‘I think we might want to be drunk for Tash‘s games,’ I say to Amelia and then settle down on the sofa next to Lucy. ‘Oatmeal and honey? Are we eating porridge?’
‘It‘s for a face mask,’ Tash replies.
‘We have an oatmeal, honey and yoghurt mask and a scrub made from sea salt, almond oil and lavender oil.’ Holly perches on the arm of the sofa. ‘We have ingredients for strawberry daiquiris, sex on the beach, raspberry mojitos, appletinis and woowoos.’
‘What on earth is a woowoo?’ Lucy puts a finger into the honey and licks. ‘Are you sure we can‘t eat this?’
‘A woowoo is peach schnapps, vodka and cranberry juice and, no, you can‘t eat the face-mask ingredients.’ Tash slaps Lucy‘s hand away. ‘To eat we have salted caramel ice cream, toffee pop corn and a fruit salad for Amelia.’
‘I love salted caramel. I am so glad my wedding dress isn‘t a tight fit so I‘m free to indulge,’ I say.
‘Sensible woman. I can‘t understand those brides who buy a dress two sizes down from their normal size and then diet to fit into it,’ Emily says. ‘They must get so miserable.’
From the pinched look on Amelia‘s face I‘m guessing she‘s one of those. When her back is turned and she‘s in deep conversation I catch Tash tipping a good helping of vodka into Amelia‘s virgin cocktail.
She puts a finger to her lips.
‘Tash, are you sure?’ I hiss in her ear. Amelia and I are never going to be BFFs but she‘s come up trumps for me with the wedding so I feel a little sympathy for her. On the other hand, this evening will go a lot more smoothly if Amelia‘s able to loosen up a little.
‘I‘m sure. I owe her a little revenge for all the unsubtle reminders that she‘s in charge at Chalet Repos, not me. Not to mention all the digs about how you only really know a man loves you when he proposes and, by the way, has Nate popped the question yet?’ Tash‘s whisper is practically a growl in my ear. ‘Relax, I‘m not going to do anything terrible, just get her sloshed enough to be honest for the Mr and Mrs quiz.’
‘Hmm, okay then. I saw nothing.’ I back off, feeling small pricklings of misgiving about this quiz Tash has prepared. What exactly did she ask Luc?
When the quiz starts I find out. I‘m up to be tortured first. Mixed in with innocuous questions like ‚what would your bride rescue first in a fire?‘, to which Luc correctly guessed Max and Pipsqueak, Tash has added plenty of ‚favourite sexual position‘ and ‚sexual fantasy‘ questions. It appears Luc knows if I got him to dress up as anyone it‘d be a ‚cowboy from one of those romances she reads‘ and now everyone else knows it too.
It‘s pretty tame compared to the confessions the cocktails are inducing. Tash reveals far more than I ever wanted to know about what Nate can do with an ice cube.
When it‘s Amelia‘s turn to be humiliated I decide to make my escape to find Holly, pretending I need the loo.
I find her in the nursery feeding Maddie.
‘You don‘t want to feed Maddie in the living room?’ I ask, closing the door softly behind me.
‘It‘s a bit too raucous out there. I‘d never get my little night owl back to sleep again. She hates missing a party.’ Holly rolls her eyes. ‘Plus Maddie‘s a little young to be corrupted just yet. I hear the confessions are getting a bit racy.’
‘Tash has mixed the drinks with a heavy hand on the vodka bottle,’ I admit.
‘I thought she might. Why do you think I‘ve kept my drink with me?’
‘Me too.’ I lean back against the chest of drawers and sip my appletini. ‘Holly, I just want to say I‘m sorry.’
‘What on earth for?’ Holly frowns.
‘I feel like I haven‘t been here for you much,’ I admit.
‘You‘ve had a lot going on. I‘ve worried I haven‘t done enough to support you.’
‘What are we like?’ My lips quirk. ‘I‘d like to be there for you more, once the wedding is over. Luc and I would love to babysit sometime, if that‘s okay.’
I‘m trying hard to send out ‚I‘m not going to steal your baby but I think I‘m ready to love her now‘ vibes. No amount of appletinis could ever give me the courage to actually say that, though.
‘That would be great.’ Holly beams, relief suffusing her features, and I think she knows how I feel without me saying it.
‘Just promise me one thing, Holly.’
‘What?’ She gently places Maddie back down into her cot.
