If I Dream
Page 19
What I knew about marriage could fit on the head of a pin, but I had the sense Robert wasn’t asking me for my opinion on that topic. I honestly didn’t know where he was going with this conversation, so I did what I usually did with him.
I nodded and tried to make it look like I agreed with him, even if inside I was raging against whatever cruelty he’d decided to impose that day.
“They aren’t the same, and I have a sense you’re a bright enough guy to know that,” he continued. “Marriage is all business. Love, on the other hand, is something rare that needs to be treasured like a fine piece of jewelry.”
I’d never heard Robert practically wax poetic like that. The marriage as business idea seemed to be all he considered when it came to love, so his saying it was rare and needed to be treasured made me wonder if, in fact, he’d ever truly loved anyone. I’d assumed he hadn’t since he sent Serena’s mother away and never let her return, but maybe I was wrong. Maybe he did care about love.
Against my better judgment, I let my curiosity get the better of me and asked, “So do you care if your daughters ever find love, or is the business of marriage more important?”
Without even thinking, he said, “Love will get you nothing but misery. Mark my words, son. I’d be perfectly happy to see Janelle and Serena escape this life without ever having to deal with that. Trust me. Marriage can be negotiated, but love, never. One party always takes all, and the other person is left with nothing.”
I still didn’t know why Robert wanted to talk to me about this, but his answer unnerved me. If I’d ever truly believed he’d let Serena be with me because she loved me, I now knew that could never happen. I had nothing to negotiate with, so just as she’d been when we were perfect strangers and I was new to this house, she was out of my league.
And no amount of love was going to change that.
Pretending to take his words to heart, I smiled and nodded. “I’ll try to remember that.”
“I don’t think I have to worry about you anyway. I’ve never seen you with any woman, other than the ones you got at the club those few times, and they don’t count. Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”
I quickly answered, “Because you told me I needed to stay unattached the first night you brought me here. Remember?”
He thought back to that night and smiled. “You’re a smart one, Ryder. I bet you’re even smarter than I think. Just be careful. Don’t let anything get in the way of thinking straight or you’ll find yourself in a place you don’t want to be.”
I knew a veiled threat when I heard one. He made them dozens of times a day in front of me to business associates and other employees. I just wasn’t sure if this one meant he knew what Serena and I were up to or if he was referring to something entirely different that I had no idea about.
Whatever it meant, I did my usual smile and nod routine, and it seemed to make him happy.
Without another word, he picked up his office phone and seeing my cue to leave, I got out of there as quickly as possible before he decided he needed to have another heart-to-heart talk with me about some vague point he wanted me to decipher. Figuring out just what to say to a madman was a never-ending part of my job, but for tonight, I hoped I was done with Robert and his mysteries.
All I wanted to do was get blind drunk and try to forget that I’d just been ordered to stay away from the only person I cared about. I didn’t know how I was going to see her, but never seeing Serena again wasn’t an option.
No matter what her husband or father thought.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Serena
Oliver stomped around our apartment slamming doors and snapping whenever he passed me as I sat at the kitchen table. I’d lived through years of this kind of behavior from my father, so I knew my best bet was to stay silent and not provoke him any more than my mere presence did.
I didn’t have a sense that he knew what Ryder and I had done just a few hours before on that side road surrounded by trees, but just the fact that he’d driven me to Janelle’s had made Oliver fly into a rage. I’d barely gotten into the house before he started interrogating me about my whereabouts, and when he heard about who had taken me to my sister’s, his face turned beet red and he began to bark about how he’d told me I was never to see Ryder again.
Standing with my back pressed against the apartment front door, I braced myself for him to hit me. That look of rage on his face terrified me, and I stood perfectly still as if I was frozen to the spot while he flailed his hands around and screamed at me about how no wife of his should behave the way I did.
When I didn’t say anything in my own defense, he began to storm through the apartment slamming things that got in his way.
I’d never feared my father would hit me because that wasn’t who he was, but with Oliver’s temper, I knew it was just a matter of time before I angered him enough to make him raise a hand to me. Somewhere deep inside, I wished he would. I knew that was twisted and sad, but maybe if my father saw he was mistreating me he might do something about it.
In truth, I knew what do something about it meant. My father’s business dealings involved some very dark areas of the world, and even though I’d never witnessed any of what I was sure went on, Ryder had all but told me that when my father didn’t get his way, people suffered.
None of it surprised me. I’d seen it all my life.
“If I ever hear about him near you again, Serena, I swear to fucking God I won’t be responsible for what happens to him. I warned your father and I’m warning you. Don’t test me!” Oliver bellowed as I sat perfectly still in my chair at the kitchen table.
His voice echoed and made the window behind me rattle. I wanted to speak up and tell him I didn’t care what he did because I was going to see Ryder and nothing was going to stop me. I wanted to stand toe-to-toe with him and stare into his eyes so full of rage when I said, “I am not your property. I will do as I want.”
