For the Love of Suzanne

by Hudecek-Ashwill, Kristi

  “I should have known better than to travel this country with a white woman,” he chastised himself. “You heard Boris. It ain’t right,” he mimicked the old fur trapper.

  She smiled briefly at his mocking then grew serious again. “Nobody thinks or says anything about it in my world. Being Indian is who you are and you should wear it proudly. It’s your heritage.”

  “My heritage is going down with a bottle of whiskey in one hand, beer in the other, and no pride in the heart. It doesn’t seem to bother my people to take handouts or to sit at the doors of the saloons in drunken stupors. We’re supposed to be free yet they are slaves to the whiskey and the laziness. It will ruin the Indian nations,” he said sadly. “And the worst of it is I helped get us there.”

  “You were acting in good faith, Cody. The government lied to you just like it lied to everyone else.”

  He shook his head in disbelief. “I wish I had never become an agent. I didn’t want my people to get swindled and with my education and being able to communicate effectively with the whites, I thought I could stop it. It looks like I added to the problem instead,” he said quietly with open self-loathing. He looked at her. “You’re from the future. What does it hold for my people?”

  She met his eyes. “Are you sure you want to know?” she asked uncertainly, not sure telling him was a good idea. He was tormented enough as it was.

  “Yes. Tell me.”

  “Well,” she cleared her throat uneasily. “Keep in mind, I’m not up on Indian issues, but many Indian people of my time do not hold jobs; they drink excessively, use drugs and end up in the gutters of the reservations, towns and cities. The government gives them money, housing and food, and they don’t have to work for it. Their living conditions are substandard,” she explained, seeing him becoming upset. “But like all people, some are very industrious and have money and do well for themselves,” she added quickly.

  “This is what the future holds?” he asked with disappointment, ignoring her last statement.

  She nodded solemnly. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t have told you,” she said sincerely, wishing she could take back the words.

  “Yes, you should have. You did the right thing. I know it’s already starting. I don’t like what I heard, but I know it’s the truth.”

  “Yes, it is,” she said softly.

  They were quiet for a long moment, just cooking the meat and gazing at the fire as the cold air bit their faces and fingers. Their hands and fingers were covered, but the cold was permeating the hides and fur.

  He let out an audible shiver and cupped his hands over his mouth and blew into them then rubbed them together. “It is so cold,” he said shakily as his teeth began to chatter.

  She quickly retrieved his stick that he’d dropped and held the meat over the fire. “I wish there was something I could do,” she said morosely. “I’d like to help you.”

  “Honey, the only thing that’s going to help us now is if one of those horses comes back, preferably Titan. He’s bigger and can carry us both without a lot of trouble and he has all of our supplies,” he said as he shivered and tried to whistle and failed. “I can’t even whistle anymore,” he said with frustration and stood up and began to pace around the fire. “It’s so cold.”

  She watched him, wondering if he was okay. She’d never seen him act irrationally before and he wasn’t himself. “Are you okay?” she asked worriedly.

  “Yes. I’m just cold,” he growled as he walked around the fire as if in a daze, rubbing his hands together and blowing into them. “Damn, it’s cold.”

  She watched him, thinking he might be delirious from the loss of blood, fatigue, hunger and yes, the cold. She was sure he was on the edge when he started walking away, unbuttoning his coat and singing. “Hey!” she protested and ran after him and grabbed him by the arm, but he kept moving.

  He wasn’t walking fast, but he was oblivious to her. “TITAN!” he yelled so loudly that it echoed through the trees. “TITAN!” he called again and again as she ran to catch up with him. He threw his coat on the ground and started walking in wide circles, speaking his native language and stopped calling for the horse.

  She quickly retrieved the heavy garment and stopped him long enough to put it back on him.

  He spread his arms as she buttoned it. “I don’t want this. I’m warm now.”

  “You can’t be,” she said as she struggled with the buttons with her shaking fingers. “Come on. We need to get back to camp,” she said as she started dragging him by the arm only to have him fall onto his back.

