Hawke's Flight (Julia Hawke Series Book 3)

by Natasha West

I’ve got to go away for a few days. I’ll call you when I’m back.

  And that was it. No explanations beyond that. No ‘I love you’. Not even a couple of kisses. She was just going somewhere. And apparently, I didn’t deserve to know where.

  I was hurt by her abrupt departure. But in a way, it was unsurprising. The perfect full stop to end the last few shitty weeks.

  Things had hardly been wonderful between us. We weren’t arguing or anything like that. It was just that whenever we were together, something seemed out of sync. The ease I usually found in Julia’s company had vanished. We were off.

  And I had no idea what to do about it. I found myself beginning to avoid her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see her, it was that I thought that if I gave her space, if I was patient, the problem would fix itself. Was that stupid? Possibly. Did I have any better ideas? No.

  I’d thought about raising the subject. Of course I had. But I had this idea that if I asked what was wrong, I might not like the answer. That Julia might tell me something I’d never be able to unhear, something life ruining.

  I was worried she was going to say she didn’t love me anymore.

  And once I was struck by that possibility, it was the only solution I could imagine. I began to picture it, filling my imagination with more and more detail each time, sketching it out like a scene from the screenplay I was working on with Zara, it’s format now the language my brain spoke in.

  INT. JULIA’S LIVING ROOM – DAY

  JULIA (thirty-nine, beautiful, patrician, doe eyed) sits on the sofa, staring into her teacup. She doesn’t want to say what she’s going to say. But she has to.

  PENNY (twenty-one, nervous, out of her depth) looks at her from the opposite chair, getting up the courage to ask the worst possible question.

  PENNY

  Julia… Something’s wrong, isn’t it?

  JULIA

  Yes.

  PENNY

  Whatever it is, we can get through it together.

  JULIA

  No. We can’t. I’m sorry. It’s over.

  Tears begin to fill Penny’s eyes.

  PENNY

  But, but… Why? We love each other, don’t we?

  JULIA

  I thought we did, for a while. But I was fooling myself. I don’t love you. I don’t think I ever really did.’

  Penny weeps like a child as Julia looks away in disgust.

  FADE OUT

  I know. It’s not great writing. And it doesn’t really have Julia’s voice. Because she’s only speaking with the voice of my insecurity. I get that.

  Still…

  A sharp knock on the door almost threw me off the seat of the toilet. ‘Penny!’ Zara yelled excitedly through the door.

  ‘What?’ ‘Is everything alright?’

  ‘Get out here right now!’

  I nearly ran out before realising my knickers were around my ankles. I finished up, washed my hands and threw open the door to see what the big fuss was.

  ‘Sorry, I probably should have waited for you to come out. But I just read the news and I had to talk to you about it this exact second’ Zara said eagerly as I came out of the bathroom.

  ‘Oh my god, what’s wrong?’

  ‘Nothing’s wrong. Wait, don’t you know about the shortlist?

  ‘Shortlist?’

  ‘You don’t, do you?’ she asked, bemused. ‘Don’t you ever google yourself?’

  I looked at her, stumped. ‘Zara, for the love of god’ I said. ‘Would you just tell me already?!’

  She held up her phone, an article about some book award on the screen. I took the phone from her and began to scan it. The headlines were that some company that I’ve never heard of, Goldman Caan, had sponsored a book award night which had a ‘Debut novel’ category. And I was shortlisted.

  ‘Oh. Right’ I say quietly.

  ‘That’s it? Oh, right? This is amazing, Penny.’

  ‘I’ve never even heard of this prize. I mean it’s nice and everything, but I’m not sure how much it really means.’

  Zara shakes her head. ‘You really are terminally modest, aren’t you? This means something. It’s certainly going to help with getting funding for the film, that’s for sure. Investors eat this shit up.’

  I shrugged. ‘Well, if you put it like that, I guess it’s good news.’

  ‘It’s not because of the other person on the shortlist, is it? I realise it probably makes things a bit awkward…’

  ‘What? Who?’

  ‘You didn’t read the whole thing?’

  ‘I just stopped when I got to my name.’

  Zara made a face. ‘Your girlfriend’s on it too.’

