Just Julian

by Markus Harwood-Jones

  “What does that even mean?” Julian asked.

  Angie shot him a look. “You know, some of the men — and women — I had when I was in school, they were just like that boy. So I understand! They’re pretty and sweet. And you think they can give you the world! But they use you up and toss you out like an orange peel. You need someone who knows how to make marmalade!”

  “I don’t even know what you’re saying,” Julian laughed. “Besides, this one, he’s different. He said he loves me.”

  “You met him, what, three days ago?” Angie asked in a salty tone. “They always seem different. Until they all seem the same.” She reached up and stroked his hands. “I just worry for you.”

  “I know,” Julian replied. “Actually, I do need some love advice from you. You know Paris?”

  “Oh, Goddess!” his mother squealed, spinning around to look at him. “Joanna’s girl? Oh, Julian, Paris would be perfect for you!”

  “No, Mom!” Julian groaned. “I need your help with how to let her down gently!”

  Angie wasn’t listening. She was too caught up in going on about Paris, and Paris’s mom, and the big political battle against the school board. “Oh, you could go with her to the action on Saturday! Wouldn’t that be a cute date! Oh, Jules, why didn’t you tell me sooner? Do you think Joanna knows?”

  Julian felt himself grow hot. “Mom!” he yelled. “You’re not listening! It sounds like me dating Paris would be good for you — not me.”

  His mother looked stern for just a moment. Julian knew better than to raise his voice to her. But then she seemed to understand and gave him a shrug. “Will you at least try to come on Saturday? I’ve missed you. You know, when you were just a baby, you came with me to all the protests!”

  “You mean you brought me to all the protests,” Julian replied. He sat back down in front of the computer. “I’m not a baby anymore.”

  Angie kissed the top of his head, saying softly, “Don’t I know it. But you’ll always be my jewel.”

  After his mother went off to lie down, Julian was left staring at a blank document, trying to will his essay into existence. He had to get this credit to finish the damn program.

  “I thought Classical Art History would be interesting,” Julian mumbled to himself. “But this course is the worst.” Was all school meant to be like this? Was it ever going to get any easier?

  Julian leaned back and wondered about Romeo. What might become of them after graduation? Would Romeo decide to go to university? Or try to get a job? And, Julian wondered, what about me? School sucked. But maybe it was worth it to see what college could be like. Art school seemed pretty appealing . . .

  For the first time in a long time, Julian found he was thinking of his life beyond making it through one day at a time. Putting his head down, he dove into the essay. He wrote down whatever came to mind, resolving to complete it, finish the credit, and get the damn diploma.

  The essay was long, hard, and boring. By the time it was almost done, Julian’s head was pulsing as he tried to stay focused. He didn’t stop until Angie came in, bringing a mason jar of water and a plate of dinner. With a kiss on the forehead, she remarked, “Well, I’m back to it. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “You’re going back to work already?” Julian asked, looking up at her with distress. “But you just got home!”

  “That was hours ago,” she told him. She nudged the water in his direction. Julian reluctantly took a sip, only to realize how thirsty he was. He downed the rest in a few gulps. His mom gave him a gentle tap and a kiss on the cheek before ducking out the door.

  Julian tried to get back into it, but his focus was gone. Sadness began to creep up, and then quickly crashed over him. Julian fought against the emotional tide as it tried to sweep him away, but he was left feeling numb. It was all he could manage to pull himself upstairs and fall into bed. Once there, he could not guess how long he spent just staring blankly at the ceiling.

  Why am I like this? Julian wondered. Why can’t I just get it together? He sighed as images of his mother came back to him. He saw her walking away, heading back out to another long night after getting so little sleep. Where did she get the energy? How was it possible for her to do so much, when he could barely finish an essay or eat his dinner?

  “I’m always letting people down,” Julian murmured. He thought of Lyla and her unanswered messages. Of Paris and how he seemed destined to break her heart. Even of Sami. How long until he let them down too? And then there was Ty — sweet Ty. The very thought of him made Julian’s stomach roll with guilt.

