by Natasha West
I turned and gave her a look of warning. I couldn’t understand why she was trying to rub the situation in Julia’s face.
‘Well, best of luck’ Julia said and turned, headed toward the bar. I noticed our publisher Jill was there, waiting for her. I waved and she waved back, surprised to see me. She’d asked me to come tonight and I’d said I wouldn’t. And she’d told me that if I were to win, the press would be useful to her company, young as it was. I’d told her I’d think about it but I don’t think she’d believed I’d be here.
I couldn’t believe it either.
As soon as Julia was out of earshot, and once I was sure David was busy chatting someone else up, I turned to Zara.
‘Why did you do that?’
‘Do what’ she asked faux innocently.
I looked at her and waited.
‘I don’t like how she treated you. I thought she deserved to know you’d moved on’ she confessed.
It was bad behaviour with a sweet motive. But she needed to know it wasn’t alright.
‘In future, I would prefer you let me decide how to deal with my ex, alright?’
Zara paused for a moment and I think she knew she’d misjudged the situation. She shrugged and said with an apologetic grin, ‘Sure. Sorry if I overstepped.’
It was hard to stay mad at her. ‘It’s alright.’
‘I think that’s the first time I’ve ever seen you angry. It was hot’ she said with naughty grin.
‘Was it?’ I asked, trying not to smile but finding it difficult. ‘Well, I’m sure it won’t be the last time.’
She laughed. ‘Probably not. But hopefully the last time tonight. I don’t want you angry at me on our first date. I’m planning to try and kiss you at the end of the night so that would really be a spanner in the works.’
I gave a shocked little laugh at her nerve. ‘You’re confident. What if I don’t want you to kiss me? Had you thought about that?’
‘What? Have you seen me in this dress?’ she asked incredulously and then did a spin in her purple, low cut dress. I had to admit, she did look great tonight.
I happened to glance over as I was laughing at her spin and I saw Julia. For a split second, I thought she was watching me. But she was talking to Jill and I realised I’d imagined it.
Still, it stopped me laughing.
‘I think you’re going to win’ Zara was saying. ‘I’ve been working my way through the other books on the shortlist and yours is easily the best.’
‘Shh. One of the other authors is going to hear you. And anyway, you’re wrong.’
‘How’s that?’ she said, leaning over the table to grab a gratis bottle of wine, refilling her glass. We were around midway through the awards, with six category winners announced already. Best Debut came after a break for everyone to get topped up. The crowd seemed quite drunk already but they weren’t slowing down.
I, on the other hand, was sticking to orange juice. I didn’t think I was going to win but on the off-chance I did, I wasn’t going up on stage three sheets to the wind, like some of the other authors. I didn’t really think there was anything wrong with it. I just knew I wouldn’t be able to pull it off.
‘There’s better books than mine on the list’ I told Zara.
‘Name one’ she demanded.
I thought of one book that I liked quite a bit, but I didn’t want to bring that up, being that it was the story of my own love affair with Julia.
But she read my silence easily. ‘If you’re going to mention Julia’s book…’
‘I wasn’t’ I said quickly.
‘…Then don’t’ she finished. ‘Because it’s not a patch on yours.’
I didn’t like her saying that. I’m not sure why.
‘Let’s not talk about that.’
‘Why?’ she asked. ‘I’m just being honest.’
‘And now’ a voice boomed out via mic ‘Let’s get this show back on the road with the next category. Best debut novel.’
I turned at the voice, feeling my hands prickle with a hot flood of electricity, which was odd. Did I actually want this silly award? And if I did, why did I? As I looked at Zara, who was grinning with excitement, I knew I didn’t want it for me. It was Zara. She’d been wanting this for me from that first press release. If it weren’t for her, I wouldn’t even be here. It was important to her. And I guess I wanted to get it to impress her.
The nominees were read out by the presenter, some cheesy actor who was announcing everything as though he were compèring the Oscars. When I heard my own name, the whole thing seemed rather bizarre. What was I doing here? I honestly didn’t know.
