His Sweet Fix

by Sofia Grey

  I was so stressed, I didn’t even freak out when one of Jasper’s dogs wandered up to me and shoved her cold, wet nose into my hand.

  Holly went to grab her, but I decided to tough it out. “You keep saying they won’t bite, but they still scare me.”

  “She loves having her ears rubbed,” said Jasper. “Look. Like this.” I copied his move, and the giant beast grunted, and then sat at my side, head tilted. “See?” he said. “Gwen likes you.”

  Sure enough, when I got up and paced around the lounge, Gwen followed me and implored me for another fuss.

  “Don’t push it, doggy,” I murmured, as I stroked her velvet-soft ears. “This is a temporary truce.”

  Holly sat on the floor, her arms around the other hound. Lily? She gazed at her brother. “Jas, you’ve tramped through Otaki Forks. What’s it like?”

  He shrugged. “Beautiful in the summer. The rivers rise very fast, though. They might have been cut off from their track and unable to find a way around.” He turned to face me. “Your dad is experienced. He’ll have left clear plans, which will make it easier to find them. There’s a good chance he’s waiting at the hut to be rescued.”

  “What about the beacon-thing?” Holly asked. “I thought that gave their position.”

  “An approximate position. It’s wild up there, Hol. That’s why it’s so popular.”

  We didn’t reach for the vodka. There was an unspoken understanding that, if the worst happened, we might need to drive later and shouldn’t be fogged by alcohol. Likewise, none of us wanted to go to bed. Jasper and I cuddled on the sofa, while Holly curled up in an armchair, Tabitha purring on her knees.

  “Tell me about your dogs,” I said to Jasper. “Why did you get them?”

  His arm was warm around my shoulders, as he tucked me into his side. When he held me like this, I could pretend everything was okay—that we were having a quiet night in together.

  He pressed a kiss against my temple. “I was helping a friend clear out his granddad’s garage, and something made a rustling noise at the back. There was a ragged box with two little puppies in it, only a couple of weeks old. They were covered in fleas and starving. Nobody ever saw their mother, and I figured they’d been left for a while. So I took them, bottle-fed them both, and here they are.”

  It was hard to imagine either of them as tiny. “That’s a lovely story. What about Tabitha? Where did you get her?”

  “She belonged to Zack’s sister. When Marnie died, Tabitha needed a new home and ended up here.” He chuckled. “You have to love how she bosses the dogs around. Tab’s in charge; there’s no doubt about that.”

  When my phone rang, a little after ten, I answered it immediately. “Hello.”

  Jasper and Holly sat upright, their gazes fixed on me.

  “Caitlin. I just heard. I’m so sorry.”

  Bruce? I took the phone from my ear and checked the caller ID. Yes, it was him. How would Bruce know about my dad? “What did you hear? Is it on the news?”

  “Mum told me.” He made it sound obvious. “What are you doing? Can I help?”

  Okay. This conversation took a walk into weird-land. “How did your mum know about it?”

  “The real-estate agency is shut too, and she’s sharing another office on Willis Street.” There was a pause. “Are we talking about the same thing?”

  Christ. He meant the earthquake closures. That felt like months ago. “No,” I said. “I don’t think we are.”

  Across from me, Holly mouthed, “Who is it?”

  I held the phone away for a moment. “It’s Bruce.”

  “Your ex?” Her eyes were wide.

  I nodded and returned to the call. “My dad’s out on a tramp, and he set off his distress beacon. We’re waiting for news, and when you called...”

  “Hell. You must be worried sick about him. Let me know when you hear something, okay?”

  “I will. I need to go, in case— You know. I don’t want to miss a call.”

  “No worries. And Caitlin, I may be able to help on the work front. They’re looking for helpdesk staff at the moment, and I can put your CV forward, if you’d like.”

  What? “Bruce, I don’t do support any more. Cake baking is my full time business now.”

  “And without a kitchen, how will you do that? Think about it—that’s all I’m asking. But let me know by the end of the week. It’s a more junior position than you had before, but it’ll be a good way back in.”

