Color the Sidewalk for Me

by Brandilyn Collins

  My eyes welled with tears. “But he should be, Mama. He’s the one I want. And he’s tryin’ so hard to overcome his life; he’s got to work twice as hard as anyone else.”

  “That’s why I gave him a chance. But even with all his tryin’, it’ll never work. It’s his life that makes him yearn to be free. That’s in him, Celia, and it won’t change.”

  “I don’t care.”

  She gripped my shoulders. “I’ve done all I can. I’ve tried more than you know, doin’ my best to shrug it off when folks were talking. Yet you think I’m your enemy. I can’t keep fighting with you about this; I got too much else to deal with. You see him at lunch, you do it without my blessing. And when he leaves Bradleyville to seek his fame and fortune—which I can assure you he’ll do—you’ll pay for your disobedience. You understand? What hurt you feel, you’ll bring on your own head. As for me, I’m done with it. We’ve been dealin’ with that boy for over a year, and between him and your granddad, I’ve had about all I can take. I don’t even want to hear his name again, you understand? I’ve had it!”

  Snatching her hands from my shoulders, she stalked into the kitchen. As I glared at her, a touch of smug satisfaction curled my mouth.

  chapter 39

  After the incident at Tull’s Granddad began to weaken again. Doc Richardson started making house calls twice a month to check his heart. Granddad rested more frequently, taking morning and afternoon naps. Jake Lewellyn would visit from two till four, and then Granddad would rest in his room until supper.

  “Missy,” he said with a sigh one day in late November as I put clean clothes in his dresser, “I’m afraid I failed at some a the things that matter most.”

  I turned to him, shaking my head. “Granddad, you’ve been a hero all your life. The whole town knows it.”

  “I ain’t gettin’ along with your mama any better than I ever did, no matter how much I pray about it. And I cain’t fix it for you and Danny.”

  I took his frail hand. “You did all you could for us. You’re the only one who’s ever understood. Not that long ago you told me I should let him leave Bradleyville and follow him when I’m out of school. That’s exactly what we’re goin’ to do.”

  “I did tell you that. But you will hurt your mama somethin’ terrible. A girl needs to have her mama. Might be it’s the most important relationship God made in this world.”

  The most important relationship in the world. I didn’t want to believe that. “Granddad. I’ve never had my mama.”

  My statement watered his eyes. “You still love Danny?”

  “I need Danny to live.”

  “Then go, with my blessin’. You’ll be eighteen then and a woman. But remember what I tol’ you; don’t give up on your mama. Just keep puttin’ it in God’s hands. Maybe in time she’ll forgive and you can heal old hurts. Otherwise you go through life thinkin’ you always got time, and then one day you realize you ain’t.”

  It was my turn to sigh. “I don’t really understand this, you and Mama.”

  “Well, you’re young yet. And you got your own problems. I’d expected to live long enough to see you happy with Danny, with your family’s approval. But I’m not sure I’m gonna make it. You may have to manage without me. I done tol’ God I need to stay here and help you, but he may have other plans. So whatever happens with me, you just trust him to get you through.”

  I couldn’t imagine life without Granddad. “You’re not going anywhere for a long time yet. Jake Lewellyn would be most upset. It’s gonna take him at least a year or two to think up some new scam to get his marble back.”

  “Try and get it back, you mean. I’m goin’ to my grave with that marble, and I done tol’ him so a million times.”

  “See there? You got plenty of fight left.”

  “Yep,” he said tiredly, his eyes closing. “I think I’ll take me a little snooze now.”

  In public defiance of my mother I continued to see Danny at school. My family and I did not speak his name aloud at home, although from time to time Daddy would quietly ask how he was doing. Mama and I spoke very little but at least we weren’t fighting. I spent time with Granddad or in my room, studying and painting pictures. The ocean scenes were back on my wall, often with the silhouettes of two distant figures. Sometimes I painted a scene for Danny, giving it to him between classes.