And then I heard Julia’s name and I instinctively looked around to find her. But I couldn’t see her. She wasn’t at her table; she wasn’t at the bar.
But I did see Jill, she was looking at the door to the room, which was just swinging shut, as though someone had fled it at speed.
And it was time to announce the winner.
‘And the best debut novel goes to… A Hard Lesson by Julia Hawke.’
Everyone clapped and I watched as someone went up to get the award. But it wasn’t Julia. It was Jill.
‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ I heard Zara say.
‘Hi’ Jill said nervously as the presenter handed her the glass trophy. ‘I’m sorry, Julia had to go, family emergency. But she’s asked me to come up and accept this award for her and to thank the voters…’
I’d stopped listening by that point. Family emergency? Julia didn’t have any family. Except for her dad.
‘This is bullshit’ Zara was saying.
‘Stop it, would you?’ I hushed her.
‘But you should have gotten it. Julia’s not even here, for fuck’s sake. She’s fucked off somewhere because she probably found out she’d won. Total power move not to accept your own award. What an arsehole.’
‘What? I don’t think that’s-’
‘That’s totally what she did, Penny.’
I shook my head at Zara but I was already tuning out of her rant. I was too busy worrying about Julia. Had her father died? Was that why she ran out?
I wished then that I was with her. And it wasn’t for me. It was because I didn’t know if anyone else would be there for her during this terrible time. Possibly because she wouldn’t let them be. She’d want to deal with this by herself. That was Julia.
But still, I didn’t want her to be alone.
‘Look, Zara. I’m sorry, but I have to go.’
‘Oh my god! Do not even tell me you’re going after her’ she said disbelievingly. ‘What the hell kind of doormat are you?’
I was angered by the doormat thing but I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt. It wasn’t too nice of me to run out on her, even if my reasons were good ones.
‘Zara, I’m pretty sure Julia’s dad has died. And if he hasn’t, he’s probably just about to.’
‘So?!’
I blinked. ‘What do you mean ‘So’?’
‘I mean; you’re split up so what difference does it make?’
‘You don’t stop caring about someone because you’re not with them anymore.’
She squinted at me cynically. ‘Actually, that exactly what you should do.’
My mouth fell open in shock. ‘You don’t mean that? Do you?’
I looked at her and I saw that she really did mean it. Once she was done with someone, once they had nothing to offer her, she threw them away.
‘Why did Pete leave the project, Zara? The real reason’ I asked her. It was a question that had been bothering me for a while. And now I thought there was a good reason it had. ‘It wasn’t another project, was it?’
Zara rolled her eyes ‘If you must know, his girlfriend got pregnant. And I knew I wouldn’t be able to count on his full attention to this project once the baby came. So I let him go. But I knew you wouldn’t really like that, because of how you are. You’re a ‘nice girl’. And I can’t always afford to be.’
My face must have
revealed my horror at seeing what lay underneath the charming creative who talked at speed about her passion for film. Because Zara knew she was exposed. Her amiable act was suddenly dropped. Her voice became chillingly flat. ‘Penny, I go after what I want. I told you that at the beginning. And you know what? If you want to go chasing after your ex like some loser, go ahead. She can have you. Because I don’t need you now. Since you didn’t get the award that means there’s going to have to be a little change in the credits for the movie.’
Shock after shock, they just kept coming.
‘What does that mean?’ I asked, dismayed.
‘Well, I was hoping this piss-ant award would help with the funding, make you seem like someone. But as it is, you’re a no-name. So I think it would be better for me to take the screenplay over, do a re-write myself. Don’t get me wrong, you really did do a good job. It’s a strong screenplay. But this business isn’t about talent, it’s about track record. And I think the investors would probably be happier with my name on this puppy. I’ve got a hit under my belt, after all.’
A few minutes ago, we’d been on a date. And now, I was simply an obstacle to Zara’s ambition. Thus, I was of no further use to her in any department.
