If I Dream

by K. M. Scott

  He jumped up from the bed and lunged at me to wrestle the phone from my hold, but I wouldn’t let go. I held on to that phone and screamed, “Why won’t you show me? What do they say? Oh Ryder, remember your pretty Kitty so patiently waiting for you. I’m not a problem at all. Not like that Serena. I won’t be a hassle or force you to make hard choices. I won’t try to kill myself.”

  Ryder stepped back with a look of horror on his face. “Give me the phone, Serena.”

  I considered looking at his messages and call logs, but I couldn’t bring myself to and have to face the truth that he had spoken to her recently. Tossing the phone on the bed, I walked around to my side and slid under the covers, wishing I hadn’t said any of those horrible things to him.

  The bed moved when he finally sat down again, but I lay frozen in place lost in my sadness at what I’d done. I waited for him to turn the movie on again, but I heard nothing. After all those weeks together but never feeling him close to me, I yearned for his touch again but couldn’t bring myself to turn around to face him.

  Not after what I’d just done.

  After a few minutes of waiting, I accepted that I’d finally pushed him too far and closed my eyes. As I slowly began to drift off to sleep hating every word I’d said to him, Ryder wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close, enveloping me in his hold.

  “I love you, Serena. I don’t know how to fix this, and every night as I watch you sleep, I think about the plans we had to leave here and be happy together. Doing this is killing me.”

  Tears rolled down my face at the sound of those words coming out of his mouth after all I’d done. I wanted so much to go away with him like he wanted, and it broke my heart that I couldn’t and would be forced to marry someone else because of it.

  “I wish there was something we could do,” I said quietly, knowing there wasn’t.

  He softly kissed my cheek and whispered, “There’s nothing we can do. He’s got us both right where he wants us.”

  I brought his hand to my lips and kissed it. “I love you. No matter what happens, no matter what I do, I love you, Ryder.”

  Not that it mattered. Nothing mattered in this world he and I were trapped in.

  * * *

  Janelle twirled around my bedroom in her lilac colored matron of honor dress with a smile that looked like she was the one getting married. My only bridesmaid because my father wouldn’t let me ask anyone else, she relished the idea of a fancy party where she could get dressed up and be on show.

  “How do I look, Serena?” she asked as I walked out of the bathroom from putting on my makeup.

  “Like the star of the show. Bridesmaids aren’t supposed to upstage the bride, but I think you’re going to in that dress. What made you decide on a strapless dress?”

  I knew the answer to that question, even if I hadn’t had any part in the choice of her gown for my wedding. Janelle liked to show off her good parts, and her shoulders were two of those.

  “It’s fall, but it had to be strapless. Plus, it matches your dress beautifully,” she answered as she walked over to the full length mirror to take another look at herself.

  My dress was a white satin strapless dress that I had to admit I liked. It hugged all the right spots on me and made me feel beautiful. Too bad I was wearing it to marry the wrong man.

  I looked down my arms to where the scar from my suicide attempt sat on the inside of my wrist. Wincing, I ran my fingertip over the red mark. “Janelle, can you hand me that bracelet in the box on the bed?”

  She tore herself away from her reflection and opened the box. Holding the bracelet up to examine it, she asked, “Is this what Daddy gave you for your wedding present?”

  I nodded as she ooohed and ahhhed over the diamond and pearl bracelet just thick enough to conceal the scar on my wrist. “Yes. He brought it up this morning. It’s very nice.”

  Janelle twisted her face into an expression of disgust at how underwhelmed I sounded. Studying it, she sighed. “It’s more than nice, Serena. It’s stunning. There must be over two carats of diamonds in this.”

  “I guess. I like the pearls too, though.”

  Handing it to me, she rolled her eyes at my mention of liking the pearls. I liked them because they didn’t hurt when they rubbed against my still tender skin where the razor blade had sliced into me. I didn’t bother telling Janelle that, though. We’d never once talked about my suicide attempt, and something told me in her festive mood she wouldn’t be much of a shoulder to cry on anyway.