  Danny was constantly morose, as if he were merely going through the motions of living. As much as he wanted to be near me, I could see his thoughts slipping away as he pined desperately for the day he could leave town. He and his mama were now willing to walk away from the farm, he said, but they had no money and no place to go. The Hardings were talking to relatives about jobs for Danny, and they promised something would come through. They seemed to hurt for Danny almost as much as I did, and their coolness toward Mama at church bespoke their attitude toward her decision.

  It was nearly Christmas, with six inches of snow on the ground, before I hit on a plan to see Danny. I’d never taken the chance of sneaking out before and knew it wasn’t right. But desperation drove me. When my conscience clamored, I told it to be quiet. What else were Danny and I to do? “Mary Lee,” I whispered over the phone one Saturday morning, “Danny and I have to see each other. Can you help?”

  “Well, well, Celia.” Her voice could turn honey to sugar. “What happened to Miss Goody Two-shoes?”

  “Mama happened.”

  “Ah.” She fell silent for a moment. “Well, how about tomorrow afternoon? My parents got some Christmas deal. Your mama doesn’t have to know they’ll be gone.”

  “Okay.” I heard Mama and Daddy pulling into the driveway. “But can you call Danny for me? I may not get another chance to use the phone.”

  “Ooh. You’re goin’ to let me talk to your guy?”

  “Mary Lee. Just . . . call him. That’s all.”

  “Sure thing, Celia. By the way”—she giggled—“you’re a lot more fun than you used to be.”

  I trembled when Mary Lee drove up Sunday afternoon. She looked perfect as usual, with a multicolored jacket open to reveal a soft teal sweater tucked into tight jeans. She’d long since let that crazy perm of hers grow out, and her chestnut hair now fell in soft waves across her shoulders. Her large brown eyes were enhanced with eye shadow and mascara, and her lips were red. I felt keenly envious of the makeup; I wanted to look that way for Danny. “Where do we meet him?” I was breathless.

  “He’ll be at Route 347, down below town.”

  “Oh, what do I do?”

  “Get down in the backseat, idgit, that’s what.”

  I couldn’t believe how easy it was. Within ten minutes Danny had ducked down in Mary Lee’s backseat with me, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

  “What did you tell your mama?” I whispered.

  “That I was goin’ for a walk. She’s used to me settin’ off by myself.”

  Guilt stabbed at me. Danny had always been so honest; now I was turning him into a liar. “If she finds out, what’ll she do?”

  “Kill me. After raggin’ that I don’t need my daddy to shame me anymore; I done did it on my own.”

  The three of us talked in Mary Lee’s game room, where Danny and I had danced forever ago. I didn’t like the way Mary Lee made a point of stretching out her long legs as she slouched back against an armchair. Catching my eye, she cleared her throat and rose languidly. “Well, think I’ll go upstairs. Don’t be too long.” Tilting an eyebrow at me, she slunk out of the room.

  Danny held me tightly as we sat on Mary Lee’s couch, and we talked about our plans, our future. Being with him was so wonderful; neither of us wanted ever to let go. I told myself there was no harm in sneaking behind our parents’ backs, not if God had put us together in the first place. Since he hadn’t chosen to change my mother, what else was I to do? Then in no time at all, it seemed, Mary Lee was back, saying an hour had passed and her parents would be home soon. We left her house with sinking hearts, vowing we’d sneak out again.

  Ten m
inutes later Danny thanked her profusely before hopping out of her car.

  “Anytime,” she said, her voice dripping with meaning. She watched him lope away, then headed toward Minton Street, tossing her head. “No wonder you’re so crazy about him,” she sighed. “He’s gorgeous.” I kept silent.

  “Celia, don’t ever let him out of your sight. Girls in this crazy town may not know what they’ve got, but if he steps outside Bradleyville, they’ll run for him like mice to cheese. I mean, just look at him!”

  Suddenly I didn’t care for her thick chestnut hair and that tight expensive sweater over her tight expensive jeans. “Mary Lee, he’s mine.”

  “Yeah.” She blew out air. “But you ever get tired of him, you just let me know.”

  Lying in bed that night, I thought about Mary Lee’s admonition. Never let him leave Bradleyville. Yet I was planning on doing just that. For the first time I was scared of what Danny might find after he’d gone.