The turnaround that had occurred in the last few minutes made my head spin with horror. I had a feeling Zara no longer had any interest in kissing me at the end of the night.
‘You can’t do that.’
‘Read your contract, Penny’ she said with satisfaction. ‘You’re contracted to do one draft and from there I can have you do another or fire you.’
She took a sip of her wine and sat back, looking pleased with herself. I was dumbfounded at the change. How had I missed this? The real Zara.
Despite my shock, I suddenly remembered that I’d been on my way out of here. And the place and person I’d been running to mattered a lot more than Zara’s sociopathic dog-eat-dog crap. Whether Julia and I were together or not, I was going to make it right with her, be there. Because Zara was wrong. It wasn’t just what you could get out of a relationship that mattered. It was what you were willing to give when there was no reward. That was caring about a person. That was love.
I promised myself I wouldn’t forget that as I raced after Julia.
Chapter Twenty-One
‘And how does that make you feel?’
I was sick of that question. I’d heard it too many times. But as I sat with my therapist, Greg, I knew I was going to have to answer it again. Because being here was not about what I wanted, it was about what I had to do.
‘It makes me want to tell him to go fuck himself, actually.’
I was talking about a letter I’d received, from my father. It was a plea to come and see him, with the implication that the end was close.
‘Does it?’ Greg asked doubtfully. The bastard. He had a way of making me say things just by twitching his moustache. It was like his facial hair was daring me to tell the truth.
‘Yes, it does’ I said. And then admitted ‘But it also makes me think that I should probably go and see the old fucker.’
‘And why’s that?’
I shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. For closure, I guess.’
‘But you’re conflicted?’
I knew where this was going. He would ever so gently suggest that I should go. And I knew what my reaction would be. I’d argue all the reasons I didn’t want to. But in the end, Greg would gently probe until I ended up arguing with myself. And then I’d talk myself round to exactly what he wanted me to do. Or I guess it was really what he knew I secretly needed to do, more accurately.
The conclusion was inevitable. I would have to do it or spend the rest of my life regretting it. It wasn’t much of a choice.
‘Greg, I kind of hate you sometimes. Do you know that?’
‘I do’ Greg said and smiled. ‘I’ve decided to take it as proof that I’m pushing you enough.’
I sighed. ‘Yeah. I guess that’s true. Thank you’ I added grudgingly. And that was time on the session.
I was glad, I needed to get home, I had an event to get ready for. And I’d need to look my best if I had any chance of braving the damn thing.
Jill, relax’ I instructed my publisher ‘I’m coming, alright? I’m literally in a cab right now.’
‘You are?’ she said, astounded. ‘Well, miracles will never cease.’
Jill had a right to her surprise. I’d been saying I wasn’t going to this award thing for the whole of the last four months. And she’d been begging me to change my mind, explaining that as a fledgling company, she needed to grab every last bit of free press she could. I told her that she was free to go and on the off-chance that I won she could collect the award for me, but her reply was ‘Julia, you’re photogenic and I hate to say this, but that matters sometimes. A picture of you getting this award could be really useful.’
It had been a tug of war but I’d thought my reserve was pretty iron clad. But now, somehow, I was en route to the awards.
I suppose I simply didn’t want to let Jill down. She’d done me enough favours in the past, after all. She’d been the one to take a chance on me when I was locked out of the publishing world. And she’d read Penny’s book without a single protest when I’d asked her to. So I’d decided today, with the deadline looming, that I couldn’t very well let her down when the kindness she was asking was so relatively small.
Even if it might cost me a lot more than she could possibly realise. Because in all likelihood, Penny was going to be there tonight. I didn’t know how I was going to handle that. Four months of therapy had certainly been useful to me, but those months had not taught me how to look Penny in the eye.
