Promises Made- Promises Kept

by Jaclyn Rosamond

Not ready for that, I focused on my week of successes. Small steps, I know, but I’d lost two pounds, just by cutting out the ice cream.

  I don’t want to go to a gym, but gardening is good exercise. And I gardened twice on fine evenings, digging, pruning, planting and climbing into a soothing bath afterwards, basking in successful fruit and vegetable gardening. It kept our food bills down.

  I’d exercised my brain instead of boring myself with mindless TV.

  When fickle weather forced me indoors. I trawled online for weekend getaways and touristy adventures for next year’s Alaskan holiday, I’d bookmarked everything interesting and sent the links to Eddie’s email. Seeing glaciers, whales, bears, moose, maybe even wolves, day long boat trips to see more glaciers, followed by a week-long cruise from Alaska to Vancouver through the Inside Passage, then a few days in Vancouver before flying home. I’d put together an itinerary for Eddie to look at, he just hadn’t been around to see it.

  When he finally returned from the gym at nearly two o-clock again I’d decided to be upbeat for the sake of our marriage. I hated feeling bitchy and scratchy.

  Still in his gym gear, I asked him to turn around for me to check him out.

  ‘Eddie, you look great.’

  ‘I know. I feel great, like an energy ball’s bouncing around inside all the time.’ He grinned from ear to ear.

  Jealousy gnawed away inside me, but I refused to listen to it. ‘You’ve trimmed a bit of your waist and your bum’s firmed up already. That’s in two weeks. Fantastic.’

  He flexed his biceps. ‘Feel this.’ He grabbed my hand, his muscles were rock solid. ‘Why don’t you get fit, too, Rose?’

  ‘I might,’ I prevaricated. Maybe I should. ‘I’ll think about it, but I don’t want to rush into something I’d end up not using.’

  I knew my limitations. If I joined the gym on a contract and ended up not going, I’d resent every unnecessary penny leaving my bank account.

  ‘Don’t leave it too long. If you join another gym we could compare bodies as we get fitter.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s up to you. Only you can make the change.’

  ‘If you’re so keen, why don’t you want me to join your gym?’

  He flinched, face unreadable. His recoil spoke volumes.

  ‘I’ve made new friends there, Rose. My wife joining me would change the dynamics.’

  ‘Why? Are you ashamed of me?’ Shocked, my hands shook. I crossed my arms to hide them.

  ‘No.’ He rolled his eyes. ‘Don’t be paranoid. You wouldn’t want me coming with you on a night out with the girls, would you? Well, I don’t need you at the gym when I work out and afterwards when I have dinner with other workout enthusiasts.’

  His unspoken words lay between us: ‘Don’t bother! You’re an overweight mess. I’m ashamed of you. I like my new friends better than you.’

  On shaky legs I picked up my car keys and went for a drive. Alone. Eddie took my place at the computer as I left.

  When I arrived home, in time for dinner, he’d left a note announcing Tony had invited him to dinner.

  I slept in the spare room that night. He didn’t come to find me.

  Chapter Six

  Marriages aren’t fairytale perfection. Ours was no exception. We’d had fights before the wedding, but making up had always been energetic. And passionate. Neither of us would have guessed exercise could steal him from our relationship. Where was my best friend and lover?

  We were still talking, on the rare occasions we were in the same building. Eddie remained amicable enough if I didn’t make any demands on him. I couldn’t help but compare the man he’d become with the man I’d been engaged to for six months. The change was alarming. Steadily, day by day, week by week, as he withdrew from our supposedly connubial bliss, I was retreating into a shell. Both of us refused to acknowledge the ominous cracks in our marriage.

  Was he even thinking about our marriage?

  I told myself we were just finding our footing. It was still early days. I desperately didn’t want to fail at something as critical as marriage. So, while Eddie played the part of my husband, he actually lived the life of a single man.

  With benefits.

  On rare occasions.

  I barely saw him. The majority of our housework fell to me. Each night I cooked a meal for one. Each week I saved to pay for our Alaskan holiday. Over time I lost my sense of identity.