  Back into where? Working on the end of a phone? “Bruce, I have to go.” I disconnected before I said something rude.

  “Your ex,” said Jasper. “What did he want?”

  “To give me a real job. He always thought baking should only be a hobby.”

  Jasper wrinkled his nose. “He sounds like an asshole. You’re not thinking about it, are you?”

  Before I could answer, Holly’s phone beeped with a text. “It’s from Zack. He says SAR made it to the hut your dad was aiming for.” She chewed her lip and stared at me over her phone. “Nobody’s there.”

  Chapter Thirty-five

  Holly typed rapidly on her phone, and then waited. She cursed softly. “I tried to text Zack, but the delivery failed. He must be out of signal again.”

  I stared at my phone. “What he’s doing is brave. Sam too, and the whole SAR group. They’re volunteers, and they go out in the shittiest of conditions.” Tears pricked at my eyes, but I ignored them.

  “Hey.” Jasper squeezed my hand. “You know the SAR crew stands the best possible chance of looking after themselves. It’s hardest when they have to track the tourists that weren’t prepared for the weather—the ones who set out in running shoes and don’t take any food or water with them.”

  “Oh my God.” Holly grabbed the TV remote and switched it on. “It’s on the news. I saw it mentioned in my Facebook feed.” She zipped through the channels and turned up the volume.

  The screen was filled with a famous face—Hollywood actor-turned-director Roddy Genesys—and then cut to a smaller picture of Cindy. “Roddy’s group has now been missing for over six hours,” announced the reporter. “The weather conditions are treacherous, but a large rescue effort has been mobilized. It’s the first time the Hollywood star has been tramping in the Tararuas, or in New Zealand at all. Little is known about the party he’s with, other than that they are experienced. One of his fellow trampers is local star Lucinda Redd. She’s due to appear in his next movie.”

  There was no actual news—but lots of reporters filling in time until something happened. Holly turned down the sound until it was background noise—a soft rumble of voices in the quiet room. Nobody could sleep, so we stayed and waited. And waited some more.

  My eyes felt as though I had matchsticks propping them open, but I couldn’t sleep. I’d doze briefly, and then jerk awake. “I’m glad I’m here,” I said to Jasper. “I’d hate to be on my own.”

  “It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” He dropped a kiss on my temple and turned back to his phone. That wasn’t true though. He meant now, not in a few weeks’ time.

  I snuggled closer, needing his touch, his strength to anchor me. Any thoughts I’d had to protect my heart were as useless as an umbrella in a hurricane. I was in love with Jasper. And I’d be devastated when he left.

  *

  Every time my phone rang, it was Mum or one of my brothers, but nobody had news. By seven in the morning, I was crawling the walls with anxiety. Holly had one more text from Zack, but he had nothing either. There was no question of me going to work today. Holly had a day off booked anyway, and Jasper shuffled around his clients at the gym.

  The first glimmer of good news was when Iain called to say the cloud base lifted enough for a chopper to go out and search. By this time, the media was in a feeding frenzy. Reports of Roddy Genesys being missing flashed around the world, and someone spoke up about Dad leading the tramp. That meant my mum’s phone had to be switched off, as journalists were calling constantly.

  I
rubbed my face, and for the hundredth time wished this nightmare was over. “It’s no good,” I said. “I don’t want to sit here any longer. “Let’s go and wait with the SAR people.”

  Jasper pulled a face. “It’s not that easy. They started at Otaki Forks, but if they get choppered out, it’ll take them back to the base at Masterton, and we’ll have a two-hour drive in the opposite direction to get there. Much as I hate it, it’s best to wait here.”

  He was right, and I should have known that. I did know that, but I was tired and worried and not thinking straight.

  We picked at some toast, and then flicked through the news channels online. They wouldn’t hear anything before us, but it made me feel as though I was doing something. I learned more about Roddy Genesys than I needed to know, and far more about Cindy. She never ate gluten. Her favorite drink was Lime Caprioska. She only wore Italian lingerie. I skipped over that one, and then flicked to another page, only to be confronted by the Instagram picture of Cindy with Jasper on the beach. I stalled again at how beautiful they were together.