  From the depths of his mind, he pulled up a glimpse of a thin, blurry figure, a flash of red hair, a few distant words. Puzzle pieces of his father, nothing more. “Probably for the best he’s not around,” mumbled Julian. “I’m sure I’d find a way to disappoint him, too.”

  Julian let out an ugly cry, shoving his face into the pillow. His body shook as the emotions came back in full force. It felt like he was falling, deeper and deeper. There was no way out, no way things could ever get any better. Finally, as he let go of all hope, a voice came to him.

  “We’re family, Jules,” Ty said in Julian’s mind.

  Then more voices, swirling together, slowing his fall.

  “I miss you,” Lyla echoed.

  “You’re pretty brave,” said Sami’s voice.

  “You’ll always be my jewel,” his mother added.

  “I love you,” whispered Romeo.

  Julian took a deep breath, and then another. It was painful to come back to his body. His stomach ached and his joints were stiff from sitting still too long. Dragging himself to the bathroom, Julian turned on the shower, and slowly washed it all away.

  The water rolled along his arms and down his fingers as he wrapped his arms around himself. Julian cried again but, this time, they were thankful tears. Ty didn’t hate him — he had even enjoyed the letters! They had reconnected, and Julian had made it happen! He’d even gotten Ty and Romeo in the same room, talking things out. Sami had been right — that was pretty badass. And if he could make it work with Ty, he knew he could do the same with Lyla. And, maybe, he could even start work on his own issues with himself . . .

  “Maybe . . . I don’t have to be like Mom,” Julian said to himself. “Maybe I can do things in my own way.”

  Towelling off, Julian was invigorated. He made his way downstairs and finished the dinner Angie had made for him. His eyes moved back to the computer. Writing the essay seemed easier now. One more read-through and he’d send it off.

  Finally, with all the drama and hard work over, Julian went back to his paints. He pulled out a canvas, starting out with bursts of red, for love and courage. Streaks of blue, blending into compassionate purple. Sparks of yellow, growing green as they mixed in. Throwing his brush back and forth, Julian laughed as splatter landed against his hands and even up his cheeks. He happily got messy all over again.

  14

  Surprise

  Romeo’s return was a welcome surprise. Running to the door, Julian jumped into Romeo’s arms, covering his cheeks in kisses. But when he pulled away, he could see Romeo wasn’t quite as excited. For a moment Julian’s stomach did a flip. Was this some sort of break-up house-call? Romeo began to tremble. Flushing red, he backed up to sit down on the porch steps. Julian sat beside him and offered a hand.

  “I wish you’d woken me up before you left this morning,” Julian began. “I wanted to at least say goodbye.” He looked up at the sky as night worked in along its edges. “I was scared that I might never see you again.”

  Romeo stayed silent, looking away.

  “So . . . how did it go?” Julian asked.

  Romeo shrugged. “Not so well, with my folks,” he admitted. “Or Ben really.” He looked down, tracing the scar along his left hand to the base of his golden class ring. “Marty was cool though. You won’t believe what he tol
d me, actually.” He let out a laugh, but it sounded hollow. Even while he tried to make light of the situation, Romeo’s expression was solemn. He started to stumble over his words. His hands were shaking as he burst out, “God, I’m so — I just —”

  Julian put his hand over Romeo’s, calming him down. The two were quiet together for a while.

  “You can cry if you need to,” Julian suggested.

  Romeo nodded, pulling Julian into an embrace. As they held each other, Julian could hear Romeo’s heart beating hard in his chest as he let out a few sobs. Eventually, Romeo stopped shaking and they shared a deep breath. Still holding hands, they pulled a little distance apart. “Maybe we could go for a walk?” Julian offered.

  They wandered the neighbourhood, following side streets and exploring empty lots, seeking out places where they could be left alone. The budding greens in the community garden were all asleep and, as the full moon rose above, a few stars winked from the otherwise empty sky. There was a chill in the air, one which brought the couple closer together. They paused to share quick kisses, taking in the quiet secrets of the neighbourhood at night.

