Silent Song

by Jaci Wheeler

  “To Marcela.” Randy raises his coffee mug and clinks mine. He is so different from his nephew. He is so light and fun, where Barrett seems to have the entire world resting on his shoulders.

  After we finish eating, Randy sits quietly for a moment, eyeing me. I smile and set my fork down.

  “You want to know why I’m still here.” It’s not a question, but he nods, looking sheepish.

  “I know it’s none of my business, Barrett is an adult now, but I worry.”

  “Of course it’s your business. For starters, it’s your house, and you care about him. I wasn’t planning to stay, but he needed me and I couldn’t say no.”

  “He asked you to?” Randy looks thoroughly shocked now.

  “That surprises you?”

  “Yes. He hasn’t wanted me anywhere near since…” He trails off, looking disheartened.

  “Sometimes it’s easier to open up to strangers. You aren’t worried about their feelings or saying the wrong thing. There is something freeing about no strings attached. It’s not you, Randy. I have a beacon that calls to hurting people.”

  “You are a special young lady, I’ll say that. I’m just worried that…well, I’m just going to be frank because I don’t know how else to say this, so please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m worried this might be too soon?”

  “This?”

  “You.”

  “I’m not sure I follow.”

  “You make him forget his pain in the moment, but until he faces it head on, he’s just running from it. I’m afraid of what happens if Barrett uses you as a band-aid and then once the pain starts hurting again, if he’s going to blame you for not having the same effect that you used to. He needs to deal with his brother’s death before he starts anything romantic, Presley. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.”

  I take a moment to digest everything he just said. Part of me is hurt by it. I’m not just a band-aid or someone to use to feel good in the moment, but what if that’s exactly what I’m becoming? There isn’t anything romantic going on between us, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t open to something happening. After the connection we shared last night, I was sure there was something there, but Randy is right. Now is the worst possible time to start something. I have no clue what to say, so I stay quiet and continue to sip my coffee.

  “I’ve offended you. I’m sorry, sweetheart. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

  “I’m not offended, I’m just not sure what to say. I think you have the wrong impression of Barrett and I, but I’d be lying if I said I’d be opposed to anything happening…although I know this is the worst possible time to start something as well. But you are wrong about one thing. I’m not a band-aid that’s covering up his pain and making him feel good. I’m cleaning out all the bad, I’m opening up his wounds. I’m letting him be angry, and giving him a safe place to take out those feelings. He needs someone he can do that with who he isn’t connected to.”

  “And you don’t think that’s going to get messy?”

  “Sure, it will. The best things usually do. Obviously, this is the very worst time to start anything, and just so you know, we haven’t. Our relationship is purely platonic. But if something were to start, I can’t say I would be the one to stop it.” I wait a beat then look up into his eyes. “Will you?” I ask him boldly, and he smiles wide and places his hand on mine.

  “I like you, Presley. You are refreshing. I would be very happy if my nephew were lucky enough to be with you, I just want to make sure you’re both thinking this through.”

  “Right now, he isn’t in a place to think anything through. I will give you my word that I won’t rush anything or push him for more than he can give. Right now, I just want to be his safe place…and maybe feed you both,” I add with a smile.

  “Hey, you won’t get any complaints from me. Between you and I only, I could really use your help, so I won’t send you away. Just the fact that you got him to eat and open up to you last night says more than words can. I also would like you to help me with my signing, if you wouldn’t mind.”

  “Me? Just ask Barrett—I’m not very good.” I laugh. “I’m using it more with my fieldwork and I’m taking a course, but I’m nowhere to the level that he is. However, anything I can help you with, I’m happy to.”

  “Sounds like a deal, girl. Crap, I need to get my butt down to the shop. I’m drowning over there.”

  “I have the next three days free without classes. I’d be happy to pick up some things from the store and do some errands for you if you need. Is that weird?”

  “Truthfully? Yes. It’s extremely weird that a girl we only met a few times is stepping up in such a big way, but to be honest, I’m not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. I’m drowning here with all this and I’m willing to take any help I can get. You seem like good people, and I’ve known Brian and his family a long time, and they vouch for you. As long as B wants you around, I’m happy to have you and grateful for the help.”

  “Perfect. Any grocery requests?” Randy laughs at that.

  “Girl, I will literally eat anything, and as long as you are doing the work, you can get whatever your heart desires. But only if you take some money.” He reaches in his back pocket and I start to protest when he shoots me one of his nephew’s famous looks.

  “Doing my shopping and taking care of us on your dime would be downright creepy, Presley. Take the cash and don’t make this awkward, okay?” I chuckle, finding myself really liking this guy.

  “Okay.”

  CHAPTER 16

  Barrett

  I wake up to the smell of…eggs? Why is Randy still home, and since when does he make breakfast? I look over and see a plate covered in in foil sitting on my nightstand. I unwrap it and find an omelet. Not Randy, Presley. She even cut it up in small pieces because she probably realized how hard it is for me to even feed myself.

  Presley. What the hell am I supposed to think about her? She was supposed to just be some odd girl who randomly showed up in my life and then out of it just as quickly. Yet, here she is playing nursemaid to me at my lowest. What’s wrong with her? She should have high tailed it as far away from me as she could last night, not stick around to make me breakfast.

