The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 4: (Jeeves & Wooster): No.4

by P. G. Wodehouse

  ‘Oh, it’s you again,’ he said.

  Well, it was, of course. No argument about that.

  ‘Kind of at a loose end?’ he said. ‘Why don’t you settle down somewhere with a good book?’

  I explained that I had just popped in to tell them that tea was now being served on the main lawn, and Phyllis squeaked a bit, as if agitated.

  ‘Oh, dear!’ she said. ‘I must run. Daddy doesn’t like me to be late for tea. He says it’s not respectful to my elders.’

  I could see trembling on Wilbert Cream’s lips a suggestion as to where Daddy could stick himself and his views on respect to elders, but with a powerful effort he held it back.

  ‘I shall take Poppet for a walk,’ he said, chirruping to the dachshund, who was sniffing at my legs, filling his lungs with the delicious Wooster bouquet.

  ‘No tea?’ I said.

  ‘No.’

  ‘There are muffins.’

  ‘Tchah!’ he ejaculated, if that’s the word, and strode off, followed by the low-slung dog, and it was borne in upon me that here was another source from which I could expect no present at Yuletide. His whole demeanour made it plain that I had not added to my little circle of friends. Though going like a breeze with dachshunds, I had failed signally to click with Wilbert Cream.

  When Phyllis and I reached the lawn, only Bobbie was at the tea table, and this surprised us both.

  ‘Where’s Daddy?’ Phyllis asked.

  ‘He suddenly decided to go to London,’ said Bobbie.

  ‘To London?’

  ‘That’s what he said.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘He didn’t tell me.’

  ‘I must go and see him,’ said Phyllis, and buzzed off.

  Bobbie seemed to be musing.

  ‘Do you know what I think, Bertie?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Well, when Upjohn came out just now, he was all of a doodah, and he had this week’s Thursday Review in his hand. Came by the afternoon post, I suppose. I think he had been reading Reggie’s comment on his book.’

  This seemed plausible. I number several authors among my aquaintance – the name of Boko Fittleworth is one that springs to the mind – and they invariably become all of a doodah when they read a stinker in the press about their latest effort.

  ‘Oh, you know about that thing Kipper wrote?’

  ‘Yes, he showed it to me one day when we were having lunch together.’

  ‘Very mordant, I gathered from what he told me. But I don’t see why that should make Upjohn bound up to London.’

  ‘I suppose he wants to ask the editor who wrote the thing, so that he can horsewhip him on the steps of his club. But of course they won’t tell him, and it wasn’t signed so … Oh, hullo, Mrs Cream.’

  The woman she was addressing was tall and thin with a hawk-like face that reminded me of Sherlock Holmes. She had an ink spot on her nose, the result of working on her novel of suspense. It is virtually impossible to write a novel of suspense without getting a certain amount of ink on the beezer. Ask Agatha Christie or anyone.

  ‘I finished my chapter a moment ago, so I thought I would stop for a cup of tea,’ said this literateuse. ‘No good overdoing it.’

  ‘No. Quit when you’re ahead of the game, that’s the idea. This is Mrs Travers’s nephew Bertie Wooster,’ said Bobbie with what I considered a far too apologetic note in her voice. If Roberta Wickham has one fault more pronounced than another, it is that she is inclined to introduce me to people as if I were something she would much have preferred to hush up. ‘Bertie loves your books,’ she added, quite unnecessarily, and the Cream started like a Boy Scout at the sound of a bugle.

  ‘Oh, do you?’

  ‘Never happier than when curled up with one of them,’ I said, trusting that she wouldn’t ask me which one of them I liked best.

  ‘When I told him you were here, he was overcome.’

  ‘Well, that certainly is great. Always glad to meet the fans. Which of my books do you like best?’

  And I had got as far as ‘Er’ and was wondering, though not with much hope, if ‘All of them’ would meet the case, when Pop Glossop joined us with a telegram for Bobbie on a salver. From her mother, I presumed, calling me some name which she had forgotten to insert in previous communications. Or, of course, possibly expressing once more her conviction that I was a guffin, which, I thought, having had time to ponder over it, would be something in the nature of a bohunkus or a hammerhead.

