If I Dream

by K. M. Scott

  Before she could get to the couch, I grabbed her by the arm and spun her around to face me. “You’ve never worn shoes since the day I met you.”

  Serena lowered her head to look down at her feet. “It’s not a big deal, Ryder. Just drop it.”

  “Drop what? What’s changed?”

  Biting her lip, she hesitated before mumbling, “Oliver said I looked like some kind of homeless person walking around barefoot and he doesn’t want his wife to look like that. He wants me in shoes now. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Even knowing why you don’t want to wear them?”

  “I didn’t tell him. It’s no big deal. Really.”

  “You keep saying that, but you won’t even look at me when you tell me you’re okay with this guy saying you look like a homeless woman,” I said, my anger rising with every word.

  She yanked her arm from my hold and glared up at me. “What am I supposed to do, Ryder? He’s my husband! I didn’t choose that, but it’s the way it is. I can fight him on everything and be completely miserable or I can honor his wishes on some things and not hate my life entirely. What would you have me do?”

  My head spun at the idea that now she was honoring his wishes. What did that mean exactly? “What the fuck are you doing to make him happy, Serena?”

  A look of horror settled into her face. “What does that mean? Why are you asking me that?”

  Something inside me snapped as possessiveness tore through me. I pushed her back against the wall, scaring her. I knew I should stop right there, but I couldn’t. Even the mere idea of her trying to please that fuck of a husband made me insane with jealousy.

  Her eyes grew wide as I jammed my hand up her shorts to touch her pussy. “So now it’s all about making Oliver happy? I guess that means you’re sleeping with him. Does he make you feel like I do, Serena? Is his cock bigger than mine? Does he make you come harder? Is that why it’s suddenly so important to honor his wishes?”

  Pushing against my fingers as they slid inside her, she sobbed, “Don’t do this, Ryder. Please. You know I don’t have a choice. Why are you saying these things to me?”

  I held her fast against the wall and answered her even as I began to spin out of control. “Bullshit. There’s always a choice.”

  “How? What choice have I ever had in anything? Did I choose to lose my mother? Did I choose to be sent away from you? Did I choose to be married to a man I don’t love? I never have a choice. You know that better than anyone else.”

  The truth of her words made my heart break, and I let myself collapse against the wall, exhausted from the anger and jealousy coursing through me. I knew how little choice she had in the life her father forced upon her. I just hated the idea that this Oliver guy was changing her.

  She began to cry beneath me, making me hate this whole thing even more. “I’m sorry, Serena. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

  Her body heaved against mine as she sobbed, and I took her in my arms as much to make myself feel better as to make her understand how much I regretted what I’d become. Tilting her head back, I kissed her cheek as tears rolled down onto my lips.

  “Please don’t take these moments away from me, Ryder. You’re the only person I can be myself with. Don’t push me away because I have to be someone else for him.”

  My emotions raced from rage to misery and back again as the idea of her changing for Oliver settled into my brain. Backing away, I shook my head, not wanting to accept it.

  “I can’t do this, Serena. I can’t pretend that you doing things to make him happy doesn’t kill me inside. I know it shouldn’t since you don’t love him, but it does.”

  “No, don’t say that!” she cried. Reaching out for me, she took my hands in hers and squeezed them as she stared up into my eyes. “I can’t do this without you, Ryder. I spend my days waiting until the moment I can come here to see you. Everything else in my life is a sham. But you, you’re real. And what we are is real. I can’t believe that you can just walk away from us. I won’t believe it.”

  I looked down at where she and I held hands and wished things were different for us. But they weren’t. And they’d never be.

  Lifting my head, I watched as tears streamed down her face as she waited for me to say something. I didn’t want to say the words I knew I had to, but I didn’t have a choice.

  “Are we going to do this for the rest of our lives? Are we going to hide out in these rooms and never get to share a day at the beach together? Never get to just go for a walk around the garden ever again? Never lay down and watch TV like we used to? Is this the life you want?”

  Serena shook her head sadly. “No, but it’s the best of the life I have. Is it that you don’t love me anymore? Is that it?”

  “No,” I answered truthfully, wishing it could be that easy. “I love you more than I thought I could love anyone. You’re the first thought on my mind when I open my eyes in the morning and the last when I fall asleep at night. And in between, I can think of little else than when I’ll see you next.”

  Stepping toward me, she cupped my cheek with her palm and smiled. “And I love you. It’s not everything we deserve, but it’s all we have. Please don’t send me away because it isn’t perfect.”

  “Jesus, Serena. Not perfect? You sneak over here at night to be with me after pretending all day to be someone else. Perfect isn’t anywhere close to what we are.”

  “Is it that you have a problem with me not being faithful to my husband? The man who my father traded me to? Is that what this is?” she asked as her eyes pleaded for me to stay with her.

  “No. I don’t give a fuck about you being faithful to him. It’s us that I have the problem with. I want to be able to hold your hand while we walk. I want to sleep with you in my arms all night long and wake up to you next to me. We’re never going to be able to do that because I’ll always be hiding in the shadows while you work to make Oliver happy.”

