by Natasha West
I know that the adult response was to be happy for her, if she was happy. But show me the person who’s happy to see that someone they love has forgotten them so easily and I’ll show you a liar.
I thought I saw Penny give Zara a look, no doubt telling her to dial it back. It was nice, in a way. She cared if I was hurt. Still, I felt like my legs were about to give way so I made my excuses to David, Penny and Zara and went back to Jill at the bar.
‘Was that David Kelsey you were talking to?’ she asked.
‘What?’ I said, still trying to collect myself. ‘Oh, yes. Trying to poach me from Carol.’
She gasped. ‘Are you sure?’
I shrugged. ‘Come on, Jill. Not exactly hot gossip. You know what agents are.’
‘No’ she said with a head shake. ‘If he’s come here today and gone straight for you, he probably knows something.’
‘Knows something?’
‘About the award.’
‘You think so?’ I replied, uninterested. It was just industry prattle, everyone trying to read everyone else, everyone trying to find an advantage.
‘I’m telling you. He’s got insider information.’ She watched David wandering about and then finally said ‘I think you’ve won.’
If she was right, the assessment gave me mixed feelings. It wasn’t that I minded if I had won, it would be hard to say it wouldn’t have been a slight pick-me-up at a rough time. But that would be in less complex circumstances, which these were not.
Penny had accused me of jealousy at having to share this category with her once upon a time. But having had some time to process it, that wasn’t my reaction to the news. I thought she deserved an award, certainly, and I didn’t think she wasn't working at my level, so there was none of that. It was the idea of beating Penny that made it feel horrid.
If I really had won, it was over Penny. I’d have to stand up on the little stage and speak into the microphone while I accepted my piece of glass and I’d have to look out at her, knowing she was disappointed. There was nothing good that I could feel about that. Not a thing.
I looked over at Penny, laughing with Zara. And then she looked over at me and we caught each other’s eye. Just for a second. And I watched her smile fade.
I turned away, back to Jill. She read the misery on my face in a split second.
‘What’s the matter’ Jill asked suspiciously. ‘You should be just a little bit pleased, shouldn’t you? Or is this about-’
‘Who’s on the panel for this thing?’ I asked Jill.
She glanced around and then pointed at a table. ‘That collection over there’ she said, pointing at the group.
‘Right’ I said. ‘Back in a second.’
I ignored Jill’s confused pleas for explanation and walked over to the table, sitting down.
‘So’ I said, grabbing a bottle from the middle of the table and taking a swig directly from it. ‘You’re the clowns who decide who the shiny baubles go to.’
The group at the table (three guys, one woman, all moneyed looking) stared at me in shock.
‘Well, I want to tell you right now that you don’t know your arse from your elbow. I deserve this award. Me. And if you don’t give it to me, I’m going to cause such a scene, it’ll make your head spin’ I threatened them, conjuring as much bravado as I could muster.
‘Well’ said one of the men angrily. ‘I’m sure we’ll take that into account.’
Bingo.
‘Good. Because I’m the best writer here’ I bragged audaciously. ‘And I want the chance to tell everyone that when you give me my award. And the rest of these no talents-’
‘Julia!’ a voice cried from behind me. Shit. It was Jill.
The panel, who looked like they wanted to lynch me from the lights, looked up at my publisher.
‘I’m sorry everyone, but you shouldn’t pay any attention to all this nonsense. She’s trying to make sure she doesn’t get this award because one of the other nominees is her girlfriend. Or former girlfriend, anyway.’
Damn Jill. She was far too perceptive.
‘She’s wrong’ I pleaded to the group. ‘I really do think I deserve it. And I will definitely pitch a fit if you don’t…’
But it was too late. They were all laughing. The man who’d gotten so angry at me before clapped me on the shoulder and said ‘Good god. Just when you think you’ve seen it all. Writers, eh? Leave the drama on the page, would you?’
Fuck.
Jill pulled me away from the table like a naughty child.