  ‘Oh, thank you, Swordfish,’ said Bobbie, taking the ’gram.

  It was fortunate that I was not holding a tea cup as she spoke, for hearing Sir Roderick thus addressed I gave another of my sudden starts and, had I had such a cup in my hand, must have strewn its contents hither and thither like a sower going forth sowing. As it was, I merely sent a cucumber sandwich flying through the air.

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ I said, for it had missed the Cream by a hair’s breadth.

  I could have relied on Bobbie to shove her oar in. The girl had no notion of passing a thing off.

  ‘Excuse it, please,’ she said. ‘I ought to have warned you. Bertie is training for the Jerk The Cucumber Sandwich event at the next Olympic Games. He has to be practising all the time.’

  On Ma Cream’s brow there was a thoughtful wrinkle, as though she felt unable to accept this explanation of what had occurred. But her next words showed that it was not on my activities that her mind was dwelling but on the recent Swordfish. Having followed him with a keen glance as he faded from view, she said:

  ‘This butler of Mrs Travers’. Do you know where she got him, Miss Wickham?’

  ‘At the usual pet shop, I think.’

  ‘Had he references?’

  ‘Oh, yes. He was with Sir Roderick Glossop, the brain specialist, for years. I remember Mrs Travers saying Sir Roderick gave him a supercolossal reference. She was greatly impressed.’

  Ma Cream sniffed.

  ‘References can be forged.’

  ‘Good gracious! Why do you say that?’

  ‘Because I am not at all easy in my mind about this man. He has a criminal face.’

  ‘Well, you might say that about Bertie.’

  ‘I feel that Mrs Travers should be warned. In my Blackness at Night the butler turned out to be one of a gang of crooks, planted in the house to make it easy for them to break in. The inside stand, it’s called. I strongly suspect that this is why this Swordfish is here, though of course it is quite possible that he is working on his own. One thing I am sure of, and that is that he is not a genuine butler.’

  ‘What makes you think that?’ I asked, handkerchiefing my upper slopes, which had become considerably bedewed. I didn’t like this line of talk at all. Let the Cream get firmly in her nut the idea that Sir Roderick Glossop was not the butler, the whole butler and nothing but the butler, and disaster, as I saw it, loomed. She would probe and investigate, and before you could say ‘What ho’ would be in full possession of the facts. In which event, bim would go Uncle Tom’s chance of scooping in a bit of easy money. And ever since I’ve known him failure to get his hooks on any stray cash that’s floating around has always put him out of touch with the blue bird. It isn’t that he’s mercenary. It’s just that he loves the stuff.

  Her manner suggested that she was glad I had asked her that.

  ‘I’ll tell you what makes me think it. He betrays his amateurishness in a hundred ways. This very morning I found him having a long conversation with Wilbert. A real butler would never do that. He would feel it was a liberty.’

  I contested this statement.

  ‘Now there,’ I said, ‘I take issue with you, if taking issue means what I think it means. Many of my happiest hours have been passed chatting with butlers, and it has nearly always happened that it was they who made the first advances. They seek me out and tell me about their rheumatism. Swordfish looks all right to me.’

  ‘You are not a student of criminology, as I am. I have the trained eye, and my judgment is never w
rong. That man is here for no good.’

  I could see that all this was making Bobbie chafe, but her better self prevailed and she checked the heated retort. She is very fond of T. Portarlington Travers, who, she tells me, is the living image of a wire-haired terrier now residing with the morning stars but at one time very dear to her, and she remembered that for his sake the Cream had to be deferred to and handled with gloves. When she spoke, it was with the mildness of a cushat dove addressing another cushat dove from whom it was hoping to borrow money.

  ‘But don’t you think, Mrs. Cream, that it may be just your imagination? You have such a wonderful imagination. Bertie was saying only the other day that he didn’t know how you did it. Write all those frightfully imaginative books, I mean. Weren’t you, Bertie?’

  ‘My very words.’

  ‘And if you have an imagination, you can’t help imagining. Can you, Bertie?’

  ‘Dashed difficult.’

  Her honeyed words were wasted. The Cream continued to dig her toes in like Balaam’s ass, of whom you have doubtless heard.

