Planet Bonkers
Page 1
Some Abbreviated Sarcastic Ramblings on Anything and
Everything that Amuses or Irritates - me.
A.D. Moreton
By A.D. Moreton
Copyright © 2014 A.D. Moreton.
ISBN 978-0-9928150-2-8
First Edition, 2014.
CONTENTS
The Appetizer – Why?
1 - Road Junctions
8 - New Computers and Software
14 - Population Import for Todays’ Pensioners
15 - Improving the Political Process
16 - Roundabouts, Red Tarmac and Chicanes
17 - Prisons – My Dad’s Version
19 - The French System
24 - Global Economy
28 - Doctors and Men
35 - The Madness of Pets
Glossary
The Appetizer – Why?
Hi, firstly, could you just make sure you haven’t picked up this book by mistake? You see this isn’t just some crappy ‘sh*t my dad says’ written in American1. No, this is real decent sh*t written in proper ENGLISH. This is sh*t I say. Me, on ‘Planet Me’; which is an extremely weird place indeed.
You just can’t beat a bloody good moan. Anytime, anywhere, about anything.
Now, let’s get everything nice and straight, right at the very beginning. This isn’t going to be for the faint hearted. It’s called Planet Me because it is my own individual take on a range of situations and circumstances that amuse me, piss me off big time, or happen to do both of these things simultaneously. It is original, because there is, thankfully, only one of me. And anybody who manages to stay on message and get to the end of this work will thank the lord that that is indeed the case.
It’s about 99.999675 % certain that only blokes will be unhinged, grumpy, nasty and cynical enough to find it even remotely funny. The other approximate 50% of humanity are in all probability going to be just too nice. Too amicable. Too likely to be wanting to believe that things aren’t too bad and that they can probably be improved. And that there are lots of organisations and some nice politicians (“I came into this to make a difference” – please somebody, QUICKLY, pass the sick bag) who stand a chance of making things better. Well they don’t, not the faintest. Or at least not within a substantial number of centuries during which time EVERYTHING HAS TO GET A LOT, LOT, LOT WORSE.
So this isn’t really for women. Not unless they shave. That is, shave their chest; and at least three times a day. Of course, I’m not saying to all the beautiful, gorgeous, charming ladies “don’t buy the book”. Not at all, “please do”. But it’s probably best if you don’t read it yourself. Give it to your own grumpy moaning git for Christmas, his birthday or to take on holiday. He may find it funny and if he does you’ll have some peace, quiet and quality you time. Probably while he chuckles and shouts “bloody spot on mate” at the book whilst also having a pint. If he doesn’t do this and carries on pestering you, please shred this complete waste of alphanumeric characters and use it as bedding for your hamster.
Also please just note. If anybody out there, anywhere, even for 0.000001 seconds, considers the remotest possibility of buying this book, unfortunately there WILL be another. I’ll come up with a new original snazzy title, like say, ‘Planet Me – Take Two’ or something. To balance the books a bit, I might even be tempted to have a good old rant from the opposite end of the spectrum.
I can’t see how it would EVER stop. You see there is just so much material to have a go at. The extent and degree of ever increasing lunacy and crapness just seems to be infinite. I no sooner start with a grump and begin writing the issue down on paper, and why it seriously gets so under my skin, than it spirals out of control into an issue of such magnitude I never even dreamed possible.
But it’s not just that. It’s worse than that. Because each issue, as it spirals in magnitude, gives birth to multiple other issues that are even greater in extent and get under my skin-able. It becomes an infinite chain reaction of items that just seriously, seriously grate.
The above gentle introduction should hopefully help you understand the sort of journey you might be about to commence on. Now, don’t worry too much. Remember, this is my problem not yours. You can just sit back and enjoy the ride. Sort of watch me squirm.
You see I’ll declare all my cards now - just to make sure there’s no moaning at the end. By way of background, I unfortunately happen to be 52 years old. So I have seen a reasonable amount of stuff and observed how things evolve (or more correctly - go round in circles2) over time. I’m really a scientist, with a degree and PhD in Chemistry, who happens to also like painting, design and art and has built a couple of extensions to his house. And invented and patented a weird back cushion that some people want to buy.
What all this means is that whilst I am not completely daft or stupid (not completely), I am a little bit off the beaten track so to speak. Or, put another way, at least partially, unhinged.
Some might consider that I make the tall geezer from the famous car programme on TV appear a mild mannered, quietly spoken, liberal moderniser. An advocate of all things environmental and green, considerate of all opinions and societal contributions.
I certainly like all the Grumpy Old Bloke type takes on life. I have read and enjoyed a good few of these sorts books and many of them I agree with and they do make me chuckle. But some of it, either I just don’t get, or it just seems a bit too tame. Too gentle and too nice.
So, when I reached a point during the recession when I had a pause in my work, I decided to see if I could write a series of proper, full on, 100% rants that I at least got completely and that were undiluted. Sort of plutonium fuelled to another level of grumpiness.
Ultimately though, this book is all my Father’s fault. You see, after one particular beer, wine and scotch fuelled moan and rant extravaganza we were having together, he very innocently said in passing:
“You know, if you are ever in need of any work, you should seriously become a stand-up comedian; they’d be rolling in the aisles”.
And so the seed was sown.
So why a book? Well, it’s quite simple. I knew there is no way I could ever be a stand-up comedian. My personality isn’t good enough, my mind not quick enough, my memory is appalling and my delivery skills would never hit the spot comically. Christ, it took me 15 to 20 years to sort of master presenting dull factual science data to a dull factual scientific audience (most of whom would be asleep) with any sort of skill.
No, a live, in the spotlight comedian slot would certainly never fly. But, the basic material? Given the chance to plan, prepare, write down and polish in the form of a book? Well, I thought maybe. And you don’t get if you don’t try.
I can write; just. There’s only 26 letters in the alphabet – not that many to jiggle around to try and create something that’s not complete crap. And that bird with the wizard did alright. And the one that was into silk scarves, hand-cuffs and naughty stuff. So it can’t be that difficult, can it?
Finally, throughout the following pages, please just keep on reminding yourself that this is my mind and my take on how stuff operates. And I have to live and survive here every day of the year. You can just read, have a laugh and thank the lord that you don’t.
Enjoy (or at the very least, let your hamster enjoy).
Note that in the E-book version footnotes are at the END of each chapter.
All abbreviations are fully explained in a table that isn’t a table near the end of the book.
This is an Abbreviated Version of the full book Planet Me: