the church members were frozen in shock. “It was just a fucking poster, mother!” I stopped. My words echoed throughout the otherwise silent house of God. I don’t know what made me say the word “Fuck.” I’d never use that word before. I was pushed to an edge that I never was pushed to before. I knew this was the beginning of a never ending hell for me. A Hell on Earth I wasn’t looking for. I lost control and I knew I was going to be punished. I started to smack myself in the face again. I screamed loudly as I struck myself. This was a tick I used to have, thankfully I managed to lose that habit. Back then, however, it was the only outlet I could find to deal with my self hatred. Punishing myself in a way I thought I deserved.
I couldn’t remember what happened after that. I just know I blanked out. Autumn told me later that she’d heard all about it. That I screamed demonically and threw things around. She laughed as she explained it, as if she thought it was the funniest thing she’d ever heard. When we got home from the church, I remember mother yelling at me to head straight up to my room. Autumn was watching TV in the living room. She was wearing torn jeans, loaded with band patches. She was wearing a T-Shirt with a naked woman on it.
“Why are you dressed like a whore?” mother asked Autumn. Obviously she was unhappy with my sister’s choice of wardrobe.
Autumn lit a cigarette and blew it into mother’s face. “What did you do to Tia?” I stopped at the top of the stairs to watch. Autumn had her arms folded, demanding to know what happened to me.
“She influenced you,” mother said, motioning up the stairs, “didn’t she?”
Autumn stood, coldly scowling at Mother. “I asked, what did you do to Tia?”
Mother grew red in the face and then exploded. “She is a sinner!” mother shouted. “She’s putting up satanic posters! She said the ‘F’ word to the Pastor! Then she bit him, and shoved me!” Mother paused a second to catch her breath. “Why are you concerned about that murdering heathen? You should be worried about your innocent mother who was attacked by that little terror up there!” She resumed. “Now change out of that whore outfit and put out that cigarette!”
Autumn stood calmly and blew smoke in mother’s face again. She bumped mother out of the way and walked toward the stairs. As Autumn was coming up, I scattered quickly to my room and shut the door. Seconds letter, Autumn came in after me.
“Are you okay?” She said warmly. I was still upset. I didn’t want to move or respond. Autumn squatted on the ground and looked at me. “I’m not gonna hurt you Tia, you know that.”
I reached out and she took my hand. She held it caringly as I sobbed. “I attacked mother and the Pastor.”
Autumn stood up and caressed my head, comforting me. “You lost control. It’s okay. Happens to all of us. You need to control yourself better though. You don’t want another exorcism done to you.” I started smacking my face again, Autumn restrained me. “Don’t.”
I start sobbing again, “I’m sorry.”
Autumn put her hands on my shoulders and looked me in the eye. “Stop hurting yourself, okay? Promise me you’ll stop.” I remained quiet. “Promise me!” She said sharply.
I gulped and responded, “I promise.”
She looked at my arms and saw some fresh cuts on them. I had been cutting for a long time. Earlier that day, I’d used some of the poster tacs to self inflict. She looked at me lovingly. She was the only person in my life who looked at me that way. “I know you’re being punished for things you didn’t do.” She grabbed my arm and held it up. “But if you do this Tia, they win. You can’t let them.”
Autumn stood up straight and put her hands on her hips. Her face brightened and she smiled at me. “Why aren’t you dressed young lady? We have a concert to go to remember?”
Jolts of excitement ran through my body and I smiled wide. I’d forgotten all about the concert. “To Elle?”
Autumn kept her giant grin. “Mmhmm,” she responded, nodding slowly.
I ran to my dresser and grabbed my favorite shirt and jeans, dawning them as fast as I could. I quickly applied some makeup knowing mother would be heading to bed soon. I had to be slick.
From The Files of the Fitzgerald Mental Institution: Volume 2 Page 2
