The Wooden Chair

by Rayne E. Golay

  “Wouldn’t you consider coming to Geneva instead? We have plenty of room.”

  Papi’s sigh on the other end of the line was heavy. “This is one of the rare times I have to turn you down, Leini. Just think for a minute—Mira is your mother. Isn’t it time to repair the rift between you?”

  On her lap Yigal squirmed, giving a little squeal, about to start screaming for his meal.

  “One day I have to settle things with Mira. You’re right, this rift can’t go on indefinitely. I don’t know if I’m ready for a reconciliation, though.” I’ve come a long way thanks to therapy with Dr. Morgenthaler, but am I strong enough to spend time together with Mira?

  “When will you be ready, do you think?”

  Good question. “I don’t know.”

  “Think about vacationing here.”

  Yigal screamed, loud and demanding.

  “Sorry, Papi, I have to go. Yigal’s getting hungry.”

  “Yigal sounds angry. How is he?”

  She chuckled. “At barely two months he has a diamond-hard will, but fed and clean he’s wonderful. His eyes are still as green as when he was newborn. They’re smiling even when he cries. I keep saying he cries sunshine tears. Hannele adores him. Every chance she has, she’s draped over his crib.”

  “I miss them. I miss you all.” A faint hiss reached her over the line, Papi puffing on his pipe. “Consider what I said; it would mean a lot to me to have you here.”

  “I have to think about it. Let’s see what Bill says.”

  While she gave Yigal his formula, while she dressed Hannele after her nap, Leini kept thinking about the conversation. She found it difficult to refuse Papi, but a visit to Helsinki entailed meeting Mira, and filled Leini with dread. While she oversaw Hannele have her afternoon snack, Leini rotated her head to release the stress tension in her neck.

  “Last bite, Hannele.”

  She swallowed the spoonful of mashed banana mixed with orange juice and gave Leini a broad smile. “Mami nice.”

  Kissing Hannele’s forehead, she inhaled her baby smell. “Thank you, darling. Hannele’s nice, too.” Snack finished, Leini held her arm as she slid off the chair. “Will you help Mami bathe Yigal?”

  Nodding her head with vigor, she rushed to the bathroom. “Hannele bath.”

  “Sure, sweetie. As soon as I’ve put Yigal to bed I’ll help you bathe. How’s that?”

  Hannele beamed a smile.

  After the children were bathed, Leini glanced at the kitchen clock: a few minutes to five. She was ahead of schedule, but after Papi’s phone call she was disturbed and needed to keep busy to still the gnawing worry vibrating just under the surface. She flitted from room to room, folding a newspaper here, plumping a pillow there. Outside, both Hannele and Nutella bustled around her as she removed wilted stems in the boxes of geraniums and petunias, watering flowers although it had rained the night before. Inside, she stretched on the couch, Hannele’s head resting on her midriff as she read her a story.

  The children are ready for bed after they’ve spent some time with Bill. Then I can talk to him about the vacation. She decided they were going to have wine with dinner, something they weren’t in the habit of doing, but she was so tense and nervous, a glass of wine was going to relax her. She opened a bottle of white wine and sipped a glass while she prepared their meal. Ah, I feel so much better. And she poured a second glass.

  As he took his place at the dinner table, Bill glanced at the bottle and Leini’s half empty glass of the yellowish liquid. “Wine with dinner. Are we celebrating something?”

  She tilted her head to the side, blinked into his eyes and smiled what she thought was a beguiling smile. “We’re not celebrating anything. I wanted some wine, is all.” Glass in hand, she half rose. “Do you have a problem with that?”

  Surprise and disapproval was in the vertical lines between his eyebrows, or so she imagined. “Don’t get up, Leini. No, I have no problem with wine for dinner, but we usually don’t drink during the week.”

  Draining her glass in a couple of deep gulps, she reached for the bottle for a refill, but Bill was faster. He splashed some liquid in her glass and pushed the cork in the neck.

  “It’s silly to save the rest of the wine. It will only spoil.” She held her glass. “Here, I’ll finish it.

  “What’s with you, Leini? You don’t usually drink.”