“Do you have anything to say for yourself? I specifically told you not to be around that guy again, and not a few days later you’re in a car with him for hours going to visit that sister of yours.”
I looked up at him and studied his round face and small eyes for a moment. He really was unappealing, even before he opened his mouth. How my father could have thought I would like him, much less ever love him, baffled me.
He wanted me to apologize for disobeying him. I knew that’s what he was waiting to hear. Well, he’d be waiting until hell froze over because I had no intention of apologizing for going to see my sister or who drove me there. Being with Ryder for those few short hours was the only thing that had made the day tolerable. I wouldn’t apologize for that or anything else, for that matter.
“My father wanted me to go see Janelle, so I went.”
Oliver’s face grew even redder. “Even after I expressly forbid you to be around that guy?” he screamed.
“My father chose who would drive me. I had nothing to do with that.”
None of my answers were lies, although I didn’t care if I had to lie to this son of a bitch. He didn’t deserve the respect that came from any truth I could give him about who Ryder was to me. Maybe if he’d ever treated me with even the slightest kindness I may have been willing to show him some in return, but when he wasn’t ignoring me completely, he was barking at me like I was a misbehaving child he wanted to beat into submission.
Every night as I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come I wished he would simply go away. I fantasized about waking up one sunny morning and seeing his side of the bed empty. I’d look in the closet we shared and through groggy eyes see none of his clothes there anymore. His shoes wouldn’t be scattered around the bedroom floor where I had to navigate around them or risk tripping over them. His toothbrush would be gone, and his razor that he never put away would be absent from the bathroom vanity.
It would be like he never existed in my life, and I couldn’t imagine being happier about that.
As he passed by me yet again
, he stopped and shook his head violently. “I can’t stay here tonight. I can’t even look at you. I’m going to my brother’s house.”
“What’s new? You spend more time there than anywhere else. Why don’t you pack your things and just move there?” I asked, suddenly feeling braver than I had in months.
Instead of becoming even more enraged, Oliver calmly stepped toward the table and rapped his knuckles off the wood. “He warned me about you, you know that? He warned me that I was marrying below my level.”
I’d found few positive things about being born an Erickson, but one of them was the social class I’d been born into. While Oliver and his family were certainly well off, he hadn’t married below his level in any way with me.
And he knew it.
“Your brother wishes he was at my family’s level, Oliver. Feel free to tell him I said that too.”
A stunned look crossed his angry face. I rarely spoke up to defend myself with him, but his attempt at insulting me this way made me want to take a stand.
When he recovered from his surprise, he stood up to his just under six foot height and glared at me. “I know what you and that glorified pool boy are up to. Don’t think I don’t. I’ve known all along. So don’t think you’re fooling anyone, Serena.”
I struggled to keep my expression calm as inside I worried that he truly did know about Ryder and me. Maybe all he had were suspicions, but if he voiced them to my father, I had no idea what he’d do to Ryder, and the last thing I wanted was for him to get hurt.
“I told you he’s my adopted brother. Ask my father. He’ll tell you. And like any other brother and sister, it’s not surprising that we’d be around each other sometimes.”
Oliver shook his head again. “I should have listened to my brother. He warned me I was marrying a whore. What other reason would your father have to find you a husband unless you were a slut nobody would want?”
His words stung, even if I didn’t believe them or care what he thought of me. I wanted to scream that I wasn’t a whore. I was just someone trapped in a terrible situation, but I’d be damned if I stayed like this for the rest of my life.
I said nothing, though, and stared into his hateful eyes until he turned around and stormed out of the apartment with a final slam of the front door. When I heard his car squeal out of the driveway, I fished the phone I used to talk to Ryder out of my back pocket and saw a message.
Your father ordered me to not be around you anymore unless he’s there.
My heart sank as I read the words he’d sent me. Now even my father had decided I couldn’t be around him. Whatever happened to treating him like family?
My mind whirled as I tried to come up with something that could change his mind. Nothing Oliver had done so far seemed to have angered my father, and I wasn’t sure anything he said to me tonight would either.
But I had to try to sway him from his decision. Sneaking around on Oliver was hard enough, but sneaking around on my father too would make it next to impossible for us to ever see each other again.
Quickly, I typed a message to Ryder.
I’m going to see him tonight. Wait for me.
I hurried out of my apartment and down to my father’s office in the main house. I found him sitting behind his desk like usual at night, but he already had his suit jacket on, which meant he’d be leaving soon. I’d gotten there just in time.
“Daddy, I need to speak to you.”
He lifted his head from whatever had his attention on his laptop and stared at me. No smile or anything for his daughter.
“What is it, Serena? I was just leaving.”
Nervous at how disinterested he seemed to even speak to me, I tried to find the right words to say that would make him see that Oliver was being unreasonable about Ryder. The problem was nothing came to mind, and I ended up standing there with my mouth hanging open as he stared angrily at me.
