Resistor

by Ellis, Madelynne

  “Nothing.” He shook his head. “I don’t want anything. I just need you to stay away from me.” He pushed away from the wall and began to walk.

  “Why?” she demanded, jogging along behind him. She was not letting this go. God help her, why would anyone who had any chance with him ever let him go? The man oozed sex, and yes, the fact he was so bloody unattainable made her want to fight all the harder. The job part was a mere side issue. Important, but nothing compared to the developing personal relationship between them. “For Christ’s sake, Spook, will you just give me a straight answer? Why do I need to stay away? Give me it in black and white. Something I can understand.” Because so far nothing made any sense. It wasn’t as if he was saying, “I don’t want you,” or “I don’t fancy you.” On the contrary, bodily, she knew he wanted her every bit as much as she wanted him. She hadn’t imagined the heat rising off him when he’d pinned her against that table, nor the soft, desperate groans he’d made in the back of his throat as he’d ravished her lips. And she definitely hadn’t imagined him thrusting two fingers into her until she died a little death in his arms.

  “Look, I’m not going to turn down the job of the century without a bloody good reason. So, tell me why it is I need to stay away, or you’re stuck with me.”

  “Because I like you too much!” He folded his arms defensively. “I want you too much. Do you understand that, Alle? You need to stay away because I can’t fucking control myself around you. You smash through every shield I have.”

  “How can you want somebody too much?”

  “You can if you know it’ll hurt them.”

  He hadn’t hurt her, well, other than by not calling, and with what he was doing now. Yeah, that hurt.

  “Alle, I get off on the idea of pain… of your pain. I’ll hurt you.” His gaze dropped to her wrists, but the red marks had already faded.

  “Seriously?” She rocked on her heels as realisation hit. “Is that what this is about? Spook, I get off on the idea of my pain. What happened between us last time in the studio, and afterwards at your hotel, that was one of the best nights of my life. You crawled under my skin and slid into the deepest recesses of my soul. You didn’t hurt me.” She tilted her head to one side. “OK, I’ll admit my nipples were bruised for days afterwards, but every time I felt that ache, I thought of you and it turned me on all over again. I nipped them again myself just so that I could prolong the memory.”

  Dear God, was he really concerned about the hurt he’d caused her, or was it just a line? Past boyfriends had expressed similar sentiments, but in those cases, they’d been dubious about the whole thing from the outset. Spook had never been that. He’d got off on what he’d done every bit as much as she had. Then again, wasn’t that exactly what he was saying?

  “You didn’t hurt me just now in the limo either. See?” She raised her arms so he could see her wrists, just in case he remained in any doubt.

  The panic in his eyes didn’t lessen any. Figuring she needed to make the point more firmly, Alle reached up and smoothed her palm across one breast. Spook’s gaze fastened upon her hand as she caught the nipple between fingertip and thumb, then pinched hard and twisted. The thick fabric of her dress blocked out most of the sensation, but a thread of fire still shot down towards her pussy, making her shiver. “I like it, Spook. I like it a lot.”

  “Don’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “It makes me think about…”

  “Doing it,” she finished for him.

  He shook his head in denial, but they both knew he was simply trying to repress the urge.

  “Shall I tell you what I’d like you to do?”

  “No,” he said, but his gaze was fever-hot. “You’ve said enough already.”

  “But I haven’t told you everything. I want you to strip me naked and hold me on all fours. Then I want you to twist my hair into a long rope and pull it hard while you fuck me even harder with that very, very pretty cock of yours.”

  A faint smile played over his lips. She’d known it would, because she’d presented a safe scenario, over one which he had absolute control, because penetration was completely off the agenda. He’d just proved that. No matter what he claimed about his defences, there were still a few in place. Any other man would have fucked her. Still, that didn’t mean she couldn’t imagine or plead for it. Hell, she envisaged doing a lot of pleading for it. Maybe one day he might even surprise her.

  “Wouldn’t you like to fuck me hard, Spook?”