  To my sister, the idea of killing herself instead of marrying a wealthy man was such a foreign thought that she couldn’t even imagine entertaining it.

  “Well, it’s almost time. Do you need me to help you get your dress on? I’m happy to help.”

  I shook my head and pressed a smile onto my face. “No, that’s okay. I’m fine with zipping it up in the back, and other than that, I just have to put my shoes on.”

  It all sounded so perfectly normal, like how two sisters would talk to one another on one of their wedding days. That it was anything but normal escaped my sister, though. My marriage was as much a business transaction as hers was, but since she and Charles seemed to have found some kind of happiness in the months they’ve been together, I guessed she thought the same would happen for me and Oliver eventually.

  But I wasn’t my sister. I had a man I loved already.

  Lifting my chin with her index finger, she smiled at me. “You look so beautiful, Serena. That Oliver is a very lucky man. Daddy better not let him forget it.”

  I didn’t know what to say to her when she said things like that. Our father didn’t give a damn about how Oliver felt about me or vice versa. All he cared about was getting into my soon-to-be husband’s business. Nothing more.

  Forcing an even bigger smile, I kissed her on the cheek. “You better go. The ceremony is going to start in a few minutes, so my matron of honor needs to be at the altar ready to go.”

  She bubbled with excitement at that thought. “This is so great! I’m so happy for you. Okay, I’m going to go. See you in a few!”

  With a turn, she spun around and headed toward the door. Ryder came in as she left since he had to watch me whenever someone else wasn’t around, even on this day. It wouldn’t do to get so close to the finish line and have the prize horse come up lame, now would it?

  We hadn’t spoken more than few vague words since that night I said those terrible things, and now as he closed the door behind him, he didn’t even look at me. Sitting down in the chair he spent hour upon hour in, he simply looked down at his black dress shoes and then brushed off a piece of lint from his black suit coat.

  I retreated to the bathroom to put on my dress and finish getting ready for the ceremony that was set to begin in only a few minutes. As I did, I looked over at the window that faced out toward a side of the house away from the ceremony and reception area.

  No, it was too high. Even if I made it out onto the ledge, I’d never make it down to the ground.

  Pushing the last thought of freedom out of my mind, I returned to my room to find Ryder standing just outside the door with a strange look on his face. Without looking at me, he tilted his head and stared past me into the bathroom.

  “I was beginning to think I’d have to come in to get you. That seemed to take a long time.”

  Since there was no reason not to be truthful, I said as I pushed past him, “I was considering trying to escape out the window, but it’s too high. You should be thankful. Imagine the hell you’d catch if you let me get away today.”

  Ryder said nothing, and when I turned around to look at what effect my words had on him, I saw him standing with his arms behind his back and his eyes lowered and firmly set on the floor.

  I didn’t know how he did it. If someone said those things to me, I’d snap back. I knew I had it coming, but he never said a word in response after that night.

  I opened the bedroom door and looked out into the hall. “Time to go, Ryder. Your j
ob is almost done.”

  Something in me wanted to see a look of pain come over his face or even the tiniest frown turn down the corners of that mouth that made me so happy. He gave me nothing in response to my taunts, though.

  Maybe that’s what I deserved.

  He closed the door behind us and touched my arm to escort me downstairs. For at least a few moments, I could enjoy being next to him again.

  At the top of the stairs, he stopped me and said in a voice full of anguish, “You don’t have to do this, Serena. You don’t have to marry a man you don’t love.”

  The idea was utterly laughable. Of course I had to. He knew that as well as I did. I couldn’t imagine why he’d say something so ridiculous and felt a smile form on my lips, even though inside all I wanted to do was cry.