  I grabbed the phone back and went further down the list of nominees. And there she was, right at the bottom. Julia.

  ‘Oh dear.’

  ‘I can’t believe you didn’t know about this. She should have mentioned it. Your agent should have mentioned it’ Zara says.

  Yeah, why the hell didn’t David mention this? And then the other thing Zara said hit me, about Julia. Why didn’t she say something?

  My first thought was that maybe this was the reason Julia has suddenly vanished. She’s annoyed. Here I am, a fraction of her talent, and she has to share a category with me, as though I’m on her level. It is a little ridiculous.

  But to run off because of it? That’s even more insane.

  And now I was no longer sad about the problems I was having with Julia. I wasn’t worried, anxious or scared.

  I was angry.

  ‘Look, it’s almost four and I’m kind of done with work for today. Why don’t we go out for a drink, toast your news?’ Zara suggested.

  I’d had plans for the evening. I was going to meet Julia for dinner. But that was obviously not happening anymore. Because she’d run off somewhere mysterious and treated me like I didn’t matter in the process.

  ‘Yeah, alright. I guess I could do with a drink. Wait, I thought Pete was coming today? Where’s he gotten to?’

  ‘Oh, yes. I should probably have said. Pete’s not attached to the project anymore.’

  My eyes nearly popped out of my head. ‘Why?’

  ‘He’s just gotten too busy with other projects that are taking off. It’s alright. I’ll find another producer.’

  But I didn’t care if Zara would find someone else. I’d liked Pete. I’d liked his calming presence.

  ‘But I don’t understand. I thought he was committed to this?’

  Zara sighed. ‘Yeah, well. That’s the thing about this business. People are very committed. Until they’re not. It’s annoying, but what can you do? Anyway, I’m parched. Let’s drink.’

  I was shocked about Pete but I supposed that Zara knew her way around the business. If she said it was usual practice for people to just vanish on you, I had to take her word for it.

  ‘Stop it!’ I begged Zara, my stomach hurting from laughter. ‘I can’t take anymore!’

  Zara was telling me tales from her last film shoot, which had included a lot of bad behaviour from a semi-famous actress. She had the reputation of being a bit difficult to work with. But from what Zara was telling me, that was an understatement.

  ‘It wasn’t funny at the time; I can promise you that’ she said darkly.

  ‘Did you say anything? To the saxophone player?’

  ‘I didn’t say a word. I just walked out of her trailer and left them to it’ Zara shrugged. ‘But I can tell you this. I can’t even look at a baguette anymore’ she finished dryly.

  I giggled and wiped a tear from my eye. It felt great to laugh. I’d been carrying a weight lately; I could see that now. Julia and I hadn’t laughed together in a while, I realised with shock.

  But a few hours and a few drinks with Zara, I felt like myself again.

  ‘Hey’ Zara said. ‘What’s that all about?’

  ‘What’s what all about?’

  ‘You keep biting your lip, like an anxious tick. Are you upset about something? Is it Julia? It’s Julia,
isn’t it?’

  ‘What? No! I’m fine. What are you talking about?’ I protested.

  Zara cocked her head. ‘Your voice just went up. That’s a sign of lying. So why don’t we just skip all the crap and you can tell me what’s going on.’

  I went to assure her again but I realised it was pointless. Zara was a sharp pencil. It would be easier to come clean than spend the next few minutes pretending to be alright. And besides, I didn’t really want to pretend with her. I needed to talk to someone. And Zara was developing into a good friend. I hadn’t known her long but she was funny, insightful and energetic. I liked her. I hoped the friendship would extend beyond the work situation. And if I wanted that, now was a good time to test the boundaries.

  ‘You’re right’ I admitted. ‘It’s Julia. Things are a bit, I don’t know, weird right now.’

  ‘Do you know why?’ she asked immediately.

  ‘No. Not a clue.’

  She raised an eyebrow.

  ‘I don’t!’ I protested.

  ‘Not buying it. When it goes wrong, whether we want to admit it or not, we always know why.’

  Was that true? If I was worrying that Julia didn’t love me, was it because I really did know that? What if it wasn’t simple insecurity? What if it was something more like intuition?