  Romeo shared how heartbroken he was to have disappointed his family. How scary it was to tell his friends the truth.

  “I’ve just always felt like I was hiding,” Romeo said. He looked down at the white flowers budding up along the edges of an empty lot. “But I didn’t know why.” He sighed. “I just figured that everyone feels that way.”

  Julian nodded. “A lot of people do.” His eyes traced the plants growing through a crack in the concrete and twisting themselves around the remnants of an old chain-link fence. “It’s hard to accept the truth about ourselves. Let alone share it with the people you love.” He looked back to Romeo with a gentle smile. “I’m proud of you.”

  Romeo gave a shy grin and replied, “Enough about me. How are you? What did you get up to while I was . . . sharing my truth or whatever?”

  Julian shrugged. “I’m fine.” Romeo gave him a curious look, waiting for more. Julian smiled and admitted, “Honestly, I’m good. Really good.” He looked up and studied the full moon, thinking out loud, “Better than I’ve felt in a long time.” Romeo squeezed his hand. “I started a new painting,” Julian went on. “And I finished that essay, so I might get that course credit after all.”

  “That’s awesome!” Romeo exclaimed. Then he asked, in a more sheepish tone, “So . . . what does that mean?”

  “Well,” Julian grinned, “I’m one step closer to finishing high school.” Julian looked at the few stars that made their way through the city lights. “It makes me really think about my life — about my future.” He glanced at Romeo and saw him framed by the orange ambience of the night. Julian admitted, “I never really thought I’d have one before . . . before I met you.”

  Romeo blushed. They shared another kiss before they moved along, deeper into the night.

  A breeze brushed past the pair as they approached one of Julian’s old hang-outs — the small graveyard, not too far from his home. It was quiet and peaceful, with massive, old trees sheltering the simple gravestones.

  “Are you sure?” Romeo asked, looking around nervously.

  “People never come in at night,” Julian replied. “And,” he added with a smile, “you don’t need to worry. The ghosts here are harmless. Or, at least, more harmless than most humans.” That got a laugh out of Romeo.

  They made their way along a worn path, away from the streetlights and into the inviting darkness of the cemetery, lit mainly by the moon above. They were careful not to step on anyone’s resting place. A stone angel watched them as they walked by.

  Romeo was being oddly silent. Julian spoke up, guessing at his thoughts. “It’s gonna work out. With your folks I mean.”

  “Maybe,” Romeo replied.

  “Even if they don’t come around, I’m here.”

  “Thanks.” After a moment, he added, “I just wish they were more like your mom . . .”

  “I guess,” Julian said with a shrug. “It can be hard sometimes with her, too,” he said. “Sometimes, having a mom who’s so busy and so out and so proud, it can get a little lonely. It’s easy to feel like I’m just holding her back from all that she could be doing, like, if I could just take care of myself. Or if my dad was around to help. Or if I just . . . wasn’t around.” Julian nibbled at the edge of his thumbnail.

  Romeo held him close. “I don’t want you going anywhere.”

  Julian felt his cheeks go warm. “Thanks.” He bit at his nail one more time before adding, “I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” Romeo replied, his voice a hot whisper. “Honestly, all I want is to be with you.”

  Romeo pulled away from their embrace. In the moonlight, he took Julian’s left hand, tenderly kissing the ring finger. Then, getting down on one knee, Romeo pulled off his class ring and offered it to Julian.

  Julian’s eyes went wide. “I know, not now . . .” Romeo was saying, even as he still held up the ring. “But, one day.” Romeo looked up and asked, “Julian Capulet, would you marry me?”

  “Oh, Romeo!” Julian exclaimed.

  But before he could say another word, a voice called out to them from the darkness.

  15

  Pulled Back

  Three figures were coming toward the couple. They passed from the streetlights and into the shadows of the graveyard.

  “Come on, Romeo, we’d better go,” whispered Julian. He pulled at Romeo’s sleeve and backed away.

