleeping again.

  ‘Shall I come in?’

  Liv’s voice scattered my thoughts and I shook my head. We’d barely spoken for the last half hour, speeding through the darkness while I stared out of the window, alternately dry-eyed and weeping. What was there to say? Liv hadn’t taken Finn and neither had Freya. The woman Liv had told I was a terrible mother, who’d been so concerned she’d alerted social services. Shame burned, deep in my belly.

  ‘Maybe Freya’s right and Finn’s better off with whoever’s taken him.’

  ‘Don’t say that.’ Liv’s hand circled my wrist, her fingers cold. ‘You’re ill and I should never have said the things I did to her, or anyone else.’ I heard her swallow while I stared at her knuckles. ‘I’m sorry, Sophy. I don’t expect you to forgive me. I can’t forgive myself.’ She sounded wretched, but I didn’t have space in my head for her guilt as well as my own.

  A sob escaped. ‘What if he’s never found?’

  ‘He will be.’ Her grip tightened. ‘You have to try and stay strong.’

  ‘I don’t know if I can.’ I squeezed my eyes shut, fresh tears swelling. ‘I think there’s something wrong with me that can’t be fixed.’

  ‘You saw the GP.’ Liv rubbed my back as I sank my head in my hands. ‘If there was anything seriously wrong, she’d have got back to you by now.’

  ‘She left a message.’ Tears dripped through my fingers. ‘I’m supposed to go in and see her but I can’t face being told I’m dying, not now.’ Grief lanced through me. ‘I have to get Finn back first.’

  ‘I’ll do anything I can to help.’ Liv sounded on the verge of tears herself. ‘Go inside, be with Dom,’ she urged. ‘I have to get back to my mum, but I’m not giving up. There’s something we’re missing and I’m going to work out what it is.’

  I suddenly remembered what she’d said at the lodge. Something about me breaking her brother’s heart, that she thought he’d killed himself because of me.

  ‘Don’t bother.’ Anger burned away my tears. ‘You used Finn to hurt me and I don’t even know why.’

  ‘Sophy, I’m sorry.’ Her face was pale in the darkness. ‘For years I thought you were the reason my brother killed himself, that you broke his heart and didn’t care.’

  ‘So you said, but I never even met your brother.’ I didn’t want to listen, but she carried on talking.

  ‘You were at the same university,’ she said, her voice low.

  I remembered the voice on the phone. ‘I didn’t know anyone called Ben.’

  ‘I know, it was … I found out today that Ben was actually in love with his best friend, Ryan, the man who called you.’ Her eyes shimmered with tears. ‘It was Ryan who ended things because … it’s a long story. He panicked after Ben died, when we started asking questions. Ben had left a suicide note, you see. He couldn’t find a reason to carry on living without the one he loved.’

  ‘I can’t listen to this now.’ As I reached for the door handle, Liv grabbed my arm.

  ‘Please, Sophy, let me explain.’

  I froze as she kept pushing words out. ‘We wanted to know who she was, this girl we thought had broken Ben’s heart.’

  ‘And Ryan said it was me?’

  Liv nodded. ‘He showed us a photo. You were in it, about to go on a trip to France. There was a group and you were in it.’

  I frowned, remembering the proposed trip which I’d saved up for; how excited I’d been to learn to ski. ‘I didn’t go in the end.’ I touched my necklace. ‘My grandmother died.’

  ‘Well … Ryan picked you out, said you were the one Ben was in love with and h
e couldn’t cope when you dumped him. I don’t think he realised the impact, that I couldn’t forget your face or what you’d … what I thought you’d done.’

  ‘So, all these years, you thought Ben died because of me?’

  ‘I thought you had this perfect life you didn’t deserve and I wanted to destroy it. I sent you the note about Elizabeth, stole your necklace—’

  ‘Oh my God, that was you?’ Fury flared once more. ‘I thought I was losing my mind when things kept going missing.’

  ‘It was just the necklace.’ She shook her head, as if she couldn’t believe it either. ‘I took the photo of you and Isaac too and sent it to Dom,’ she rushed on. ‘If I’d known—’

  ‘What?’ A ball of emotion filled my chest. ‘If you’d known I was a mess and that someone was going to steal my baby, you’d have been nicer to me?’ I choked back a sob. ‘What was the end result going to be? Murder? You could have just asked me about your brother.’

  ‘I wasn’t thinking straight.’ Tears glimmered on her cheeks. ‘I don’t blame you for hating me, but I really am sorry and I really do want to help. Please, Sophy. Let me make it up to you.’

  ‘No thanks.’

  I climbed out of the car, holding Finn’s blanket, feeling as if I’d aged a hundred years. My limbs were stiff, my head spinning and my stomach felt as if it had been scooped out.

  ‘Go round the side.’ Liv’s voice was desperate as she leant over the passenger seat. ‘There’s a press van further down.’

  Ignoring her, I stormed down the access lane at the side of the house, avoiding the large van sat in the road, a TV logo on the side, satellite dish on top. I imagined the neighbours being interviewed, their houses practically hidden from the outside world. It was impossible anyone could have seen or heard anything; a miracle Kim had been out with Dougie and seen the Volvo, but even her ‘lead’ had come to nothing now we’d confronted Freya. We. Liv and I weren’t a ‘we’. I never wanted to see her again.

  The kitchen door was unlocked and I let myself in, aware of holding my breath, ears pricked for the familiar sound of Finn crying. Nothing. Just the chatter of low voices in the living room.