For I Have Sinned: Bastian and Rob 1 (Southern Sin)

by Julia McBryant

  “Bastian?” Rob wanted something so much.

  “Mmm-hmmm?”

  “Shut the fuck up and get upstairs. And take your goddamn clothes off.”

  Bastian pounded up the stairs. Rob waited a bit and followed him. He found Bastian on his knees, head bowed. He clasped his hands behind his back and his hair flopped over his forehead, pretty lips pouted out. God, what a picture. Not today, though. “Get in bed, Bastian.”

  Bastian scrambled under the covers, all big dark eyes, dark hair, pale skin and freckles, waiting as Rob stripped. When Rob climbed in next to him, Bastian was all over him immediately. “Shhhh.” Rob kissed his forehead. “Shhhh, kelpie. Can’t you ever do it slow, boy?”

  “Slow’s boring, Daddy.” Bastian smirked.

  “Bastian?”

  “What?”

  “Shut up.” Rob kissed him, holding Bastian’s face with one hand and slipping the other under his head and around to hold his back. He played with Bastian’s lips, sucking them carefully, one after the other. When he nipped, Bastian sighed and cuddled closer. Rob sucked his lower lip gently and broke off the kiss. “Do you think you can try without playing a game or me holding you down? I’d like to try. I’ll help you.”

  Bastian furrowed his brow. A little line appeared between them, the one Rob always wanted to kiss. He had such perfect eyebrows: stupid to think about, but they were — pretty on a boy, not too thick, well-formed little arches. “Yeah. Yeah, I think I could.”

  “Then kiss me for a while, okay? I’ll hold you like this. Just wrap your arms around my neck.” Bastian had drawn his arms against his chest, between them.

  “I guess. Okay.” Reluctantly, Bastian twined his pale arms Rob’s neck. This would be difficult for him. Rob would have to help every step of the way.

  “You can still hold me as tight as you need, baby boy. All right?”

  Bastian nodded against the pillow, but he tensed up. Instead of kissing Bastian, Rob rested his forehead against his boy’s. His hand holding Bastian’s back buried in his hair, and the other stroked his back. “Shhhh. Shhhh, baby. You’re okay. I’m Daddy. I have you. I won’t let anything happen to you, little one. I told you, I’m not going anywhere.” He petted Bastian. In all their time together, he’d never been able to do this. Bastian always, always had wanted held somehow: wanted his wrists pinned, wanted Rob holding him tight, holding him down. Or they’d played some game, and it wasn’t them, not really. Bastian always started out begging for it; they never went slowly. Rob traced the long, long, curve of his side, the ribs he could barely feel under the muscle, the dip down into Bastian’s narrow waist and hips. “You feel good. Don’t hold your legs so stiff, baby. C’mon. You know how to do this.”

  “I know. But not with you.”

  “Why not, honey?”

  Bastian started to talk, stopped, started, and stopped again. “I care about you. I never cared before. Not like this.”

  Rob kissed his forehead. “Who am I?” Bastian needed to say it.

  “Uh, Rob? No longer a priest, now a tattoo apprentice?”

  “Bastian.” Rob let the tiniest bit of warning creep into his voice. “Who am I?”

  “Daddy.” Bastian suddenly nuzzled into Rob’s neck. “You’re Daddy.”

  “Daddies love their boys and take care of them. Do I do that for you?”

  Bastian nodded into him. Bastian’s lips pressed against his neck. That little touch was making him so hard.

  “Then let me love on you and take care of you, okay? Can I do that? Can you trust me? Just tangle your legs up with mine, kelpie. Let me feel if you’re hard yet.”

  Bastian moved his legs around Rob’s. Bastian was still against his thigh. Rob petted his long, smooth lats, the swimmer’s muscles under his hands. “Does that feel good, little?”

  “Yeah.”

  “What about this?” Rob cupped his perfectly muscled ass and pulled it a little closer. He moved a little on Bastian. “I love the way you feel in my hand, baby boy.” Bastian made a small sound and began to rise. “That’s it, honey. That feels good, doesn’t it? Shhh. Cuddle up on me and let me hold you like this for a while.” Rob kissed his long neck; he tasted salty, like he hadn’t showered since he’d run. Rob buried his nose in the crook of Bastian’s neck and no, he hadn’t showered. He got harder and thrust just a little against Bastian’s thigh. Bastian pressed closer.