  He groaned through his gritted teeth. The word ‘no’ sat on his lips. She could see it. But they both knew that saying it would make him an outright liar.

  “Maybe spank me first, for getting you so worked up.” She reached up and grasped the lapel of his jacket while looking up into his handsome face.

  “Don’t touch me.” He tried to step back, away from her, but she held on to the leather and moved with him.

  “I’d like to touch you all over, Spook, and not just with my fingers, but with my lips too. I want to worship you with my whole body. I want you to paint my skin with your seed and spank my arse. I want you to roll me on the floor and use me as your plaything; tie me up, take whatever you need, while I beg for release. We’re a match, Spook.”

  “We are not a match.”

  “Yin and Yang, Mars and Venus, perfect opposites. We fit together.”

  “Alle.” He pushed her hand way. “You don’t know a goddamned thing about me.”

  “I know enough that I’m willing to take a chance on learning more.”

  “And when you learn things that aren’t so nice?”

  She took hold of his lapels again, this time grasping them tight with both hands. She used them to tug him closer.

  “Stop making excuses.”

  Their mouths were mere inches apart. She could feel his hot breath on her skin.

  “Let’s go somewhere right now.” Preferably his room. “You’re too uptight. I know how to help you calm down.” She slid one hand around the back of his neck and urged him forward a little. She wanted his kisses again, his dominance and possessiveness, not this. “Please.” Tenderly, she brushed her lips against his and felt the sharp intake of his breath. “I want you, Spook.” She kept on gently kissing him, praying for some give on his part too. “I don’t understand why you won’t let me love you. Why is that so hard for you? I know it’s not really about the pain, not wholly, anyway. Please…”

  Finally, he kissed her back, but so softly it was like the ghost of a kiss. “You’re wrong, Alle. It’s all about the pain. If I’d ever believed we had a chance, I would have contacted you. I’m sorry, really I am, but you have to forget about me.”

  Chapter Eight

  She was not going to cry.

  She was not going to cry.

  Spook had stalked off, and somehow there didn’t seem any point in following. Most likely he’d headed in the direction of the bar and was now telling Graham and Max the deal wasn’t happening. Of course, she didn’t expect him to give them any more of a valid reason for his objections than he’d given her, but the net result would be damaging just the same. No Black Halo contract wouldn’t just mean this opportunity fell through. Oh no, because people had seen them talking tonight. Rumours would spread and questions would be asked about why she was no longer in favour. She’d end up back in the basement suite with the torn up chairs and threadbare carpet tiles revisiting pre-digital classics if this deal collapsed.

  Alle stood in the dark, letting the wind whip her hair into knots, completely at a loss over what to do. She’d tried reasoning with him. Tried getting pushy and in his face… and in his pants too. Nothing seemed to get through to him.

  Irritably, she rubbed at her nose. The base tingled from the strain of suppressing her tears, and she dared not blink too hard or she was going to end up blubbing.

  Pulling her shoulders back, she stood tall. She’d learned young that the way to get what you wanted was to stand up and fight for it. You di
dn’t sit down and take it when things went wrong. She needed a strategy and some kind of plan.

  “Allegra?”

  She turned to see Xane approaching, his dark hair streaming behind him in the wind, which had grown strong enough to blow his leather jacket near half off his shoulders. The man was seriously good to look at, even if he wasn’t nearly as fascinating to her as Spook.

  “What are you doing out here? You must be half frozen.” He clasped the top of her arm just below the edge of her sleeve. “Where’s Spook?”

  The way he said it made it sound like an accusation, as if she’d clobbered him and buried him six feet under, rather than pleaded for the chance to bring him pleasure. She shook her head and fixed Xane with a rigid stare. If she blinked, she was going to crumble.

  “I assume you did find him?”

  “He won’t talk. He just wants me to stay away from him.” Her bottom lip trembled, so she dug her teeth into it. “How the hell am I supposed to do that?” She bowed her head and shook it. “Why would I do that? Why the fuck is he doing this, Xane?”

