In the Heart of Forever

by Jo-Anna Walker

  “Oh, I know, but whose fault is that?” he asked me.

  Biting my inner cheek, I looked out the large floor to ceiling window that covered the whole wall. It gave a beautiful view of the hospital grounds. This really was a nice place.

  God, I hope she’s happy.

  ***

  As we walked down the long hallway, Ren would greet people every so often. I frowned. “How many times do you come here?”

  His eyes quickly flicked to mine and away, looking straight ahead of him. “Often enough.”

  “Why…?” A lump formed in my throat.

  “Why didn’t I tell you or bring you?”

  I nodded.

  His eyes widened. “Seriously?”

  Sighing, I stuck my hands back in my pocket, trudging along beside him. “Dumb question.”

  Clapping a hand on my shoulder, he led me to a large room. People milled about, all wearing casual clothes. No white coats on doctors or hideous patient gowns. At the back of the large room, several bookshelves lined the walls making my heart jump. Jesse.

  I stood inside the door and hesitated. I didn’t know why I was here or that it would do any good.

  Ren noticed my hesitation and grabbed my arm. “Come on.”

  People sat at tables, some reading, other drawing, some were chatting. It wasn’t what I expected at all. “Ren.”

  He turned to me as we walked to a door at the back of the room.

  I looked at him. “These people…”

  “What about them?”

  “They look…normal.”

  He laughed, amusement filling his gaze. “They are normal.”

  “But I thought…” Confusion and ran through me. “I don’t understand.”

  “You will.” He said and pulled me along to the back door. Knocking lightly, we waited. The door opened a minute later revealing a beautiful woman who was a couple years older than me…my eyes widened. “Emilia?”

  Her deep green eyes flicked to mine and bored into them. Her long dark hair was pulled back in a ponytail, showcasing her perfect skin, smooth chin and little nose. “Rave?” She gasped, clapping a hand over her mouth.

  I stood there. Frozen. It had been seven years. Seven years of guilt and regret. Seven years of hiding from her. Tears filled her eyes and she took an unsteady step towards me.

  My mouth opened and closed, but nothing came out.

  She stood about a foot away, tears now streaming down her face. “I never expected you to show up.” Her voice cracked.

  I looked at Ren. “You told her?”

  He nodded. “I told her I was going to drag your ass here even if you were kicking and screaming.”

  “You didn’t come willingly, did you?” she asked quietly.

  I looked down at her, reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek. “No. I’m sorry…”

  She threw her arms around my middle, throwing me off guard. “It’s ok. You’re here now. That’s all that counts.”

  My hands hovered over her back, not knowing exactly where to put them. She’s your sister, dumbass. Sighing, I wrapped my arms around her. It felt good to hug her again. To comfort her. To hold her.

  She sniffed and cried against my chest. “Oh Rave. I’ve missed you terribly.”

  Tears filled my eyes and I blinked them away, forcing them back. I would not cry. “Emilia, I—”

  She released me and grabbed my hand. “Come.”

  I followed behind her and looked back at Ren. He nodded encouragingly, before joining us in the small office. Emilia pulled me to a black leather couch that sat against the wall. The office was small but modern. One wall had pictures of…us. The three of us. Siblings. Oh God.

  We sat down beside each other but I couldn’t take my eyes away from the collage of pictures. They were from when we were young. When we were happy. Before…before Jim came into our lives.

  A lump formed in my throat and I turned to Emilia. She wore a smile and her cheeks were wet with tears but she looked happy. How could she be happy? Why wasn’t she yelling and screaming at me? I didn’t protect her. Everything was my fault. My eyes widened. Jesse blamed herself for everything and I snapped at her, telling her not to and here I was, doing the exact same thing. God, I was such a hypocrite.

  “Rave, I’ve missed you so much,” Emilia said, her voice small.

  “Why?” I asked, before I could stop myself. I didn’t understand how she could be so calm and why she wasn’t furious with me.

  “Rave,” Ren admonished.