  “God, you feel good.” Rob kept whispering, kept his voice soft. “I never get to enjoy you like this. And you’re so gorgeous.” He brushed Bastian’s hair away and sucked the very tip of his ear, the ear with the very, very slight point to it. Bastian shivered a little.

  “Oh, you like that, kelpie?” Rob traced the seashell curve of Bastian’s ear with his tongue, and Bastian shivered again, but when Rob bit him gently, Bastian seemed to like that best of all, considering how his cock rose and his nipples hardened. Those hard, pink little nipples about drove Rob nuts. He wanted to suck on them and feel them harden in his mouth, then nip them into stiffening for him. But Bastian needed slow and gentle. So he forced himself, fucking forced himself, God it was so hard, to cradle Bastian and kiss him gently. Bastian seemed to be relaxing into it.

  “Good boy. What a sweet boy to trust me. You smell so good, too.”

  “I bet your cock tastes good.” Bastian sounded so shy. “I love when you walk around all day and it’s kind of hot outside and you get that good, good smell. I just want — God, this is so embarrassing.”

  “Tell me three embarrassing things, sprite, and I’ll tell you three.” Rob stroked his back. “Promise I won’t laugh at you or judge you.”

  Bastian reddened. “Promise, Daddy?”

  “Promise. I want to give you what you want, baby, and how can I do that if I don’t know what you want?”

  “I like satin on my cock.”

  Rob laughed. “I knew that. You still owe me three. Is it because it feels good or because you like being my sissy boy?”

  Bastian buried his head in Rob’s neck. “Both. I like when you rub me through them and make me come hard.”

  “That’s one.”

  “I like the way your cock smells. I wanna lick it just so I can get harder smelling it, especially after you’ve been working out.”

  “That’s two.”

  “You feel good like this.” Bastian spoke in a whisper.

  “That’s a good secret.” Rob rubbed his cock some more against Bastian. “I like that secret lots.”

  “Now you tell me secrets.”

  “You taste and smell really, really good after you work out. I want to suck your cock and taste you, but not right now. Right now, I want to cuddle you and hold you because I never get to.”

  “One.”

  “I like this with you already better than any sex ever and I’m desperate to help you learn to do it.”

  “Two.” Bastian’s voice shook a little.

  “I don’t mean I don’t like giving you what you need, and I love you underneath me. I really, really, really do. And I never want to give that up. But I love holding you.”

  “What’s the third? You don’t have to have one. I’m kind of scared.”

  “Why, baby?”

  “I don’t know.” Bastian began tensing. “I just am.”

  “I feel like I’m a bad daddy. I feel like if I were better, you wouldn’t be scared or unhappy. You’d open up and you wouldn’t be frightened.”

  Bastian hugged him tight. “You’re the best daddy. You take good care of me. I’m just hard to take care of. I get scared. It’s hard to take care of someone who’s scared. You have to be really patient and gentle and you are and I’m so much better. Look how much better I am. It takes a long, long time, Daddy.” Bastian cuddled in his arms. “Daddy, it takes a long time.”

  They were both quiet then.

  “You should kiss me again, Daddy. I’ll wrap my legs all the way around you so our cocks touch and it’ll be even better if you use lube on them. I’ll hold you really tight a
nd we can go really really slow.”

  Rob did like he asked. And goddamn, kissing Bastian softly while he rubbed shamelessly against Rob, making deep purring sounds, their heads catching under each other, Rob stroking Bastian’s back — all of it, all of it Rob had wanted for so long.

  “Daddy, please. You just fucked me this morning, I can take it if you just slip inside me really slow.”

  Rob hesitated. “I don’t want to hurt —”

  “Please, Daddy?”

  “I want to face you, sweet boy, but you’ll like it better if your cock’s right between us.” Rob could still hold Bastian that way, and maybe he wouldn’t get dreamy and far away if Rob talked to him and kissed him. “If I get on top, will you try to stay with me?”

  Bastian looked at him suspiciously. “You mean face to face just like this?”

  “It’ll be okay, I promise.”

  “But you’d be right there.”