  ‘I’m not imagining that that butler is up to something fishy,’ she said tartly. ‘And I should have thought it was pretty obvious what that something was. You seem to have forgotten that Mr. Travers has one of the finest collections of old silver in England.’

  This was correct. Owing possibly to some flaw in his mental make-up, Uncle Tom has been collecting old silver since I was so high, and I suppose the contents of the room on the ground floor where he parks the stuff are worth a princely sum. I knew all about that collection of his, not only because I had had to listen to him for hours on the subject of sconces, foliation, ribbon wreaths in high relief and gadroon borders, but because I had what you might call a personal interest in it, once having stolen an eighteenth-century cow-creamer for him. (Long story. No time to go into it now. You will find it elsewhere in the archives.)

  ‘Mrs Travers was showing it to Willie the other day, and he was thrilled. Willie collects old silver himself.’

  With each hour that passed I was finding it more and more difficult to get a toe-hold on the character of W. Cream. An in-and-out performer, if ever there was one. First all that poetry, I mean, and now this. I had always supposed that playboys didn’t give a hoot for anything except blondes and cold bottles. It just showed once again that half the world doesn’t know how the other three-quarters lives.

  ‘He says there are any number of things in Mr Travers’s collection that he would give his back teeth for. There was an eighteenth-century cow-creamer he particularly coveted. So keep your eye on that butler. I’m certainly going to keep mine. Well,’ said the Cream, rising, ‘I must be getting back to my work. I always like to rough out a new chapter before finishing for the day.’

  She legged it, and for a moment silence reigned. Then Bobbie said, ‘Phew!’ and I agreed that ‘Phew!’ was the mot juste.

  ‘We’d better get Glossop out of here quick,’ I said.

  ‘How can we? It’s up to your aunt to do that, and she’s away.’

  ‘Then I’m jolly well going to get out myself. There’s too much impending doom buzzing around these parts for my taste. Brinkley Court, once a peaceful country house, has become like something sinister out of Edgar Allan Poe, and it makes my feet cold. I’m leaving.’

  ‘You can’t till your aunt gets back. There has to be some sort of host or hostess here, and I simply must go home tomorrow and see Mother. You’ll have to clench your teeth and stick it.’

  ‘And the severe mental strain to which I am being subjected doesn’t matter, I suppose?’

  ‘Not a bit. Does you good. Keeps your pores open.’

  I should probably have said something pretty cutting in reply to this, if I could have thought of anything, but as I couldn’t I didn’t.

  ‘What’s Aunt Dahlia’s address?’ I said.

  ‘Royal Hotel, Eastbourne. Why?’

  ‘Because,’ I said, taking another cucumber sandwich, ‘I’m going to wire her to ring me up tomorrow without fail, so that I can apprise her of what’s going on in this joint.’

  6

  * * *

  I FORGET HOW the subject arose, but I remember Jeeves once saying that sleep knits up the ravelled sleave of care. Balm of hurt minds, he described it as. The idea being, I took it, that if things are getting sticky, they tend to seem less glutinous after you’ve had your eight hours.

  Apple sauce, in my opinion. It seldom pans out that way with me, and it didn’t now. I had retired to rest taking a dim view of the current situation at Brinkley Court and opening my eyes to a new day, as the expression is, I found myself taking an even dimmer. Who knew, I asked myself as I practically pushed the breakfast egg away untasted, what Ma Cream might not at any moment uncover? And who could say how soon, if I continued to be always at his side, Wilbert Cream would get it up his nose and start attacking me with tooth and claw? Already his manner was that of a man whom the society of Bertram Wooster had fed to the tonsils, and one more sight of the latter at his elbow might quite easily make him decide to take prompt steps through the proper channels.

  Musing along these lines, I had little appetite for lunch, though Anatole had extended himself to the utmost. I winced every time the Cream shot a sharp, suspicious look at Pop Glossop as he messed about at the sideboard, and the long, loving looks her son Wilbert kept directing at Phyllis Mills chilled me to the marrow. At the conclusion of the meal he would, I presumed, invite the girl to accompany him again to that leafy glade, and it was idle to suppose that there would not be pique on his part, or even chagrin, when I came along, too.