  He laid still and began to laugh as he looked up. “How many stars are in the sky?”

  “I have no idea,” she said shortly and began to pull on his arm. “Get up, Cody. You have to help me.”

  “Help you what?” he asked innocently. “I’m doing fine riiight here,” he drawled.

  “Oh God, help me,” she begged breathlessly and struggled to get him to his feet and just ended up falling to her knees next to him.

  He looked up at her with no recognition in his eyes. “Whoa. You’re beautiful,” he said in awe. “Are you an angel?”

  “Get up,” she said between clenched teeth as she pulled on his arm and then slid her arm around the back of his neck only to pull his long hair as she finally got him to sit up.

  “Ow. That hurt,” he protested casually. “I guess that means you want me to get up.”

  “Yes. Just move to the fire,” she directed him.

  “Okay,” he said simply and easily rose to his feet and walked toward camp as if nothing was wrong.

  She struggled to her feet and followed him, catching up with him and guiding him to the fire. She eased him into a sitting position and handed him the stick with the cooked rabbit on it. “I think this is done now,” she told him, sitting beside him.

  He took a bite. “It needs salt.”

  “Titan has our supplies,” she reminded him, knowing he wasn’t thinking straight.

  “That damn horse,” he hissed and took a deep breath and cupped his hands over his mouth. “TITAN!” he yelled at the top of his lungs and looked at her with a smart little laugh. “I’ll bet you can’t yell that loud.”

  She shook her head. “I don’t think I can.”

  He ate some more of the rabbit. “This damn thing will probably be frozen before I get it eaten,” he grumbled. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this cold,” he said wondrously.

  “It is very cold,” she agreed, fearing for him and hoping he wasn’t freezing to death. “Please, Cody, eat. You need to keep up your strength so you can get us back to Arizona.”

  “I’m eating, I’m eating,” he grumbled and did eat and ate well, much to her relief. But after he was through, he began to shiver violently again and crossed his arms over his chest and laid down in the snow. “I’m so cold,” he barely whispered. “Why won’t that horse come back?” he moaned in defeat.

  She was worried about him as she lay down next to him, keeping him close to the fire, having no idea as to what to do. She moved on top of him and buried her face in his neck, hoping she wasn’t making him colder.

  He slid his hands into the fur of her coat. “You’re cold, too. I know you are,” he said softly.

  “I’m not as cold as you are. Is this helping?”

  “Just having you in my arms is helping,” he said drowsily.

  She raised her head and looked into his handsome, exhausted face. “Don’t go to sleep,” she said sternly and kissed his cold lips for a moment. “Cody, don’t you dare go to sleep. You told me I would freeze to death if I did and now I’m telling you.”

  “I just need a minute,” he said thickly. “Wake me up in a minute.”

  “No. Stay awake. Please,” she begged and kissed him again. “I love you,” she said softly into his ear. “Don’t leave me.”

  He was slowly running his hands up and down her back through the thick fur coat, murmuring things in his Native language under his breath. “I love you,” he
whispered as his hands moved slower and slower until he stopped.

  She raised her head and gazed into his relaxed, handsome face, thinking he was either sleeping or dead. She couldn’t feel him breathing through the bulk of their coats nor could she hear him or see his breath. God, why didn’t he snore like Beau used to?

  She slid off him and grabbed him by the coat. “Cody, wake up!” she said loudly and shook him violently. When he didn’t move or make a sound, she shook him even harder. “Wake. Up,” she said between clenched teeth and shook him again with anger and frustration. “Don’t you leave me out here. You promised to get me back where I came from,” she growled as she shook him as hard as she could.

  He focused on her with bleary eyes. “Were you talking to me, sweetheart?” he asked with surprising clarity.

  She sighed with relief and choked back her tears, so afraid that he was going to die. “Let’s get moving. Okay?”

  “I think I’m dying,” he said weakly.