  “I do now.” She waved the glass close to his face, a few drops sprinkling over the table. “I want another glass of wine. Now!”

  “Here, have all you want.” He worked on the cork till he could remove it, then pushed the bottle to where it touched her plate.

  About to bring the newly filled glass to her lips, she glanced at him. “You look so…so disapproving. Don’t you like me anymore?”

  He rose. “Thanks for dinner, Leini.” He left the kitchen, not even bothering to take his plate to the sink although he usually helped her do the dishes.

  While she put away the food and cleared the table, she finished the bottle of wine. A bit wobbly on her feet, she realized she must have drunk more than she thought. But not the whole bottle; Bill had some, too. That he only drank one glass seemed to slip her mind.

  Leini found Bill in the living room seated in his rocking chair, his after-dinner coffee on the wide armrest. She wiggled to sit on the other side and leaned her head against his. “Papi phoned this afternoon. He wants us all to come to Helsinki sometime soon. I should make peace with Mira, he thinks. Hah! Me, make peace with Mira!”

  Bill glanced at her. “So that’s why you drank and only picked at your food? You know drinking doesn’t solve anything.” He sipped his coffee and replaced the cup in its saucer.

  “Don’t be angry, darling Bill. After I talked to Papi I was so scared I thought a glass of wine would calm me. Maybe I drank too much. Please, don’t be angry.”

  “You keep repeating yourself. I’m not angry, but it worries me that you resorted to the bottle because you were upset.”

  With the tips of her fingers, she caressed his cheek. “Wee-ell, it’s not exactly a habit with me, but I won’t do it again if you promise you’re not angry. Tell me you’re not. Angry I mean.”

  He rustled the newspaper. “I’m not angry.”

  “If you’re not angry, why do you sound angry?” When he didn’t answer, just kept staring at the paper, she poked at his hand with a forefinger. “Bill?”

  “That’s enough, Leini. Now you’re making me angry. Let me finish reading the paper.” He spread it open in front of his face.

  Pushing the paper down, she stared at him. “But I want to talk about Papi’s phone call.”

  He shook his head, his eyes glued on the newspaper. “Not now. I don’t think you’re fit to talk about anything right now.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that we’ll talk about Papi and going to Helsinki after you’ve had a good night’s sleep.”

  “No, not tomorrow. I want to talk about it now.” She whined like the spoiled brat Mira used to call her, then switched to an ingratiation tone. “Let’s talk about it now.”

  With the paper on his lap, he glared at her, his mouth a thin line, a pulse jumping rapidly at his temple. “I’m going to read the paper. Why don’t you go to bed?”

  Resentment churned inside that he dismissed her like a recalcitrant child, but with back straight, head held high, she rose and left the living room. Fully clothed, she threw herself on their bed. Heavy sobs of self-pity and guilt shook her until she fell asleep.

  When she awoke sometime in the middle of the night, she was clammy with sweat, the taste in her mouth foul as if she’d eaten rotten eggs or worse. Next to her she heard the soft soughing from Bill, and the house past the door was dark. Her sleep must have been like a coma because she didn’t hear him come to bed. As noiseless as possible, she slipped into the bathroom and stood under the warm shower until the stiffness in her neck softened, and the jackhammer in her head stopped drilling holes
in her brain. In bed, she slipped under the comforter, scooted to Bill’s side and snuggled close. With clenched jaw, nails digging into the palms of her hands, she kept whispering, “I’m not like Mira. I am not.”

  Next morning, while he was shaving, the bathroom door to the bedroom wide open as was their habit, Bill asked how she felt.

  “I’m terribly ashamed.”

  “Well, you did drink too much. It worries me that you drink to run away from problems.”

  “You make it sound as if I always do it. I don’t, this was a mistake.”

  “I’m concerned because in your position as alcoholism counselor, you shouldn’t drink at all.”

  “I’m on maternity leave so this doesn’t affect my job performance.”

  “Well, I just told you what I think about you drinking alcohol when you’re provoked. Now let’s forget about it.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered so low she didn’t think he didn’t hear her for the running water.

  A towel wrapped around his waist, Bill returned to the bedroom. “How do you feel about going to Helsinki?”