I’d thought many times about writing to her. I wanted to explain that although she had wanted to end things, that I didn’t hold it against her and that I wished her well. But that wasn’t all. I also wanted to explain why I’d been behaving like I had in those final weeks. Because therapy had made me realise what I’d been doing in that time. It was clear to me that I’d been sabotaging us. I wanted her to know she hadn’t deserved it.
Because I didn’t think it was really her fault that she’d left me. It wasn’t her mother’s fault either. It wasn’t even my father’s fault, at the end of the day. I’d made all this happen. Not that I thought Penny had been perfectly behaved, toward the end. She’d had her own part to play in the gap that had grown between us. But I knew, in my heart, I could have stopped it at any time. All I’d had to do was talk to her.
I could have told her when I got the letter about my father. I could have explained about my block and not made her guess. I could have been more explicit about what her mother had said to me and why it had worried me. But I hadn’t done any of those things. What I’d chosen to do instead was to cling to miserable thoughts, keeping them to myself, pretending that I was protecting Penny from them. But what I was really doing was protecting myself. From Penny. Keeping myself safe with a layer of insulation, making sure she’d never really be able to get through it.
Here, I’d been worrying that I’d do something big to wreck things with Penny. Like cheat or manipulate to get what I wanted. Instead, I’d done it in the smallest of ways. I hadn’t taken a wrecking ball to the relationship. I’d chipped away at it with a chisel, eroding our foundation until we crumbled to dust.
When Penny had come back to me last year, I’d thought I was finally ready for her but I’d been kidding myself. I didn’t know if I ever would be. Was I even capable? Would I simply always be my father’s daughter?
These were the questions I had to deal with. And I was trying to answer them, I really was. But I could not honestly say that I felt close to being some better version of myself, a real person who knew how to love another person properly. I didn’t know if there was enough therapy in the world to accomplish that.
The taxi pulled up in front of The Veil and I paid the driver and stepped out, wandering if I’d made a really stupid mistake in agreeing to do this.
Bu
t then I locked eyes with Jill, waiting for me outside the entrance, and there was no running away.
‘Are you happy with your representation?’ David Kelsey, Penny’s agent, was asking me as he sipped his free champagne, trying to make it sound like a casual question.
‘I’m pretty sure poaching clients breaches some kind of etiquette, David’ I told him.
‘Yes, it does’ he agreed. ‘Which is why I’m not doing that. But I just want to give you my card and then you can think about what you want to do. You see, I’m not trying to convince you or taking you to expensive lunches. I’m simply asking if you’re happy with Carol. No breach.’
I nodded, glad for Penny that she had herself such a smart agent. But I had no intention of moving to him. Penny, who occasionally needed a push, would no doubt benefit from his terrier attitude. My agent, Carol, was quiet but there when needed. She didn’t shark for me because she knew it wasn’t what I wanted. I liked to be left to my own devices, to do my own sharking if I so decided. Which I didn’t. It worked for me.
‘Thanks David’ I said and took his card. I’d be throwing it away later.
And then I saw David turn and wave at someone. I knew who it was before I turned around. David kissed her on the cheek and muttered something to her and then she turned to me with a ‘Hi.’
‘Penny’ I said, trying to feel as calm as I wanted to be as I kissed her cheek. She looked surprised by the kiss and didn’t respond to it. ‘How are you?’ I asked her, hoping for a real answer. But all she said was ‘Fine.’
I wasn’t particularly heartened by Penny’s response to my presence but what happened next was even worse. I realised that Zara was behind Penny, dressed to kill. What the hell was she doing here? I had a feeling I knew but I really wanted to be proven wrong. And then she introduced herself with a smug ‘How’s it going?’
I gave her a brief answer and returned the question and what happened next destroyed me.
Zara grabbed Penny around the waist and said ‘Never better.’
So that’s how it was. If I’d disliked Zara before, I loathed her now. I wondered how long it had been going on. Penny and I had been split for four months and even though I had made an early attempt at fucking her out of my system, I’d failed at it. My heart physically hurt to know Penny wasn’t finding it so difficult.