  She raised her chin, to find him looking down at her, his expression gentle, despite the unnaturalness of his UV reflective contact lenses.

  “Because someone hurt him, and I don’t just mean they left him with a few cuts and bruises. They did a real number on him. That memory’s never going away. It’s defined every moment since. Allegra, you have to understand, Spook hasn’t looked at a woman in the way he looks at you for years. His emotions have been on total lock down. Is it any wonder that you’re freaking him out? You’re not exactly gentle with him.”

  “I’m not gentle with him?” She gawked at Xane, curiously outraged. “He says he’s frightened of hurting me, but… he’s not going to hurt me. Not more than he’s doing right now, saying that I can’t come anywhere near him.”

  “He just needs some time to adjust. Let him cool off a while.”

  She shook her head. If she did that, she’d be waiting forever. He’d walk away and do exactly the same thing he’d done after the last time they’d met. Never call, because then he didn’t have to deal. Well fuck that. She wanted him to deal.

  “So I’m supposed to forget about him and the album until he feels calm enough to be reasonable?”

  Xane raised his hand to hush her. “No — you do not forget the deal. It’s all worked out now, anyway. You’re flying to Sweden at the end of August. I only meant that you should give him a few minutes to calm down before you rush back in. Also, you’re going to have to accept that he might not give you everything you want right away.”

  “I never expected that.” Their gazes met. A knowing look filled his eyes. Alle felt heat bloom in her cheeks, prompting her to swallow slowly. “You know. Oh, God. He told you?” She might not be shy around Spook regarding what she liked, but she never openly discussed her tastes with anyone she wasn’t planning to go to bed with.

  “Alle, I’ve known him long enough to know what he likes.”

  Somehow that didn’t ease her discomfort.

  “I know he won’t hurt me, not really,” she said, suddenly feeling the needed to clarify things. “I mean it’s just play, not serious damage he’d be doing.”

  “Alle,” Xane rested a hand upon her shoulder. “I appreciate we hardly know one another, but an explanation isn’t necessary. It’s not as if I’ve never experimented in the bedroom.”

  “Sorry. Yeah, of course.” She ought to have remembered he had a reputation as a bad boy, although that didn’t necessarily equate to a propensity for BDSM. Sometimes, it just meant you were a jackass who slept around a lot. Then again, she’d seen him on stage. The guy was no stranger to studded collars, whips, and chains. He seemed pretty darned comfortable in his own body too. Alle didn’t think he was the type to get squeamish over whether what he was doing was considered naughty. No, he probably revelled in the impropriety of it.

  “I swing both ways, I like fucking more than one person at a time, being bitten and some mild forms of restraint, in case you’re wondering. And I’m good with being in charge and taking orders.”

  “You’re a switch?”

  He shrugged, in a way that pulled his jacket taut across his broad back. “I’m me. I go with what’s comfortable and what excites me.”

  “I wish Spook had that attitude to what excites him. We could be having some fun right now, instead of this.” She pressed her fingers to her forehead. What they had right now was nothing.

  “You just need to tease him out of his shell, is all. Take it a few steps at a time.”

  “Slo’ mo isn’t really me.”

  “No,” he laughed. “You’re more of a cut to the chase kind of girl, but if you want Spook, it’s going to be a long game.” He removed his jacket and draped it around her shoulders, quelling her cold shakes ahead of her realising she was trembling. “Come on, inside. I’ll take you up to my room for a bit of privacy. I can find you a stiff drink and a change of clothes. Then let’s see if we can’t concoct a plan to get Spook to capitulate a little and dive inside your panties.”

  “Oh, shit!” she blurted, bringing her hand up to her mouth. “I think I left them in the limo.” Along with her pocket-sized vibrator, which was either going to make some poor sod chuckle or spit out an almighty ewww!

  “You’re hardly the first, and I’ll bet they’re far from the worst thing that’s been found in that limo.”

  “I left a vibrator behind too.”