  Bianca seemed to have drifted into the background where she belonged, even though she was still there on our gang nights at the pub. Shona said she had a new boyfriend but was treading on eggshells, scared of chasing him away. We toasted each other with a glass of wine behind her back, relieved she wasn’t hunting in our small jungle any more. Otherwise nothing eventful happened.

  My only highlight during the bumpy early months with Eddie turned out to be the time spent with Shona on occasional liberating day trips into London. We shopped, gossiped, giggled and lunched.

  One Saturday we were lunching in a brightly painted Mexican cafe we’d stumbled into just off Piccadilly Circus. I was in the midst of a vivid description of a difficult birth, when Shona suddenly lifted her hand to silence me.

  ‘Oh God, sorry hon, too much information?’

  ‘Rose.’

  Startled, I blinked. ‘What?’

  She put her hand on my arm, fixing me with a penetrating stare. ‘What’s happening with you and Eddie?’

  I looked away, shifting uncomfortably in my seat. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘C’mon, Rose. We know each other better than this. You barely talk about him and when you do there’s an edge in your voice and your shoulders tense up. What’s happening?’

  She was right – my shoulders were practically wrapped around my ears. I sagged and shook my head. ‘I don’t know.’ I shrugged. ‘I just don’t know.’

  Tears welled. ‘He’s not the man I thought I was marrying. It’s like living with a stranger. The more time he spends at the gym with his new friends, the more I feel like I’m an addendum to his life. I thought we’d do everything together once we were married.’ A dry laugh caught my throat. ‘But the truth is just the opposite. We don’t even do the grocery shopping together. I know it’s his pet hate, but I hate food shopping, too, especially now he’s given me a list of foods he wants to eat. He should bloody well do his own shopping.’ I wiped away traitorous tears. ‘He’s never there. He talks about the deep and meaningful friendships he’s making at the gym, but doesn’t want his embarrassing wife to meet his new friends. He’s getting fitter and trimmer and I’m doing just the opposite. I mean, just look at my plate.’

  We both looked at my plate of nachos, melted cheese, guacamole and salsa, with a token serve of chopped lettuce on the side. Shona looked up, bewildered.

  ‘Eddie wouldn’t eat this in a pink fit now. He’d be disgusted with all the fat, the carbs and the calories. I even feel a bit guilty eating this in front of you.’

  ‘Oh my God, Rose!’ Her eyes lit up with indignation. ‘Don’t you ever feel like that with me. Look, I’m eating the same yummy food as you. Eddie’s not doing his taste buds any favors by abolishing some of the world’s most delicious foods and becoming a sanctimonious prick about it.’

  ‘Yeah, but Shona, you’re not stacking on the weight eating this stuff. I am.’

  Shona frowned. ‘Agreed. Though my diet will catch up with me some day and I’ll have to change a few things. But not in this lifetime am I going to give up delicious food.’ She waved a hand over her loaded plate for emphasis.

  I smiled. ‘Good for you. But, if I’m honest, I’m just stuffing my face because I’m so bloody lonely. I barely ever see anyone these days. In fact, I had more fun sharing my house with Brigid before Eddie moved in. At least I could talk about my work every day. She understands all that stuff. We laughed about medical stuff most other people find gross. Eddie won’t listen to anything about my work, he covers his ears.’

  ‘Well, that’s childish.’ Her eyes were bleak. ‘I’m so sorry
, love. I had no idea you were feeling like this. God, it just goes to show we don’t see each other enough, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Don’t feel bad, Shona. You’re planning a wedding and you haven’t even met Martin’s family yet. You’re busy.’

  ‘I’m not too busy for my best friend, you know that.’ She leaned in close. ‘How’s your sex life?’

  I looked down at my clenched hands. ‘Mm. Good question.’

  ‘And the answer is...?’

  ‘Not that great, actually.’ I hung my head, cheeks flaming.

  ‘God. Why? It’s one of your strong points as a couple. You’ve always been right into it.’

  ‘Used to be.’ I ghosted a smile. ‘But he’s always late back from the gym and if he’s in the mood, he takes one look at fat, unlovely me and he’s guaranteed to be turned off.’

  ‘I can’t believe this!’ She flung her arms wide, narrowly missing her glass of wine. ‘If he loves you, he won’t care that you’ve put on a few pounds. But, more importantly, why isn’t he at home with you every night? It can’t take hours every night to workout at the gym.’