‘Right, I think you owe me quite a lot of drinks, don’t you? she said angrily.
‘Jill, I’m sorry. I just lost my head’ I said, genuinely. One look at Penny and I’d forgotten why I’d come in the first place. I owed Jill. Someone was getting hurt, no matter what I did. And since I’d lost my opportunity to give Penny a shot at the prize, my allegiances had to go back to Jill. I would troop up to the stage like a good girl and thank the bejesus out of her on stage.
That was what I thought, anyway. Before my phone rang an hour later.
‘Jules’ a voice said breathlessly. ‘Is that you?’
The compere was talking loudly into his mic so I struggled to hear but there was only one person who could be calling me in such a state. ‘Edward?’
‘I’m sorry to tell you this but your father’s in a bad way. I know you said you shouldn’t come back but if there’s any chance you’ll change your mind, it’s got to be now.’
I squeezed my eyes shut, frustrated, scared. I’d thought I’d have a little more time than this. But as ever, time didn’t care what I wanted. It kept doing whatever the hell it wanted to do.
‘OK, Teddy’ I said, using the version of his name I’d sworn not to. But his brother was about to die so it seemed childish to keep that up. ‘I’m coming. I’ll be there as quick as I can.’
‘Thanks, Jules’ he said with a trembling voice. ‘Can I tell him that? I think he’d like to know you’re going to come.’
‘Yes. Tell him I’m coming. Tell him to hold on.’
I hung up the phone and turned to Jill. The woman couldn’t catch a break tonight.
‘Jill’ I said. ‘My father is dying; he has been for a while but I think this is really it. He wants me to see him. Could you forgive me if I left right now?’
Her mouth fell open and I thought for a second she was going to tell me to stop making excuses and simply collect my award. But she didn’t.
‘Julia! Why didn’t you tell me? Get the hell out of here!’
‘But what about the award? I thought you needed my face?’
‘Fuck the award’ she said genuinely, turning me around and shoving me in the direction of the exit. I loved her right then. I called ‘Jill, you’re the best’ over my should as I ran out. Somewhere in the distance, I thought I heard someone say my name through a speaker but I was already out the door by then.
Outside, I desperately tried to flag down a cab but there was none in sight. Minutes went by and I was still standing on the pavement, wasting time that I didn’t have.
I kept looking though, searching the nearest lane for a free cab, when I spotted one coming the other way, just as it drew level with me. But I was too late to catch his eye. I shouted but he didn’t hear. He was getting away. I began to chase him, running out into the thankfully quiet road. But I couldn’t keep up, my legs no match for the internal combustion engine.
And then he abruptly screeched to a halt. I ran up to the car and saw that the driver was looking out of his windscreen at someone standing in front of the car, arms spread, blocking him from going anywhere.
It was Penny.
We both gawped at her as she ran around to the passenger side, opening the door for me, pushing me in. I went along with it, still perplexed by her appearance.
‘I saw him before you did. Thought you might need a hand getting his attention’ Penny said breathlessly as she jumped into the taxi with me. I hadn’t said a word yet.
Penn
y turned to the cabbie and said ‘Sorry about that! Family emergency. We need to get to the train station’ she said and then turned to me. ‘Is that right? Train station?’
I nodded mutely.
‘Right’ she said. ‘As you were, driver. And would you step on it, please?’ she asked the shocked taxi driver sweetly. He did as he was told and we were off.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Julia was still staring at me as the last train of the night to Felton pulled out of the station. I’ve never seen her look so utterly at sixes and sevens. I supposed part of it was her general emotional state about her father. But the other part must have been at least the semi-surprise at seeing me jump into the taxi with her and bark orders at the driver. Still, that was alright. I’d made myself useful, which meant I was earning my passage. Although I did wonder when Julia was going to ask what the hell I thought I was doing hijacking the journey.
But I swore to myself that no matter what she said to me, I would stick with her.
Eventually, she cracked. ‘Penny, I’ve got to ask… What the hell are you doing here?’