  ‘It was so different a few months ago. I don’t know how it could have gone so wrong so fast’ I moaned.

  Zara shrugged. ‘That’s the way it goes sometimes. Sometimes things seem great, you’re crazy in love and the world’s your oyster. And then… It’s not. It could mean you guys have just run your course.’

  I’d really hoped she’d have something positive to say. But that was Zara. She was a straight talker.

  ‘No’ I retorted. ‘That can’t be it. We spent so long getting to this point. We couldn’t have run out of steam that quickly.’

  Zara hesitated. ‘Before I reply to that, I need to tell you something. Julia’s book? I’ve read it.’

  My jaw hit the floor. ‘What? When?’

  ‘Not long after you brought her to lunch. I thought she looked kind of familiar and then it hit me. ‘The Slutty Professor.’

  I groaned. ‘She really hates that name.’

  ‘I’m not surprised. But I’ve got to say, I didn’t really know what the big deal was. She slept with some students. So what? They were adults and so was she. If I’d been in her class at eighteen, I might not have minded some ‘private tuition.’

  ‘What?!’ I cried, shocked.

  ‘Wait, that came out wrong’ she said, laughing. ‘I’ve got no interest in trying to get with your girlfriend. I was just talking about my theoretical eighteen-year-old self.’

  She seemed to mean it, so I decided to accept the comment at face value. I let her continue.

  ‘I’m just saying, I wasn’t particularly shocked by any of it.’ Zara paused, she seemed to be working up to something. ‘But then I read her book.’ She gave me a serious look. ‘You’re Alice, aren’t you?’

  I hadn’t seen that coming at all and the name of my literary alter ego coming out of Zara’s mouth practically winded me. I began to try and stutter out some kind of denial. But I never made it to a full word.

  ‘You don’t need to answer’ Zara said. ‘It’s obvious from the physical description and the way she wrote your character. She really nailed you. Figuratively speaking’ she added caustically.

  As my mind raced through the contents of the book, picking out the most sexual and therefore embarrassing parts, I wanted to die. Zara, my creative partner, my colleague and my new friend, knew the most intimate details of my sexual history with Julia. I felt my face go hot with the humiliation.

  ‘Look, I can tell you’re a little self-conscious about this, but you really don’t need to be. I wouldn’t assume that anything she said in the book about what went on between you was completely factual. She’s a writer and I’d be an idiot to think she didn’t take some artistic license with a few things. It’s a fictionalised account and I know what that means. So relax.’

  I nodded. There was truth in that. The book wasn’t accurate to the letter. Still, there was plenty in it that had been pretty close to the bone. But Zara was letting me off the hook. She knew it and I knew it. That was alright. As long as I could believe she didn’t know exactly where the line of truth lay, I still had some kind of privacy, a little room to feel safe.

  But she wasn’t done.

  ‘But broadly speaking, is this how it started between you? Were you one of her students?’

  I bit my lip and nodded.

  She let out a whistle. ‘Wow.’ I watched her thinking about that, staring at the table for a moment. Whatever she was thinking, I needed to know.

  ‘What?’

  She resettled herself in her seat and said ‘I’m an outsider, so don’t take this to heart. But maybe that’s your problem. It all started so dramatically. Forbidden love. It’s intoxicating, easy to get swept up in. And very hard to maintain when things quieten down.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Well, correct me if I’m wrong, but it was exciting, wasn’t it? Sneaking around, breaking the rules. And now you’re both trying to make it work in a normal way. Without all the added pizzazz. What I’m trying to say is that you started in pretty sexy circumstances and now things have gone off the rails because maybe, maybe, you’re trying to have the same thing you had at the beginning. And perhaps it’s hard because without the forbidden element…’ she trailed off.

  ‘Go on’ I urged.

  ‘…Because perhaps, without that, maybe you’re just two people who don’t really have much to keep you together’ she finished delicately. It was the softest I’d ever heard Zara speak. I was immediately annoyed.

  ‘You don’t know us. You don’t know her’ I said, trying to hold back the full irritation I was feeling.

  Zara shrugged. ‘You’re right. I only know what I’ve read. So if I’m full of it, just say so.’