  “Terrified. I’m so scared.” She sighed. “If this was only about going to Helsinki I’d have no hesitations.” With the heals of her hands she rubbed burning eyes. “But, still, therapy with Dr. Morgenthaler must count for something, so maybe I simply need to decide to go, come face to face with Mira and be done with it. Waiting isn’t going to make it easier.”

  “Want my opinion?”

  “Maybe not, but you’ll give it to me anyway.”

  With a faint smile on his lips, he nodded. “I tend to agree with Papi…it’s been long enough. I think we should go.”

  After holding her breath for a moment, she expelled it like a heavy gust of air. “Okay. Let’s go. Finland in July is pretty wonderful.”

  After Bill left for work, she placed a call to Papi. While she waited for it to go through, she stood by the window, gazing at the garden. Bathed in a hazy sunlight, the lawn resembled a carpet of brilliant green velvet. She didn’t want to leave their new home so soon after they moved in. It would only be for a short while, but, still, a twinge of regret murmured inside. She wanted to spend their first summer in their house, loving the idea of Hannele and Nutella cavorting in the yard, Yigal sleeping in his pram sheltered from the wind and sun. It’s not as if we’d be gone forever, only a week.

  The ringing of the phone interrupted her restless thoughts.

  “Papi,” she said after greetings and some small talk. “We’ve decided to come…”

  “That’s absolutely wonderful, my Leini. You can’t imagine how happy I am! When are you planning on coming, do you know?”

  “Last week of July when Bill’s vacation starts, how’s that?”

  “Suits us fine. How long will you stay?”

  “I’m afraid it will be a short visit. One week, no more.”

  “That is short. Wouldn’t you consider staying longer?”

  “The children are so small. Hannele in particular is used to the outdoors since we moved into the house. She’s so energetic and full of life, keeping her cooped up in a hotel room is going to be stressful.”

  “We have this new place in the country, you know? The children would thrive there.”

  She had a vague recollection of Papi telling her last year they purchased a summer place in the country by a lake; ten acres of land, and plenty of room in the cottage.

  “Papi, please. Don’t push it. I can manage a week. It’s a beginning.”

  If he was disappointed, he didn’t say so. He agreed time away from home with such young children would be trying.

  “Karl is in France on vacation. Thought I’d mention it, so you don’t expect to see him.”

  “Oh? Well, too bad. I hope to see him in the fall when he comes to Geneva for the antiquities auctions. Will Samy be there?”

  “No, he won’t. Only a couple of weeks ago, there was an opening to substitute as an adjunct judge in the north, so he left in a rush, as these opportunities are hard to come by for a law student. I’m sure he’ll be sorry he missed seeing you.”

  A twinge of disappointment at his absence touched her. “If he has a phone where he is, I’ll call him once I’m there.”

  “When you’ve made your travel arrangements, call me. I’ll meet you at the airport.”

  Her reply was spontaneous. “Thanks. It’s good of you to offer, but I’d rather take a taxi to the hotel. I’ll call you as soon as we’re organized and the children settled. Maybe we could have dinner together, you, Bill, me.” She was determined to meet Mira for the first time after more than two years under the best possible circumstance. The bustling airport, two cranky children and herself stressed and tired after the flight wasn’t her idea of the ideal conditions for an encounter she dreaded.

  * * *

  The plane trip was a first for the children. To travel with them was also a first to both Leini and Bill. The plane was full. It was past Hannele’s nap time; too excited to settle, she wanted her own bed. She kept climbing from Bill’s lap to Leini’s, not finding a place where she was comfortable. Bill held her attention for a short while as he played with his pocket watch against her nose. Then she wanted to sit with Leini to look out the porthole. The bag of coloring books and pens the hostess gave her grabbed her interest for a short while. Overtired and impatient with the confined space, she grew whiny, rubbing eyes with her knuckles. Yigal slept through the touchdown in Brussels, screaming on and off for the remainder of the more than three-hour flight.

  By the time they landed at Vantaa airport, Leini was exhausted and harassed. I should have my head examined for making this trip with two babies. With their mountain of luggage and the irate and weary children, they crammed into a taxi. Leini gave the address to their hotel and sagged on the seat, too exhausted to notice the high blue sky and bright sunshine.