‘Don‘t ever use the phrase ‚you‘re not a mother so you couldn‘t possibly understand‘ or I may have to kill you.’
She laughs. ‘Okay, I promise. Now let‘s go and see if there‘s any toffee popcorn left.’
Chapter 24
BETH
While I’m painting yet another sodding pine cone Holly comes to sit next to me. Sophie and Amelia have left, but we’re trying to get a bit more prep done while all the materials are out.
‘Thanks for offering to help.’ Holly scrubs absently at a blob of dried paint with a fingernail.
‘I don’t mind, it makes a nice change.’
I’m not exactly lying. It’s not that I object to helping out with Sophie and Amelia’s wedding, just that Amelia seems to need so many duck-egg-blue pine cones that I’ve got pine-cone blindness.
‘I meant with the other business, you know, Thomas.’ Holly looks directly at me then, frank eyes appraising me kindly.
‘Oh, yes.’ I look back down at my pine cone. ‘I’m sure Dan will help us.’
‘I’m glad you’ve found someone you can talk to, Beth,’ Holly says softly. ‘I know I’m not around a lot, but if you ever need another pair of ears you’re always welcome to come round to the flat.’
‘Thanks.’
‘I know how much Thomas hurt Sophie.’ Holly has lowered her voice so the others can’t hear her. ‘He’s a nasty bastard and, whatever happened, I just want you to know you’re not alone.’
I raise my eyebrows and quirk my lips. ‘No chance of that.’
The only time I’m ever on my own is when I go to the loo. Getting used to sleeping in a dorm room after living a fairly independent life has been interesting.
Holly smiles. ‘You know what I mean, there are different kinds of being alone.’
Don’t I know it. I hadn’t realised that Holly knew it too. A flash of understanding passes between us. I wish I knew how to talk about the encounter with Thomas and the humiliation in front of his friends, but I still can’t. In order to explain why it affected me so much I’d have to talk about what happened at home and I don’t want to do that. Here I’m just Beth. I don’t have the labels I acquired at home: ‘rape victim’ or ‘daughter of a bipolar mother’. People are so much more complicated than that. My life is about much more than that. I am more than the sum of how other people have treated me.
‘I’m okay,’ I start to say automatically, then decide Holly deserves more than that from me. She seems to really want to check I’m alright. ‘Well maybe I’m not totally okay but most days I am. I’m definitely getting there and … Dan is helping.’
As I say it I realise it’s true. Six months ago I might not have been strong enough to tell Thomas to piss off and walk away. I’m stronger than I was, and happier. Thinking about it, most of that happiness is down to meeting Dan and learning to let go a little. The strength must be purely my own, given the Thomas thing happened before I really knew Dan. Tapping into my anger helped. Eva says depression is anger turned inwards. Well, I think I’ve now discovered how to direct that anger outwards, to the deserving recipients.
‘Good, I’m glad.’ Holly nods and gets up from the table, seemingly having seen what she wanted in me. ‘Don’t forget, my offer is there if you ever want to take it up. You’ll be doing me a favour, Maddie and I love company.’
‘I will, thanks.’ I smile and store the seed of friendship carefully away, treasuring it. Sympathetic friends are always appreciated, but empathetic friends are scarce and should be treasured.
When I’ve finished the specified
number of pine cones I scrub the paint from my hands and head over to see Dan. I need to broach the Thomas issue with him and while I’m sure he’ll agree, I can’t help feeling anxious as I knock on the door of his campervan.
Dan grins when he sees me. ‘I was hoping you’d come early. Fancy helping me cook dinner?’
‘Okay.’ I nod and then gasp when he pulls me into a sudden embrace. This kind of action would normally trigger a panic attack in me. I wait for the symptoms, but they fail to appear. I relax gratefully into the kiss.
‘Now, I’ve got a present for you.’ Dan says when he releases me. ‘Close your eyes.’
I obey, another sign of how much I’ve come to trust Dan, and hear him opening a drawer. Then I feel his hands brushing the back of my neck and a cold, thin chain settles against my neck.
‘Can I see?’
‘Go on.’
I open my eyes and turn to the mirror fixed to the front of one of the cupboards. There’s a pretty silver pendant around my neck with an engraving of a picture of Pooh and Piglet and the quote ‚it‘s so much friendlier with two‘ on it.
