CHAPTER
TWENTY-FOUR
I step from the cab, straightening my stiff black dress. Kevin steps out after me. His suit is traditional black and white, something I’d never expect my colorful friend to wear, but today it’s fitting.
My heels dig into the fake grass leading to the group of people waiting for the funeral to start. Marilyn is already there.
I kiss her cheek in greeting.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many people in one place,” she remarks.
I smile fondly. “He was an incredible man. I’m not surprised.”
“How’s Doris?” Marilyn asks, linking arms with me.
“She’s really strong, but you can tell she’s barely keeping it together.”
Like a magnet, my eyes find Benjamin immediately. He’s talking with Doris and the minister. As if he can sense me there, he excuses himself and heads for us. His suit is perfectly tailored to his muscular form. The black suit, much like Kevin’s apart from the price tag, looks strikingly handsome on him.
Things between Benjamin and I as of late have been wary and distant, but during moments like right now, where his eyes are on no one but me, I can’t help but glow. It’s been days since that argument in his apartment, and while we settled everything, it did bring a barrier up. He is keeping things from me, I know that. I just hope one day he can trust me with everything.
I want to be a person he can count on.
I blush, feeling gazes on us as he presses his lips to mine. He addresses Kevin and Marilyn. “Thanks for coming.”
Kevin stuffs his hands into his pockets. “Can we just sit anywhere or is there a seating chart?”
“You may sit anywhere. It’s an open ceremony,” Benjamin replies.
Kevin and Marilyn go take a seat in the back.
I take Benjamin’s hand hesitantly and ask him whether we are sitting together, loathing that I’m unsure of what his answer will be.
His brows turn up as if he doesn’t understand what I’m asking. “Of course, Darcy.”
Doris comes up behind him. “Hello, Darcy.”
I walk up and hug her. Her arms come around me tightly. “Doris, you look beautiful.”
She chuckles, scoffing. “I don’t feel very beautiful.”
“Would I lie to you?”
I manage to bring a slight smile to her face. “No, you wouldn’t.”
The minister begins to speak and Doris’s face falls.
I take her hand and walk up with her to take her to her seat. Her son Henry is waiting for her. After she sits, I turn to leave, but she urges me back. “Stay with me, please.”
I take a seat, and Benjamin sits down next to me.
The service goes by in a blur, and the whole time I’m wishing this wasn’t happening. That Arthur were still here. That Doris wasn’t alone. That I could still come over to see him for Saturday night dinners.
I’m pulled from the dream-like daze when Doris stands next to me and lets go of my hand. Her wedding bands sparkle against the coffin in the sunlight, caressing the wood. She leans down and presses her lips to the mahogany. My lips tremble.
It’s a couple seconds before I hear her quivering voice.
“Arthur and I met in grade school. We were in the same class. One day, I had stupidly dropped cola all over my new dress…I was a transfer student and didn’t have any friends at that school yet.”
She takes in a deep breath. “I was so embarrassed and everyone saw it happen. Well, Art, the most popular kid at the time, came over and handed me napkins. He told me the nurse had extra clothes in her office and he escorted me there. It may seem like an insignificant story but,” she shrugs, “I knew from that moment, I don’t know how, but I knew I would love him for-forever.”
Her voice breaks and she starts to cry. I clench my hands together on my lap.
“He gave me so much. A wedding, a home, a son. I never had much to give him apart from my heart. He’s always had it. He cherished it throughout these fifty-four years, and I’ll always be grateful to him for that.” She wipes under her nose with the tissue, her hands shaking.
“Arthur, you gave me a fairy tale kind of love, one people only dream of. Keep my heart close. It will always be yours.”
As she sits down, my stomach is churning with so many different emotions. We all stand while his coffin is lowered into the ground.
I know the image of Doris and her son clutching each other well after the ceremony ended will stay with me forever.
***
The wake is being held at Benjamin’s apartment since Doris still hasn’t gone into her house. The ambiance of the party is heavy and full of grief. Arthur was loved by many. Now he’s missed by many. Doris has been in the guest room for an hour. She hasn’t had the strength to come out. I’ve been walking around in a daze, unable to get the words she said out of my head. They’re eating at my insides.
I’m envious of the love they shared. Over fifty years of admiration, loyalty, trust. Her words struck a chord within me, the one I’ve been trying to silence.
I step out onto Benjamin’s large balcony. No one is outside since it’s practically an uninhabitable temperature, but I want nothing more than to be alone.
I sit down on one of the seats facing the skyline, trying not to think about how high in the sky I am at the moment.
It really doesn’t matter how much I open up to him. It doesn’t matter if he knows every part of me, because until he accepts what he feels, he’ll never be able to open his heart to me. I can tell he wants to…but something is holding him back.
And it’s going to destroy us.