  Hanging her head, Serena said in a tiny voice, “They’re only shoes, Ryder.”

  Her insistence on not seeing how important this was to me made my blood boil. Pushing her away, I barked, “Go home to your husband, Serena. Go make him happy tonight by wearing shoes.”

  She stood there stunned for a moment as my rejection settled in. I couldn’t let this go, no matter how small she wanted to make me think it was.

  I turned away from her and walked to my bedroom, exhausted from everything we were and had become. I missed the days when it was just the two of us in that bedroom talking and wishing for a future we’d never have. I even missed the last few weeks we spent together in her room before her wedding. It wasn’t perfect and maybe it was more fucked up than even I wanted to admit, but at least it had been just the two of us.

  Serena came up behind me and began beating me with her fists. “Don’t turn away from me!”

  Her punches barely registered against my skin. “Go home, Serena.”

  “So that’s it? You’re done with me, so I’m supposed to just go home? I don’t get any say in this?”

  I turned to see her barely holding it together, but I had nothing more for her. I’d never be done with her, but we couldn’t continue on like this. “No, you don’t. Go home to your husband.”

  Her eyes flashed her hatred for me at that moment, and she screamed, “My husband who loves when I fuck him, Ryder? My husband who only asks that I wear shoes in return for buying me anything I want? Is that the man you want me to return to? Maybe I should. I mean, what’s wearing shoes when I can have a man who has all the money in the world and doesn’t have to be a lapdog for my father?”

  Her words cut me to the bone. Even when she’d hated me for saving her, I’d always known deep down she cared. Now as she glared up at me and told me I was nothing compared to Oliver, I saw none of that love I’d believed she felt for me.

  “Nothing to say now?” she asked, practically goading me to fight with her.

  But fighting isn’t what I wanted at that moment. Grabbing her by
the waist, I threw her on the bed and covered her body with mine. I pinned her arms above her head and kissed her hard, letting all my rage and jealousy control me.

  “You forget I’m not a lapdog, Serena. I’m a junkyard dog, and those bite when provoked.”

  She struggled against my hold, pushing her wrists against my hands until I released her. Tearing at my shirt, she ripped it off my back and raked her fingernails over my skin.

  “Then bite.”

  I pulled her shorts off and slid my cock out of my pants. With one hard thrust, I pushed into her cunt until I was buried inside her. She bucked against me and wrapped her legs around my waist as I began fucking her with abandon.

  She was mine and no man, not even her goddamned husband who could give her the world, could give her this.

  Tugging her hair, I pulled hard as my mouth took all I needed from hers. She moaned softly each time my cock filled her, and every time I plunged harder and deeper into that tight cunt than I’d ever before. I wanted to claim her, to make sure anyone who saw her knew she’d been fucked by a man who possessed her body and soul.

  Like she possessed me.

  “Tell me you don’t love him, Serena. Say it.”

  Her hands clawed at my shoulders as I leaned back to see her face. “I don’t. I don’t love him. I couldn’t love him. I love you. Only you. Tell me you still love me too.”

  I pushed my hips forward to bury my cock inside her and groaned, “More than you’ll ever know.”

  She was my obsession, and no matter how much I knew it would kill me when she left me in that apartment alone again, I couldn’t stop myself. I needed her. I wanted her. And no matter what it did to me, I couldn’t stop loving her.

  Her release began, and she came hard, tearing her nails down my back as her cunt squeezed my cock. She gave me everything she had and took everything I have to give.

  We lay in each other’s arms, drenched with the sweat from our lovemaking, and she quietly said, “I’m sorry I said those things before. Do you forgive me?”

  As I looked into those deep brown eyes, I would have forgiven her for anything. Kissing her softly, I whispered against her lips, “Always. I don’t have a choice.”

  “Aren’t you happy you love me?”

  I held her to me and pressed my lips to the scar on the inside of her wrist. “I don’t know what I am, but I know this. I love you, and no matter what happens, that won’t change.”

  She told me she loved me and promised someday we’d be together, but I knew better. No matter how much she cared, we were pawns in her father’s world and that would never change.

  Chapter Twenty

  Serena

  I returned home to find Oliver already back from work earlier than usual. Prepared with a lie I’d concocted before going to see Ryder, I smiled sweetly as I closed the front door and said, “You’re home already? If I knew you’d be here, I would have waited for you before I took my walk.”

  His eyes flashed his clear anger and he asked, “Where were you at this time of night?”

  Avoiding his suspicious gaze, I headed toward the kitchen. “Just out for a walk, like I said. It’s a beautiful night, so I wanted to enjoy it.”

  I poured myself some wine and quickly downed half a glass to calm my nerves. I didn’t mind lying to Oliver, but I knew by the sharpness of his voice that he suspected me of something. The last thing I could handle now was a fight with him too. My emotions were right below the surface as it was.

  With my back to the doorway, I heard him enter the kitchen. My body tensed as I waited for him to say something. When he did, my heart sank.

  “Where are your damn shoes?” he asked in a clipped tone.

  I looked down at my feet and remembered I’d left them at Ryder’s. Scrambling for an answer, I pressed a smile onto my face and turned around to face Oliver.