  “You know that’s not true. I have to marry Oliver because as long as I’m alive, I don’t have a choice. Now unless you have a secret plan to throw me down these stairs and end it all for me…”

  I didn’t finish my sentence because the agony written all over his face made the words catch in my throat. For the past two days, he’d hardly looked at me, and now those green eyes looked like they were barely holding back tears.

  “If you think I’m going to say I’m sorry for saving your life, I’m not. You can hate me all you want, but I wasn’t going to let you bleed to death in that bathtub, Serena. I couldn’t. And no matter what you say to me, none of it is going to change that I love you.”

  As I stood there watching the pain and sadness wash over him, I knew he had saved me because he cared. After all we’d endured, he still loved me.

  “I don’t want an apology, Ryder. What’s done is done, and now I have to deal with the consequences.”

  “I would have made you happy, Serena.”

  Tears filled my eyes as the dream I’d still held out hope for slowly faded away. “I know.”

  In the distance, I heard the notes of the wedding march begin outside in the garden. As he continued to look at me like he had more to say, I forced a smile and said what I knew would stop him from speaking.

  “This has always been my fate, Ryder. I let myself think it wouldn’t be because of you, but that was just a dream.”

  He gave me that frown I’d wished for and nodded but said nothing more. What else was there to say? In a few minutes, he’d watch me marry Oliver Landon and try to convince himself that my being married to a man I didn’t love was better than my being dead.

  And I’d try to do the same for the rest of my life.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Ryder

  As the noise of guests celebrating began to die down outside, I sat in my apartment with a bottle of whisky and tried to push the memory of watching Serena marrying another man out of my mind. Every moment of the past week had been torture. Knowing this day would eventually come hadn’t stopped me from hoping it wouldn’t.

  All I wanted to do was protect her, and every single time I’d failed. I’d failed that night when her father found us together and packed her off to Italy. I’d failed when he announced she’d have to marry some guy she never met just to help his business. I’d failed to see how desperate she was and barely saved her life.

  And I’d failed to convince her to leave this fucking house.

  Robert had happily announced that she and Oliver would live on the estate in their own townhouse he’d had made from a few of the apartments his guards lived in. I’d been spared having to share my rooms with anyone, but the rest of the staff had been doubled up to make sure Serena stayed close and under her father’s watchful eye.

  I didn’t know if he thought she’d try to kill herself again or wanted them to stay for another reason. All I knew was her remaining here felt like the world’s worst double-edged sword. If she wasn’t nearby, then I wouldn’t have to witness the misery of every day the woman I loved with another man she barely knew and didn’t love, but to not see her ever again hurt worse than any beating I’d ever taken in a fight.

  Tilting the bottle toward my mouth, I took a mouthful of whisky and let it slide down my throat as I closed my eyes and struggled to push the sight of Oliver sliding that ring onto her finger before the priest pronounced them husband and wife. I’d watched from Robert’s side with my heart in my throat the entire time, silently praying something would happen to stop the wedding.

  But nothing did, and when Serena turned to look at her father as if to show she’d done what he commanded, she looked at me right after with that same awful pained look I’d seen that first night I came here to this place.

  It never failed to make my chest ache.

  Fuck. Sometimes I wished he’d never brought me here. I could handle the dirty work he made me do. Beating the hell out of people left me cold. I didn’t know them, and they didn’t know me. I was just the long arm of Robert Erickson’s power. Even the people I roughed up knew that.

  Serena was different, though. Having to basically keep her imprisoned in the place she called home to satisfy her father’s need to have her stay in one piece to marry Landon tore me apart. Unlike the men I hit with my fists, she was someone I knew. Someone I loved.

  Someone I never wanted to hurt.

  That’s exactly what I’d done, though. I’d saved her life only to be forced to make her pay every day since.

  Turning the light off on the table beside me, I sat in the darkness wishing it would swallow me up. Only once before in my life had I wished to disappear. Not kill myself or cease to exist but disappear and be somewhere else when the light returned.