  I sighed and smiled. ‘Yeah. You are.’

  She laughed, good naturedly. ‘Fair enough, Penny. Fair enough. Another drink?’

  When I woke up the next morning, my head felt like it was full of jam. And I wasn’t at home. I was in a strange bed. I looked around for clues and the first thing I saw was a purple leather jacket, slung over a chair. It was Zara’s jacket. I was in Zara’s bed. In my underwear. My stomach dropped. We hadn’t… Had we?

  There was a tap at the door and Zara popped her head into the room.

  ‘Morning’ she said and then came in, fully dressed I was relieved to note, holding a mug. ‘I hope you’re OK with black coffee. I’m out of milk.’

  I sat up in the bed, holding the blanket up to my chin, staring at her, wondering how to broach the topic of last night’s events. Zara saw my discombobulation.

  ‘Penny, you do remember what happened last night, don’t you?’

  I really didn’t.

  ‘We came back here and kept drinking. And then I gave you my bed while I took the sofa.’

  I could have wept with relief. My face must have been an open book because then Zara said ‘Did you think we’d done the nasty?!’

  ‘No’ I said quickly. ‘Of course I didn’t!’

  ‘Shit! You did!’

  I covered my face with my hands, mortified. But then the blanket dropped down, revealing my bra. I grabbed it and brought it back up to my neck, while Zara kept guffawing. This just kept getting worse.

  Once Zara had finished laughing, she sat down on the edge of the bed, handing me the coffee.

  ‘Penny’ she said affectionately. ‘You really are the best.’

  ‘Hardly.’

  Her face dropped a little of the humour and she took a deep breath. ‘Yes, you are. Look, I… God, I feel like a total arsehole saying this to you but I’m going to say it anyway. Because I’m not about bullshit. I want to be upfront. And the truth is, I wish something had happened last night because I think you’re fantastic. Not to menti
on hotter than the sun’ she said, matter of fact as you please.

  I nearly dropped the coffee.

  ‘I know your situation’ she went on, ‘and I don’t expect you to say anything back. But if the situation changes… I’ll be around. That’s it. That’s all I want to say.’

  I wanted to say something, anything, but before I could get a word out, Zara held up her hand.

  ‘Also, we work together and I respect that. So if I’m out of line, please ignore everything I just said. We can say I’m still drunk from last night. Which is probably true.’

  I still hadn’t said anything. Zara stood up. ‘I’ll leave you to get dressed.’

  She left me alone in her bedroom. I didn’t move to get dressed. I was frozen, trembling. Why did I suddenly feel so scared?

  It didn’t take a genius to figure it out. The attraction that Zara had just confessed to me? I’d been trying to ignore it but the plain fact was, it was mutual.

  Once I’d accepted that deeply inconvenient truth, I got dressed, made my excuses and apologies to Zara about needing to be somewhere and got the hell out of there.

  Chapter Seventeen

  I looked at the text I was about to send to Penny.

  I’ve got to go away for a few days. I’ll call you when I’m back.

  And I couldn’t think what else to add. We’d never really talked about my dad. I think she knew that he wasn’t around because I never mentioned him, but Penny wasn’t the type to pry. And I wasn’t the type to pour out my troubles without a reason. Hence, we’d never had a conversation about him.

  And now was the time to say something. Because things were happening. He was ill and I was going to see him, to try and shake the bad dreams that were plaguing me, in the hopes I could be free of them and get back to the good life I’d had before they began. But it seemed a bit much to drop all that in a text. And even if I could, how would that go? What could I say? What the hell was I even doing? If I didn’t really know the answer to that myself, how could I explain to Penny?

  And if I could find the words, would I really ever want to say them to her? Her family life had been a little bumpy lately, but her parents had made a life with their daughter that was exactly like the one you were supposed to give your children, even if they’d made mistakes. They were a real family, flawed but normal. And my family life hadn’t been anything like that. I was afraid that if I tried to explain it, it would be yet another example of how broken my life had been before she’d come along. And the last thing I wanted to do at this moment was say ‘Well, if you thought I was fucked up before, wait till you hear this!’