Now You See Her

by Heidi Perks

  When she finally refocused her eyes, the silver frame on her dressing table eventually became clear. ‘Oh my God.’ Harriet shuffled to the end of the bed and reached out to pick it up. The day Brian had bought her the frame three years ago, he had put a photo of her and Alice in it. He had taken the picture on a beach in Devon and given it to Harriet as a present. It was a beautiful picture of her with her baby girl, their cheeks pressed against each other’s, Alice’s wide eyes bright blue as they reflected the light. Her yellow-dotted sun hat skewed at an angle on top of her head, tufts of baby-blonde hair poking out beneath it.

  But now Harriet found herself looking at a very different picture. It was a photo of their wedding day, one she’d never liked because her eyes were half-closed and she was looking away from Brian while he stared intently at her. ‘Look at you,’ the inexperienced but cheap photographer had laughed. ‘You adore her.’

  ‘Of course I do, she’s my wife,’ Brian said.

  ‘Yes, and she’s not even looking back at you.’ The young man laughed at what he thought was a very comical situation.

  Brian’s head snapped up to look at Harriet. ‘Well, she is a lot more beautiful than me,’ he smiled.

  When the photographer had finished Harriet forced herself to drink the lukewarm champagne. ‘Why would you do that to me?’ Brian leaned in close as he spoke into her ear.

  ‘Do what?’ Harriet was genuinely baffled.

  ‘Try and make me look a fool on our wedding day. That boy is laughing at me, no doubt telling everyone my new wife doesn’t even want to look at me while I can’t take my eyes off you.’

  ‘Don’t be silly, Brian, of course I was looking at you,’ she said. ‘I just saw that waiter spill red wine down this man’s shirt.’ Harriet giggled. ‘He was so flustered trying to mop it up as—’

  ‘Well,’ he spat, taking her hand as he led her off towards the dining tables. ‘Isn’t that just wonderful.’

  When he slipped into bed beside her that night, Brian left a cold space between them. ‘You didn’t take your eyes off him all evening.’

  ‘Who?’ Harriet turned towards her new husband.

  ‘The waiter, of course. You embarrassed me on purpose, Harriet.’

  ‘What do you mean? I wasn’t looking at him,’ she pleaded. He had caught her attention a couple of times because he was so incompetent but that was all. Did it look like she was staring too much, though? she wondered with a pang of guilt.

  ‘You spoilt the day for me. How do you think you made me feel on our wedding day when you kept looking at another man?’

  ‘I wasn’t looking at him. Not like that. Brian, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you. What you think happened just isn’t true.’

  ‘You think I’m lying? That I’m making things up? I know what I saw.’

  ‘No, I don’t think you’re lying but—’

  ‘You made me look like an idiot,’ he snapped, his face flushing with rage. ‘So don’t start trying to pretend this is my fault.’

  ‘Brian, I’m sorry.’ Harriet couldn’t believe she’d hurt him so badly. How stupid she had been. She reached over to touch her husband, moving closer, hoping that as it was their wedding night he could forgive her. He wasn’t a big drinker so maybe he’d had a little too much. But then she didn’t remember him having any alcohol after the champagne on the terrace. ‘Come here,’ she murmured softly. She would make him forget whatever he was working himself up over.

  But Brian rolled away and she was left looking at the back of his broad shoulders, rising and dipping with his sharp breaths.

  Harriet lay and stared at the hotel ceiling, tears sliding down her cheeks that their wedding night had come to this. It was none of the things she had hoped for. She had never felt so alone.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Harriet whispered to her husband’s back. ‘I’m so sorry, I never meant to hurt you.’ She knew he was still awake but he didn’t answer.

  ‘I’ve been wondering why you swapped the photo.’ Brian’s voice made her jump. ‘Did you not like the one I took of you and Alice?’ He stood in the doorway with a tumbler of water that he carefully placed on the bedside table. His eyes never left Harriet’s.

  ‘You know I didn’t swap it,’ she said, letting the frame drop on to the bed beside her.

  Brian leaned forward and picked it up. ‘And you know I don’t like this picture.’

  ‘I didn’t change the photo, Brian,’ she said again, noticing the muscles twitching in his jaw.

