Alice in Wonderland: The Vampire Slayer

by Lewis Carroll

  “What day of the month is it?” the Hatter asked again.

  Alice considered a little, and then said, “The fourth.”

  “Two days wrong!” sighed the Hatter. “I told you butter wouldn't suit the works!” he added looking angrily at the March Hare. “He put my watch in butter,” he explained to Alice. “And now it is off by two days.”

  “It was the best butter,” the March Hare meekly replied.

  “Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well,” the Hatter grumbled, “You shouldn't have put it in with the bread knife.”

  Alice couldn’t believe what she was hearing; was this really what she’d been reduced to? Listening to two crazy fools argue back and forth over dipping watches in butter and bread crumbs? Why had she jumped down the rabbit-hole in the first place? Had her pride gotten the best of her? She was sure that was it; she’d made a horrible decision. She’d give anything to be out of this dreadful place and back home fighting vampires – vampires who weren’t fifteen feet tall and ruled by a mysterious Blood Queen. At least there she could do some good; here she was subject to the whims of whatever strange creature she happened upon next.

  “I answered your question,” she said, as politely as she could. “Now can you give me information about the Blood Queen?”

  “I vote we change the subject,” the Hatter said, yawning. “I'm getting tired of this. I vote the young lady tells us a story.”

  “I'm afraid I don't know one,” said Alice, feeling her anger rising. “And I won’t stand for changing the subject until you give me the information I’ve come for.”

  “Just for saying that,” the Hatter said, matching her anger, “I will tell you nothing of the Queen!” He leapt up from the table. “I will only tell you of the King!”

  “Yes!” agreed the March Hare. “We will only speak of the King to you, young lady, for you have angered us very much.”

  Alice was silent. She didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or scream. In truth, she felt like doing all three. She felt like retrieving her stakes and driving them straight through the hearts of these two mad imbeciles when the Mad Hatter said:

  “I am doing you a favor young lady, for it is the King you must be truly afraid of. You are a silly girl to worry over the Blood Queen. The Blood King is far more powerful. He drinks the blood of infant children and it has made him very strong. He is not allergic to sunlight and can travel the land any time he wants.”

  Alice had been on the verge of standing up and leaving, but something in the way he said it stopped her. He didn’t sound quite so mad.

  “What King?” she asked. “I didn’t know there was a King.”

  “There isn’t,” said the March Hare.

  “Yes, there is,” said the Mad Hatter. “You always forget he exists because he can take many forms, take on the shape of any living creature that he wants,” he told the March Hare. “This is one of his powers, and it is part of what makes him so dangerous. You never see him coming, because he could be anyone. He is probably you for all I know!”

  They both paused for a moment, looking at each other with great suspicion.

  “Tell me all you know about the King?”

  “You stupid girl,” said the March Hare, “You believe every word he says, you are but a fool. There is no King.”

  “Stupid girl!” The Hatter echoed, and then he went back to prattling on about his watch.

  This piece of rudeness was more than Alice could bear. Seeing that she would get no more useful information out of them – presuming any of what she’d gotten could be deemed as useful – she got up in great disgust, and walked off.

  “A lot of help they were,” said Alice as she picked her way through the wood. But she couldn’t help wondering as she went, which time were they telling the truth? Was there a King or wasn’t there? And could he really shape shift? If that was true, that meant he could be anyone she’d encountered along the road. Her suspicions immediately ran to the Caterpillar, who had conveniently advised her to eat the wrong side of the mushroom – right as the two vampires showed up.

  Just as she thought this, she noticed that one of the trees had a door leading right into it. It appeared to be a portal of some kind. Perhaps this was why the Cheshire Cat had sent her over here after all? Perhaps this door led to somewhere special. And in she went.

  Chapter Six: Off With Their Head

  When she came out the other side she found herself at last in the beautiful garden, among the bright flowerbeds and the cool fountains.

  A large rose tree stood near the entrance of the garden: the roses growing on it were white, but there were three gardeners at it, busily painting them red.

  Alice thought this a very curious thing, and she went nearer to watch them, she realized it wasn’t paint they were using at all, but blood: human blood.

  Alice ducked behind one of the large rose bushes, careful to remain out of view.

  “Look out now, Five! Don't go splashing blood over me like that!”

  “I couldn't help it,” said Five, in a sulky tone, “Seven banged my elbow.”

  On which Seven looked up and said, “That's right, Five! Always lay the blame on others!”

  “You’d better not talk!” said Five. “I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded!”

  “What for?” said the one who had spoken first.

  “That's none of your business, Two!” said Seven.

  “Yes, it is his business!” said Five, “and I'll tell him – it was for bringing the cook 2-year-old blood, when you know good and well all blood has to be from the body of a newborn infant.”