  Emilia looked at Ren and then back at me. She frowned. “What do you mean, why? You’re my little brother. Why wouldn’t I miss you?”

  I swallowed hard. “Because…because I didn’t protect you.”

  She didn’t respond right away. Her eyes bored into mine, searching my face. “What are you talking about?” She finally asked.

  “Never mind, I should go.” I released myself from her grip.

  “No, I don’t think so. I finally see you after all these years and you’re wanting to leave. What is wrong with you, Rave? Why haven’t you called me? Why have you ignored all of my letters?” She threw question after question and I didn’t know how to answer them. My throat closed up. I rose from the couch and she followed suit, grabbing my arm. “We need to get this sorted. Whatever is going on with you, we need to fix it.”

  I spun on her. “You can’t fix it. It’s all me. I didn’t protect you. You told me the truth and I didn’t believe you. I could have stopped it. But I didn’t and look where you are,” I yelled.

  Her eyes widened. “Is that what this is about?”

  Ren stepped up beside us.

  “You thought this was all your fault?” she asked quietly.

  I didn’t answer. My chest rose and fell with ragged breathing, my heart pounding hard in my chest.

  “Oh Rave.” She took a step towards me but I held my hands up.

  “Why aren’t you yelling at me? Why don’t you hate me?”

  “What the hell are you talking about? I could never hate you. You’re my brother. My baby brother,” she cried.

  Fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. “You didn’t do this, Rave. All of this was on Jim.”

  Opening my mouth to deny that, I realized that I did. For the past seven years, I blamed myself for what was done to her by our stepfather. That’s why I had ignored her attempts at contacting me. I didn’t deserve her love or anyone else’s for that matter. I was punishing myself.

  Emilia looked at Ren and then back at me. “How could you blame yourself? It had nothing to do with you. Why, Rave? Why would you put yourself through that torture?”

  “Because it’s true. It’s all my fault. If I would have believed you, then…then…” I stuttered, my voice cracking. My stomach churned at the memories of her running into my bedroom, her frightened big green eyes begging for help.

  I crumpled to my knees as the guilt swallowed me. Placing my head in my hands, I rocked back and forth.

  Warm arms wrapped around me as Emilia sobbed against my shoulder. “I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with this guilt all of this time. Why didn’t you come to me? We could have worked through this together.”

  Ren didn’t comment or interject at all in our conversation. He knew this had to be done. He brought me to our sister to help me. If I could help myself then maybe I could help Jesse…Oh God, Jesse. What if Allan attacked her again? “Jesse,” I whispered.

  “Jesse?” Emilia asked.

  “His girlfriend.” He answered. But she was no longer my girlfriend was she? Placing a large hand on the back of my neck, he squeezed reassuringly. “Rave, lets deal with this first and then we can talk about Jesse and fill Emilia in on that.”

  I took a deep breath, tears leaking from my eyes. “I was scared to come to you. After…after what I did to Jim. I thought you’d hate me,” I said softly.

  “I could never hate you. Because of what you did, it saved me. He couldn’t hurt me anymore.” She sighed. “I actually blamed my
self for you being sent away.”

  My head snapped up to hers. “Why?”

  She smiled lightly. Reaching out, she placed a hand on my cheek. “Because you’re my baby brother. I’m supposed to protect you.”

  I shook my head. “No, I—”

  “Don’t start that macho crap, I’m a boy and I’m bigger than you. Older sisters are supposed to protect. Did you ever stop and think that maybe I blamed myself for what happened to you?” Tears rolled down her cheeks as guilt flashed in her eyes. She blamed herself? No, that wasn’t possible. That wasn’t right.

  “What? Why? How could you possibly blame yourself? It’s all my…”

  “No. Stop right there.” Her eyes darkened. “Just stop. We both need to stop blaming ourselves. The only difference between you and I is, I didn’t hide from you. You shut yourself out from everyone.”

  “I wasn’t allowed to contact anyone in juvie.”