  ‘So she’s gone,’ he said, waving the frame in front of her.

  ‘What are you saying?’ Harriet shifted nervously on the bed. ‘Brian, you’re scaring me.’

  ‘Am I?’ he said, getting closer until she could feel his breath on her cheek. ‘My love, I wouldn’t do that.’ He reached out and took a tendril of her hair, stroking it between his fingers. ‘You must be getting confused again.’ And with that Brian let go of her hair, and walked out of the bedroom.

  Charlotte

  By Wednesday evening Audrey had persuaded me I should attend the school social, though when Tom arrived to look after the children I was already regretting asking him to come over for something I really didn’t want to go to.

  I’d fallen into a routine of making pleasantries at the school gate, keeping my eyes hidden behind sunglasses, my head down and scurrying away again before anyone could stop me. I stopped returning messages and became completely reliant on Audrey acting as a go-between, thanking friends for whatever thoughts they were passing on to me.

  Aud removed Facebook from my phone again. She told me I was banned from reading anything online. I knew if I did I’d find myself talking to her about what I’d read and then she’d most likely fulfil her promise to take away my phone. Strangely I began finding it relatively easy to hide away from the world. What I didn’t know wasn’t hurting me.

  But withdrawing had made the thought of the social even more terrifying. I was only going because of Audrey’s insistence that it would be good for me and my desire not to let her down after everything she’d done.

  ‘I thought you said it was starting five minutes ago,’ Tom said, tapping his watch. ‘It’s already eight-fifty.’ He found me rummaging through the children’s school bags. I’d already laid out their uniforms and washed up the water bottles – jobs I’d usually leave till morning. ‘Just go,’ he said, practically pushing me out of the front door.

  ‘When did the light stop working?’ I muttered when the outside lamp didn’t automatically come on.

  ‘I’ll have a look at it,’ Tom said, peering up before sighing, ‘Oh, I can hear Evie. I thought you said she was asleep. I’ll see you later.’ He closed the door behind him, leaving me standing in the semi-dark driveway. As I walked towards my car a flicker of movement stopped me in my tracks and Brian’s face suddenly appeared above the corner of the privet.

  ‘Brian, you made me jump,’ I said, wondering how long he had been watching me. He didn’t answer. ‘Do you, erm, want to come in?’

  ‘No,’ he said blankly. ‘I want you to come to my car.’ When I didn’t move he added, ‘I don’t think you have the luxury of refusing me that, do you?’

  I jangled the keys nervously in the palm of my hand, looking up at the house in the hope that Tom might be at a window, but there was no sign of him. Reluctantly I nodded and followed Brian to the silver Honda parked a few houses up. He held the passenger door open, and as I climbed in the smell of dead fish wafted from the boot and into my nostrils.

  Our cul-de-sac was quiet and eerily still. The click of the doors locking was loud and sharp in the silence as Brian twisted to face me.

  His mouth twitched at the corners and, tilting his head to one side, he spoke slowly. ‘Tell me what you know.’

  ‘What I know about what?’ I asked.

  ‘Tell me what you know about my wife.’

  I fidgeted uneasily. ‘Why are we talking about Harriet?’

  ‘I do everything for her; she’s my world,’
he continued. ‘I always have. But she doesn’t treat me the same, though I assume you know that. She must tell you everything.’

  ‘No, actually Harriet doesn’t say anything to me,’ I said.

  ‘It breaks me. She breaks me. Do you know that? Yes, of course you do. You’re her best friend,’ he laughed. ‘Despite what you say, you must know everything.’

  Brian’s behaviour was as disturbing as his appearance. His hair stuck out wildly in different directions, as if he’d grabbed it with both hands and ruffled it vigorously. His eyes were dark and heavy as they bore into me. I’d never seen Brian anything less than pristine and despite the situation I knew something else was wrong.

  ‘Did she tell you she doesn’t love me?’ he went on.

  I shuffled forward uncomfortably in my seat. ‘Harriet loves you,’ I said. As much as I didn’t want to confront his anger about Alice, I still thought it would be preferable to whatever this was about. ‘Whatever is happening right now, you can’t start doubting that.’

  ‘I know you were close, Charlotte. Why else would you tell her about losing your son?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Make a habit of it, don’t you? Losing children. Almost like it comes easy to you.’