About fifteen minutes later, someone places a warm blanket on my shoulders. I don’t have to check to know it’s Benjamin.
“Doris just saw you out here. She’s worried.”
“She’s always worrying about everyone but herself.”
“It’s a good and bad quality,” he says, sitting down beside me. “I’ve been worried since we arrived, I just haven’t known what to say.”
I purse my lips. “Me either.”
“I know why you’re upset and I understand. I do.” I look over at him. His lips turn up sadly. “I only began to really know him when he got sick. I wanted to be there for Doris. I wish I had been around them when I was growing up. I don’t see how someone can fake what I saw today. I see what it is that you want.”
I stare down at my feet. “Could we ever have that? Even a small piece of what they had?”
“I have trust issues, I know. I’m cold and I put my business before everything. I don’t speak to my family. There is something inside of me that is resisting, that is scared to be with you. All I know for sure right now is that it would kill me if you were able to have that with someone else.” He reaches across to move a strand of hair from in front of my eyes. “It would kill me. Just saying it out loud is making my heart race. I hate that you’ve been with other people. I hate that I’ve been with other people.” He cups my face and my breath catches, my hands quivering against my thighs. “I just wish I had met you in grade school. I wish that it had only ever been us.”
“But it hasn’t. That doesn’t change the fact that I love you, Benjamin. You’re the only man who’s ever made me feel safe. When we’re together, I’m not alone anymore, but when you pull away from me, I’m completely lost. I don’t know what to do…how to make you understand.”
My lips have begun trembling, so I bite down on the flesh to keep the tears at bay.
“Just give me some time, Darcy. This is all so new to me. I’ve never thought about someone other than myself. It’s daunting to realize someone else is depending on me. Just please, tell me you won’t give up on me yet.”
My head is resting on his chest, his arms tight around me. I nod and clutch his dress shirt.
“I’m here, Benjamin.”
CHAPTER
TWENTY-FIVE
Benjamin
“What are you still doing out here?” Doris asks softly, closing the
sliding doors to my balcony. “It’s three a.m.”
“Can’t sleep.” I move my poker through the small fire in the fire pit, trying to keep it alive.
“Where’s Darcy?” Doris is swaddled in a blanket, so I figure she’s come out on a mission. She’s not leaving for a while.
“She’s sleeping in the bedroom.”
“She stayed…that’s good.” She smiles. “I’m happy you two are finally together. You deserve it.”
“No. She deserves better than me. I don’t deserve anything,” I mutter bitterly.
“How can you say that?” Doris snaps. “You are one of the most generous people I know, Benjamin. Just look at what you’ve done for me.”
“I hate it when people say that.” I shake my head, knowing she’s completely wrong and being blinded by my money.
“Why?”
“Because I’m not a good person. I tear people’s lives away from their hands for a living, Doris, and the worst part is I honestly don’t have it in me to stop.”
“You have helped many companies,” she argues defensively.
I snort a laugh. “I’ve made my money doing the opposite. I can literally give that woman the world, but it’s still not enough.”
“Why not?”
“Because I won’t tell her that I love her.”
“Do you love her?”
Ah, the infamous question.
“If I do, I don’t like the feeling.”
“What are you feeling?” Doris asks curiously.
“Terrified.”
“It shouldn’t be that terrifying, Benjamin. I know your parents had problems…” I look away, feeling the familiar hatred that runs deep through my chest whenever they are mentioned. “I know they really messed up when Daniel passed. But they got married for the wrong reasons. They married for money. Marriage is not always like that.”
“I realized that today,” I murmur.
“There is no better feeling than someone staring at you like you’re still twenty while your skin is saying you’re fifty, Benjamin.”
I wish my mind, my heart, would listen, and I could suddenly be a better man.
“My company is in jeopardy, Doris,” I admit, knowing I shouldn’t be telling anyone what’s been hovering over my mind the past week.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m in jeopardy. An account we’ve been pursuing for over a year now…I don’t know if you remember it—SECRO.”
“I do,” she replies.
“I told Jack to search into them about a month ago, make sure they were a solid company to pursue. He didn’t search hard enough.”
“What did you find?”
“Child labor violations. It didn’t take long for me to find out that they are hiring children. They pay them barely anything and make them work over twelve hours a day. There are more than thirty of them employed in just the Los Angeles location.”
“Oh my god. Ben, you have to tell the police.”
“I did, and they have been exposed. Unfortunately, my company is about to undergo investigations because we pursued them so ardently. I fucked up letting Jack supervise that deal, and now I may lose everything.”
“Jesus.”
“It won’t even matter when it gets out that we’re clean. Just this getting into the news will have our current clients backing out, not to mention our investors. The stock market…” I shake my head, which is throbbing.
“I’m so sorry, Ben. Now I understand the tension. I didn’t know what it was that was troubling you.”
“I should let Darcy go. I know I should. She doesn’t deserve to go through this. She’s been through enough.”