  “Don’t lie to me. I called them. I tried to set up meetings with you. Yes, I know it would’ve only been once or twice a year but that would have been better than you shutting me out of your life completely.”

  I glared at Ren. Only he could’ve told her that supervised meetings were allowed.

  “Don’t blame him. I called them myself. They told me you didn’t want to see me.” She pointed at me.

  “It’s not that I didn’t want to see you, Emilia. I felt…I blamed…” I sighed, running a hand through my hair.

  “Oh, I know. Now I know that you blamed yourself but how do you think I felt? I even sent you letters but did you respond? No.”

  I looked away, shame ripping whatever shred of dignity I had left.

  “I thought you hated me for what happened. I thought you felt that it was my fault that you got sent away, Rave. When you didn’t respond to my calls or letters, I went to Ren. He wouldn’t tell my anything. Because he promised you. He was loyal to you, Rave. He only told me things recently because it’s happening again.”

  I frowned and looked up at her. “What—?”

  “No details, just that your temper is going to get the best of you again if you don’t smarten your ass up,” Ren interjected.

  “No it won’t. I’ve learned my lesson.” I countered, glaring at Ren. “The police are going to deal with it.”

  “Seriously? Why don’t you tell Emilia what happened last night?” Ren sat back on his hunches and crossed his arms under his chest, challenging me.

  “What happened?” Emilia asked.

  Biting my inner cheek, I turned to her. “I walked in on Jesse’s stepfather trying to…” I swallowed hard. “…rape her and I almost strangled him.”

  Emilia gasped, her eyes widening. “Rave, you can’t do that again.”

  “I know, alright?” I snapped. I had learned my lesson. If something happened now, I wouldn’t be sent to juvie. I would be sent to prison and even though I could fight, I wasn’t sure if I could survive there.

  She shook her head. “Ok, first off. What’s this issue with Jesse?”

  “She’s my girlfriend or was, anyways,” I mumbled.

  “Was?” she asked.

  “She left this morning. Her stepfather has been raping her but I stopped it last night before he could do it again and I called the police.” God I missed her. I really wanted to see her and make sure everything was alright.

  “And you’re trying to protect her from that happening again,” Emilia added.

  I nodded.

  “Wow. Déjà vu.” She placed her hand on my arm. “Rave, you can’t protect everyone. You need to watch out for yourself but I’m glad that you called the police this time.”

  “Jesse stopped me from strangling him. If it wasn’t for her, he…I don’t know how far it would have gone.” I shrugged out of her grip and rose to my feet. “I won’t let him hurt her again. I’ll fucking kill him. I’ll do it. I swear to God, I will kill that bastard if he touches her again.” My voice filled with venom as anger seeped through my bones, making my heart race against my chest.

  “Yeah? And then what happens if you get caught again? Huh?” Emilia yelled. “You won’t go to juvie this time. You’ll go to prison. Hard time. And not for seven years. Jim was a cop and look at what you did to him. You’re lucky you didn’t get put away for life.”

  “Jim deserved everything he got.” I growled. “And I’d do it all over again if it meant protecting you.”

  “And I appreciate that, but that right there is what’s going to get you into trouble again. You need to control your temper, Rave. If you want to save this Jesse girl, then you need to calm down. You need to think before doing something.” Emilia said softly.

  I sighed, shoving my hands in my pockets. “I…”

  “We are here for you. You can’t go at this by yourself. There are ways we can deal with this situation,” Ren said.

  “She blamed herself for everything. I think I have her convinced that it’s not her fault but I’m not sure. I need to get her out of there.” My heart tore and my blood boiled just thinking that she was home alone with that monster.

  Emilia raised an eyebrow. “Sounds like someone else we know, doesn’t it?”

  “I…” All of these years, I blamed myself for what happened to Emilia when really it was only Jim’s fault.

  Oh God, after all of this time. “I’m so sorry, Emilia.” I pulled her into my arms, squeezing her. Hugging her with everything in me. All of the guilt that I carried on my shoulders for seven years came crashing down around me. How could I expect Jesse to stop blaming herself for everything when I hadn’t forgiven myself?