  ‘Brian—’ The air in the car was getting unbearably close. ‘Can I open the door? Or even just the window?’

  Brian ignored me as he slammed the palm of his hand against the steering wheel and turned to stare out of the windscreen. ‘Mothers like you should pay for what you do,’ he said. ‘But you don’t,’ he carried on. ‘You never do.’

  ‘I need to go,’ I said, my voice shaking. ‘I want you to unlock the door now, Brian.’

  ‘I’ll make sure they write their story about you,’ he said. ‘I’ll make sure it’s out there.’

  I wondered if I should scream, whether anyone would hear me if I did. The air was getting closer and I could feel my breaths quickening yet the only thing stopping me from hammering on the windscreen was the thought that this was nothing less than I deserved.

  ‘Tell me what she’s told you,’ he yelled. ‘What you know.’

  ‘I don’t know what you want me to say,’ I pleaded. Harriet had never uttered a word against her husband. ‘Harriet’s only ever had good things to say about you—’

  ‘You know I’ve always liked you, Charlotte,’ he said, interrupting me with a sudden change of conversation. His words sounded lighter and softer as he arched himself forward. ‘Of course I’m glad she has you as a friend but I need you to be honest with me.’

  ‘Brian, what are you talking about?’

  ‘I’m sure you can make her see sense,’ he said. ‘Anyway, I need to go now.’

  ‘Brian, I don’t understand what you’re—’ I stopped as he stretched across me to open the door, giving it a shove so it swung open.

  ‘I’m sure you do, Charlotte,’ he said. ‘I’m positive you understand very well what I’m talking about. Now please get out.’

  I stared at him incredulously as I backed out of the car. He pulled the door shut behind me, started the engine and hastily drove away. All thoughts of the school social had vanished; it was with relief that I made my way back to the house.

  I had no idea what had just happened. Whether he and Harriet had had an argument; if this was Brian’s way of taking it out on me. Wasn’t it all any father would do in his situation? I didn’t stop to think Harriet was in any danger because, despite his behaviour that evening, I still didn’t think Brian was to blame. His words were nothing compared to what the trolls had said they would do to me, after all. I should have expected much worse.

  NOW

  ‘Do I have to go over the facts?’ DI Rawlings says. ‘We have a missing person and someone died tonight.’

  ‘I know.’ I press my fingers into my closed eyes, squeezing them shut. ‘I know.’

  ‘And we still aren’t getting to the truth,’ she goes on.

  ‘I’m telling you what I know,’ I snap.

  ‘Are you?’ She sits back in her chair and stares at me.

  ‘Yes,’ I plead, though even I know I don’t sound sincere.

  Harriet never told me what was going on in her marriage. Yet, as much as I try to believe it was because she didn’t want me to know, I can’t ignore the feeling I didn’t look hard enough.

  Maybe that’s what the detective saw the moment I walked into the room. That right from the start of our friendship I was wrapped up in my own life. Isn’t that what the mums like us are like? The gaggle of women who take over the playground with our raucous laughter, acting like the school owes us something for being there?

  I saw that in some of them over the days after the school fete, the way they ushered their kids away from me, afraid if I came too near that one of their children would disappear as well. Not all of them. Not Aud, of course. But it made me realise how fragile the strings were that tied the rest of us together. How some friendships are built on so little they can fall apart at the slightest strain.

  But I wasn’t like them, I wanted to plead with Rawlings. I still feel the urge to persuade her that I wasn’t and that is why I was drawn to Harriet.

  Harriet reminded me of the person I wanted to be, the one I still was in my heart. Harriet didn’t kiss the air or gush over handbags like they alone would solve Third World problems. I could tell Harriet anything and I knew she cared.

  She could have told me anything too. Only she didn’t.

  ‘But you didn’t see any clues?’ the detective persists.

  Now I look back there were possibly many clues but I tell the detective I didn’t. Yet as I sit here in the whitewashed room, with the tape recorder still whirring and my mind dissolving, I remember a particular time when Harriet and I sat on our usual bench in the park.