  Danny and I managed to sneak to Mary Lee’s house a few more times when her parents were out. After a while my conscience no longer bothered me. Sometimes she brought her own boyfriend along, a tall basketball player named Mike whom she’d been dating for a record four months. They’d wander off while Danny and I remained on the game room couch, savoring every moment we could be together. Sometimes my heart was so full of him, I thought it would burst.

  If I’d stopped to think about it, I’d have realized I wasn’t praying much anymore. Nor were Danny and I talking about God in our lives. And during Sunday school and church I only pretended to listen. I was too busy planning the next opportunity to see Danny.

  In February Danny turned eighteen. Using some hoarded babysitting money, I bought him a locket and chain with my picture inside. We had no chance to be together at Mary Lee’s as we had hoped, so I gave it to him at school under cover of my locker door. “Don’t open it till you get home,” I said. “I hope you don’t think it’s self-serving. It’s just that it represents me. And that’s what I want to give you most.”

  “I love it,” he told me the following day. “Like I love you. I’ll keep it in my pocket always.”

  A week later Danny had news. Lee Harding’s great uncle thought he had a lead on a job for him. “I’m hopin’ and prayin’, Celia,” he said as we stood outside school, shivering in a lightly falling snow. “Things’re so bad for us; Mama and I got to leave as soon as I graduate. I’d do it even sooner for her, but she won’t hear a me not finishin’ my education.”

  He’d talked so much about leaving Bradleyville that you’d think I’d get used to the idea. I knew he had to go and I still supported it. But it was so hard. I knew life hadn’t been fair to him; now life was being unfair to me, forcing me to stay behind while he stepped out into the world. Danny, I thought, standing in the snow, don’t leave me.

  “Where would the job be?”

  “Well, I don’t know what the job is yet.”

  “But where does Lee’s great uncle live?”

  He hesitated. “Miami.”

  The sidewalk dropped away beneath my feet. “Miami. Florida?”

  He nodded, biting his lip.

  “Miami.” Miami was a world, a planet, away. It had never occurred to me that he would leave Kentucky. “Miami’s on the ocean,” I blurted, accusation in my voice. “Miami’s got beaches and sand. Our beaches.”

  “Celia, it would be perfect, don’t you see? Once you’re done with school, you can come, too. I’ll save the ocean for you.”

  “But we were supposed to see it together. You weren’t supposed to go see it first, without me.”

  Hurt painted his words. “You think I want to go without you? You know if there was a way, I’d stay right here. But you and I can’t make a life here, plus I got to take Mama away. I’ll git everything set up for you. I got to do it, Celia; I got no money now, nothin’ to offer you. I can’t ask you to leave your family to live in a shack. You don’t know what it’s like to be without.”

  “I know what it’s like to be without you. Anything else I can stand. But I can’t be without you.”

  “It won’t be forever.”

  “It’ll be a whole year. I can’t live without you a whole year. And why is it so easy for you all of a sudden?”

  He closed his eyes. “It ain’t easy. Nothin’s ever been easy for me. But Celia, my whole life I done my best and nothin’s worked. Don’t deny me this. Don’t deny me the chance to make somethin’ outta myself.”

  I wanted to throw my books down on the sidewalk and cling to Danny and cry. Why couldn’t he find a job in the state? Or Ohio or Tennessee. I could even bear to think of him in Lexington, where Mary Lee would be attending the University of Kentucky. But the ocean. The wild ocean, where seashells rolled in from distant beaches and the endless horizon made you think you owned the world. Between me and it, which had he loved first? Which would he choose if circumstances demanded it?

  “Danny, you already are somethin’; you’re the one I love. Why isn’t that enough?”

  Forgetting restraint, he reached out to grip my shoulder. “It is. But we can’t love each other the way we want.”

  “Wait for me, then,” I pleaded. “Just one more year. Until we can go together.”

  His arm fell away. “Celia, I can’t. I got my mama to think of. I’ve got you but she’s got nobody. She’ll wither up and die if I don’t git her outta here.”

  “That’s just an excuse! You just want to travel; you always have. You want to see the ocean. And if you have to leave me to do it, you will!”