  “I know. I would be. That’s sort of the point.” He kissed Bastian again, sucking his bottom lip the way he liked and finishing with a nip. “Just like this? I’ll keep kissing you.”

  “Mmm-hmm.” Bastian wiggled a little, and Rob slipped a pillow under him. “It helps with the angle, baby.” He slicked his long, smooth cock a little more and nudged at that tight little pucker. Bastian hummed with pleasure. Rob kept going, kept pushing, and oh, it was hard to fit, his big head pushing against those tight ridges, Bastian breathing slowly and deliberately. Rob soothed and shushed him until he’d slipped all the way inside. Very, very carefully, he lay down on top of Bastian and gathered him into his arms. Bastian seemed unsure of what to do for a moment, then wrapped his arms around Rob’s neck and suddenly made a pleased little sound.

  “Right there?”

  “Uh-huh, Daddy.”

  “I won’t hit it the same way, but it’ll still feel good. You feel good and I can see your face.” Rob nuzzled Bastian. “Is it okay?”

  “Mostly?” Bastian buried his face in Rob’s neck. “You smell good.” Suddenly, maybe it was the pitch of his voice, Rob heard Bastian saying that to him so long ago. It had filled something in him, and his heart had almost broken with it, hearing those words from another person again. Rob moved a little inside Bastian and he hummed.

  “You’re still slick inside. Tell me when to start, baby.”

  “Not yet. I like it this way.” Not what Rob expected. “You’re holding me and it feels good.”

  “Bastian, baby, stay with me. Turn your head.”

  “Mmmm, why?”

  “Because if you don’t, you’ll drift off.”

  Bastian obediently turned his head to the side. Rob nibbled the edge of his ear. Bastian’s eyes flew open and he gasped. “That’s it, baby. Stay with me, love.” He nibbled some more; Bastian’s nipples hardened against his chest again. Rob moved a little inside him and Bastian sighed. “What feels so good?”

  “When you move you rub against my cock, Daddy.”

  “The more I move, the more I’ll rub your cock. You going to come between us for me? I want to feel it.”

  “Will you go a little more, Daddy? I wanna feel more.”

  Rob began slipping inside him, just a little. Bastian gasped and clung to him. He rubbed his cheek against Rob’s. “I like your stubble. It feels good.”

  “I know, baby face. Don’t hardly need to shave.”

  “Shut up.” Bastian actually reddened.

  “Shhh.” Rob went a little faster. Bastian slipped between them some more, and this would make him come, not as much Rob fucking him; he couldn’t hit the right spot inside him as well at this angle. “That’s it, sweet boy. Let me take care of you. I love you so much, little one. Let me love on you.”

  “Love you too, Daddy.” Bastian’s lips rested against Rob’s neck. Bastian turned and kissed his cheek, a big deal for him, then luxuriously rubbed his own cheek against Rob’s. “Mmmm. Love you, Daddy. Do it more. Can I — can I wrap my legs around you?”

  “I’d like that, love.”

  Bastian locked his ankles around Rob’s back, Rob had dreamed about him doing this, and Rob went harder, faster. Bastian arched his back so his cock rubbed more against their bellies. His breathing was quickening; Bastian’s heart beat faster against Rob’s chest, as if he were swimming a race for him, picking up speed now. “Daddy, please.” Rob couldn’t last much longer. “Fuck me more, Daddy.”

  “Shush. None of that. None of your mouth right now. Be a good boy instead and say nice things.”

  Bastian was going, losing it. “Daddy please, please daddy, I wanna go so bad, I love you Daddy, please let me, do it faster Daddy, faster and faster, please I wanna come all over your belly, you like it when I come for you Daddy, please please I love you Daddy, I want it so bad, please —” Bastian lost it suddenly, abruptly, curling slightly and shooting hard, spurt after sticky spurt, so much come. The stickiness, his cries, his clinging and riding Rob’s cock took Rob along with him. He thrust hard and came deep into Bastian, that hot flood he’d never let go into anyone else, the pumping ecstasy that came with every thrust, peaking then receding slowly. He held his boy tightly as they both came down from it.

  Then he still held Bastian.

  Rob finally found his voice. “Was that okay, baby?”