  Evie was a baby and finally asleep in the pram and, while I wouldn’t be able to rest completely with the threat of her waking any moment, I’d closed my eyes and was revelling in the peace when Harriet’s voice rang out from behind me. I felt my stomach sink. I didn’t think we’d arranged to meet.

  When I opened my eyes I saw Alice toddling off to the sandpit where Molly was filling a bucket. Harriet had stripped off her cardigan and pulled a lunch box out and I remember thinking it looked like she was there to stay. ‘What are your plans today?’ I asked her. ‘Are you and Alice off anywhere nice?’

  ‘No, nothing special. I have to go back to the shops later.’

  ‘What, on a lovely day like this?’ I said.

  ‘Yes, I bought this jumper for Brian and I need to return it.’ Harriet reached into her bag and grabbed a handful of the top.

  ‘Tom had one like this,’ I murmured, running my hand over the soft wool. ‘What’s wrong with it? Doesn’t Brian like it?’

  ‘Oh I think he probably does. I just got the wrong one. He said he’d asked me for red.’ Harriet raised her eyes and shrugged her shoulders. ‘I could have sworn he said green.’

  I sighed and folded the top. They were hardly two colours you could mix up and I felt myself getting irritated by Harriet’s mistake. My patience was almost on empty and in those times her scattiness annoyed me.

  ‘I could do with going shopping,’ I said. ‘We should go one day, blow some money and treat ourselves.’ When Harriet didn’t answer I realised my tactlessness and flustered, ‘I mean, I’d like to treat you to something. You’d be doing me a favour just by coming. I’ll dump Evie on my mum for the day.’

  ‘Yes, maybe.’

  I looked at Harriet who was waving at Alice, holding up a packet of raisins to her daughter while she played obliviously in the sandpit. Nearby a mother was raising her voice at her young son, her finger wagging an inch from his face as the little boy started sobbing.

  ‘He didn’t even do anything wrong,’ Harriet said. ‘I was watching him. He only wanted another go on the swing.’

  The mother shouted louder; the little boy slunk backwards. She raised her hand and the next moment she’d slapped him across th
e back of his legs and marched him through the park.

  ‘We should say something,’ Harriet gasped.

  ‘Don’t get involved,’ I said quickly, placing a hand on Harriet’s arm.

  ‘But he’s in a dreadful state.’

  ‘I know, and it’s horrible, but no one will thank you for saying anything,’ I said. ‘About this shopping trip,’ I added, desperate to avoid confrontation with the mother who was by now at the gate. She had hard features that looked like she was permanently angry and I knew who’d come off worse if Harriet got into it with her. ‘When shall we go?’

  I opened up Harriet’s bag and was about to put the jumper back in when I noticed a necklace glistening at the bottom. ‘Harriet, I haven’t seen this before.’ I pulled out the chain, holding its delicate gold-leaf pendant in the palm of my hand. ‘It’s beautiful.’

  ‘My necklace,’ Harriet gasped and grabbed the chain from me. ‘Where did you – where was it?’

  ‘It was just lying in your bag. It’s gorgeous.’ It really was, and I couldn’t remember ever seeing Harriet wear it.

  ‘I thought I’d lost it.’ Harriet stared at it suspiciously, turning the leaf over in her fingers. ‘I thought—’ She shook her head and didn’t finish the sentence. ‘It was my mum’s. I know it was in my jewellery box. I don’t wear it because it’s so precious. But then it was gone and I looked everywhere.’

  ‘Well you have it now.’

  ‘But I searched the house.’ Harriet’s voice dropped as she continued to marvel at the pendant, and I stared at her, wondering if she was talking to it or to me. ‘I don’t get it. How could it even be in my handbag?’ she said in little more than a whisper.

  ‘Does it really matter if you’ve found it?’ I sighed, fearing I might have snapped at Harriet as I closed my eyes again. I could hear Aud’s voice as clear as if she were sat on the bench between us. ‘Charlotte, I’m sure your friend is very sweet but she looks like she’s away with the fairies half the time.’

  I remember turning to look at Harriet who was then staring at a point in the distance, past Alice, past the trees that lined the park. Her lips twitched, deep in thought. I had lost Harriet completely and Evie was stirring and I knew any minute she’d start screaming, and I felt the rise of irritation spreading inside me like fire.