  He turned his head aside, stung by the words. “No. I want you. I will always want you, always love you. Please understand. If a job comes through, it’s gonna be hard enough, tryin’ to get Mama away without Daddy finding out and killing her first, trying to scrape money together to even git there.” He faced me, his jaw tight. “And if I happen to find a job where I’ve always dreamed a being, why deny me that? Why not be glad for any little happiness I might find while I’m waitin’ for you? It’d be like letting a wild bird out of a cage.”

  Tears fell, turning icy on my frozen face. “And what do wild birds do? They fly away, Danny. They fly away and they don’t come back.”

  “Celia, I’ll never fly away from you. You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved. I love you so deep that nothin’ can change that, not miles between us or the ocean or fanciful dreams. If a job opens up, I’ll go and I’ll wait for you. Then we’ll be together forever.”

  I wiped my cheeks with the back of my hand. “Promise me.”

  “I promise.”

  His emerald eyes misted with pleading, the shock of hair across his forehead dusted with snow. He held his books loosely in one hand against his coat, worn and barely enough to keep out the cold. I heard the sounds of youngsters squealing at thrown snowballs, and the door of the school building slamming in syncopated rhythm. Melissa had already left, long ago learning not to wait for me. Mona and Barbara, Randy, Gerald and Lyle and Bobby—they’d all left, too. I hardly talked to any of them anymore. Word was, Bobby couldn’t take being near me, knowing I cared not a whit for him. Only Kevy would wait to walk me home. Shivering on the sidewalk, I realized I’d isolated myself from the town almost as much as the town had isolated Danny. And the thought of next year without him left me colder than the air swirling about us.

  “Then go,” I said, voice catching. “Take care of your mama and wait for me. And when I come, we’ll dig our toes in the sand.”

  He smiled faintly. “Run along the beach. Camp out under the stars.”

  “Yeah,” I replied, managing to smile with him. “We will, Danny. We will.”

  chapter 40

  Three days after Danny told me about Miami, Granddad suffered a heart attack. It struck suddenly after lunch, during which he’d impatiently informed his “overprotective daughter” that he was as healthy as an ox. By the time Kevy and I arrived home, the ambulance from the Albertsville hospital had come and gone, Mama riding in the back with
him. She’d left a hasty note taped to the front door, saying she’d call as soon as she could.

  Numb with shock, I wandered into Granddad’s bedroom, running my fingers over his medals and the German canteen, rolling Jake Lewellyn’s marble in its little cup. In the dining area I picked up the phone and dialed Danny’s number. His daddy answered. I hung up.

  “Celia,” Kevy asked, lip quivering, “Granddad’s not goin’ to die, is he?”

  I pulled him down on the couch, putting my arm around him, his head on my shoulder. Poor Kevy. Seeing his hurt only added to my own pain. “No, Kevy, he won’t die. We love him too much.”

  Even if surgery could have helped Granddad, he was too weak to withstand it. So the doctors sent him home after five days, gray, his face stubbly, his legs so unsteady that Daddy and Mama had to practically carry him to bed. I helped prop him up on pillows, refusing to leave him at supper time, feeding him soup. We tiptoed around the house, not wanting to disturb his naps. During lunch at school I’d use the office phone to call Mama, checking on him. After school Danny and I would speak briefly; then I’d rush home with Kevy, afraid of what I might find. In the meantime no further news had come about a job for Danny. Either that or he simply wasn’t telling me, knowing how bad the timing would be.

  Granddad’s body may have been failing but not so his mind. He’d still entertain Kevy and me with long war stories, some of which we’d never heard before. Those I suspected he was making up. Jake Lewellyn came to visit one afternoon and was met with the same temperament Granddad had always bestowed upon his best friend. “Jake, you ol’ coot, whatcha doin’ in my bedroom?” Granddad struggled to rise a little higher against his pillows. “Celia, go over and hold that marble afore he steals it right out from under me.”

  I pulled a chair near the bed, supporting Mr. Lewellyn as he sank into it. “Now, Granddad, be nice. Mr. Lewellyn’s come to visit; you could at least show him some respect.”

  “Respect? Since when did he ever show me any respect?”