  At this moment Two, who had been anxiously looking across the garden, called out, “The Queen! The Queen!” and the three gardeners instantly threw themselves flat upon their faces.

  There was a sound of many footsteps, and Alice looked round, horrified at the thought that the Blood Queen might be approaching right here and now. She thought she had a few more hours until sundown, but was shocked to see that the sun was rapidly disappearing from the sky.

  Alice ducked down lower, cowering behind the large rose bush, the stakes she’d carved earlier hidden carefully beside her.

  The procession was never-ending. Alice could see glimpses of it through the holes in the rose bush. She was careful to remain hidden as she peaked out.

  First came ten soldiers carrying clubs; next ten courtiers, ornamented all over with diamonds and rubies. Next came members of the royal family; there must have been a hundred of them, all vampires, standing tall and proud as they walked out dressed from head to toe in solid red. Finally came the guests, and among them Alice recognized the White Rabbit; it was talking in a hurried nervous manner, smiling at everything that was said, and went by without noticing her. Then followed the tall vampire Alice had seen earlier in the day, the one she’d followed down the rabbit-hole. He was carrying the Queen’s crown on a crimson velvet cushion; and, last of all this grand procession, came THE BLOOD QUEEN.

  Alice was stunned as she caught the first glimpse of her. The Blood Queen was breathtaking in every way imaginable – where vampires usually possessed strange, mangled features, the Blood Queen was blessed with beautiful cheekbones, ruby red lips, and flowing long blonde hair. She was slim and angelic, not nearly as tall as her vampire brethren. She moved gracefully, so much so that Alice briefly thought she was floating, not walking, as she moved.

  Alice stood absolutely still, watching in awe as this delicate creature took the throne and bent forward so the crown could be placed firmly upon her head.

  So much for the Mad Hatter and the March Hare and their ridiculous tale of a Blood King, Alice thought. It was obvious now that the Queen was ruler of this land.

  Once she was seated, she said, “And who are these?” pointing to the three gardeners who were lying round the rose tree; why are they in my court?

  Before anyone could answer, the Queen turned crimson with fury, and, after glaring at the crowd for a moment l
ike a wild beast, screamed, “Off with their heads! Off with their heads!”

  Out of nowhere, two vampires appeared, holding axes. They moved swiftly, so swift that one of the gardeners had just begun to scream, “Please! Spare me! I am not the one!” but his could not finish his speech before his head went rolling along the grass.

  Alice drew in a breath and tried hard to keep from gasping out loud. One by one, the men’s heads were lopped off, and sent rolling as the crowd of vampires cheered. Alice felt herself growing dizzy from the sight of it when a tiny hand reached out to steady her. She jumped in alarm.

  It was the White Rabbit. He had somehow found his way behind the rose bush where she was hiding, and had come to join her. He put a finger up to his lips, and motioned for her to be silent.

  “I thought you said there would be a trial?” Alice whispered.

  “There will be,” he whispered back.

  “She’s just beheading people left and right!” Alice was horrified. “This isn’t a trial at all.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know about this,” the White Rabbit said. “This wasn’t planned. It’s usually just one beheading a night. But one of the gardeners painted the rose bush the wrong color, and another gave the Queen the wrong kind of blood, so she decided to do away with all three of them.”

  “You need to get one of those axes,” he told her, motioning towards the executioners axes.

  “What good will it do me?” Alice whispered.

  “You can use it to kill the Queen,” the Rabbit said. “They will soon bring out the defendant for the trial. But the trial will be very short. After she gives the order for a beheading, she will be so excited she will lose all focus; she will be vulnerable for one brief moment. That is when you must act. You will have a brief window, when they march the prisoner down before her. As they prepare to behead him, you must make your move.”

  The White Rabbit turned to go. Before he left, Alice thought to ask:

  “Who is the prisoner?”

  “Tobias,” he said. “The other slayer.”

  * * *

  Alice couldn’t believe what the White Rabbit had just told her. So there was another slayer – it wasn’t just idle chatter. Not only that, but he was alive and well and living here in Wonderland.

  For the moment, at least.

  If the White Rabbit was right – and he’d been right about everything thus far – in just a few moments Tobias would be brought out for a mock trial and then quickly sentenced to a beheading. Very quickly, if it went anything like what happened to the poor gardeners.

  Alice knew she had to act fast. Not only could she not bear to see the Blood Queen kill another helpless victim – but this was her only chance for escape. If Tobias was brought out and beheaded, and Alice did nothing, she would likely find her own head on the chopping block moments later.

  Her eyes fell to the axe that still lay abandoned in the garden. The vampire had set it down immediately after beheading his three victims and had not yet come around to pick it up again. It took every ounce of willpower Alice had not to run out and grab it straight away. Seeing the axe lying just a few feet from her hiding place was almost too much to bare, but she knew she had to be patient. If she made her move right now – while the Queen was still in top form – it would be a suicide mission. She had to bide her time until just the right moment. Hopefully, she’d be able to grab the axe before the vampire came to retrieve it….