  “My shoes? I must have forgotten them out in the garden. It was so beautiful out, I took them off.”

  His expression twisted into a look of disgust, and he opened his mouth to scold me, but before he could a knock on the front door interrupted him. Hurrying away to answer it, I prayed to God it was my father to distract Oliver from his rage.

  I opened the door and saw Ryder standing there in his suit dangling my shoes off the end of his finger. Terrified he’d say the wrong thing and reveal my lie, I stood frozen to the spot, unable to say a word.

  But I saw that gentle look in his eyes that told me everything would be okay if I trusted him. With a smile, he said, “I’m sorry to come here so late, but I found your shoes and wanted to return them to you.”

  Behind me, Oliver snapped, “What are you doing with my wife’s shoes?”

  Ryder’s gaze slowly left my face to look at the man demanding an answer. “I found them outside and knew she’d want them back, so I’m returning them.”

  Stopping at my side, my husband asked, “Who are you? Haven’t I seen you in her father’s office before?”

  With a smile I knew would infuriate Oliver, Ryder answered, “I’m her brother, and yes, you’ve seen me in Robert’s office before.”

  Turning his attention back to me, he handed me my shoes. “Have a good night, and try to remember your shoes from now on.”

  I quickly took them and thanked him for returning them before slamming the door closed. Avoiding Oliver, I slipped them onto my feet and began walking back to the kitchen, but he grabbed my arm tightly to stop me.

  Turning around, I saw the rage in his eyes. “I’ve never heard of a brother. You only have a sister, so who the fuck is that?”

  I tried to pull my arm away from his hold, but he only tightened his grasp on me. “You’re hurting my arm.”

  “Tell me who he is,” he demanded, squeezing the skin on my arm even harder.

  “He’s my brother!”

  Oliver glared at me. “No, he’s fucking not. He doesn’t even look like you or your sister. So who the hell is he?”

  Knowing how ridiculous I sounded, I tried to explain who Ryder was to my father since I couldn’t explain who he was to me. “Well, not really, but my father sort of adopted him a few years back, so he sort of is. He’s one of his bodyguards.”

  For a long moment, my husband stood watching me to see if I was telling the truth. I hadn’t lied. Ryder was everything I’d said. Just not to me.

  To me, he was a lifeline I clung to desperately and couldn’t imagine living without. Just knowing I would see him made my days bearable. His touch on my skin ignited the only passion I felt for anything or anyone these days.

  And as I stood there facing the man I’d been forced to marry, I wished I could declare my love for Ryder, to be honest to Oliver and the world and say that no matter what my father wanted, I’d found someone who made me want to live.

  “I don’t want to see him around you anymore. He’s got a cheap look about him that I don’t want to think about next to you.”

  Oliver turned to head toward the bedroom as I instinctively defended the man I loved. “That cheap look, as you call it, is from years of fighting for his very existence. Something someone like you could never understand.”

  Spinning around, my husband narrowed his eyes to angry slits. “What did you say?”

  This wasn’t a fight I could win, so I merely shrugged and gave in. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

  “That’s what I thought. From now on, I don’t want you out once it’s dark, Serena.”

  “Why?” This felt like every argument I’d ever had with my father, but unlike him, Oliver wasn’t going to control me.

  “Because I said so,” he snapped sharply. “I’m your husband and that’s what I want.”

  “And what about what I want?” I asked as he walked away.

  Oliver didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. My father had made it perfectly clear how little what I wanted mattered when he offered me up like some thing to be traded between owners.

  But I wasn’t going to forever be this powerless. I wouldn’t let myself be
. And when I finally did find a way to control my life, Oliver and my father should worry because I would remember every second of being under their power for the rest of my life.

  * * *

  The phone I kept to communicate with Ryder vibrated against my hip making me smile in anticipation. Eager to have any contact with him after three nights alone, I looked down and saw in his message that he missed me as much as I missed him.

  At night I dream about us being far away from this place. In a cabin somewhere in the woods where no one but the two of us exist.

  I knew exactly how he felt. Sometimes I dreamed about us running away to some far off place where no one knew who we were and we could just be together and happy.

  I miss you. He won’t let me out at night anymore. He has someone watching me, I think.

  My dear husband had never come out and told me he was having me followed, but I thought I saw someone ducking behind the hedges in the garden earlier that day and again when I went down to my father’s office right before dinner. I knew he suspected something, but there was a part of me that didn’t care.

  What else could he do to me that I hadn’t endured before?

  There was some strange solace in knowing that whatever Oliver did, I could handle it because I’d had to with my father. So many times in my life I’d doubted I had the strength necessary to withstand what he’d done, but every time I’d come through. Emotionally battered and beaten, but I’d come through.

  Almost every time.

  I had Ryder to thank for that one time I nearly didn’t, and someday when we were free, I’d repay the debt I owed him for saving my life.

  Find a way to get to your father’s office. I’ll be waiting.

  My father’s office? How would we be together if we met there, of all places? I thought about asking Ryder that very question, but the mere idea that I’d get to feel his body next to mine made any suggestion to see him possible.