‘I love it, thank you.’ I throw my hands around his neck and hug him.
We kiss again, a slow and lingering kiss that almost distracts me from what I need to ask him to do. It nags at the back of my mind, though, stopping me from letting go.
He seems to sense it, pulling back and regarding me quizzically.
‘Everything okay?’ He goes to the campervan‘s fridge and gets out tomatoes, minced beef and Gruyère cheese. He‘s still watching me from the corner of his eye.
‘Yes, I‘m okay, but I‘ve got something to ask you.’ I get a chopping board out and begin to chop the tomatoes.
We‘re standing close. In a camper van there‘s very little option. Funny how I hate the close quarters of the dorm room but am happy to be cramped and intimate here with Dan.
‘Actually, I‘ve got something I wanted to ask you too.’ He tips oil into a pan and turns up the heat.
‘You go first.’ I take the coward‘s way out.
‘Okay. When the season‘s over I want you to think about coming travelling with me. We can see a bit of Europe, pick up some yacht work. You can do the kind of job you‘re doing now, it‘ll just be on a yacht instead of in a chalet.’ He pauses. ‘And we‘ll be together. If we sign up as a couple we‘ll get a cabin to share.’
‘Oh, I wasn‘t expecting …’ I will myself to shut up. Just because I wasn‘t expecting commitment from Dan doesn‘t mean I don‘t want it. But joining him in this kind of lifestyle, it‘s tempting, but so far from what I planned.
Am I doing the right thing? It would be fun, I‘ve no doubt about that, but life is serious. Being safe is what matters.
Having security.
Somehow that old argument isn‘t as convincing as usual. Isn‘t loving and being loved more important? Would I rather be with my lovely, sexy Dan or a guy with a steady nine-to-five job who bores me rigid but promises to stick to my side forever?
I run my eyes over Dan‘s athletic body and then meet his smiling eyes.
Daft question. That whole sticking-to-my-side-forever thing sounds a lot like stalking, now I think of it.
‘Take some time to think about it. You don‘t need to give me an answer now.’
‘Okay, I‘ll think about it.’ I bite my lip. ‘Dan, the thing I need to talk about – I‘ve got a favour to ask you.’
‘Ask away.’
I take a deep breath. Not because I think he‘ll say no but because it‘ll be difficult to talk about.
‘Would you be willing to help expose someone who‘s hurt a lot of people,’ I say, eyes down and words coming out in a breathy rush.
‘What sort of someone?’ I hear from the change of pitch of Dan‘s tone that he‘s noticed. It‘s the way he is when he‘s trying to sound relaxed but there‘s an underlying alertness. I think it‘s the latent barrister in him. When something piques his interest it flicks a switch inside him, sharpening his mind.
‘The worst sort. A complete bastard.’ My mouth compresses into a thin line. I swallow hard.
‘Okay, tell me more.’ Dan‘s tone is light but the alertness is still there, waiting to hone in.
I realise I don‘t mind him knowing. It wouldn‘t be too awful to tell him. He‘s given me so much, I can offer him up this layer of me. It touches on the deep vein, leading to the worst things, the terrible memories … but I trust him now.
‘Do you remember that day you found me at the cantine, when I was upset …?’ I meet his eye. ‘Well there was someone called Thomas there who … upset me and has treated Sophie dreadfully. It‘s really terribly sad.’
By the time I‘ve finished telling Dan about Sophie the meal is ready.
‘I‘ll help. Of course I‘ll help, it‘ll be my pleasure.’ Dan hands me a bowl of pasta bolognese. ‘But I would like you to tell me why this is personal for you. You‘ve said he upset you, but not what he did to get you into that kind of state.’
‘What?’ I suppress a dart of panic and take the bowl.
‘I can read people, Beth, it‘s what I used to do.’ He sits down beside me. ‘I can read you.’
‘Hmm.’
‘Don‘t pull that face, I think you like that I can read you, that I can see the things other people miss. It must get lonely hiding all the time.’
I turn sideways, pulling my legs up underneath me so I‘m facing Dan. I won‘t be a coward. I do like that he found me, that he reads me and sees me. Keeping my real self hidden from the world became second nature with Mum being, well, Mum. I‘ve been pretending everything is okay for so long it‘s ingrained in me. The truth can be dangerous and shameful. But Dan‘s right, I‘m tired of being lonely, of being trapped behind so many layers. Stripping them away is exhausting.