  Fortunately, as we rose from the table, Phyllis said she was going to her room to finish typing Daddy’s speech, and my mind was eased for the nonce. Even a New York playboy, accustomed from his earliest years to pursue blondes like a bloodhound, would hardly follow her there and press his suit.

  Seeming himself to recognize that there was nothing constructive to be done in that direction for the moment, he said in a brooding voice that he would take Poppet for a walk. This, apparently, was his invariable method of healing the stings of disappointment, and an excellent thing of course from the point of view of a dog who liked getting around and seeing the sights. They headed for the horizon and passed out of view; the hound gambolling, he not gambolling but swishing his stick a good deal in an overwrought sort of manner, and I, feeling that this was a thing that ought to be done, selected one of Ma Cream’s books from Aunt Dahlia’s shelves and took it out to read in a deck chair on the lawn. And I should no doubt have enjoyed it enormously, for the Cream unquestionably wielded a gifted pen, had not the warmth of the day caused me to drop off into a gentle sleep in the middle of Chapter Two.

  Waking from this some little time later and running an eye over myself to see if the ravelled sleave of care had been knitted up – which it hadn’t – I was told that I was wanted on the telephone. I hastened to the instrument, and Aunt Dahlia’s voice came thundering over the wire.

  ‘Bertie?’

  ‘Bertram it is.’

  ‘Why the devil have you been such a time? I’ve been hanging on to this damned receiver a long hour by Shrewsbury clock.’

  ‘Sorry. I came on winged feet, but I was out on the lawn when you broke loose.’

  ‘Sleeping off your lunch, I suppose?’

  ‘My eyes may have closed for a moment.’

  ‘Always eating, that’s you.’

  ‘It is customary, I believe, to take a little nourishment at about this hour,’ I said rather stiffly. ‘How’s Bonzo?’

  ‘Getting along.’

  ‘What was it?’

  ‘German measles, but he’s out of danger. Well, what’s all the excitement about? Why did you want me to phone you? Just so that you could hear Auntie’s voice?’

  ‘I am always glad to hear Auntie’s voice, but I had a deeper and graver reason. I thought you ought to know about all these lurking perils in the home.’

  ‘What lurk
ing perils?’

  ‘Ma Cream for one. She’s hotting up. She entertains suspicions.’

  ‘What of?’

  ‘Pop Glossop. She doesn’t like his face.’

  ‘Well, hers is nothing to write home about.’

  ‘She thinks he isn’t a real butler.’

  From the fact that my ear-drum nearly split in half I deduced that she had laughed a jovial laugh.

  ‘Let her think.’

  ‘You aren’t perturbed?’

  ‘Not a bit. She can’t do anything about it. Anyway, Glossop ought to be leaving in about a week. He told me he didn’t think it would take longer than that to make up his mind about Wilbert. Adela Cream doesn’t worry me.’

  ‘Well, if you say so, but I should have thought she was a menace.’

  ‘She doesn’t seem so to me. Anything else on your mind?’

  ‘Yes, this Wilbert-Cream-Phyllis-Mills thing.’

  ‘Ah, now you’re talking. That’s important. Did young Bobbie Wickham tell you that you’d got to stick to Wilbert closer than –’

  ‘A brother?’

  ‘I was going to say porous plaster, but have it your own way. She explained the position of affairs?’

  ‘She did, and it’s precisely that that I want to thresh out with you.’

  ‘Do what out?’

  ‘Thresh.’

  ‘All right, start threshing.’

  Having given the situation the best of the Wooster brain for some considerable time, I had the res all clear in my mind. I proceeded to decant it.

  ‘As we go through this life, my dear old ancestor,’ I said, ‘we should always strive to see the other fellow’s side of a thing, the other fellow in the case under advisement being Wilbert Cream. Has it occurred to you to put yourself in Wilbert Cream’s place and ask yourself how he’s going to feel, being followed around all the time? It isn’t as if he was Mary.’

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘I said it wasn’t as if he was Mary. Mary, as I remember, enjoyed the experience of being tailed up.’

  ‘Bertie, you’re tight.’

  ‘Nothing of the kind.’