  “No, you aren’t,” she said breathlessly. “You are not dying on me, Cody Black Fox. I won’t let you,” she said with determination. “I’m not going to sit back and watch the only man I’ve ever loved die in this hellhole. We’re moving now!”

  He’d voiced her worst fears. If he died, not only would she fail to make it back to her world, but she would be lost in this one forever without him. She knew she could stay here if she had to, as long as she was with him, but without him, she didn’t want to exist. She wasn’t about to let him go.

  “Cody,” she said a little more calmly and pressed a kiss to his cold lips, her heart slowly breaking as she watched him suffer. She thought she would be the one to go down and was surprised that it was him. She was going to help him. They were going to survive this together. “Stay with me,” she begged in a quiet voice. “We’re going to make it. Come on now,” she said and stood up and grabbed him by the arm. “Come. On,” she said fiercely as she pulled him as hard as she could.

  Miraculously, he gained his feet on his own volition then kicked snow over the weak fire. “I don’t know how far I can make it,” he said breathlessly. “I’m about frozen.”

  She held him around his waist as he held her around her shoulders, struggling to hold him up. “I know you are, but we can make it,” she said confidently. “We have to make it. We can do this.”

  He nodded, breathing hard, the cold air frosting his breath. “If I fall, let me lie. Keep going. Just keep going in the same direction and you’ll get there,” he said seriously.

  “You’re out of your mind. I’m not going to leave you here,” she said with disbelief that he’d even suggested such a thing.

  “Suzanne, I love you. God knows I do, but I’ve done you a grave injustice by bringing you here. Listen to me now,” he panted. “There’s no point in both of us dying. You’re obviously better suited to make the trip. If I fall, leave me,” he said sternly, his teeth chattering and his breath coming out in short, labored puffs. “I mean it.”

  “No. You ask too much of me this time. I would do anything for you, anything in the world, but I won’t do that. If you fall, I will pick you up,” she said with near desperation, breathing hard along with him.

  “You can’t. I’m too big for you to haul. Just keep on the same course we’re on now a-and,” he coughed for a moment and commenced breathing as if he’d run a marathon. “And you will find your way home.”

  “What if I find the horse?” she asked anxiously. “Can you make it on the horse?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t know. The horse isn’t here, Suzanne,” he said raggedly. “He’s been gone for hours and I don’t think he’s coming back.”

  “Maybe we can find an old abandoned cabin or something.”

  “There’s nothing out here, honey,” he said with surprising lucidity. “Just wilderness for miles around. You’ll be all right,” he said with weak confidence and kissed her with shaking lips. “Just keep moving.”

  “I’m not going anywhere without you,” she said with fortitude, tightening her hold on him. “Come on now. We can do this.”

  He walked just a few steps and sunk to his hips in a snowdrift. “Oh my God!” he yelled up at the sky with frustration, raising his arms weakly as he looked at the stars. “Give me a hand here. Please.”

  Chapter 37

  Suzanne dropped to her knees and began to frantically pull the snow away from him. “I’ll get you out,” she said earnestly as she quickly dug.

  “Forget me, Suzanne,” he pleaded. “Go before you die, too.”

  “Forgive me, Cody, but shut the hell up,” she spat. “I’m not going to do anything of the sort,” she said as she labored without stopping.

  He laughed. “Shut the hell up?”

  “That’s what I said,” she panted without remorse as she worked to free him.

  He laughed some more. “I’ve never heard that before.”

  She looked at him with a smile. “I could teach you all sorts of lingo.”

  “Lingo?”

  “Language. Slang words and phrases and trust me, they’re not all good.”

  “Oh,” he said feebly.

  She looked at him as she continued to dig. “Would you like that?”

  “Yes. I would like that very much.”

  “Well, it isn’t going to happen if you give up and die on me out here,” she said as she exerted herself, shoving the snow away from his legs.

  He began to move the snow, too, even though he was exhausted and weak. He was trying to help her when he heard twigs and branches break behind her. He grabbed her arm and got her attention. “Go get my gun,” he whispered to her. “Move easy. There’s something moving behind you.”