  With a huge sigh, I sat back. ‘I suppose he’s never gone into great detail about what he does at the gym. He talks about spinning, elliptical something or others and some of the weight machines. But it’s kind of like a foreign language. I don’t know how long he works out for, but after his workout he eats dinner with friends at the gym and they get talking, which is why he’s never home early. I worry about other women at the gym, but he talks about the guys and how his body’s improving compared to theirs. He has buff body envy about a couple of the guys he talks about, but he doesn’t mention anyone else, especially women.’

  ‘Have you ever asked him?’

  ‘Of course. My antennae were up. I’ve asked carefully worded questions about gym bunnies – but of course I didn’t call them that – and there wasn’t even a flicker of avoidance or guilty conscience. I don't think it’s an issue, but our sex life is a problem. Or maybe it isn't for him.’ I scratched my head. ‘Maybe he just doesn’t feel the need as much as he used to.’

  Shona’s skeptical look goaded me.

  ‘Look, if you’re wondering if he’s off with someone else having an affair, I think you’re wrong. He doesn’t have the time. He works, goes to the gym, plays some form of racquetball with Andy, Tony or Martin, spends Friday nights at the pub and that’s about it.’ I shrugged. ‘When would he have the time to sneak behind my back?’

  ‘Yeah, I suppose.’ Her face remained unconvinced.

  ‘And,’ I continued, ‘I know he’s not spending money on little luxuries for someone else, because if he had a secret lover stashed away, he’d be spending money on “love tokens”, the way Bianca likes it. Or spending on hotel rooms.’ I shook my head. ‘No, I manage the money and there’s nothing extra going out, not even the money on meals at the gym. I’d notice it straightaway.’

  ‘Hm.’ Shona frowned. ‘But if nothing’s going on, then you need to talk to him and find out why he’s never around to be your husband.’ She reached across the table to touch my hand. ‘Rose, if Martin did this to me so soon after we’d got married, I’d be demanding an explanation. And if he didn’t have a good reason, then I’d be showing him the door.’

  Silence stretched for a few moments as I considered her words.

  ‘You know what? You’re right, I should ask him why the hell he doesn’t want to be with me.’ I banged the table for emphasis, rattling the cutlery, causing curious diners to stare our way. ‘I will. I’d be crazy not to, wouldn’t I?’

  ‘You have to find out where you stand. For better or worse.’

  ✽ ✽ ✽

  I didn’t have the opportunity to follow through for several days.

  Not until the night I arrived home exhausted after a ten-hour shift, to find Eddie busy at the computer, the kitchen in a mess, and no sign of dinner.

  I stalked into the study, seeing Eddie rapidly closing programs, too annoyed with him to wonder if he was hiding something from me.

  ‘Hello, love.’ He pulled me in for a kiss.

  I stiffened, then relaxed, craving affection.

  ‘Eddie, we need to talk,’ I said, extricating myself from his arms.

  His face closed up; eyes narrowed. ‘What’s up?’

  I sat on another chair and drew a deep breath.

  ‘The last home cooked meal I had was over a week ago, when I cooked a beef casserole. Since then it’s been beans on toast for me in the evenings. We agreed, when I’m on a late shift, you’d do the cooking.’

  ‘Now, don’t get started. I’ve been out at the gym every night and playing tennis afterwards with the guys. I’ve been busy.’

  There was no apology in his statement.

  Eyes flashing, I retorted, ‘We agreed on simple rules for our relationship. Rules that were fair to us both. There’s nothing fair in this for me.’

  ‘The rules might need to be changed, Rose.’ His mouth tightened into a thin line.

  ‘Well, they appear to have changed without consulting me. I’ve been doing the laundry, cleaning the house, weekly shopping and cooking meals. We agreed to share all that.’ My voice was shrill.

  He jerked his head, pushing his chair away. ‘I did some ironing the other day.’

  ‘Big deal! It was your ironing and you’d have had no shirts for work if you hadn’t done them.’ Tears spilled over. I dashed them away.

  ‘Oh.’ He paused. ‘I didn’t realize.’ He hung his head, but I didn’t miss the slight curve of his lips.