I shrugged and flicked the page of the paper I’d found on the seat next to me. ‘I don’t know; just thought you might like the company.’
‘But…’
I looked up.
‘Yes, I know we’ve split. I don’t care. I’m here anyway. Alright?’
She looked like she was thinking about arguing but then she seemed to change her mind. Instead, she looked out of the window at the dark horizon.
‘Thanks’ she said quietly without looking at me.
‘You’re welcome.’
And we didn’t say anything else for the rest of the journey.
A few hours later, near midnight, and we’d made our way to the hospice where Julia’s father waited.
At the door to his room, we were met by a man who was undoubtedly related to Julia. The Hawke genes were obvious even from a distance. Strong profile, thick dark hair.
‘Jules’ he cried out in relief. ‘You made it.’
‘He’s still…?’ she said.
The man, who looked dog-tired, nodded. I couldn’t tell if Julia was relieved or not to know she was in time. She turned to me and said ‘I have to do this bit alone.’
I wondered if I should insist on coming in but I thought she was right. This part had to be private. ‘OK’ I agreed.
‘Would you wait for me?’
I nodded, feeling oddly tearful. This wasn’t happening to me, but for a moment, it felt as though it were. Julia was going in that room to say goodbye to a man who’d impacted her life in all sorts of ways that I couldn’t begin to fathom. Though he was a stranger to me, he seemed like someone of unbelievable significance in my life and he was about to vanish. I wanted to weep for him.
Julia turned away from me and faced the door. She didn’t walk in immediately. But she didn’t wait as long as I would have before she finally twisted the door handle and went in, closing the door behind her.
I was left in the hall with Julia’s relative.
‘Hi’ he said. ‘I’m Teddy, Jules’s uncle.’
‘Penny. I’m a friend of Julia’s. I’ve just come because…’ I began, wanting to explain my presence at this very sensitive family moment. But Teddy stopped me.
‘I’m glad you’re here, that Julia’s got someone with her. Because she didn’t learn that from her dad, I can tell you that much’ he said emotionally.
‘What do you mean?’ I asked.
He sighed. ‘She hasn’t said? I love him, he’s my brother, but he didn’t do right by her at all. He’s not very good at being… I don’t know… There, I guess.’
I’d met this man two minutes ago but he was spilling his family history to me. I could completely understand why. This wasn’t a moment for propriety. It was grief.
‘He cheated on Julia’s mother, many times over, left when Jules was young, made a bunch of promises about seeing her but I don’t think he kept a one. I think he finds it hard because he could never be what people wanted him to be’ Teddy continued, rubbing at his cried out eyes. ‘He tends to let people down. So I think he always thought it was better to let people go rather than hang onto them and keep hurting them.’
So that was it. That was why I’d never heard about Julia’s father before. It was a damaged relationship and she hadn’t wanted to discuss him.
I sat down on a row of chairs in the hall. ‘I didn’t know any of this.’
‘Maybe she’s not so different, then’ Teddy said thoughtfully. ‘But she brought you today, so that’s something. Isn’t it?’ he asked me hopefully.
‘I think it is. Yes.’
He nodded and then sat down next to me on the seat and we stayed like that for several minutes, quietly sitting together.
Eventually, the door opened and Julia came out. ‘He’s asking for you’ she said to Teddy. Teddy nodded and went in, stroking a tender hand over Julia’s shoulder as he passed her.
After he’d gone in, Julia sat down next to me. She looked devastated. A few seconds of silence passed and then Julia said ‘I can’t believe you came.’
‘Where else would I be?’
‘With Zara.’
I shook my head at the thought of her. ‘No. And I wasn’t exactly with her, anyway. We were on a first date. But it didn’t really pan out. I don’t think she’s right for me.’
‘And why is that?’ Julia asked gently.
It wasn’t the time to get into the person I’d found out that Zara was so I shrugged. ‘Too short’ I said.