  As much as it pains me to think about Codi, I think back to the last conversation we ever had. He liked her. She reminded him of my mom. He said they had the same soul, that’s what it was. I thought he was full of crap, but that kid was never wrong. Was. I can’t believe I’m already referring to him in past tense. My mom was the sweetest woman I’ve ever known. She died way too soon, which tends to be what happens to all the best people. She never turned away anyone in need. We lived in a god forsaken trailer that should have been condemned because it’s all we could afford, yet she was always feeding or clothing someone new.

  I disrespected Presley last night. I feel ashamed and angry just thinking about how I threw the food she made me. But she didn’t get angry, or cry, she just made me something else, shamed and humbled me by hand feeding it to me, just like my mom would have. It was my mom’s voice in my head that I heard telling me I should be ashamed of myself. What was I doing having her stay all night with me? I’ve never had to ask a girl to my bed, and I sure as hell have never had one make me breakfast the morning after. What am I going to do now, is the question? How am I going to explain to her that nothing will happen?

  I decide I better get dressed and haul myself down to the shop. It’s about time I start pulling my weight. Presley was right about one thing, I’m hurting Randy. He’s the last person who needs anymore pain. He’s been the only constant in my life and I’m not going to repay him like this. I eat the breakfast she made and I’m surprised with how fast my appetite comes back. I fumble through giving myself a freaking bath since I can’t shower with my cast on just yet. It’s a pain to wrap it in bags and then I have to remove my finger braces on my left arm. I scream a few times when I accidentally hit the fingers on something, but I’m finally bathed
and dressed and out the door for the first time in weeks.

  I pull up to the shop and stop dead in my tracks when I see Presley in the front office with Chris. She’s sitting at the desk laughing at something he’s saying to her. He’s leaning so far over her chair he might as well be sitting in her lap. My gut burns and I curse myself for the feelings I refuse to name that are overtaking me. What is wrong with me? Chris is a great guy, one of my closest friends at the shop, in fact, and yet I’m what? Jealous of him? No way. She’s nothing to me, so why should I care if they’re flirting?

  But I do care. Even if I don’t want to admit it to myself, last night meant something. We connected on a level I didn’t even think was possible and now she’s hanging out at my uncle’s shop like it never happened? What the hell? I’m furious and I don’t hide my anger as I throw open the front door, causing Presley to jump and Chris to straighten up. He smiles when he sees it’s me, but it quickly slips off his face when he senses my mood. Presley, however, never loses that spark of hers. She smiles at me cheerfully.

  “Good morning. Happy see awake and out.”

  “Why here you?” That catches her off guard, but instead of getting offended, she squares her shoulders and gives me a look of challenge.

  “Helping your uncle. R A N D Y need help. O V E R W H E L M E D.” I feel the guilt hit me right in the gut. Of course he’s overwhelmed, I left him understaffed and overloaded, but that doesn’t explain why she’s here.

  “Why here you?” I sign awkwardly with only two fingers.

  “Why here me? Because I here. Help need R. Here me. Help me. Why mad you?”

  That’s a very good question and the answer is standing back taking us both in. I turn my gaze on him now.

  “Why not work?” I ask, pointing to the shop. Chris doesn’t really sign much, but we’ve been working together long enough that he can understand me for the most part, and we have worked out our own type of home sign for things which mostly boils down to charades.

  “Randy called Gene in. I’ve been pulling extra hours to help get some of the paperwork done and supplies ordered. Presley has been helping me out,” he says with a challenge on his face. I doubt Presley noticed it but I sure do. I turn to her, putting my back to Chris and type on my phone painfully slowly. I show it to her when I’m done.

  Barrett: Tell uncle here please?

  “Sure,” she signs, but looks from Chris to myself like she can’t figure out what she’s missing. As soon as she leaves the room, I turn back to Chris.

  Barrett: What’s up you two? He looks to where she just left, then down at the phone and back at me.

  Chris: Am I missing something? Are you two together? I didn’t mean to step on your toes, man. She’s cool but nothing happened with us. He quickly types it out and then hands it to me. He puts his hands up in the air to bring his point home and I try not to let the relief I feel play out on my face.

  I shake my head at his question then feel exhausted all of a sudden and take a seat. I toss my hands in the air like I don’t freaking know what’s going on and he laughs.

  Chris: The good ones always throw you, man. Look, dude, would I ask her out? In a heartbeat.This earns him a glare from me and he laughs.But if you don’t want me to, bro, I won’t. Got me?

  He puts his fist up and I bump it lightly, giving him a small smile. At least I won’t have to worry about that right now too.

  Randy and Presley walk back in and Randy smiles wide.

  “Look what the cat drug in. How are you feeling, son?” I shrug in response and he embraces me, holding me tighter than usual. “Glad to have you back. Presley here has been a LIFE S A V E R.” I turn to the girl in question.

  “Why not school you?”

  “No school today me. Saturday and Sunday off.” I hate to admit that I had no clue what day it even was. “Want me leave?” she asks without attitude or expectation. How often does that happen? Do I want her to leave? That’s a deep resounding no. But that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t. She senses my hesitation.