  Emilia cried against my chest, wrapping her arms around me. “I’m so sorry, Rave. I’m so sorry for the guilt and blame you put on yourself. I never wanted that. Never. Please forgive me. Forgive me for the hell I put you through.”

  Was I hearing her properly? She was apologizing to me? I released myself from her and held her at arm’s length, looking down into her tear filled gaze. “You have nothing to apologize for, Emilia. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for not returning your calls or your letters. I’m sorry for not believing you originally when you came to me and but I’m not sorry for what I did to Jim or Jesse’s stepfather.”

  She sighed. “Well that’s a start but I want you to stop feeling guilty over what happened seven years ago. It’s in the past. I’m over it and you should be too.”

  My eyes flicked to Ren’s and then back to hers. “You’re over it?”

  Emilia turned and sat back on the couch. “I’ve been getting help.”

  I joined her on the couch and Ren pulled up a chair. “Are you a patient here?”

  She laughed. “No, but I was.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Emilia grabbed my hand. “Rave, you know I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia when I was a kid.”

  I nodded.

  “Well, when Jim first started…” She swallowed. “hurting me, I went to mom about it but she told me I was hallucinating and blamed it on my illness.”

  Anger bubbled in my belly but I didn’t speak, letting her continue.

  “I don’t think anyone would have believed me if it wasn’t for you walking in and catching him,” She confessed.

  My stomach clenched at the memories of Jim on top of my sister, forcing his hands…I shook my head.

  “After that night, all of our lives took a turn for what we thought was the worst when really, Rave, you saved me. You helped me realize that I needed help. Mom never had the doctors put me on medication. She thought it was all in my head. After you got sent to juvie, I came here and admitted myself, voluntarily.”

  “You did?” I asked, shocked that she would do such a thing.

  She nodded, smiling slightly. “This place has been my home away from home for the last seven years, Rave.”

  “I thought you lived with Abigail.”

  “Yes, I do. But that’s only been for the past year. She’s been my life saver. If it wasn’t for her, Ren and this place…”
She squeezed my hand. “and you…”

  My eyes widened.

  “I don’t know where I would be right now,” she added.

  “Me?” She thought I had helped her?

  We both sat there, embracing in our hug when heavy arms wrapped around us both. The three of us. Siblings. Back together finally.

  Now I just had to get Jesse back and get her the hell away from Allan. For good.

  In the Heart of Us

  Part 4

  Jesse Dawson

  Chapter 31

  Jesse

  When Rave and Ren left me alone that morning, I really thought I was making the right decision. I couldn’t have Rave watching over me constantly. It wasn’t possible. I knew he wanted to protect me. Protect me from the evilness of my stepfather. Rave had already been through too much in his young life to take on another burden like myself, but I had told him that we would talk about that later. I didn’t know what I was going to do.

  The look in Rave’s deep green eyes as he wrapped his hands around Allan’s neck terrified me. He would have killed him if I wouldn’t have done something. My chest tightened. Should I leave Rave? Would he be better off without me?

  Needing to keep myself busy, I cleaned up Rave’s apartment. My eyes kept flicking to the entrance door, like Allan would barge in at any moment.

  The hair at the back of my neck rose. I needed to get out of there. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life locked away in Rave’s apartment. Even though according to Allan, I had deserved everything that was thrown my way…Oh God, mom.

  Did I deserve everything? It’s not your fault.

  God, how many times did I hear Rave say that to me? Was I finally listening? It’s like something had changed in me in the past month. My emotions were scattered and all over the place but I was more angry and furious. Not the timid, shy little girl I once was. A traumatic experience can change a person and I hoped Allan rotted in Hell for the shit he did to me.

  Pulling my phone out of my bag, I put the ear buds in my ear and turned the music up loud. Drowning out my thoughts, while I continued tidying up the small home. After a couple of songs, the music was interrupted by someone calling me. Sighing, I answered without checking to see who it was.