Julia laughed lightly. ‘That’s true, she is quite short.’
‘And I’m not that tall either so how would I ever reach a high shelf?’
I think Julia probably knew there was more to the story and I’d tell her later if she wanted to ask. But for now, there was too much going on.
A while later, several nurses abruptly appeared in the hallway and ran into Julia’s dad’s room. Julia stood as though she were thinking about going in. But she didn’t. She sat down instead and we simply listened as the nurses called things to each other in the closed room.
Eventually, the nurses came back out, along with Teddy. Julia stood for the news. Teddy gave Julia a short nod. It was clear enough. Julia’s dad was gone.
A tear slipped down her face. It was the first I’d ever seen. And then her behaviour surprised me even more. She turned and grabbed me, pushing her face into my neck, where she began to sob.
I held onto her, wanting to make everything better but knowing that I couldn’t make anything right at all. But I’d hold her, for as long as she wanted. I could do that at least.
Chapter Twenty-Three
It was gone two in the morning and I was incredibly grateful to fall into the last bed that the Hotel Express had available that night, my body and mind worn out from everything that had happened. We’d been lucky to find a room at such a late hour. Actually, luck had little to do with it. Penny had called practically every hotel that would pick up its phone until she’d found a bed for us. It was a double, which we’d be sharing. But of course, I didn’t care much about that. The very last thing on my mind was trying to seduce Penny.
We quietly stripped out of our evening wear and climbed into bed without looking at each other until we were safely under the covers.
‘Goodnight’ Penny said and switched off her bedside lamp, turning the other way. I switched mine off too, but I didn’t go to sleep. I couldn’t despite my exhaustion.
My brain wouldn’t switch off. I kept thinking about my father, and the last conversation we’d ever have.
‘Dad,’ I’d said to the semi-conscious man in the bed. His eyes opened slowly. ‘I’m here.’
‘You came back’ he muttered softly. ‘I’m so glad you came back. I don’t know why I said what I said last time. I should have just said I was sorry, explained why I didn’t come back for you, why I-’
‘No’ I assured him. ‘You don’t need to explain anything at
all. I know you’re sorry. And I’m not angry at you anymore.’
You might think I was lying to a dying man, to give him peace in the final moments of his life. But on the journey to Felton, something had happened to me. There was no firewall of anger there now, it had dropped away. And I could see his mistakes for what they really were. Just that. Mistakes.
Because I knew him. Even after all this time, I knew him. Because part of him was me and it always had been. I’d thought that was a curse, but in this room, on this night, it was a blessing that I never could have guessed at. I saw him for all he was and all he wasn’t. He’d deserted me and that was a pain that I’d carried all these years but now it was easy for me to see what was behind his leaving. He hadn’t gone because he didn’t love me, but because he’d loved me too much to keep hurting me and he’d believed that leaving was the best he could do for me. It was so clear suddenly. Because I’d done the same thing, time and again. How could I not understand him?
And that meant I was free, that I didn’t have to be angry. Not for me, not for my mother. I could let it go. We could both find some peace.
All there was left to do now was say one thing. ‘I love you, dad.’
His body seemed to relax then and he reached out a hand, taking mine and squeezing it. ‘I love you too, Jules. Thank you for coming. You’ll never know what it’s meant. But you should go now.’
‘No’ I protested. ‘I’m staying.’
‘Please’ he begged. ‘I never gave you anything but I want to give you this. Don’t stay for what comes next. Your uncle will be with me.’
I wanted to argue with him but I couldn’t. It was a last request. I had no choice but to grant it.
So then I left him. To die with his brother by his side while I waited outside.
And when it was all over, there was no chance I could hold down my tears. And I didn’t want to. I did something I wouldn’t have expected of myself, I turned to Penny and held onto her while I cried. I can’t explain why. I hadn’t seen her in four months and tonight we’d barely spoken. But it still felt OK somehow to lean on her. Because she’d been strong for me when I couldn’t be.