  “Yeah?” He raised his pierced eyebrow thoughtfully, as if she’d suddenly risen in his estimation. “That’s a shame,” he said, patting her on the back to get her to move. “Spook might need something shoving up his arse to get him moving. He’s a champion procrastinator.”

  “I don’t think he’d like that much.” Alle objected, trying to ignore the visual image of what that might actually look like from taking route in her brain.

  “Sure he would. He has nerve endings. Arseholes are sensitive.”

  “Are you talking about yourself?” she asked, causing him to purse his lips in a way that sucked in his cheeks, making the ridges of his cheekbones that bit more pronounced. “Sorry, that was uncalled for. It’s just the first time we met, you rather gave the impression that you were a narcissistic wanker.”

  To her surprise, Xane laughed and clapped her across the back with his hand. They moved inside and crossed to the bank of elevators. “I’m not going to deny I’m a self-centred attention whore. I know my own faults, but we did meet at a bad time.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and guided her into the lift. “It’s just lucky for you that despite appearances —” He grinned at the people in the lobby as the doors slid closed. “— you’re not about to fall foul of the biggest of them.”

  “Which is? I’m not?”

  “I’m not about to shag you.”

  Right. That was good. Sort of. She wasn’t quite seeing how that related to faults, but, hey, sometimes it was better not to know all the ins and outs of other people’s personal matters. She kept her gaze forward, focused on the lift door as they ascended, and pursed her lips to keep the awkward smile off them. That didn’t stop a blush creeping around her ears though.

  “I have a small addiction to it. Sex,” he clarified. “OK, not actually that small. I guess you might say Spook and I are diametric opposites.”

  “You do and he doesn’t. Does that mean if you stop, he’ll start?”

  “I’m not about to give up sex so you can find out. Sorry, you’ll have to find another way to make him cave in.”

  They reached the correct floor, and Xane stepped out ahead of her. “Just round here on the left.” He turned and walked backwards a couple of paces so that he was facing her as they moved. “You know, you might have more luck with him if there’s someone around to witness what’s going on.”

  “And I suppose you’re offering yourself up for that job?”

  Having reached his room, Xane posed within the door frame. “I’m more of a doer than a watcher, but
if that’s all that’s on offer…”

  “It isn’t.” She reached out and snatched the key card from him, then used it to open the door. “I don’t need an audience for something that’s confounded hard enough already.”

  “Yeah, you’d definitely given him a nice stiffy to work with.”

  “What?” She shook her head, but was unable to stop herself chuckling. “Are you always this lewd?”

  “Sometimes I leave it to Ash. And anyway, I’ve barely said anything dirty. This is just me stating facts.”

  “Well, as long as you’re not flirting.”

  “Who, me?” He stretched, causing his T-shirt to rise and reveal a flash of washboard abs. “No way. I’m already happily conjoined at both hips. Adding anyone else to that mix might start stretching even my limits.”

  “Now you’re just showing off.”

  “Yes.” He ticked his thumb against her cheek. “But you’re smiling again. It’s said a little positivity goes a long way.” He stepped into the dark room. “You’ll have to put the key card into the slot.” He pointed at the wall.

  Alle did as instructed and immediately various lights flicked on and the air conditioning began a low background murmur.

  “Get yourself in there.” He pointed at the bathroom. “I’ll get you some stuff. I know it’s a badge of honour.” His gaze dropped to the bodice of her dress. “But it looks like someone sneezed all over you. It’s not exactly a rocking look.”

  “If you were anyone else, I’d hit you.”

  “Honey, if you were anyone else you wouldn’t be in here.”

  What he gave her in exchange for her dress, which she scrubbed clean with complimentary shower gel, was an oversized dress shirt that barely covered her thighs, and a pair of thick woolly socks. The combination wasn’t exactly a rocking look either, but Xane nodded his approval when she emerged from the bathroom. “Spook’ll love it,” he declared. “He’d probably love it even more if it were a cable knit sweater instead of a shirt, but beggars can’t be choosers.”