  ‘How could you not realize you hadn’t ironed my clothes? Would you have ironed my stuff if I’d left any in the basket?’ A knot of anger twisted in my gut. ‘Wait, don’t answer that. It’s not relevant.’ I took a deep breath, pushing away my fury. ‘This sucks. We’ve only been married a short time and I’m already unhappy. This had better not be what I can expect for the rest of our marriage.’

  He looked sneaky for a fleeting moment, the expression gone before I could identify it. Relief?

  ‘God, Rose. I had no idea. Why didn’t you say something?’

  ‘You haven’t been here to talk to, that’s why. I get home from work and you’re never here. It doesn’t matter which shift I’m on, you’re not here. You go straight to the gym after work, then you’re off with your mates for yet another sport, or you’ve had a pizza and gone to bed, leaving me with your poxy leftovers.’

  I folded my arms, lips clamped tight.

  Eddie licked his lips, his gaze darting between me and the floor. A myriad of fleeting emotions chased across his face. He was teetering on the edge of pacifying or going on the offensive.

  His better self won.

  ‘I’m sorry, love, I didn’t realize you were unhappy.’

  Just as he had, I’d hovered on the verge of lashing out. I drew a deep breath, ready to let rip. Eddie took the wind was out of my sails and I released my breath in a whoosh. Our marriage was more important than hasty anger.

  ‘I’m sorry, too. We’re not giving our marriage much of a chance when we barely see each other, are we?’

  He scooted the office chair over to me and, leaning forward, picked up my hand.

  ‘I’m sorry, love. I didn’t know I’d been that thoughtless.’

  I bit my tongue to stop the snarky words. Instead, I laid his hand against my cheek, eyes still damp. ‘Let’s talk about how to improve things.’

  We talked long into the night, during which we ate corn and peas on toast. Hardly a feast, but at least we ate a meal together. Afterwards, with a bottle of beer apiece, we took our discussion through to the living room.

  I asked Eddie why he’d joined the gym.

  A flush crept across his cheeks.

  ‘Don’t laugh. Promise?’

  Mystified, I nodded, preparing to bite my lip to ward off laughter.

  ‘Because of the way you looked at Cal.’

  ‘Huh? Cal who?’ My eyes widened. ‘You mean Cal in Hawaii?’
<
br />   He nodded.

  My mind scrabbled about, looking to make sense of his admission.

  Baffled, I said, ‘What did I do?’

  ‘You know, the way you looked at him.’ Eddie stared at me, eyebrows drawn together, eyes searching my face.

  I shook my head.

  ‘Don’t you remember? He was built like a brick shithouse, all manly muscle and good looks. You couldn’t take your eyes off him.’

  ‘Oh, Eddie, you didn’t think I fancied him, did you? You were the first to admit how gorgeous he was, and I agreed with you, but I never gave him a second thought. Geez, how could you think I’d be interested in someone else when we were on our honeymoon?’

  A flush crept across his cheeks. ‘Sorry, Rose. I thought you fancied him and I was jealous.’

  ‘Darling, I’m sorry you felt that way. He was a lonely stranger we met briefly. I remember liking him a lot, but I felt sorry for him. I thought he was running away from something bad in his past. There was nothing more than that.’

  ‘You spent a lot of time talking to him.’ He tried to sound casual, but his face burned with embarrassment.

  How weird. Jealous of Cal. Why hadn’t he said something at the time?

  Even on our honeymoon he hadn’t been completely open with me.

  ‘Yes, I talked to him, but it was hardly more than a casual conversation while you were learning to surf.’

  He drew a deep breath. ‘Okay. Sorry Rose. I was stupid to be jealous.’

  His apology sounded stilted, but at least we were making headway.

  ‘Anyway, you didn’t answer my question.’

  He looked confused.

  ‘About the gym.’

  ‘Yeah, about that. Well, I wanted to get my body into shape, like Cal, but since we don’t live next to the sea or have great, hot summers like Hawaii, the only way I could do it was to join a gym. And I’ve done it. I get a buzz working out, you know, that endorphin rush is way better than drugs. It’s great. I haven’t felt this fit and strong since I was doing all sorts of sports at school.’

  He must have seen my dismay.

  ‘I won’t stop going, Rose.’