  The group’s heavy footsteps fell hard against the budding grass, making a squishing noise as they passed over patches of muddy earth. Julian’s stomach tensed up and his heart began to race.

  “Ben?” Romeo asked. “What are you doing here?”

  “You’re not so hard to find,” the leading stranger grunted. The group was getting close now. Julian could smell the faint but pungent scent of alcohol in the air. Julian could see the one in front, and he immediately recognized his jacket. It was the same kind as Romeo’s, embroidered with the fiery basketball and their team name.

  Romeo took a step back. Julian began to plan how they could best get past these guys and back to the graveyard entrance. Or maybe they could jump the back fence? His mind ran at double speed, weighing the options, trying to plan a way out of this.

  The group called out at Romeo, using names and taunts. Julian looked up in horror as Romeo stopped moving, instead turning to face the group head-on. Was Romeo seriously thinking about fighting these guys? There was no way that was going to work.

  Julian’s fear spiked when he saw one of the guys was carrying a baseball bat. Vivid memories of his high-school days ran through his mind, and Julian began to tremble. This was it. It was going to be all over. So many times, he’d been so close to taking his own life. Now he’d finally found his will to live and it was going to be stolen from him!

  “Come on, guys,” Romeo said, trying to reason with them. But the two larger men kept getting closer. The third, who seemed to be their leader, just turned away. “Come on! It’s me! How can you —” But before Romeo could finish the thought, Julian saw one of the men gearing up for a hit. That was it. Julian gave Romeo’s arm a fierce tug, yanking him away. The couple began to race toward the street. As the men shouted out after them, Julian just hoped Romeo wouldn’t be baited again.

  Julian’s breath was fast and hard, feeling like razors and running his throat raw. With every step, he flitted in and out of real life. He felt himself pulled back into the memories that haunted him.

  The pavement is hot and hard against Julian’s hands. He hears the skid of car tires. Angry voices call out after him. They’re getting ever closer. Julian pushes himself up off the pavement and keeps running. His heartbeat is pounding in his ears.

  Julian pumped his legs, trying to stay focused. He and Romeo had to get out of this. He wasn’t going to give up no
w.

  There’s whispers of gossip all around. Fleeting words hover around like infectious mosquitoes. They spread rumours about him, his absent father, his dyke mother, his hopeless life. Julian hides in a bathroom stall, trying to keep his crying silent.

  Romeo was fast, getting a few steps ahead. Julian’s chest ached but he kept moving. He had to survive. He had a reason to live. He had people who loved him. He had more still to do. He wasn’t going to give in to the fear.

  His mother’s face is full of pity as she brings him dinner in bed. Julian has no appetite. He sees the long days and nights passing in a blur. He floats in the numbness of isolation. He stares at a half-finished letter to Ty, filled with promises he knows he can’t keep. Somewhere, his phone is ringing, but he is not going to answer.

  Romeo reached back for him and Julian tried to grasp his hand. If only he could just reach him, Julian knew they would be safe. They would get out of this. He would wake up tomorrow and this would have been little more than a bad dream. But, before they could reach one another, Julian felt a yank from behind. Then there was a hard push against his back, and a dizzying pain as he fell to the ground. And then he knew nothing for a while.

  ***

  When Julian regained his senses, he heard the sounds of a struggle. There was a thud and Julian caught a glimpse of Romeo colliding with one of the men as he tackled him to the ground. He rolled over to see Romeo thrown back, hitting one of the gravestones. The two men fell onto him with punches and kicks. That was when Julian spied the bat, sitting nearby in the grass.

  Grabbing the weapon, Julian ran at the attackers. He didn’t allow himself a second to reconsider. He was not going to run away from this, not when Romeo needed him. A fire was building up inside him, starting in his stomach and rolling out through his entire body. Bounding forward, Julian remembered all the bigots at school, all the hate he’d endured, every dirty look and cruel word. He swung at the men attacking Romeo with every bit of his pent-up rage.