  I sat at the kitchen table, staring at my laptop, and Jasper peeked over my shoulder. “Ugh. I hate that shot. My mates called me Jassy for months after that. You have no idea how much stick I took.”

  I tried to crack a smile. Failed. “Why did you break up? You said she was needy, but what forced it?” —The fuck? Was I so in need of a distraction that I wanted to talk about Cindy?

  “Needy. Yup. That sums her up, but I tried to ignore it. I didn’t give her enough attention, and she cheated on me.” His voice was low. With my back to him, I couldn’t see his expression. “Just a one-night stand, and she said it didn’t mean anything. I was stupid to take her back, but she swore it would never happen again. Only it did, and that time, when I pulled the plug, it was final.”

  “I’m sorry.” It was inadequate, but I didn’t know what else to say.

  “Fuck. I might as well tell you everything. I was boring, she said. Stuck in small-town-ville. Never wanting anything bigger. Did the same old shit, day in and day out. You get my drift.”

  I had to see him. I pushed back my chair carefully, taking care not to bump into his legs. I stood, turned, and wrapped my arms around his neck. “She was wrong. You know that. Totally wrong.”

  His gaze was unfocused. “Not completely. I never thought of leaving here until then. I was happy with what we had. What I thought we had. So I decided to shake up my life, and yeah... Agreed to a race, fucked my car, fucked my leg, and nearly freakin’ killed myself. All to prove to fuck-knows-whom that there was something more to me.”

  He dropped his gaze to meet mine. “You know the rest.”

  “There’s plenty more to you. You don’t have to prove anything.”

  “Yes, I do. If I don’t leave now, I never will. It’s like I’ve been given a second chance, and I’m not going to waste it.”

  He wasn’t going to waste it on me. My emotions could have been spun in glass; I felt so brittle. How many more reminders did I need? I was relieved when Holly dashed up, phone in hand. If she hadn’t interrupted us, I might have said something irrevocable.

  “It’s Zack.” She laid the phone on the table and pressed the speaker button. I froze. All I heard was the pulse booming in my ears, but then Zack’s voice filtered into the kitchen, faint and crackling.

  “We found them.”

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Zack’s voice crackled, and then faded out. We found them. My heart thundered. I couldn’t tell from his voice whether it was good news or bad. Spots danced before my eyes, and I forced myself to breathe. No asphyxiation here, thank you. Air whistled in and out of my lungs again, and then I heard Zack speak.

  “Masterton.”

  The S&R base. They were being choppered out. Dear God. It must be serious.

  Jasper rested his hands on my shoulders and squeezed. It centered me. “We didn’t hear that,” he said. “Please repeat.”

  More radio silence, and then a popping noise. Zack’s voice came back faint, but audible. “Repeat—they are fine. Over.”

  My lips wobbled, and I had to close my eyes.

  “Zack, are you okay?” Worry threaded Holly’s words.

  “All good. Heading back. Over and out.”

  “Thank God.” Tears trickled down my cheeks, and I rubbed them away with my knuckles. Jasper and Holly spoke over my head, but I blocked them out.

  “Hey.” Jasper claimed the seat next to me and tugged me into his arms. “It’s good news. Don’t cry.”

  I laughed through my tears. It was croaky and slightly hysterical, but a laugh all the same. “I’m relieved. I was scared.” I swallowed hard and picked up my phone. “I need to tell my mum, in case she hasn’t heard.”

  It beeped with a text from Iain before I could do anything.

  They were found. All ok. More news soon.

  We had a tight hug, the three of us, and I cried a little more. The idea of anything happening to Dad always seemed ridiculous until now. I vowed silently to make more of an effort with my parents, and not to get so easily offended by their thoughtlessness. I was lucky to have them both. It was more than Jasper and Holly did.

  Relief, on top of no sleep, made me bone-achingly weary. Over the next half an hour, I spoke to Iain and Mum, and learned that transport was being arranged to pick up the trampers from the Masterton S&R base. I wasn’t needed for anything. Iain promised to give me the whole story when he found out, and I had to make do with that.