“She’ll stand by you, Benjamin.”
“I know she will.” That’s what’s frightening.
“Trust her. Tell her about this.”
I rub the back of my neck. “The other day, we were fighting. I was being a complete asshole as usual and she just wanted to help. I ended up practically throwing her out, Doris. I told her to go. I should have let her, but I couldn’t. I don’t know what’s changed. I see a possibility now where I can imagine being happy with her, and—”
“Let’s just cut the bullshit now, Ben.” I look up at her in shock. Expletives from Doris? This is unheard of.
“You are head over heels for that girl. I don’t care how many times you deny it, how many times you say you don’t know. You are probably more in love with her than she is with you! What you’ve been telling me right now confirms that, so why don’t you just put aside your fears and this lie you’ve been telling yourself all your life and just give in to it!”
“Doris, it’s not that easy.”
“Love is easy!” she exclaims, flailing her arms. “I know a thing or two about it, and let me tell you if you just let it happen, it is the easiest, most wonderful thing to experience. Can you honestly sit here and tell me you can imagine your life now without her in it?”
No.
“Can you see her with other people and not feel your heart sink to your gut?
No.
“Can you imagine yourself with other people?”
No…
She lifts her arms in an I-told-you-so gesture.
Holy shit.
I think my heart has dropped next to my feet. The world is spinning around me.
“I-I can’t tell her.”
Her eyes bloodshot and swollen, Doris insists, “Why not?”
“Because she won’t leave me after that. She’ll stay.”
“I don’t get it,” she says, confused. “You don’t want her to leave.”
I think about Darcy’s past. She can’t be thrown to the public…it’s too dangerous. With all the police surrounding us, she could be discovered.
Doris stands. “Darling, all I can say is that she looks at you like I looked at Arthur. And most people never get the pleasure of knowing that look.” She leans down to kiss my cheek. “You do deserve love, Ben. Take it.”
I’m suddenly alone in the dark, the fire burned out.
I don’t know how long I remain there, but by the time I reevaluate where I am, dawn is breaking. My hands go into my hair, tugging. I’ll soon be bald if my life continues spinning out of control the way it has been.
The only safe place to bring me back to reality is the thought of Darcy in the next room.
She’s fine. Nothing’s happened yet. I can take care of her. I can figure out a way to keep her from the police…I have to. Since I can’t let her go, I have to.
I stand up, knowing I have to go tell her everything.
Right now.
I can’t wait any longer.
I need to tell her that I’ll keep her safe.
I need to tell her that she matters above all else, that I won’t ever let her go.
I need to tell her…that I love her.
Acknowledgements
I’d like to thank the entire team at Limitless Publishing for taking a chance on Benjamin and Darcy. You all are rockstars at what you do and I couldn’t be more grateful. Thank you especially to Lydia, Lori, and Dixie who worked tirelessly to make sure I got the best experience with their company. And an ultra-special thanks to Felicia, who edited the heck out of this book and had to deal with my crazy love for cuss words.
Thank you Deranged Doctor Design for the kick-ass cover.
A big thanks to everyone at Ed Morse Cadillac Tampa, who have dealt with this receptionists long dazes into literary space for years now. Thanks for letting me pursue my passion, even on the job.
To Wattpad and every person on it who has spent even a moment reading my stories: Thank you for re-igniting my love for books, for writing. So many of you I consider true friends, who have supported me through good and bad. I am so grateful to have found this site and you beautiful, beautiful people.
To my friends and family, near and far: I’d be lost without you.
Fiona Keane: Thank you for your positivity and support throughout these past years. I met you on Wattpa
d, and I am so glad our paths crossed so sweetly. You are the epitome of talent and a beautiful friend. You have helped me more than you know.
Nanny, Tata & Papa Abuelo: I couldn’t ask for better grandparents. I love you forever.
My sister, Tatyana: You’re the person who has spent countless hours with me conjuring up the craziest plot lines and I really love you for putting up with me. You’re the best partner-in-crime ever.
And lastly, Mom: You are my role model in everything I do. Thank you for always believing in me, always encouraging me to be my best self. I owe everything to you.
About the Author
Her life consumed by Wattpad, Scottish Romances and Walt Disney World, Alicia Marino attempts to find a piece of magic in everything. She blames (and owes) Jane Austen for igniting her desire to search for evidence of that forever type of love. Settled in not-so-sunny Florida and a classic introvert, she thrives off of rainy days paired with a good book and a glass of whiskey. At twenty-three years old, she has a lot to learn and is damn excited about it.
Facebook:
https://m.facebook.com/Alicia-Marino-405018186682040/?ref=bookmarks
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https://mobile.twitter.com/aliciamarino10
Goodreads:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/40308537-consumed-by-you
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https://www.wattpad.com/user/AliciaMarino/about
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