  Bill teased her the night before in Geneva as she crammed fruit and cookies in her carryall. In their hotel room Leini now congratulated herself on her foresight to have some food at hand. Hannele was way too tired for anything more than a light snack. Snug on Bill’s lap while he read her a story, she was asleep before he turned the first page.

  The shower relieved Leini of her stress. On the balcony to their room, she inhaled the invigorating air redolent with brine and seaweed. Bill came to stand by her side, an arm around her shoulders.

  He pointed at the shimmering sea spread before them “Look at this the view! I can’t stop marveling at the bright nights this time of year.” Flipping the lid on his pocket watch, he glanced at it. “Past nine in the evening, but the sun is high in the sky.” He pulled her closer and kissed her on the cheek. “Aren’t you happy we came?”

  “I’m happy, of course I am. I love Finland. This time of year it’s almost a fairyland.” She heaved a deep sigh. “If only I didn’t have to meet Mira. Which reminds me, I promised to call Papi. What shall I tell him?”

  “Check with him if he’ll have dinner with us tonight. If not, we’ll take the children to their place in the morning.”

  Twining and untwining a lock of hair around her finger, she dialed the number, hoping Papi would answer, not knowing how to deal with Mira if she picked up. Relief flooded her when his warm voice reached her.

  “How was the trip?”

  “Ouch. Imagine a full plane, two cranky, disgruntled kids and you’ve got the picture.”

  He chuckled. “What are your plans for tonight?”

  “The children are asleep. Bill and I are planning to have dinner. Care to join us?”

  “Mira knows you’re here. I couldn’t possibly come without her. I’m sure you understand.”

  “I do, Papi. Let’s forget about tonight. We’ll come visit with the children tomorrow.”

  If Papi was disappointed, he didn’t say. I hope he’s all right with this. I’ve missed him, but I have to do this my way. Tomorrow, I’ll be rested, better prepared to meet Mira.

  By ten-thirty the next morning they we
re ready. Hannele didn’t stop admiring her reflection in the full-length mirror. Taking Bill by the hand, she pulled him with her and pointed. “Pretty dress.” The skirt, the color of misty rose, ballooned around her from the pirouette she managed. Looking for approval, she hugged Bill’s legs, gazing at him. “Hannele pretty.”

  “Yes, honey. You’re very pretty, my pet.”

  Bill hoisted her up in the air. She screamed with laughter. Holding her to him, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

  When Leini emerged from the bathroom, Bill stared at her, grinned and gave a wolf whistle, strident and false. “Wow! If I didn’t know better, I’d bet my socks you have a gallant rendezvous.”

  “Keep your socks. I’m so nervous, I’m ready to have a hissy fit. How do I look?”

  “Those dove gray slacks are perfect with the coral pink top against your tan. Grandma Britta’s pendant goes well with the scalloped neck. You look wonderful.”

  During the drive to her parents’, Leini pointed out trees and flowers to Hannele, giving their Swedish names. Hannele prattled, pointed, head pivoting as she tried to look at boats on the sound as they rushed by the cab window. Smiling and clucking with gladness, she was her usual sunny self. A good night’s sleep will cure almost anything at her age. Yigal slept, dense eyelashes like a butterfly’s wings, cheeks rosy, hair like a halo of blond curls.

  While Bill paid the driver, Leini collected diaper bag and children. By the entrance, she ushered them, waiting for Bill to catch up. She glanced at her hands, surprised they didn’t shake as inside worry and fear buzzed like a swarm of angry bees.

  “Ohmegod, if it isn’t Leini with Mr. Gardet and the babies.”

  At the sound of his voice, Leini turned so fast she stumbled and fell into his arms. “Harry! Here, let me hug you.” Her throat felt like she’d swallowed a lump of dough. “It’s great to see you.” Released from his arms, she took Hannele by the hand, but not before she brushed at the wetness on her cheeks. “Meet my daughter, Hannele.”

  Somewhat timid, Hannele hid behind Leini, before curiosity won over shyness. She stared at Harry. A moment’s hesitation and she put her hand in his; the toe of one foot behind the other, knee bended, she curtsied.