  “It was scary and then it wasn’t.”

  “Why’s that?” Still inside him, Rob brushed the sweaty hair from Bastian’s forehead.

  “Because you said that even if I did the very worst thing, you still loved me. Because you call me your fairy boy. Because you left everything to leave with me and my goddamn animals, no plan or anything, you just … you just came with me because I needed it. You gave up everything. Not only because of me but partly because of me too. And I’m just some stupid kid, and —”

  “No, Bastian. No no no.” Rob kissed his forehead. “You’re not just some stupid kid. You’re smart and funny and brave. And you’re mine. I just don’t understand — I never have. Why me? You handed me everything, baby boy. Why did you pick me?”

  Bastian squinted. “I don’t understand.”

  “Me, Bastian. Why me?”

  He shook his head. “Who wouldn’t pick you?”

  Rob actually laughed at him. “Pretty much everyone.”

  Bastian touched his face. “But you’re so good. You’re so, so good. Even when you don’t think you’re good.”

  Rob snorted. “You don’t live in my head.”

  “But you act good. And that’s what matters, in the end. God, Rob. Who wouldn’t pick you, every single time? Do I like, need to like, cite specific examples or something?”

  He slipped out. Rob held Bastian tightly, but this time, Bastian wrapped his arms around Rob instead of pulling them between the two of them.

  “The day you talked to me that time. That first time, at my locker.” Bastian was whispering. “I said hey to you, and that I was really liking Macbeth.”

  “I remember.”

  “I hadn’t tried to talk to anyone in four days. And no one had really talked to me, more than a hey or what’s up or whatever, in almost a week.”

  Rob pulled away and stared at him.

  “I’d come into your room — you were so smart, and you were nice in class — and you talked to me like I was a person. You actually cared what I had to say. Do you know what a huge crush I had on you? Do you have any idea? I used to go to sleep imagining this, right here.” Bastian was quiet. “I thought you knew why I got kicked out. Then I found out you didn’t and I thought you’d hate me for it. It was easier to just — I don’t know. If you’d’ve looked at me different I wouldn’t have been able to stand it. But swimming you seemed totally normal. So I thought maybe you didn’t think anything bad about me. Maybe it was okay. Maybe you didn’t think I was bad or awful or a slut or something.”

  For once, Bastian didn’t use that word as a tease. It came from some deep, hurt place. Maybe that’s why he used it so often. If he said it, he took it back from whatever voices called him
that in the first place.

  “Then on the swim team, I saw you looking a few times. I thought maybe, maybe if I pushed really, really hard —

  “You’re a good Daddy. I’m hard to be a daddy to. But you’re a good daddy. You love me and take care of me and try really hard to make me behave. I just get scared and that makes it hard. You can’t fix me, Daddy.”

  “I wish I could.” It hurt to admit that he couldn’t piece Bastian together. Bastian had to do it.

  “But I couldn’t do it without you, Daddy.” Bastian cuddled close. “Never ever. I need you and I love you.”

  Rob pulled the covers up over them. He kissed Bastian’s nose. “I need you more than you’ll ever know. Always dragging me somewhere.” He smiled. “But always somewhere better, Bastian baby. Always dragging me up, never down.”

  Bastian kissed him one more time, and to Rob’s total shock, pressed close and drifted off, no restraints, no weight on him, just Rob, Rob close, Rob cradling him. Rob held his better angel as the sky flared into pinks and golds. Yes. This was, after so long, where the compass pointed: what he’d searched out for so long — his boy in his arms, the sunset around them, the whispered I love you in the long afternoon. Rob held the solidity of it, the realness: no transubstantiation, nothing to believe in but what he could see and touch and feel and hear. This was real. This was his. He cradled Bastian. Pax vobiscum, they always said in the old Latin Mass. Peace be with you.

  About the Author

  Julia McBryant is, as the saying goes, Southern born, Southern bred, and when she dies, she’ll be Southern dead. A resident of the prettiest city in the world, McBryant yearns for the slant of light in Rome, the taste of oxtail and grits in the winter, and giant moonsnail shells on the beach at Tybee. She is owned by three children and three dogs, and enjoys caffeine, unicorns, and unicorns on caffeine. When she isn’t writing, she’s writing.