  My parents had died and my uncle had already begun to fight me to help pay his bills. Fifteen year old boys cost a lot, he said. They had to be fed, clothed, and housed, and none of that came cheap. So instead of sending me out to the mall to get a job selling clothes to teenage girls or hardware to do-it-yourselfers, he put me into fights. And every night after I’d taken the beatings I had to in order to win, I’d lay in bed in the darkness of my tiny room wishing to disappear.

  And every morning, I’d be right there in that bed and in the light of day I’d see the bruises I’d earned the night before when I paid my way.

  Now I had bigger rooms and a supposedly better life, but still I wished into the darkness to disappear.

  A knock at my door stirred me from my misery, and even though I didn’t want to see anyone at that moment, I knew the hell that I’d catch if it was Robert standing on the other side of that door with some job he needed done. Taking another swig of whisky, I headed toward the door still with the bottle in my hand.

  Opening it, I saw not Robert but Serena standing there staring back at me. Wearing just a white dress and thin white sweater, she was barefoot, like usual.

  “Can I come in?” she asked in a tiny voice that matched the sad look she wore.

  I didn’t know what to say. I had no idea what she was doing at my door just hours after marrying another man, but I couldn’t turn her away, so I stepped back and let her in.

  As I closed the door and fumbled to find the light switch on the wall, I heard her say, “I wanted to say I’m sorry for how I’ve been since that night last week.”

  Taking another drink, I let her words sink in as the alcohol headed down toward my stomach. Had something happened with her husband or Robert and one of them had made her come here to apologize to me?

  Before I could say anything, she continued. “I’ve never thanked you for saving my life, Ryder. I’ve been awful to the one person who deserved my gratitude, and I’m sorry.”

  I sat back down in the chair and looked up at her, unsure what answer she wanted. My emotions were a fucking mess inside me, so even if I knew what to say it would probably come out all wrong. So I said nothing like I had for days around her.

  “It’s not so bad, you know? I get to stay in my home and Oliver’s not a horrible person, from what I can tell. So it’s okay.”

  “Do you want to sit down?” I asked, really wanting to know why she was there on her wedding ni
ght.

  She nodded and sat down on the couch next to where I sat. “Can I have a drink?”

  I handed her the bottle and watched as she took a mouthful. I’d never seen her drink whisky before and knew even that little amount would likely send her for a loop.

  “Be careful with that stuff. If you aren’t used to it, it’ll fuck you up and tonight’s not the night you want that to happen,” I said in as casual a voice I could find.

  She took a second but smaller swig of whisky and handed me the bottle again. “I’ve had a drink before.”

  In just a few seconds, our conversation had wound down to practically nothing, so I asked the question I wanted answered. “Why are you here, Serena? It’s your wedding night. Shouldn’t you be with your husband?”

  Instead of answering me, she stood up and began walking toward the door. Before she reached it, she stopped and slowly turned around, like she wanted to say something, but she just slipped her sweater off her shoulders and hung her head.

  “It’s my wedding night and the only person I want to be with is you.”

  “What about your husband?”

  “My husband prefers to spend time with his brother at his house instead of being with me.”

  My chest hurt seeing her like that. First she got forced into marrying someone she doesn’t love, and then she got to see that he never cared for her either.

  All at once, I hated her fucking husband and thanked God he hadn’t touched her. I hadn’t let myself go to that place all night, but now that I knew she hadn’t been with him, all I felt was relief.

  Then I realized the dress she wore wasn’t a dress but a nightgown. Unable to stop myself, I asked, “Did you wear that for him?”

  She shook her head. “I didn’t know what I was going to do if he wanted to sleep with me. I couldn’t, though. I couldn’t, Ryder.”

  I watched as she walked over and stood in front of me before saying in that same tiny voice she’d used to ask if she could come in, “Will you make love to me?”

  A few moments ticked by as I thought about how much I’d wanted to touch her for weeks, and then I saw her shake her head.