  She looked over her shoulder then jumped to her feet with excitement. “Titan,” she said happily and ran to get the horse.

  Cody lowered his head humbly. “Thank you,” he whispered and made the sign of the cross over his chest.

  She took the huge horse’s reins and led him to Cody. “You don’t need your gun for him, do you?”

  “Not if he’s okay.”

  “I don’t know if he is or not. I can’t tell.”

  “We’ll find out. Find the rope on the saddle and tie it to the horn then give me the end. He’s going to drag me out of here.”

  The light was good enough for her to easily find it then clumsily did as he’d instructed. Her fingers were so stiff from the cold and they hurt when she tied the knot, but she forged ahead, wanting to save him.

  She handed the other end to him. “Can you hold it?”

  “Not really, but I’m going to have to if I want to get out of here.”

  “Maybe I can tie it around your chest.”

  “You can try. I can’t believe how weak I am,” he said with wonder. “Be careful not to sink in here with me.”

  “I’m trying,” she said as she inched her way to him. “You’re cold, but now everything is going to be okay,” she assured him as she clumsily tied the rope around his chest as he feebly raised his arms. She tied it as tight as she could then planted a kiss to his icy cheek. “Are you ready?” she asked breathlessly.

  He nodded. “Yeah. Just walk him slowly.”

  “Okay,” she said barely above a whisper as she got to her feet and trudged through the snow to the front of the animal and took him by the halter. “We have to save your master so be good,” she murmured to him. She gave a couple of light ticks and began to lead him slowly, watching Cody as he emerged from the snow almost like a phoenix rising.

  It wasn’t a long operation and when he was dragged on his belly a few yards away from the drift he’d fallen into, she stopped the horse and let Cody rest on top of the snow while she untied the rope from the saddle.

  He rolled onto his back, panting, his breath crystallizing in the air. “Give me the reins so we don’t have to walk anymore.”

  She did so quickly and knelt beside him to untie the rope around him, impervious to the sharp, needle-like pricking pain shooting throu
gh her fingers. She clumsily wound up the rope again as best as she could and put it back on the saddle.

  He wrapped the reins around his hand and closed his eyes in agony. “God is good,” he whispered unevenly. “God is good.”

  She knelt beside him. “Yes, Cody. God is good.”

  He closed his eyes wearily and breathed heavily, still holding the reins as he tried to rest.

  She had never been a religious person, but had always believed in God and knew Cody did, too, and looked up into the starry sky. “Will you help me get him someplace warm?” she asked softly. “I don’t know where to go and I don’t think he can navigate. Please help us.”

  His awkward movements got her attention and she jumped to her feet to help him to his, grateful that Titan was so close. Cody was so weak and tired, she didn’t know how long she could hold him up. But she tried and guided him to the big horse and stood beside him and looked, wondering how she was going to get him up on his back.

  Cody turned to her and with a burst of strength, lifted her into his arms and set her in the saddle. With amazing agility and strength, he vaulted up behind her on his first attempt.

  She took the reins from him. “Hold onto me. I don’t want you to fall,” she ordered.

  He moved both of his arms around her thick waist, resting his hands on her baby and leaned his forehead against the back of her head. He was so cold and so tired and had lost the feeling in his fingers and toes hours ago. He was exhausted and wanted to sleep.

  Suzanne shared his exhaustion, but she knew it was up to her to get them out of here and ticked the horse into a slow walk. She had chased Cody in so many directions, she couldn’t tell where they’d come from or where she needed to go and looked up at the star-filled dark sky again. “Please,” she whispered.

  She felt as if she were guiding Titan in circles through the thick trees and snow when a bright light appeared from nowhere in front of her. Her heart gave a rush of hope and she hoped she wasn’t hallucinating as she steered the stallion toward it and changed directions with it. She was following without hesitation.

  Cody felt the warmth engulfing him. Heat and…safety. He raised his head and squinted at the bright light. “What the…?” he trailed off in confusion.