He stood from his desk, a clear sign I was losing my opportunity to have him listen to me, so I blurted out, “Oliver told me his brother thinks I’m a whore. Is that any way for a husband to speak to his wife?”
It sounded childish and ridiculous to say that to him, but he’d been the one to force me to marry Oliver in the first place. Unfortunately, even hearing his daughter referred to as a whore didn’t seem to matter to him.
“Serena, married people have arguments and sometimes they say things they don’t mean. I’m sure Oliver was just upset about the fact that you weren’t there when he got home today. I take the blame for that since I was the one who sent you to your sister’s, but I think you’re getting upset about nothing. I’m sure if you go back and talk to him, you two will be able to smooth things over.”
His dismissal only made me more desperate, so I stopped him as he began to walk out. Looking up into his dark eyes, I pleaded with him. “He isn’t there. He decided to go to his brother’s again. He does that all the time, Daddy. And just how am I supposed to smooth over his calling me a whore who isn’t even at his social level?”
My father bristled at the mention of our family existing beneath the Landons on the social ladder, but still he refused to support me. Patting me on the arm like I was a puppy, he said, “Serena, I’m sure that was taken out of context. Give him a chance. Do it for me, okay?”
And with that he left me standing in his office before I could remind him my entire marriage was for him. But what was for me?
After both Oliver and my father basically treated me like a second-class citizen, I didn’t care who saw me go to Ryder’s apartment. When he opened the door, my emotions overwhelmed me and I barely got inside before I began to cry.
“What happened? Did he do something to you?” he asked in a protective voice I so desperately needed at that moment.
Shaking my head, I dried under my eyes. “No. I don’t know why I’m crying. I guess I just feel like every day gets worse and worse. First, I’m forced to marry a man I don’t love so my father can be happy, and then he forbids me from seeing you and my father says the same thing to you. It’s like the whole world is against us, Ryder. I don’t know how much more I can take.”
He put his arms around me and held me to him, and it was the best feeling in the world. After hours of dealing with men who didn’t care, he showed me with that one simple gesture that he cared for me.
That I meant something.
“Don’t think about them now. Here in this place it’s just you and me. Ryder and Serena. Nobody else.”
I looked up at him as my anger and stress began to melt away under his protective gaze. Someone just seeing him on the outside would only see the hardness that had settled into his face after years of working for my father. He hadn’t aged much from that handsome teenager with the stunning green eyes and chiseled features, but I saw the differences in him after all he’d done.
In those first days after he came to the house, I’d marveled at how beautiful he was. Even beaten up he had a sweetness that came through. A lightness that drew me to him.
Now I only saw that in his eyes when we were alone.
“What are we going to do, Ryder? Sometimes I feel like it’s a hopeless cause.”
He shook his head and frowned. “We are not a hopeless cause. It’s not us. The problem isn’t with us.” Pointing to his front door, he continued, “It’s out there with them. With people who only care about others when they can get something from them. We don’t belong with them, but we don’t have any choice. For now, this is where we are. What matters is that we have each other.”
When he talked like that, I believed that sometime in the future, somehow we’d be free of all the terrible things we had to live with now.
“I won’t let them stop me from seeing you, Ryder. I won’t. I don’t care what they do to me. I’ll find a way to always be here with you.”
He cradled my face in his hands and kissed me long and deep until nothing existed but him and me in the center of that room. The rest of the world fell away, leaving only us.
I knew just how he felt. I’d never tried to kill myself again only because of him. If Ryder wasn’t in my life, all I’d have was a father who saw me as a commodity to trade and sell and a husband who had not a shred of caring for me. I’d have no reason to not finish the job I started that night in my bathtub.
Sliding his hands down my face, he encircled my neck and gently tilted my chin up. “How long do you have tonight?”
I smiled up at him. “He’s gone to his brother’s tonight and my father is at his girlfriend’s, so he’ll be gone for at least a couple hours.”
“Good. I can take my time then.”
Ryder lifted my t-shirt over my head and buried his face in the space between my shoulder and my neck, peppering kisses along my collarbone as he unhooked my bra. My nipples hardened to excited peaks at his touch, and when he lowered his head to suck one into his mouth, my body practically melted.
Gently, he bit down on me, sending a jolt of desire to between my legs. I loved when he was like this. Unhurried. Playful. So incredibly sexy.
Burying my hands in his hair, I held him to me and moaned, “Harder…mmmm…”
He did as I asked and bit down harder on my nipple while his hand pinched the other one, doubling my excitement. Need pooled in my belly, making me wet and wishing he would move lower with that beautiful mouth of his.
As if he read my mind, he slid my nipple out between his lips and knelt in front of me to remove my shorts and panties. I stood before him naked and needy for his touch, but he simply sat back on his heels and stared up at me like I was something beautiful he had to adore before having me.