  “Maxmillian!” The Queen yelled, and Alice peeked around the rose bush to see the blonde-haired vampire from earlier emerge into the Queen’s court. “Fetch me the prisoner!”

  “Yes, your Highness,” said Maxmillian.

  Alice wondered if he’d be tempted to take a bite out of Tobias as he had been with her earlier. But if he was, it didn’t show. Within a split second, Maxmillian had returned, carrying a cloaked figure in his arms.

  “Who do you present before me?” asked the Queen.

  “Your Majesty, I present the slayer,” he said. “Alice Graves.”

  Alice gasped as she heard him announce her name. What was he talking about? Who did he have under the cloak? The White Rabbit had told her it was Tobias, the other vampire slayer, but he had obviously been mistaken. Either way, it certainly wasn’t her.

  Either way, Alice watched in horror as the Queen said, “Very well. Off with her head!”

  Maxmillian nodded and the whole crowd cheered.

  Alice knew, right then and there, that it was time to make her move. She turned and looked onto the ground, but the axe was gone.

  Chapter Seven: Escape from Wonderland

  It was then that Alice felt a tap on her shoulder.

  “Looking for this?” It was the White Rabbit!

  Alice nodded silently. She was terribly confused by the whole scene.

  “I grabbed it for you while they brought out the prisoner.”

  “I thought you said it was Tobias?” Alice asked.

  The Rabbit shrugged. “That was what I heard.”

  “But, then, who is it?” Alice asked.

  “I don’t know.” He handed her the axe. “There’s no time for this. You must make your move now if you’re to kill the Queen. Run!” He said.

  Alice didn’t need to be told twice. She was still shocked by the turn of events, but she took off for the Queen at full speed, axe in hand. She could still feel the effects of the magic mushroom working on her, as she was stronger and faster than normal, though still no match for the vampires. She’d barely covered half the distance of the garden when Maxmillian grabbed her and scooped her up into his arms.

  She swung the axe, searching for the soft spot on his neck, and missed, hitting him in the chest. Maxmillian staggered backwards slightly, giving her just enough time to break free. But the axe was stuck. Alice tried to pull it free, but it was lodged tightly in the vampire’s sternum.

  It was then that she heard a loud commotion. Alice whirled around to see that the prisoner had emerged from underneath the cloak and was now wielding a sharp knife. “Here!” he said, throwing the dagger to her. Alice barely had time to catch it, and was grateful for all the time she’d spent training with her mom back home. She just caught the dagger by the handle, holding it in one hand as she charged forward toward the Queen.

  She had no idea who the prisoner was or why he’d tossed the knife to her, but then she heard him yell, “The vein!” she knew instantly what he mean – and who he must be.

  Only another slayer would know about the bloodletting.

  Could this be Tobias?

  The Queen sat still on her throne. Her skin had gone ghostly white, many shades paler than any vampire Alice had ever seen before. Alice couldn’t believe she was just sitting here, calmly waiting as Alice raced up the steps, dagger in hand.

  Alice had never attempted a bloodletting. She knew the procedure well, but only in theory. The vein was located on the vampire’s left hand, just beneath the nail bed of their ring finger. Sever it fully, and it would bleed out worse than a carotid artery. Rumor had it that back in the day vampires had used this technique when they wished to commit suicide, piercing their own left ring finger with their teeth.

  Alice moved quickly, still spurred on by the power of the mushroom. With lightening speed, she dove in, grabbing the Queen’s left hand, twisting the nail back and driving the dagger deep under the skin. For a brief second nothing happened and then, in an explosion of red befitting one named the Blood Queen, an eruption of red liquid exploded from her hand, dousing Alice from head to toe and spraying down all who stood near. Alice staggered backward, rubbing the blood out of her eyes. She looked down to see her dress, once white in the front, was now covered in blood.

  She couldn’t believe how easy it had been. All these years she’d feared bloodletting, for it required getting so close to a vampire’s hand, with their long vicious nails.

  The Queen screamed in horror, as her body began to shrink and shrivel.

  Alice couldn’t believe how easy this
had all been. Then, suddenly….

  “Thank you, my dear.” She turned around to find the White Rabbit, standing next to the man she had presumed was Tobias. Only the Rabbit didn’t look so much like a rabbit anymore. His teeth were big, protruding. Fangs. And he was holding Tobias by the neck.

  “Thank you for taking care of my wife.” The Rabbit smiled and his fangs came out, fully extended.

  Alice could only watch, in horror, as the White Rabbit transformed before her eyes, shifting from a simple, harmless bunny into a fifteen-foot tall bloodsucker.

  He laughed, a wicked cackle that she recognized all too well as the famous vampire snarl.