‘Okay, maybe you‘re right. I do like it, but it‘s still … scary,’ I admit, and exhale loudly. I take a spoonful of pasta. ‘This is nice, do you cook a lot of Italian food?’
‘No deflection. Tell me why this is personal to you, Beth.’ He leans towards me. ‘I need to know if he, if he hurt you.’
A muscle twitches in his neck and I know he must be thinking about his sister. I‘ve triggered his primeval response to protect and defend. He couldn‘t protect her, but maybe now there‘s a physical enemy to grapple with, a tangible outlet for his rage.
I tense and am engulfed by a flood of mixed emotions. I like that Dan wants to defend me, but it‘s not necessary. Thankfully on this occasion I was able to defend myself. It occurs to me I‘ve been looking at the Thomas incident as a failure, but really it was a triumph.
‘Let‘s just say he doesn‘t like hearing the word ‚no‘?’ I say cautiously.
‘Did he … force you?’ There‘s a dangerous glint in Dan‘s eye.
‘No,’ I say hastily. ‘Well, he tried to, but I dealt with it. I don‘t need you to defend my honour. I‘m not asking you to help with this for me but because of what he did to Sophie. She‘s lovely and she really doesn‘t deserve to pay for the rest of her life because of his actions. Plus, we want to warn other women about him. We‘d do it ourselves, but really we need a guy to get him to talk and I thought, with your knowledge of the law …’
I break off and take a breath.
‘You‘re lovely too, Beth,’ he replies softly, a tiny frown line appearing on his forehead. ‘If he was a bastard to you I‘ll happily crush him into the dust for you. You matter, you realise that, don‘t you? You matter to me.’
I don‘t reply, but stir the pasta in my bowl, staring down at it, my appetite gone.
I‘m too choked with emotion to swallow. His words have touched that deep vein, that terrible fear that I don‘t matter to anyone, not really.
‘And I‘m bloody sure you didn‘t deserve however he treated you either,’ he adds forcefully, reaching over to hold my hand still and stop it stirring.
He takes the bowl off me and puts both our dishes up on the tiny counter.
‘C
ome here for a cuddle.’
Obediently I climb onto his lap and put my arms around his neck.
‘It doesn‘t matter,’ I mutter and wonder how many times I‘ve said that about myself. The old belief that I don‘t matter took root when I was a child and it swiftly shot up to become a towering weed, tangled around my sense of self and strangling the hope out of me.
I don‘t feel so tangled up any more, though. I can finally breathe again.
‘It does matter.’ Dan nuzzles my neck, his lips lightly grazing my skin with the gentlest of kisses. The tendrils of the evil weed inside me curl, withering and dying. ‘I meant it. You matter to me very much indeed.’
I exhale and relax into his embrace. The weed carries on shrivelling inside me, weakening by the second.
‘Do you want to tell me more about it?’ Dan asks quietly.
I‘m surprised to find I do.
‘I went home with him after that party. You know, the night when we met,’ I say, trying to keep my tone matter of fact. ‘Thomas was … a bit rough with me and he said some really horrible stuff that upset me. But I got angry with him and said I‘d call the police if he didn‘t let me go.’
My voice is very quiet. I find I can talk about it a little if I‘m not looking at Dan and my face is half buried in his hoodie. I inhale the clean scent of fabric conditioner and catch the edge of Dan‘s own masculine scent, mixed in with shower gel and deodorant.
Dan doesn‘t reply, he just squeezes me tightly as though I might float away from him. Eventually I relax enough to squeeze back.
‘I wish I‘d stopped you going home with him,’ Dan replies quietly. ‘I almost came back to find you that night, but I met a friend, a girl I work with who‘d just broken up with her boyfriend and wanted to talk. And I was so sure you were giving me the brush-off when you wouldn‘t accept a drink and virtually accused me of being a potential rapist.’
‘Oh God, I‘m so sorry.’ I press my face hard into his hoodie.
‘Don‘t be, I understand now why you‘re so cautious. I just wish I‘d looked deeper.’ Dan sighs. ‘If only I‘d come back to find you.’
‘It‘s not your fault. I can see why you thought I was giving you the brush-off, but I‘ve learnt it‘s not a good idea to tread the ‚what if‘ path. I find it doesn‘t go anywhere,’ I say carefully.
Chalet Girls Page 24