  “I go now Jodi house. Stay close me. Text me if need me.” Before I can say anything, she picks up her purse and waves good-bye to everyone and is then out the door. I stand there staring after her, wondering what just happened.

  “What did you say to her to make her leave?” Randy asks disapprovingly. I just shrug again but don’t say anything. “She’s been here for you, Barrett, when nobody else has.”

  “You have.” I point out.

  “You know what I mean. She’s a very sweet girl and I’d hate to see her get hurt.”

  “You think I hurt her?” I voice out of surprise.

  “I know you wouldn’t hurt anyone on purpose…but she’s different.” So everyone keeps pointing out. Maybe I shouldn’t have bothered getting out of bed today after all.

  CHAPTER 17

  Presley

  I berate myself for my stupidity the entire way to Jodi’s house. I think about sticking around in case he needs me, and then realize how ridiculous I sound. He’s made it known that I’m not wanted or needed. God, I must look so pathetic and desperate to everyone. I tell Jodi I’m ready to go back to school and see if she wants to ride back with me. She decides to spend the weekend with her family, which I totally understand, so I haul my pathetic butt back to campus alone. I keep myself busy all day so I don’t think about anything else. I do my laundry, study a bit, and then decide to call it an early night. I get into my cozy pajamas and just crawl into bed when my phone lights up.

  Barrett: Sorry rude today.

  Presley: No worries, I know you have a lot to deal with right now. I wasn’t trying to intrude but I’m sorry if I did.

  Barrett: U didn’t. I don’t know how feel about anything and not like Chris flirt with u.

  That admission catches me by surprise and I read and re-read his text again.

  Presley: Why not? He was just being friendly.

  It takes him much longer than usual to respond since he is only working with one finger.

  Barrett: Not just friendly. He tell me he like u and I take out on u. Sorry.

  Well, what the heck am I supposed to say to that? I think back to the conversation Randy and I had this morning. I know now wouldn’t be a good time to start anything, so I don’t pry further even though I’d like to.

  Presley: How are you doing tonight?

  Barrett: Nights hard 4 me. 2 much time 2 think. Not enough distraction.

  I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t stop myself from typing.

  Presley: Do you need a distraction?

  Barrett: U offering?

  Presley: Well, I did just get my comfy PJ’s and into my warm bed ;)

  Barrett: My bed not cold

  Presley: And...

  Barrett: Randy buy ice cream

  I can’t stop my smile because I’m the one that bought the ice cream, and I just so happened to get my favorite flavors.

  Presley: Be right over.

  Barrett: Better hurry. Hope I don’t eat all.

  Presley: Don’t you dare. On my way…and I’m not changing.

  Barrett: Good. CU soon. Drive safe.

  Well, that was sweet. I make sure I do as I make my way over there, wondering the whole time what I’m getting myself into.

  I don’t bother knocking once I get there, knowing Barrett can’t hear me, and not wanting to wake Randy if he’s asleep, so I try the door and find it unlocked. I let myself in and make my way quietly to Barrett’s room. I open his door and see him sitting up in bed eating right out of the container. He smiles up at me mid-bite.

  “Can’t find bowl?” I ask, pointing to the container. He puts up both hands and gives me a what-do-you-think look.

  “Hmm, yeah, I guess scooping would be hard.” I sit down next to him on the bed.

  “Spoon?” I ask, looking around for another. He licks his clean and passes it to me. I fight my inner OCD by taking it from him and taking a bite. Although I’m pretty sure he doesn’t miss the fact that I don’t
actually touch the spoon to my mouth and only eat the top of the ice cream on the spoon. He laughs and shakes his head at me, then grabs the spoon, making sure he licks the entire thing, and then passes it back. I cringe and he laughs again and picks up his phone.

  Barrett: If sharing spoon grosses you out how you kiss guys?

  I must turn a million shades of red, and when I don’t say anything, his eyes go round and he starts frantically typing again…one fingered, which looks pretty funny, I must say.

  Barrett: You never kiss? Don’t believe that.

  I’m seriously cursing my coloring right now because I can feel my ears heating up. I take the phone from his hand and type back, mostly just so I don’t have to look at him.

  Presley: Yes, I’ve kissed guys before…but I might have been thinking about the germs at the time.

  He finds this hilarious as he takes the phone back.

  Barrett: Then you kiss wrong guys.

  Looking back at him, I couldn’t agree more. I look around the room, trying to change the topic. It’s a pretty bare room, with only a small desk and one dresser.

  “Room bare.” Barrett just nods sadly. “Talk to Dad you?” He shakes his head no but doesn’t respond. “Want me check Dad for you?” He blows out a sigh and shakes his head, then he stares at me for a moment, making me highly uncomfortable.

  “What?”

  He looks down at his hands with frustration. I know he wants to sign and I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be not able to be heard or express…anything. I pass him his phone, but he just looks at it and shakes his head. He signs with one finger what I take to mean texting takes too long.

  “Voice,” I both sign and say. The look that crosses his face is pure pain and humiliation. “Judge you won’t. Promise.”