  The media had little more information, and after yawning my head off, I accepted an offer to lie in Jasper’s room for a nap.

  I collapsed onto his bed, fully dressed, and he tugged a comforter over me. “Get some rest,” he said. “I’ll wake you if there’s any change.”

  I didn’t want him to leave. I felt as helpless as a small child. “Stay with me?” Jasper lay down beside me, and I snuggled into his arms. He made everything feel better. “I don’t know what I’d have done without you, this last week,” I said.

  He huffed a laugh. “You’d have been fine. You’re stronger than you think, Caitlin.”

  You’re bombproof. Bruce’s words echoed in my brain. Why did everyone see me like that?

  “I’m serious. The café; making sure I was okay at my place during the blackout; and last night... You’ve been—” Wonderful? Amazing?

  “Don’t say I’m nice. That’s like an insult to my manhood.”

  I traced circles on his chest with my finger. “Okay. Not nice.”

  “That’s as bad.”

  “You must have been worried about Cindy, too.”

  “A little. It’s weird. Like I said, I was totally into her for so long, but now I wonder what the fuck I saw in her.”

  “Maybe she was right for you at the time?”

  “Maybe I wised up.” He hesitated. “I had a lot of growing up to do. And I still do. I don’t know when I’ll be ready for another relationship.”

  So he didn’t think of us as a relationship. That hurt, and it confirmed my fears. “When you are, let me know. You’re worth waiting for.” I made my tone playful, but he didn’t say anything for the longest time.

  “Caitlin, I’m worried you think this is more than it is.”

  Who was he trying to convince? Frustration bubbled in my veins. “Okay. Cards-on-table time. Right?” I rushed in before he could reply. “What do you think this is? Really? A casual fuck? A week-long booty call? A holiday fling?”

  “Why do we have to define it?” He sounded strained.

  “Because I want to know. I’m falling in love with you, Jasper. No. I’ve fallen. More like tumbled over the edge of a cliff. It cuts me inside, to not know how you feel or if you want me to wait for you while you go travelling.”

  He froze. “No.”

  “No to waiting?”

  “No to everything. You’re not in love with me. You—”

  I pushed myself to sit upright. “Oh no. You don’t get to tell me how I feel. You don’t l
ove me—I get that—but I can still love you.” Like Steph loved Zack. I shoved the thought aside.

  “I don’t want you to. I’m going to be away for a year. Maybe more.”

  “Holly waits for Zack when he’s deployed. How is that different?”

  “It just is.”

  We stared at each other, and the truth slammed into me. “It’s not about me waiting for you, is it? You want the freedom to see other women.”

  My words hung in the air.

  Jasper looked away first. He rubbed a hand across his chin, his gaze fixed on the window. “What if I said yes?”

  Logic told me I knew that. This whole thing had been commitment free.

  Only, that didn’t work for me anymore. I was in love with him, and now I needed to protect what remained of my heart.

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  “I should go.” I felt eerily calm.

  Something flashed across Jasper’s face, so quickly I couldn’t identify it. Fear? Relief? “Stay,” he said, his voice rough. “At least until Zack gets here and tells us what happened.”

  Should I? “No.” I threw back the comforter and scrambled out of bed. “Not now.”

  “Caitlin.”

  “I said no.” I was the biggest fool in history. He didn’t lead me on or pretend it was anything other than a fling. I had only myself to blame.

  “Don’t—”

  “Don’t what? Don’t get more attached to you than I should? Don’t imagine we might have any kind of future together? Too late. I already did.” Where were my shoes? In the hall, probably.

  My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I couldn’t imagine ever being able to feel this way again.

  Jasper tried to stop me again, but I dodged his outstretched hand and clattered down the corridor to the front door. One of the dogs trotted to me, but I ignored her. My goal was to get out and get back to my cottage, to lick my wounds in peace.

  We’d been around this loop. The first time we slept together, he regretted it and we argued. I should have kept my distance and not gotten in any deeper.